To be upset by MILs comment

[flutterby3]

Hi so my DD will be 1 next week, my MIL has recently started having my DD once every couple of weeks for the afternoon while I'm at work (my mum has her majority of the time when I'm working)

My DP went to pick her up from MILs on Monday and while there MIL kept letting DD take her glasses because she liked the noise DD makes when allowed to do it. My DP asked her not to let her do it as a lot of my family wear glasses all the time and we have always told her not to and so she hasn't been touching peoples glasses. (Obviously some peoples glasses are very expensive and we can't afford to pay for them if they get broken by DD). And actually since MIL has been looking after her she has a new fascination with glasses and has been pulling them off family's faces 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway MIL said to DP "well I'll just let her do it when you're not here" and obviously my DP was not happy about this comment. And by saying This I now feel like We can't trust her to look after DD.

I know the glasses issue isn't that important but it's her comment that concerns me most. AIBU to be upset/concerned about this comment? How would you feel about it

Thanks

This is very different to outrightly telling your child that you'll let your grandchild play with expensive items that are actually incredibly important to somebody's quality of life.

If I couldn't have my glasses I would be registered severely partially sighted and even I think this is OTT.

If grandchild breaks her grans glasses I doubt very much granny'll be billing the inlaws.

And kids know who they can and can't do things with.

My MIL is the same in that she will let dd do whatever she wants and fill her with sweets when we’re not there which is why we decided to pay for childcare instead of let her look after her while we’re at work.

If we let her babysit (always at her request) then we just accept that she’s going to do things we wouldn’t be happy with but as it’s not very often it won’t do much harm.

I think it’s better to say nothing and have a good relationship, it just makes life easier.

The comment rather than the glasses really bothers me. This is how my poor relationship with my MIL started and escalated to the extent it did. See my post for more details. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3116749-Christmas-rant-about-PIL
It's about trust and the erosion of it. What is needed is it to be tackled now. Not by going NC but by a calm proper discussion and not just left hanging and not dealt with. That is where we made mistakes mainly because my DH doesn't like criticising his parents.
Unlike the poster above where the Mammar treats are in the open , upfront and expected , this could be different. And it sounds like the children were quite different ages when care started . I think children can and do recognise different styles of care and will adjust accordingly but as I say the comment worries me a lot.

When my DC were little the rule was 'when mummy's in charge you do things her way, when Granny/nana/uncle is in charge you do things their way'. They learn very quickly that what is OK in one house or with one person is not ok in other situations.

This does sound as if you are looking for a reason to stop your child going to your MILs.

"And kids know who they can and can't do things with."

Oh yes, all 12 month olds are able to distinguish when it's appropriate to grab someone's glasses and when it's not

@Roussette I do like my MIL we get on very well, always have done.

@TheRottweiler thank you, you sound like a lovely GP and my DD is lucky to have lovely GPS also. I previously posted that I expect GChildren to be spoilt it's a privilege of being a GP. I do think DD is still too young to understand the difference of being allowed to do something at 1 persons house which isn't allowed at home.

I do believe MIL has taken offence to DP asking her not to do something and maybe she didn't mean the comment but it has just been playing on my mind as when I've looked after other peoples DC I respect their wishes.

Queenie

Is that the best you can come up with?

Shame on you! :P

Poor grandma. She’s caring sweetly for your child. Makes a throwaway comment and gets villified as the devil incarnate by MN. Children do understand different rules for different situations from quite a young age.

educatingarti Thu 21-Dec-17 08:37:20
Every time your DD goes for someone's glasses say " No DD. It's only granny's glasses you are allowed to break!"

^^
This, flutterby, is a very deft solution to the problem and will get it resolved very quickly when your MIL has to replace first one pair then another.

Rottweiler I'm with you on all you say. My DCs are adults and when my time comes (if it does!) I shall hope to emulate you!

I just think that building and keeping a relationship between a GC and GP is far far more important than the odd chocolate button here and there. I am glad to hear OP that you do get on with your MIL and in all seriousness, I would just let it go.

Flutterby

May I suggest that have a chat with your M-I-L?

Just an informal chat, along the lines of "DP just told me about DC playing with your glasses......did you really say, after being asked not to let DC do it, "I'll just let her do it when you're not here..."? Or was you just winding DP up"?

Please don't let this fester if it is upsetting you so much.

Flutter have you talked about this with dh? What was his response to her comment.

All the suggestions that you're a horrible Dil are just ridiculous. Just carry on as normal with her but if she says anything else along these lines, I would have a line ready, to make her realise you think her comment is not on. We had to do this with mil, dh was very much on board and I usually let him say something as he's more able to be more "direct".

I don't think the OP is a horrible DIL, not in the slightest. I do think the whole thing is fairly minor though.

Roussette

Awwww thank you meduck :)

Your comment fair gladdens me heart :)

Be a naughty mammar - the GC will love you for it - even if MN will despise you :)

Btw, OP. I’m not saying that your MIL is ‘awful’ or anything like that. Maybe she honestly didn’t understand the problem and simply made a careless comment.

