To think SIL has mental health issues

[Vanessatiger]

Back story: in the beginning SIL and I were okay with each other, she lives across the big pond so visits were about once a year.
Then I had a miscarriage at a late stage, was deeply traumatised. At the same time, she went behind my back and said to DH to dump me because I had told his mother that before the miscarriage we had a big row and DH slammed the door loudly and I got shocked and started bleeding.

They (MIL and SIL) said what I said was horrible about her brother and I deserved to lose the baby (SIL) said so.
Since then I had only seen her once. This was years ago.

Fast forward 4 years, I got pregnant with DD now 3 and DS now 8 months. SIL has never once got in touch and been silent whenever I write to her on her DS’s birthday and during Christmas. I feel I should mend our relationship for the sake of DH as he’s very close to his sister growing up.

So MIL has never met our DCs as she always made excuses not to meet them. SIL met DD once as a baby as was not that interested. DH has two DSs from previous and she dots over them.

Anyway on Christmas eve I sent an email to her saying Merry Christmas to her and her DS, wishing them a nice holiday. And told her she’s welcome to skype our DCs.

She wrote back with spite. Saying she dies not want to get to know our DCs because I’m their mother and that she feels sorry for my DH because he has me. That it’s inappropriate to wish her a merry Christmas as her DM is terminally ill. Then she added “ i want no contact”.

DH was deeply hurt by her email as she copied him in it.

They always had a good relationship despite being far away from each other, but it seems she now closed the door to him as well.
He’s hurt she wants nothing to do with our DCs. His mother already did the same but DH thinks it’s forgivable because MIL is old and ill. But SIL isn’t old nor ill so shouldn’t shut his children out like that.

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.
Plus we don’t want our children to feel left out once they’re older.

Is she mentally ill or what?

I'm really sorry for your loss but can't quite believe that you can't see how hurtful it was (and is - you clearly still think it was his fault) to blame it on your DH, and to tell his family it was his fault. Her reaction was then unforgivable too, but you both did something so cruel. To be honest I can see why that would make the relationship near impossible to rebuild on both sides.

And as other people have said, it's incredibly offensive to label people you happen to dislike as mentally ill.

In all honesty if someone told my brother he was responsible for losing his child I would struggle to be civil with them, especially if they continued to justify such horrible behavior years after the event.

The last update about your DH's behavior is a significant drip feed. Is she aware of any of this? If not, I can totally see why she doesn't want a relationship. If she does, why are you pushing to be in touch with someone who condones that bullying behavior?

As it is, stop suggesting she has mental health issues for refusing to engage with you.

OP, rowing and slamming doors will NOT cause a miscarriage. Stress will not cause a miscarriage. If someone blamed my brother for that, I'd struggle to forgive them too. Did you ever apologise to your DH and MIL for implying that he did? I think your SIL is being spiteful but I also think you need to take some responsibility for where it stems from.

" bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me.."

And yet you stayed?

Who knows whether or not she is mentally ill.

It all sounds like too much drama to get embroiled in.

bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me

Never mind you not being good enough for him - the opposite sounds true to me!

OP I'm sorry for your loss but that doesn't mean you can accuse it of being your DHs fault and expect people to forgive your accusations. Your huge dripfeed about your DHs behaviour shows that he has also acted atrociously. It's no wonder neither his mum or his sister want anything to do with either of you.

Sorry, crossed with your latest post (/drip feed). He sounds abusive and I'm sorry you stayed with him and had more children, and I hope you're safe now. However, even abusive behaviour doesn't cause a miscarriage.

Fuck off with the mental health issues comment and faux diagnosis.

I can see why they don't like you, suggesting that their brother/son caused your miscarriage is pretty awful.

I would just leave it, they don't like you and have said horrible things.

depressed...or undiagnosed bipolar or narc?

Sounds like you are an armchair expert in mental health issues. I'd stop digging now.

I'm genuinely very sorry about your miscarriage, I've been there myself. it upset me terribly when people inadvertently suggested I might have caused it. ("Were you not taking it easy, did you have a drink, did you lift something heavy, are you working too hard?"), so I completely understand why his family will have been upset if you implied he might be responsible. No doubt your OH was grieving and they will have naturally felt very protective of him. It's highly unusual for stress alone to cause a MC.

