To be upset by MILs comment

[flutterby3]

Hi so my DD will be 1 next week, my MIL has recently started having my DD once every couple of weeks for the afternoon while I'm at work (my mum has her majority of the time when I'm working)

My DP went to pick her up from MILs on Monday and while there MIL kept letting DD take her glasses because she liked the noise DD makes when allowed to do it. My DP asked her not to let her do it as a lot of my family wear glasses all the time and we have always told her not to and so she hasn't been touching peoples glasses. (Obviously some peoples glasses are very expensive and we can't afford to pay for them if they get broken by DD). And actually since MIL has been looking after her she has a new fascination with glasses and has been pulling them off family's faces 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway MIL said to DP "well I'll just let her do it when you're not here" and obviously my DP was not happy about this comment. And by saying This I now feel like We can't trust her to look after DD.

I know the glasses issue isn't that important but it's her comment that concerns me most. AIBU to be upset/concerned about this comment? How would you feel about it

Thanks

"How did all these hated mils raise children that the same women complaining felt were good enough to marry and have children with?"

Well no one said hated, however as you've asked, my Dh has been in therapy for years, he has many issues caused by his upbringing. Mostly caused by his mother being a controlling, manipulative woman who will never allow herself to think she maybe wrong about anything.

You are not BU.
I wear glasses and my dd broke mine when little. They cost £300.
I now wear varifocals which are over £400 with the lighter thinner lenses, and specific coatings.
I need my glasses to drive so I would be seriously inconvenienced by then breaking. Yes I have a pair of cheap non varificocals.
Your mil is being very rude and dismissive as it’s not a trivial thing to be without specs if you have got bad eyesight and need them to function. Your dd isn’t old enough to realise she can grab her dgms glasses but not other people’s.

I think it was very rude of your MIL to so blatantly disregard your partner's request, so I can understand why you're upset.

Messing about with people's glasses (not an inexpensive purchase nowadays) could result in injury to the person or damage to the specs which you would have to pay to rectify. It's not like dropping a teddy on the floor, eating too many sweeties or letting them stay up late.

I'm with you, OP. I think you partner needs to have strong words with her. No need to fall out, just a request to respect your wishes on this.

"How did all these hated mils raise children that the same women complaining felt were good enough to marry and have children with?"

One of the nicest blokes and fathers I know grew up in a children's home....

I m not sure what my Mil was raising dh for except absolute subordinate to her. If he was anything like her in any way especially values I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. He has grown up into a wondeful man very much inspite of Mil

If somebody is looking after your DC, you have to be able to trust them.
My Mil's insistence that the old ways were the best included driving DC round without a car seat - because that was OK in her day.
It's not just the stuff you see, you have to be able to trust that they make good decisions when you can't see.
MILs attitude implies that OP probably can't trust her too much. Who in their right mind says they will do something like this behind their son's back?

The issue here is not the glasses, it's the MIL's blatant disregard of the parents request that is the issue.

If anyone refused to follow my instructions about my child then they wouldn't be allowed to look after him anymore.

Mumof56, nice bit of shaming there. I notice you only shame the mum, not the dad

This. No idea why you use this thread to shame working mothers.

OP its fatal to let it be known that the GM in question was DMiL rather than DM. Its a fraught relationship sometimes and some posters will alwyas insist MiL is mistreated saint and an equal bunch will insist MiL is the spawn of the devil.

Its not difficult to grasp there are two kinds of parental rules.

• Those which are sensible every day but which GPs can break because they are harmless fun occasionally eg sweets, late bedtimes, extra TV and so on.

• Those hich you need to agree on like safety rules such as using car seats and not breaking essential aids which people need (like glasses).

Talk to your MiL and get her side of the exchange. She may not have been serious.

I'm in the camp who have spent a small mortgage on glasses over the years, I'd expect anyone looking after a child to discourage glasses grabbing. Its a stupid and dangerous thing to do and I assume those who think its trivial are happy to stump up 500-1K in replacement costs when glasses are damaged for someone who can't manage without them.

I'm sure all those telling you to stop being petty and to let it go would alto be happy to stump up the money when their DC break someone's glasses

Once again, I never understand those who say that grandparents offering to watch their GC get to make the rules. Free childcare from grandparents does not mean parents are magically absolved from any parenting. But these commenters want you grovelling and kissing the feet of the grandparents.

Kav123 - your comment is just hilarious - 'If you want to play with a kid don't wear expensive glasses'

I wouldn't be able to see a kid without my expensive glasses. Daft.

