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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Bambamber · 24/12/2017 12:02

YANBU to feel sad, i think anyone would in this situation. It's so refreshing to see that you've all been able to come to a compromise so the children come first Flowers

Indigo911 · 24/12/2017 12:04

YABU and YANBU. I totally get why you’d feel sad about this. I definitely would too. But I guess it’s a bit awkward for him too as he wants to see the kids and doesn’t really have any other option than to go to hers.
Just try and remember that he’s with you now and I’m sure he’ll be very excited about having a family unit with you when the baby arrives. Will it literally just be your partner, the ex and the kids? Or will her family be there too?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:05

Why isn’t he bringing his children to his house?

ilovesooty · 24/12/2017 12:07

Donny because their mum would prefer him not to. The OP says so.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 24/12/2017 12:07

You're about to have a baby together. His ex needs to get over "not wanting the kids around the new woman" seeing as you're about to have their brother or sister.

Splinterz · 24/12/2017 12:09

He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman

You're having his baby. This child will be their half siblings. I'm sorry, no way would this be happening in any relationship I had. Any man that doesn't put his current partner before an ex is no man. He needs to shape up as far as his ex is concerned, she doesn't get to dictate how he spends his contact time.

You really think this is ok? for a second family to be relegated?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:09

It's just going to be them at her place, him the kids and their mum

She won't let him bring them to our place because she doesn't want them being around the new woman. I think she's struggled coming to terms with the fact he's moved on with somebody else. I've met the kids and we get on great, unfortunately she didn't take well to them going home and telling her what a great time they had and how nice I am. I do understand her feelings would be hurt whether she still holds a torch for DP or not.

Since that occasion she's banned them coming here and tightened up on his contact. It's gotta be at her house and if he takes them out she is to call him and make sure he hasn't brought them here or around me.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 24/12/2017 12:11

I can see why you’d feel a little put out but I think you must also be a nice lady, belive me I know a few that would be spitting the dummy out over this. Also his a dad making an effort to see his dc, and there seems to be a lack of them.

However long term the ex is just going to have to suck it as you and him are together and have been for at least 9 months.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:11

For what it's worth I hate that he panders to her demands. He took a while telling her about the relationship because he knew how she would react and he was right. Had it not been for all of this then I don't think I would even bat an eyelid about this Christmas thing

OP posts:
LunarGirl · 24/12/2017 12:12

You're about to have a baby together. His ex needs to get over "not wanting the kids around the new woman" seeing as you're about to have their brother or sister.

This.

Yanbu to feel sad. You're hardly the new woman if you're about to give birth to his child. Were you the other woman?
What's going to happen next Christmas when he also has a child at home?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:12

We've been together almost 2 years x

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:13

Their mum doesnt have to want it, he is equally their parent and he sets a say. She doesn’t get to veto his wishes because she is Mum. He should have had this sorted months ago. With a court order if necessary. Is he one of those lazy types that is very happy to do bare minimum parenting and blame it on the mother for being controlling? He is their father, you are having his child, you are now part of the family. He doesn’t really get to Abandon you and your child for Xmas day every year because he won’t put a bit of effort in to securing proper contact with his children.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:13

No I wasn't the other woman. They were over before I came on the scene

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 12:13

If he doesn't like it he can go to court and get proper visitation put in place. Were you the OW?

Indigo911 · 24/12/2017 12:13

She sounds like a pain in the ass. Total control freak who clearly has jealousy issues and still loves your DP. Although, saying that, I don’t know why the relationship ended so maybe I’m being unfair.
So are the kids never allowed to spend time with their new sibling? You’ll have to be present when the child is very young so if she doesn’t want the kids around you much then they won’t get the joy of spending time with the baby either.
Your DP needs to be a bit firmer with her I think (unless he treated her very badly).

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:14

Yeah just seen your latest posts. He needs a solicitor and a spine.

JacquesHammer · 24/12/2017 12:14

Since that occasion she's banned them coming here and tightened up on his contact. It's gotta be at her house and if he takes them out she is to call him and make sure he hasn't brought them here or around me

She is massively unreasonable if there is nothing more to it than this.

Can't your DP make moves to at least get mediation going so they can sort a better schedule? It is totally unreasonable to exclude the mother of their half-sibling from their lives

KC225 · 24/12/2017 12:15

But what will happen next year, will he do the same? As this year is arranged there seems little you can do about it but next year he can't do the same surely

How long have you been together. If you are still being described as a 'new woman'

WhatsGoingOnEh · 24/12/2017 12:15

Next year, why not tell him honestly how you’d like to spend the day. You’ve not actually told him. Which is kind, but a bit depressing for you.

FlouncyDoves · 24/12/2017 12:16

This is ridiculous. She can’t stop contact with you in that way.

MaisyPops · 24/12/2017 12:16

You're about to have a baby together. His ex needs to get over "not wanting the kids around the new woman" seeing as you're about to have their brother or sister
This YANBU to feel sad about it.
On the plus side, I think you can judge a man by how he cares for his kids as a non resident parent and he seems like a keeper. It just seems a shame that his ex appears to be enjoying using their children anf his love for his children as sone kind of weapon.
His ex seriously needs to start putting the children first instead of her own agenda.

Call me cynical, but I would look into getting contact and holiday arrangements firmed up with the courts because I think this ex had the potential to go bat shit crazy once your baby arrives and her actions won't be fair on anyone, least of all the children who have a right to a relationship with their sibling

MsVestibule · 24/12/2017 12:16

she's banned them coming here and tightened up on his contact. It's gotta be at her house and if he takes them out she is to call him and make sure he hasn't brought them here or around me.

Why the hell is he putting up with that??? Seriously, it gets me so angry when I hear of women (because it normally is the mother) thinking that the children belong to her and she only allows the father to see his children on her terms.

pasturesgreen · 24/12/2017 12:18

Sounds like a distinctly odd set up. YANBU. I wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour in any relationship I had. Your 36 weeks pregnant with his child. Your 'D'P should put you first at Christmas, not relegate you to your aunt's while he swans off to his ex.

Maelstrop · 24/12/2017 12:19

During his contact time, he has the right to take them where he wants. He needs to go through the courts for proper contact if the mum is not playing ball. This is not going to improve if she carries on being silly.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:20

He says he's keen for our baby and his older children to be in each other's lives but hasn't put his foot down to ensure that's the case. I've asked if she would like to meet me, to talk over any issues and concerns and draw up a plan to move forward and apparently not. He says not to worry and he will sort it out, I don't have much faith in that any time soon.

He wants to avoid court where possible so cowers to her rules as much as he can without causing a row with me. I don't push the issue that much any more because I don't want to be the reason she stops access.

His children are lovely and I'm gutted at the thought of them not being a part of their little siblings life. They like me and took to me well when we've met. The oldest one was asking him in front of the mum why they can't come to daddy's house anymore. The mum said "we will talk about it" but nothings changed so far.

They attend health appointments and school plays together as a unit so the children don't miss out on him being part of important things. I'm fine with that for their sakes, I just wish things were different

OP posts:
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