I think you should just step back and carry on focussing on your immediate family. Let your OH do any work he desires to to build bridges.

Having a mental illness = not treating people well.

Yep - that is totally how it works. And you look like you'd do a cracking job at diagnosing mental illness.

Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe that's unreasonable.

Maybe its not unreasonable and maybe you're a twat. Oh but hang on then that would mean you have a mental illness.

Don't know about your SIL. But I can diagnosis you as being an uninformed bigoted idiot.

Am thinking perhaps she’s depressed (i know she’s been according to DH) or undiagnosed bipolar or narc?

Those are totally different conditions with hugely different symptoms. Where did you get your psychiatrist qualification from? If you don't have one, it's probably best to stay quiet. You haven't even apologised for offending anyone who reads this who struggles with a mental health condition.

Also, it IS pretty horrible to send a cheery 'merry christmas' message to someone with a terminally ill relative, especially when you already have a difficult relationship with that person. It comes across as snide, insensitive and passive aggressive.

I think you need to just leave it. The woman despises you, she has made it clear she's not willing to have any kind of relationship with you and really at this stage whether or not you were out of order regarding the cause of the miscarriage is irrelevant. You and your DH have clearly moved on from that difficult time. Your SIL (and MILs) behaviour is very extreme and to be honest I can't imagine why you'd want your children to be exposed to these people .

After all these years why on earth do you keep trying? I'm sorry but it sounds a bit pathetic to keep on trying ie writing at birthdays and the contact on Christmas Eve, given she has been clear she cannot stand you! This is not some minor falling out, SIL and MIL appear to have cut you and yours out of their lives so please have some self respect and leave it.

Sorry, OP, cross post with your last one. He does sound like he was being abusive (although that still wouldn't cause a miscarriage). Did your MIL know what he was like? If not, it does explain why they still see him very differently.

I don't think the relationship with SIL is your issue. Your DH and you sound like you were having some major issues before your loss, have things improved now?

There's nothing in any of your posts which indicate that she has depression, bipolar or a PD.

If you had (falsely) blamed your miscarriage on my son/brother then I'd probably hate you too. That's way out of line.

The 'ordering more wine' comment puzzled me as you said she was driving, hence you had to wait around for her. How much wine had she polished off before driving you home?

I hope your partner no longer tries to intimidate you by slapping and punching tables/walls. Sounds like he has anger issues and needs counselling.

"We would row every day, he’d slam doors (more than once), bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me.."

So the whole family sounds toxic. Does he still behave like this? If he does why are you still with him?

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time, but I can only echo previous posters and say PLEASE stop conflating vile behaviour with mental illness. As someone who lives with bipolar it's not only offensive to see someone's twattery 'explained' by bipolar etc but it also reminds me that despite my best efforts to lead a normal and fulfilling life there will always be people like you expecting me to be nasty, hurtful and unpredictable. Just STOP, please - people with MH problems are stigmatised enough without this kind of ill-informed thinking. Some people are horrible, some people with never get on, some people have deep-seated family shit that will never be understood - let alone repaired. Step away from this dysfunction and concentrate on those who appreciate you, and in the time you save not contacting them have a look at the Time to Change website and educate yourself on mental health stigma.

Her bf was driving ( one if them wiukd drive), but he also drank. Sorry my DH and SIL and the bf aren’t strict about drink driving actually. They live out in the bush so a car is essential.

I can’t take your thread seriously.

It’s just a drip feed to serve your purpose of people say ynbu.

Why don’t you just leave her alone.

DH is not like that anymore. There was a lit of stresses which caused it

Nope. She’s a cunt.

So you willingly put your own child at risk by getting in the car whilst the driver had been drinking?

I agree with all the others. She just doesn't like you. That doesn't make her mentally ill.

With the restaurant example, I guess the other side of the story is that she didn't want her meal curtailed because of a baby's nap times.

I'd just not bother any more if I were you.

I don't see why contact to the other children should stop.