But she’s looking after your DC and therefore part of a ‘team’ (imo!). Yes, different people / houses are allowed to have different rules. I was allowed to watch cartoons at my grandmother’s house, for example. But that’s not the same as going behind your back.

Maybe you (you, DP and his DM) could have a calm talk, explaining that you value her, that a good GP / GC relationship is definitely important but that going behind your back is simply unacceptable? Even if it’s just a ‘little’ thing like that (because it undermines trust)?

I do believe MIL has taken offence to DP asking her not to do something

She's an adult - she can get over it!

Personally, i'd reiterate to her once more that you do NOT want to encourage this particular habit in DD and she is currently abiding by your rules.
If mil insists on instilling this bad habit in DD whilst in her care, and you notice DD grabbing other people's specs (whereas she didn't before) then you will be left with no choice but to cancel the arrangement.
Oh...........and iff DD breaks/damages anyone's specs due to grabbing them you will be invoicing mil for the replacement/repair costs!

@LizzieSiddal yes DP and I have discussed it a couple of times since, as obviously I wasn't there and I asked him several times whether she actually said that.. he was quite upset with the comment from MIL and so lost his temper slightly. I let him deal with any issues we've had with MIL (not that there have been many) as it's his mum but I think the real issue is she doesn't take him seriously as a parent.

Oh OP I feel for you,. it's so hard getting this right.

On the one hand, you want to 'lay down the law', I suspect, because if this week it's her ignoring your instructions on spectacles, I presume you are imagining that soon it will be a slippery slope to other bad behaviour, which your MiL is going to allow in defiance of your instructions.

She should never have said 'I'll just do it behind your back anyway'. it IS subversive, rude, disrespectful, and it diminishes your position as the child's parent. it is not unreasonable for you to ask caregivers to respect certain rules. She is not the fucking messiah.

HOWEVER, in the interests of the long-game, I think you are going to have to compromise a little. Children don't actually expect 1005 consistency of approach between caregivers, and they come to realise quickly that what they might get away with at granny's, they will NOT be allowed to do to mummy, or in front of the nanny.

I also think you need to pick your battles here. We started off with a long list of non- negotiables re food/drink/ screen-time/general discipline (e.g. we don't practice reward/ punishment driven parenting, and the GPS couldn't and still can't fathom this, so we've let it slide outside of the home.) Over time therefore, we have whittled our 'wants' right down to a couple of bare 'needs' (no fruit shoots/ fizzies or sticky/ hard sweets, no smacking, minimal bribery.) Even then, I suspect half of our requests are ignored, and we have a kind of 'wink wink' understanding about this now. The thing that would make me lose my shit was when MiL would try to give my EBF baby formula in a bottle behind my back. Having got past that charming incident in our relationship, the thought of my toddler getting sticky lollipops doesn't quite affect me so much....

I'm afraid you DO need to develop a thick skin and a bit of sense of humour when dealing with GPs. It does generally get easier.

Grandparents are dicks.

What kind of nasty mind would even think of posting something like that! Speak for yourself, mine were wonderful thanks.

1005 = 100%, thank you ipad

I think if someone is giving you free childcare you don't really get to lay down the law. Just be grateful

Has you MIL got other grandchildren or is yours one of the first? This can be an issue alright with some mothers I think the real issue is she doesn't take him seriously as a parent. It takes a while to teach your parents stuff, but they will get it eventually if it's clearly stated.
Your DD will probably get bored of the glasses thing fairly soon. So let her spend all afternoon at MILs taking MILs glasses off. MIL won't be finding it amusing for too long!

I think that there is a difference between spoiling grandchildren and undermining parents and this is what you need to be aware of.

For example my dc have coco pops at my parents house, it's a treat. However if I said they cannot have something and I explicitly ask for them not to be given it I know that my parents would respect that.

If you are not comfortable then she can't do childcare. Going back to work is stressful enough.

My pil are controlling and do not like to be told what to do. They started with a similar comment to your mil. My advice to you is to keep an eye on it and that everyone needs to know that you are the parents and you make the rules (as they did for their children). This needs to be respected

To the GP n the thread - why do you do things with your GC that they aren't allowed to at home? What's the point? What's the benefit to the GC or your DC?
My MIL did this all the time - we'd turn up to collect them for tea but she would have just filled them up with ice cream. MIL was delighted with herself for being so BAD. But I'm not sure the kids got much out of it. Maybe the first time it was funny but after that, it was not so great.
For me it was like she was putting what she wanted before what was best for the GC. She was so desperate to be cool and naughty. It almost seemed a bid pathetic in the end.

I'm currently wearing bent glasses from my 18month old. It's bloody annoying. And is not a good game to teach them.

If I had said the same to MIL, she's a nice reasonable person and would have both understood and agreed. Your MIL is not that kind of person clearly. That's more the issue than the actual glass snatching.