To be upset by MILs comment

[flutterby3]

Hi so my DD will be 1 next week, my MIL has recently started having my DD once every couple of weeks for the afternoon while I'm at work (my mum has her majority of the time when I'm working)

My DP went to pick her up from MILs on Monday and while there MIL kept letting DD take her glasses because she liked the noise DD makes when allowed to do it. My DP asked her not to let her do it as a lot of my family wear glasses all the time and we have always told her not to and so she hasn't been touching peoples glasses. (Obviously some peoples glasses are very expensive and we can't afford to pay for them if they get broken by DD). And actually since MIL has been looking after her she has a new fascination with glasses and has been pulling them off family's faces 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway MIL said to DP "well I'll just let her do it when you're not here" and obviously my DP was not happy about this comment. And by saying This I now feel like We can't trust her to look after DD.

I know the glasses issue isn't that important but it's her comment that concerns me most. AIBU to be upset/concerned about this comment? How would you feel about it

Thanks

Jeez some of you are harsh. Why the need to label someone you don't even know as a 'cow', 'dick' etc?
I would have been annoyed by the MIL's remark but would have said something along the lines of "Oh well, as long as you're happy to pay for replacement glasses" and left it at that.
Of course on MN it's the perfect reason to go NC!

Rousette as I explained in my other post, we've had years of this kind by of thing from my mil. It culminated in changing our jobs and moving house to get away from her.

She started off making little comments like the OPs Mil did and it escalated. Maybe I'm biased and I'm probably overreacting but to make the comment she did to her dd, is disgusting imo. She should respect her sons wishes.

YANBU. To me it would be the outrightly saying that she'd be letting DD do it behind your back that would bother me. My MIL made similar comments about what you would consider small things (and a few bigger ones) and it's just led to me not trusting her to look after DD as I don't know if she will respect the actually important things.

And I actually do consider glasses pulling to be a rule that should be respected. DD thinks it's really fun to do it to DH and has already broken one pair of his glasses, so it's something we take quite seriously as we can't afford to replace them! My Mum turned it into a game accidentally (saying "nooo" in a singsong voice then giggling about it ) and we've had to ask her to start being a bit sterner in tone and putting DD down when she does it.

I can see both sides here tbh. OP's glasses situation reminds me of when my DSs were 1 and 4 (4 year old had special needs including dietary needs) and MIL did baking with them and let them eat 4 large cupcakes each in one sitting. I was absolutely furious but calmly and politely told her it was brilliant that they'd had fun doing baking together but next time could they eat 1 cake each rather than 4! Her response was "but that's what Grandmas are allowed to do!" - meaning that if they wanted 4 cupcakes each next time then they'd get them, regardless of my opinion.

My MIL has a fabulous and very special relationship with both of my DSs. As they've got older it's actually become easier, as Grandma doesn't seem to feel the need to "be fun Grandma and break all the parents' rules" so much.

OP I can feel and understand your frustration - it's not about the glasses as such, but about your MIL telling you and your DH that she'll do as she wants with DD when you're not around.

Every time a GP does something as blatantly stupid as this, it can only be for one reason - to annoy the parents. It's not like the GC gets any benefit from being allowed to play with glasses - it's clear to everyone it is unsafe.
Feeding them a few extra buttons - no problem. Later bed times? OK.
But when they are encouraging the GC to do something obviously stupid it makes you question their motives.

Agree Hesterton

I wonder if posters would be quite so supportive if the Mil was allowing this child to pull out a hearing aid or snatch a blind persons cane off them

Every time your DD goes for someone's glasses say " No DD. It's only granny's glasses you are allowed to break!"

Also when either party have her I don't go in with long lists of don't do this don't allow her to do that!

My concern is the utter disregard of DP request, he is her parent and I just feel it should be respected whatever the request.

I get what you mean op. As annoying as what she is actually letting your LO do. Which will effect quite a few people including yourselves and there are so many different things she could do with LO that can be special.
It's more about what she said. It definitely will effect your ability to trust her as this might be small but the next decision she makes might be bigger.
I have no problem with grandparents getting to do little extra things and bend a few rules once the kids are older but while they are still learning new things it's important to have a united front across the board.

My concern is the utter disregard of DP request, he is her parent and I just feel it should be respected whatever the request.*

She is his parent though.

I really wouldn't get too hung up on this. I know it's not about the glasses it's the 'ultimate betrayal' but honestly it's really not worth the aggro.

are you.that strict with your DM? Do you know for sure she in not feeding her chocolate buttons and allows other outrageous things?

some people on here need to rethink what they imagine a GP/GC relationship is about.

