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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL has mental health issues

178 replies

Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 08:21

Back story: in the beginning SIL and I were okay with each other, she lives across the big pond so visits were about once a year.
Then I had a miscarriage at a late stage, was deeply traumatised. At the same time, she went behind my back and said to DH to dump me because I had told his mother that before the miscarriage we had a big row and DH slammed the door loudly and I got shocked and started bleeding.

They (MIL and SIL) said what I said was horrible about her brother and I deserved to lose the baby (SIL) said so.
Since then I had only seen her once. This was years ago.

Fast forward 4 years, I got pregnant with DD now 3 and DS now 8 months. SIL has never once got in touch and been silent whenever I write to her on her DS’s birthday and during Christmas. I feel I should mend our relationship for the sake of DH as he’s very close to his sister growing up.

So MIL has never met our DCs as she always made excuses not to meet them. SIL met DD once as a baby as was not that interested. DH has two DSs from previous and she dots over them.

Anyway on Christmas eve I sent an email to her saying Merry Christmas to her and her DS, wishing them a nice holiday. And told her she’s welcome to skype our DCs.

She wrote back with spite. Saying she dies not want to get to know our DCs because I’m their mother and that she feels sorry for my DH because he has me. That it’s inappropriate to wish her a merry Christmas as her DM is terminally ill. Then she added “ i want no contact”.

DH was deeply hurt by her email as she copied him in it.

They always had a good relationship despite being far away from each other, but it seems she now closed the door to him as well.
He’s hurt she wants nothing to do with our DCs. His mother already did the same but DH thinks it’s forgivable because MIL is old and ill. But SIL isn’t old nor ill so shouldn’t shut his children out like that.

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.
Plus we don’t want our children to feel left out once they’re older.

Is she mentally ill or what?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/12/2017 14:17

OP your SIL probably sees you and your DH plus DC/DSC as a unit, so wants to distance herself from the complexity. You may be far too close to this to take this onboard, which is why I recommended upthread you and/or your DH May want to seek some counselling support, if it causes you pain and if you feel 'stuck' and unable to move forward from this.

Christmas has a remarkable way of stirring up all sorts of deeply buried feeling (resentment, hurt, anger) - recriminations can come to the surface when you least expect them.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:19

Yes we do feel massive amount of pain and there’s a lot of hurt involved.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2017 14:22

This reply has been deleted

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Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2017 14:24

His mother has been terminally ill for the past 3 years... so no merry Christmas until she’s dead? Sorry it doesn’t work this way in my world. I’d still try to enjoy the festivities

Do you understand that your world is far from normal?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:25

Typically MN, being blamed for being toxic when you feel so much pain already

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:25

I don’t really live a normal life no, but am trying at least

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 26/12/2017 14:26

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PoorYorick · 26/12/2017 14:26

If you sent that email in goodwill, I'm the Virgin Mary.

You asked us if you're being unreasonable and there is a clear consensus.

Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2017 14:28

I don’t really live a normal life no, but am trying at least

Now that you acknowledge this, can you see that these issues are not all to do with your sister in law being unreasonable or having mental health issues, but more to do with them having to cope with your own dysfunctional behaviour?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:31

i meant a normal life as in normal rat race life.. we don’t live like that. But I crave normal sometimes.

OP posts:
loopdeloo · 26/12/2017 14:35

Gosh, the OP is getting a real kicking here.

Her seeking to explain what appears to her to be extreme and irrational behaviour by considering MH issues is not uncommon and you see it on MN a lot. You don't have to have MH issues to behave like a twat and not all people with MH issues behave like twats, but extreme and irrational behaviour is an indicator of MH issues.

There are conflicting studies on the role of stress in miscarriage. Having suffered numerous miscarriages (and still not managed to have a child), I know it's contentious - not least because it leaves it open to an interpretation by some that the mother-to-be did not look after herself, and therefore the foetus, properly - but just as some women can smoke crack and be alcoholics and give birth multiple times, drug and alcohol use can have a highly negative affect on other women's ability to conceive and/or carry a baby to term. So, yes, women manage to give birth in war zones and all sorts of stressful situations, but some studies suggest that the hormonal imbalances resulting from stress can affect the immune system and lead to loss of the foetus.

Is your SIL showing extreme and irrational behaviour? I have to say that I would not be impressed with someone who told my DM that my DB had caused this to happen to them (though I would possibly consider they were having "MH issues" as a result of their grief just like your SIL is clearly already grieving over the impending loss of her DM)... but then I'd be pretty bloody unimpressed with my DB if he had treated his wife the way that your DH treated you when you were pregnant. I think there is probably more to your SIL's story then you realise and her perspective will be very different from yours - without access to it no one can say whether she behaving in an extreme and irrational manner towards you or not.

Whatever the underlying "truth" of this story is, the simple fact is that she despises you and you need to cease with any further attempts to make contact with her and focus on your own family unit. If it were my DH being treated like this by a sibling, I would find it very hard to have any contact with the sibling. However, his DM is terminally ill and so it's not clear cut and I hope you can work together as a team to do what causes the least stress and upset to your family unit.

I also do hope that what you have said about his change in behaviour is really true and that he never treats you the way he did when you were pregnant and miscarried. I know good people do turn things around from a spell of abusive behaviour like that, but not usually without a great deal of deep reflection, time apart, anger management, counselling etc.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 26/12/2017 14:37

Okay, I'm not saying the OP has covered herself in glory, but I don't think it's unreasonable for the woman who actually had a miscarriage to blame her physically abusive husband. She may be wrong, but it's a natural conclusion to draw.

