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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 26/12/2017 13:37

OK so don't get a solicitor. Self represent. It's an open and shut case he wouldn't actually need one.

Graphista · 26/12/2017 13:37

So you don't KNOW that the reason he's not been allowed to have the children at yours is anything to do with you? If anything sounds like he's similar to my ex playing silly buggers over contact (not showing up on time, not sticking to arrangements, letting the children down) which is likely the REAL reason she's being so strict with contact!

My first contact order the JUDGE stipulated ex was only to have contact at his parents house because he'd been doing things like leaving my dd stuck in pushchair all day in bloody beer gardens while he got pissed! Not changing her nappy regularly, forgetting meals... So unlike some posters are saying, it's not always a case of "his contact time he can do what he likes"

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:38

Funny you should ask Taylor, I don't have him on Facebook no. He doesn't use it. At least that's what he tells me. I've never seen him use it or mention using it. Always says he used to be a regular user but not anymore and not for a long time.

He has an account that is still searchable but claims he doesn't access it. Lost access to it when he changed email addresses a few years ago. He said he changed his email a few years ago and stopped using Facebook before he split with his ex because she kept hacking into his accounts.

I have a mutual friend with him, one of his work friends, work friend is of the impression he doesn't use it anymore aswell. I have no way of knowing that for sure though, do i?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:40

Graphista no I don't know for absolute certain. I only have his word to go by.

I've never been told or heard from his ex directly that its about me. He just tells me it is.

As far as I know he's always been meticulous about not letting the kids down on contact days.

OP posts:
Graphista · 26/12/2017 13:40

He could also have a new account with a slightly different name on it.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:42

Entirely possible

Though I've searched many a time and can only find the one he told me about, with the last public updates from 2013

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 26/12/2017 13:47

Find one of his friends on FB and check THEIR friend list to see if he's there under a different name. That's how most cheaters hide!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:49

Good idea I will have a look. If he's using a fake account I think he would be careful not to use a face picture or an identifiable variation of his name so I think I'll struggle to find anything though

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:50

He has a very distinctive name, he's half English and half something else. His name is completely foreign

OP posts:
littlepoppett · 26/12/2017 13:52

Sorry for delay in reply. Mainly it changed because we had a child but also because she met someone else. I don't know why I put up with it for so long, well I do.. I was made to feel like Christmas is about the kids so what makes them happy comes first, and that apparently is them playing happy families and me being alone! I still feel resentful if I think about it too much.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:53

I've just bloody remembered something! When we met and Facebook came up in discussion and he said he didn't use it anymore etc.. he said at one point he had to use a fake account twhen he was with his ex, because she didn't like him using social media - and he used the fake account to keep in touch with his friends.

That coupled with the "oh she's so controlling she didn't let me do anything. I couldn't talk to friends or go out" mantra. I bought into it at the time.

Can't believe that's just dawned on me. He's probably still using the thing or has a new one

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:54

I felt like that too yesterday @littlepoppett it's not a nice burden to have hanging over you, the thought that if you say anything you could spoil a child's Xmas

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 26/12/2017 13:55

You might want to use a friends fb to search him. Any smart person wanting to hide from you on it would have blocked you the second the account was made thus never finding him.

There is something very amiss with this situation normally “bat shit” ex’s who have an issue with the new women would of had a pop at the new women via text/fb whatever if she really was that looney and controlling.

The children only ever met you as a friend of daddies, you’ve only met his father and spoken to his brother/brothers wife on the phone yet brother and wife go to the ex’s on Christmas’s day. You can beat all those people would lie and cover for him they are after all his family.

I bet the children and ex don’t know you exist as a partner let alone pregnant partner. No ex goes to their ex’s house from 10am - 9pm (as you presume) Just to spend time with the children by 9pm the children as asleep or over tired grump butts at young ages and older Just want to game/text their mates.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 26/12/2017 13:56

Oh OP. This man is the ditto of my ex. Honestly. I know exactly how he works. He will just keep stringing you along. He wants the easy life and lies just roll of his tongue. My ex’s dad is the same. I have sat open mouthed watching his dad just spill out lies rather than say he forgot to post a letter or whatever. It’s so ingrained in them they don’t even realise they are doing it sometimes. I can tell you what happened with my ex when I stopped bending over backwards to facilitate contact with our DCs. He stopped seeing them. They haven’t seen him in 7 months. He has forgotten my eldest birthday and didn’t acknowledge Christmas at all. Because I wasn’t chasing him saying “when are you seeing the kids again? They are asking to see you”. Because it wasn’t being spoonfed to him he couldn’t be bothered. Your DP is spending Xmas day at his exes because it’s easy for him. She will have done all the cooking, fed him, cleared up after him, given him drink etc. It was all done for him. He’s a lazy git. I guarantee you if his ex told him he could have the DCs for Xmas day he would find a reason not to. But he’ll never tell you that she offered.

I’m really saddened at the thought of this being your future. Because he won’t change. It’s who he is.

stitchglitched · 26/12/2017 13:58

I imagine his ex would be quite surprised to learn of all the things she is supposed to have said and done. I thought before that messaging her would be a bad idea but I'm starting to think it might be good to find out the truth once and for all because I doubt you are going to get it from him. He sounds like a very comfortable liar.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 13:59

To be honest I've been expecting his ex to get in touch with me for a long time, to have a pop if nothing else. She doesn't know my name though apparently, but I know hers.

Shes also mates with somebody DP is friendly with at work, but DP lay the groundwork early on and told his workmate not to discuss me with his ex because he doesn't want her "having a go at me"

Me and his ex have the workmate as a mutual friend on Facebook. Me, DP and his work mate have gone out in a group on many occasions. I'm surprised she hasn't found out my identity by now

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 26/12/2017 14:03

Maybe she knows your identity but doesn't really care because she isn't the controlling psycho he has described. Or doesn't know about the baby. Or doesn't care about any of it and only facilitates contact in the way she does for her kids sake, to make sure your partner actually sees them. I reckon she would have a very different story to tell.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 14:06

I suspect she would tell a very different version of events too, probably not one too dissimilar to my own, aka he's a sneaky git

OP posts:
Charley50 · 26/12/2017 14:06

I wonder why he left his ex. Do you think he just wanted an easy life? Or were they arguing a lot?

Roomster101 · 26/12/2017 14:07

If she really was jealous and controlling and knew about you she would have tracked you down by now.

Taylor22 · 26/12/2017 14:08

Do you go on Facebook much? Do you mention the baby and your partner much?
I'm just wondering if she would've seen the posts and found out that way.

If you do separate then realistically you've got nothing left to lose.

I would message her, introduce yourself and the baby and say as you both fell for a sackless piece of shit you would still like for all the children to have a relationship as he can't be trusted anymore.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 26/12/2017 14:10

OP try finding his exes Facebook account and see if there are any posts relating to him or you on it. I have some people on my FB who have the odd wee rant about their exes being too busy with new family to see kids or not paying maintenance. There might even be photos of Xmas day.

littlepoppett · 26/12/2017 14:11

To be honest, I think my DP was leading a semi double life. I caught him doing things like going on family trips to Lego land and stuff like that too. He also didn't have a FB account !

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 26/12/2017 14:11

I wonder why he left his ex. Do you think he just wanted an easy life? Or were they arguing a lot?

Based on him having secret Facebook accounts he was probably cheating.

Graphista · 26/12/2017 14:13

I'm not convince he left I think she booted him for being a lazy lying useless twat!