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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by MILs comment

211 replies

flutterby3 · 21/12/2017 07:58

Hi so my DD will be 1 next week, my MIL has recently started having my DD once every couple of weeks for the afternoon while I'm at work (my mum has her majority of the time when I'm working)

My DP went to pick her up from MILs on Monday and while there MIL kept letting DD take her glasses because she liked the noise DD makes when allowed to do it. My DP asked her not to let her do it as a lot of my family wear glasses all the time and we have always told her not to and so she hasn't been touching peoples glasses. (Obviously some peoples glasses are very expensive and we can't afford to pay for them if they get broken by DD). And actually since MIL has been looking after her she has a new fascination with glasses and has been pulling them off family's faces 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway MIL said to DP "well I'll just let her do it when you're not here" and obviously my DP was not happy about this comment. And by saying This I now feel like We can't trust her to look after DD.

I know the glasses issue isn't that important but it's her comment that concerns me most. AIBU to be upset/concerned about this comment? How would you feel about it

Thanks

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 21/12/2017 10:54

Not a big deal. Nephew has a similar situation as his aunt on dad’s side lets him play with her glasses, and so he tried to grab mine. I just gave him a small time out every time he did it over 1 day and now he’s stopped.

Original poster
flutterby3 · 21/12/2017 10:55

Of course I favour DM, she raised me, she is my go to for advice and we have a very close relationship we spend a lot of time together. MIL actually understands that I am closer to DM Just as she is very close with her DD and not so close with my DP, we've had the conversation about it and she is understanding. I am not here saying she's a terrible person.
Also DM doesn't work, MIL does hence the less childcare on that side. Leaving DD and going back to work has been very hard as it is for a lot of people.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/12/2017 10:56

It's not a small thing at all. You've specifically asked her not to do something. It's not a silly whim, you have a good reason for asking, that you don't want your daughter to break people's expensive glasses. My little one's unintentionally pulled at and broke many of my necklaces. It's really annoying when young children grab at you and good to train them not to.
It sounds on the surface like a small issue but she's openly signalled that she will ignore your requests when looking after your child and will do just as she wants, behind your back if necessary and that is a trust issue. Not a small one either. Time for some plain speaking. Take her up on it and stick to your guns. If she wants to be trusted to look after your daughter, she has to earn that trust and respect your wishes. I don't agree with people who say she is doing you a huge favour. It's not a favour if you can't trust her. We had the same argument over someone refusing to hold a child's hand when walking along a busy road to give them "freedom". I could give them freedom as I am used to their ways but I did'nt think this other person was agile enough or attentive enough to grab the child who might have run ahead. I could have done it but I didn't think they could.I knew my children and my middle one was exceptionally quick and erratic. People forget how much you need to watch very small children like a hawk. If you see them every day you know exactly what stage they are at. You don't if you only see them occasionally. Its exactly the same issue as the glasses. Who kows what her views are on similar, less safe issues.

How lazy anyway letting young children play with people's glasses, why can't she get some toys in or books and entertain her that way? Why argue for the right to let her break glasses.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 21/12/2017 10:58

I'd go nuts. I also have a very expensive prescription. I couldn't afford to replace them if they got broken.

greendale17 · 21/12/2017 10:59

YANBU

If mil has been asked not to do something she should respect that request.

^This

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2017 11:01

The glasses thing is trivial

Not when they cost upwards of £500 it's not.

caperberries · 21/12/2017 11:01

My MIL is like this. If you ask her not to do something, she always pulls a face and assumes this smug air of knowing best - in fact, she's a very ignorant woman.

lapetitesiren · 21/12/2017 11:04

Children need clear consistent rules and boundaries and all the adults need to be aware of what they are and enforce them. Yanbu to expect mil to cooperate but you will need to decide on the important issues and make sure they are clear upfront.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 11:05

Not when they cost upwards of £500 it's not [trivial].

Sure, and I wear them too. But it's easily sorted if there's goodwill on both sides - this incident is absolutely trivial, if the attitude is just a snippy comment when her son annoyed her, rather than a declaration of intent.

Originalfoogirl · 21/12/2017 11:05

It's not about the glasses, it's about her pint blank saying she will ignore parents wishes if they aren't about. That's really disrespectful.

I would have said "fine, she won't be here without us" in the same tone she spoke.