Some people need to rethink what they imagine the relationship between the grandparent and the grandchild's parents is about. It's definitely not about doing things behind the parents' backs.

On the rare occasions my DC's grandparents looked after them, I fully expected them to be spoilt etc. I would not expect a specific, reasoned request to be met with "I'll just do it behind your back then."

@gingerh4ir DD and I spent a lot of time with DM so she knows what we do and don't allow DD to do. DM was very strict with me and obviously I know she may not be as strict with DD as it's a different relationship being GC (although she has always said she will be) I expect her to be spoilt by GPs, chocolate/later bedtimes etc

LizzieSiddal But calling her a cow for what is a very minor thing is a bit much IMHO. You have history with your MIL. The OP doesn't as far as we know

Soup you see what I don't get is... this minor thing is a minor thing, it's about 0.5% of what could well be a lovely relationship between a GP and a GC. Everyone's making it out to be such a huge misdemenour that should be punished because according to one pp the GP is only doing it to annoy the parent. Where on earth did that come from, how an that assumption be made?

Aside from this OP, do you like your MIL?

Absolutely ♥ this thread and the comments :)

I am a Mammar and my Grandson is allowed to lots of things at my house that he is not allowed to do at his house.

Like eat sweets before dinner, go to bed later than his parents say he has too, watch River Monsters on the TV (his mother thinks it's too scary for a nearly 9 yr old, even though he goes fishing with Grandad on a regular basis), has a shower rather than a bath, has a cup of tea at bedtime,.

When he was younger he was also allowed to lots of things that his parents said 'no' too.

He is a fabulous grandson, loves coming to stay with us, and his parents actually have a sense of humour :) :)

On the odd occasion that he has been reluctant to leave them, they have simply used a bribe - " Mammar will let you watch River Monsters on catch-up".....works everytime.

Mammar Power!!

You sound like a wonderful GP Rottweiler but I'd prepared to be flamed if I were you!

flutterby

You sound lovely :) Now take a step back, put all this in to perspective, and chill.

Your mother and M-I-L both sound fabulous.

These things pass :)

Any chance she was joking/embarrassed at being told off by her son?

The underlying sentiment that she will allow your daughter to something that you don't want her to do is obviously not good.

That said, I'm also thinking that if she wants to risk her specs then that's her look out.

Kids are treated differently by different adults.

Rousette

Flaming doesn't bother me in the slightest :)

Children are only children for a very short time, let them have a childhood.

Some GP will also only be around for a short time - let them be GP :)

Hopefully my Grandson will have wonderful memories, naughty memories maybe, but memories all the same, of the times he spent with us :)

I also have a wonderful relationship with my DD and Son-I-L.

So this lot can 'flame' away to their hearts content :)

Ugh. You’re one of THOSE daughters-in-law. Cut off contact now and be done with it. You’re clearly looking for any excuse.

At the risk of sounding a bit Monty Python, it sounds small fry to me.

My DH was seriously ill in hospital and my DM was looking after the kids. I got home one day from the hospital to DM laughing her head off that DS (age 4) had stood on the cistern in the loo and caused it to fall off the wall.

I ended up having to have the whole thing replaced and the wall replastered for ££££.

Still love DM though!

I'd also like to add that DG often tries the "Mammar lets me do that at her house" to my DD.

She simply replies " If mammar says that you can do that at her house then that is fine, BUT you are still not allowed to do that at home"

He has learnt that different social rules apply in different houses/situations, which is to his benefit - one rule does NOT apply to everything :)

He is a well balanced boy, doing well at school, has excellent social skills and is HAPPY.

Rottweiler "Like eat sweets before dinner, go to bed later than his parents say he has too, watch River Monsters on the TV (his mother thinks it's too scary for a nearly 9 yr old, even though he goes fishing with Grandad on a regular basis), has a shower rather than a bath, has a cup of tea at bedtime"
^ This is very different to outrightly telling your child that you'll let your grandchild play with expensive items that are actually incredibly important to somebody's quality of life.

Children are quite good at understanding that certain places / people have slightly different rules ime.

But: I'll just let her do it when you're not here

I’d be upset about that. But she isn’t your mother and I feel like this attitude is something your DP (and not you...) has to deal with. Sure, in this instance it’s ‘just’ glasses. But I’d be tempted to nip this in the but before it becomes a big issue.

And more importantly... this whole concept of doing something against the express wishes of the parents. I don’t think it’s something your DC should grow up with!