It's probably natural for his sister to take his side too, and be outraged. However, we have no ties to either side on MN, so we can be a little bit fairer.

We are not talking about a tactless relative saying 'ooh, you probably miscarried because you ate something wrong'. We have the woman who actually experienced the physical impact of miscarriage here, as well as the grief, wondering if the abuse from her husband caused it. Oh look, a grieving person tries to find a reason why something happened. Stop the presses! Who knew that upset people try to rationalise events?

Again, she was dealing with abusive behaviour from her husband at the time. Of bloody course she thought they were connected! And if we were having this conversation between friends 70 years ago, we'd all agree with her, I expect. It would be common sense.

GrooovyLass · 26/12/2017 14:47

Well I hope none of you ever say anything whilst you're grieving because you clearly wouldn't be expected to be forgiven.

peachgreen · 26/12/2017 14:50

@GrooovyLass I have had a late and traumatic miscarriage. If I had blamed DH I certainly would not expect to be forgiven. Grief is no excuse for saying something so unutterably cruel (and false).

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 26/12/2017 14:54

I think the physical abuse to OP was crueller, peachgreen.

If he hadn't been slamming doors (more than once), banging the table with his bare hand to scare the OP into silence, cornering her, and punching the wall next to her, she wouldn't have thought it could have caused the miscarriage.

PoorYorick · 26/12/2017 14:55

i meant a normal life as in normal rat race life.. we don’t live like that. But I crave normal sometimes.

Anyone got a violin the size of a thimble?

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/12/2017 14:58

Crikey, you're a complicated bunch. The upshot is that she dislikes you. She's entitled to dislike you for as long as she lives and that's something you'll have to get over. She doesn't owe you forgiveness or family time, she doesn't owe you her kindness.

In saying that, you also don't owe her anything and frankly if someone disliked me to such an extent I wouldn't be sending my children to spend time with them alone.

It's totally fine to have no contact with siblings. I don't speak to my older sister. Haven't done for almost 8 years. I hear about her occasionally from family and just let it go because life is so much calmer and happier without her theatrics and drama. Let go and let your DH decide if he wants contact.

Engorged · 26/12/2017 15:26

It's also possible that it's the fact the op told her MIL and SIL that her husband was abusive that has caused them to dislike her. And the miscarriage causing it just adds to it. No one would like to think their dc or db would be that way so it could be easier to blame the OP and disbelieve her.

Why did you tell them op? We're they blaming or upsetting you and it just came out? Or was it something else? Did you misguidedly think you were close to them and they'd support you and would accept it as the truth?

It seems strange your dh accepts this dislike of his wife, without trying to sort it out and admitting his abuses and all at mistakes. Let alone the ignoring of own children.

I still think you should back away from anything to do with his family and just deal with your own.

Engorged · 26/12/2017 15:29

The problem is GrooovyLass is this family sounds pretty dysfunctional and toxic to each other so saying anything against any of them was likely to lead to this. And the dh can't have admitted he was abusive or they wouldn't have reacted so badly.v

MistressDeeCee · 26/12/2017 20:55

Well they do sound toxic. But you're unhealthily obsessed with getting back at his sister. Shes not your sister so dis-invest. She doesn't want anything to do with you so she can clearly live without you.

Return the favour - leave her alone. You can't force her to take notice of you. Find more to do with your life. Your marriage doesn't sound great. Focus on resolving that somehow, if it's at all possible. If it's not then you have a big decision to make.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 23:56

Sorry it doesn’t work this way in my world.
Says it all really.
And as for not paying for the DC to go over because you and sil don't get on... What about mil being able to see them? You know, in the last three years or so she has left.
You're a toxic bunch all round by the sounds of it. You in particular sound as if you find it personally offensive and don't understand when ppl don't leap to agree with you/do what you want, and therefore there must be something wrong with them.

Have you changed any of your opinion since originally posting?

kaytee87 · 26/12/2017 23:59

She sounds horrible.
Can I check, were you insinuating you had a miscarriage because you had a row with your dh and he slammed a door?

kaytee87 · 27/12/2017 00:03

Just saw this

Yes I suggested he might have caused the miscarriage, which wasn’t that far offas we went through a lot of stresses and we rowed a lot during that time and he wasn’t that considerate of me being pregnant. He’s better now.

I'd be really pissed off if my brother were accused of this btw. Having a row doesn't cause a miscarriage. Your dh not being 'considerate' of you being pregnant (whatever that means) doesn't cause a miscarriage.

mirialis · 27/12/2017 10:13

kaytee - maybe you should also just see this:

I was very fragile at the time. So I did accuse DH of causing the miscarriage because I was under so much stress. He had work issues so was in a really foul mood every day. We would row every day, he’d slam doors (more than once), bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me

princesssparkle1 · 27/12/2017 10:22

We would row every day, he’d slam doors (more than once), bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me

I think that shock and upset can affect a foetus. I don't know if it can cause a miscarriage. I'm not a medic.

If I were you I'd apologise to your MIL and SIL for accusing DH of causing your miscarriage (if you know he didn't) and ask one more time if you and they can rebuild your relationships. If they say no or ignore you, then draw a line and move on. I'm sure DH can keep in contact with them himself,

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