It's not on, ask her to respect your wishes or you will go back to using your mum for childcare.

coldcanary · 21/12/2017 11:06

I get the glasses issue completely, ours learnt early on not to play with them as DH pays a fortune for his prescription. However not trusting her to look after your DC is going ott, if she sees her own glasses as not a big thing to deal with or pay for then maybe on this one issue she doesn’t really get your worry about potentially replacing expensive things? If she’s otherwise ok then I would deal with it quietly and swallow your irritation.
A PP on the first page suggested telling her that a family members glasses got broken and they’ll cost you a fortune to replace - that might be the way to go, a small lie to get the point across that this might well cost you and DH money at some point and you all need to work together to get your DC over a (bloody annoying) phase would be worth it long term.

Tinselistacky · 21/12/2017 11:09

It is not that the op favours her own dm, but trusts her dm to follow her boundaries for her dc when mil seems hell bent on doing her own thing. Dh is obviously aware of her attitude as it's his dm - he needs to be the one to make her realise she is risking her into to one time with dd with her behaviour.

Twooter · 21/12/2017 11:10

Agree Lizzie. Imagine if glasses got broken and the person wasn’t able to drive anywhere until a replacement arrived. It’s not like you can nip into tescos to get a new one.

Roussette · 21/12/2017 11:14

The baby is 1 year old! Next week she'll be playing with Granny's beads! Their attention span is pretty short.

This thread does remind me of one years ago (and I don't mean you OP, I mean other posters) when the MIL had dared to do some ironing whilst looking after a GC in the home of her DIL. The outcry was massive. How dare she. Who does she think she is. Is she sending me a PA message that I don't do my ironing quickly enough. Why isn't she concentrating on my baby (who was probably asleep). Luckily in RL I don't know people who are so ridiculous about all of this sort of stuff.

Kav123 · 21/12/2017 11:15

Omg do you not have any other problems in your life so you inventing one ? if you want to play with a kid dont wear expensive glasses around them, its simple. This goes with other expensive stuff and not just glasses. Its not like your MIL teaching the baby intentionally, its a baby and they do all sort of stuff. MIL bonding with the baby let her do it please.

sparklytrees · 21/12/2017 11:19

I wear glasses. Dc are not allowed to touch the, GPs also wear glasses. I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I think there's a principle here that MIL is ignoring the wishes of the child's parent, which as a parent I find unacceptable. You don't know what happens when dc is in their care and obviously you can't control that, but you have to weigh up whether the childcare should continue based on her ignoring your wishes

Mumof56 · 21/12/2017 11:29

How did all these hated mils raise children that the same women complaining felt were good enough to marry and have children with?

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2017 11:33

"but you have to weigh up whether the childcare should continue based on her ignoring your wishes"

Oh ffs!

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2017 11:35

Omg do you not have any other problems in your life so you inventing one ? if you want to play with a kid dont wear expensive glasses around them, its simple.

Oh yes, because those of us with complex expensive prescriptions carry multiple pairs for every eventuality.

The simple solution is for people not to allow children to play with other people's glasses.

I would be absolutely screwed if mine got broken as I literally cannot see or function without them and my spares are an old prescription that aren't right now.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2017 11:37

Mumof56

Touch of hyperbole there? Who said 'hated'?

And the OP's husband wasn't happy with his mother's remarks either...

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 21/12/2017 11:43

The glasses itself is a small issues but I bet if someone came to on to say baby broke glasses half people would be asking you to pay.

It's the utter total lack of respect and saying so to her son. That's the point her and what's so awful. Glasses today, nappies training, Potty training ignore... Sleep times ignore! Feeding ignore..

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 21/12/2017 11:48

Mil asked to see dd and we were on our knees trying to juggle stuff, and when dd came home she wouldn't sleep... We would be up till 11lm and worse, we were shattered wanting to sleep at 10 it was hell.
We always said to her please please don't let dd sleep in day. Otherwise she will be up at night.
It's clear now she blatantly lied to us, let her sleep because she said last year, sleep begets sleep of the you let them sleep they will sleep better later. Confused she was adamant. Even when I said no! Not in our case which is why we begged you not to let her sleep.
So the brake we got, I got was lost in the non existent bed time later. So rude and disrespectful.

Damnthatonestaken · 21/12/2017 12:22

Yanbu nor are you making a mountain out of a molehill.
Pick your battles is right indeed, and this one is important

Damnthatonestaken · 21/12/2017 12:26

Agree nannyogg

Damnthatonestaken · 21/12/2017 12:31

Mumof56, nice bit of shaming there. I notice you only shame the mum, not the dadHmm

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