Poor grandma. She’s caring sweetly for your child. Makes a throwaway comment and gets villified as the devil incarnate by MN. Children do understand different rules for different situations from quite a young age

You seem to have read posts from a completely different OP - are you on the right thread?

Lizzie I hadn't seen the your post but pretty much same with us.

Soup you see what I don't get is... this minor thing is a minor thing

I've been out all spday. The point is that it isn't a minor thing. As many have said, they cannot function properly without their glasses and they are expensive. Nevertheless, it's not aboutthe glasses per se but the fact that the grandparent has stated their intention to deliberately go against a specific and reasoned request behind the Parents' backs. If they are happy to do it for this scenario, what other reasonable requests are they going to deliberately ignore? If you can't trust someone, anyone, to follow a simple, specific request and they have actually told you that you can not trust them, how are you meant to trust them at all?

I do not understand the "you obviously favour your own mum" comments. Of course op favours her own mum, as I'm sure her dh favours his.

Here's the thing with mil, or at least my experience of them. Many do not accept a new Dil from day one, alot of work has to go into building a relationship with a relative stranger who you wouldn't necessarily chose to befriend if it weren't for the fact that they are now family. Dil, are more often than not, or at least in my experience, treated as a second class citizen to their own son, and are largely irrelevant UNTIL said Dil pops out a baby. All of a sudden Dil is expected to embrace mil, regardless of the previous relationship and if she doesn't she is completely vilified.

This is my mil, she has basically ignored me as a family member for the best part of 10 years, yet over night I'm expected to just hand over my most precious baby, with no say in the matter what so ever

This is a bit of a ramble, but I guess the point is that the relationship between a mil and Dil starts long before children, and if you don't embrace Dil, then this is the result.

Yanbu op, you have made a very simple request, it should be listen to.

Yy candy floss in my case dh is treated like the second class citizen, so my status is even lower. My Mil thinks she is wondeful, fil has told me what a wonderful Mil I have and how she is far better than other mils.

"fil has told me what a wonderful Mil I have"

I find my Ils hard to get on with -so does my husband!

They are just really insular, few friends & just don't really seem to know how to be sociable. It's hard work.

So I guess MIL & I didn't really get beyond civil.

Then when I was pregnant FIL said that it was important that we got on.

Wtf?? We didn't not get on & why would it all be down to me?

@itsbegining @diddl this is often the forgotten element of a mil Dil relationship, but it is the foundation of where most of these issues are formed.

A mil, is the only family member who seems the have the unique ability to make a person feel like nothing more than a womb. Of little value before dgc come along.

The future relationship with dgc is written long before they are even a twinkle in Dil eyes. If a mil cannot foresee this, and treats a Dil like nobody important, then guess how mil will be treated when her children make an appearance.

Relationships are a 2 way street, you can't treat someone poorly and then expect to be treated like royalty.

This is my experience of a mil and I will be sure to remember these feeling when I am introduced to any potential Dil when my time comes.

Charming diddle.

If Mil was alone at a party, diner meal on my side of the the family I would makes sure she was taken care of. As a dil your pretty much on the your own going into a whole new family. Candy couldn't agree more.
I have never met a more pampered woman who does least but makes out she does most as my Mil.
Baking a cake is her work. Cooking a meal is her work. For everyone else it's normal part of life . She buys a gift, yes she will have sweated over getting cheapest option, but it's something to be enormously ott thankful for. We must praise her. Present we give will get a negative running commentary.

"Charming diddle. "

Sorry, I don't get why the face.

Charming of the your fil comment to the you

Over the top reaction there op learn to pick your battles this isn’t one of them!

Oh I see, sorry

Well it was odd really, as like I said, things were strained but due to differing personalities not any animosity.

I think that she was worried about being left out-she would say that she'd be "2nd GM"! I guess when I didn't pander to that there might have been a panic!

FIL does overstep imo & tries to smooth things out for IL-even when there's nothing to smooth out!

It's a phase.My grandson loves trying to pull people's glasses off their face.He finds it hilarious that he's not allowed to but it's all part of the game.A couple off weeks ago it was hair pulling, which he only does if he thinks I've been naughty.

I am with you too OP. It's more it's sending your daughter mixed messages and everyone should stick to the same page with things...

Anyone looking after your children has to respect your wishes/rules.
If they can’t respect you then I’d ask DP to let her know where you’re coming from if you don’t feel comfortable doing it yourself.
If she was in a nursery you wouldn’t tolerate it.