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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by MILs comment

211 replies

flutterby3 · 21/12/2017 07:58

Hi so my DD will be 1 next week, my MIL has recently started having my DD once every couple of weeks for the afternoon while I'm at work (my mum has her majority of the time when I'm working)

My DP went to pick her up from MILs on Monday and while there MIL kept letting DD take her glasses because she liked the noise DD makes when allowed to do it. My DP asked her not to let her do it as a lot of my family wear glasses all the time and we have always told her not to and so she hasn't been touching peoples glasses. (Obviously some peoples glasses are very expensive and we can't afford to pay for them if they get broken by DD). And actually since MIL has been looking after her she has a new fascination with glasses and has been pulling them off family's faces 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway MIL said to DP "well I'll just let her do it when you're not here" and obviously my DP was not happy about this comment. And by saying This I now feel like We can't trust her to look after DD.

I know the glasses issue isn't that important but it's her comment that concerns me most. AIBU to be upset/concerned about this comment? How would you feel about it

Thanks

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/12/2017 10:04

I'm a glasses-wearing DGM who minds her DGC quite a lot. I have no problem following parental rules as I don't see it as my job to make their lives harder.

Also, my glasses cost a fortune and there is a firm No Touching rule in place.

You need to have a Word.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 10:05

If you get on well with her, talk to her. Honestly, make the effort to keep the relationship a good one. The glasses thing is trivial, but I'd be upset about the ignoring your wishes, too... however, context matters. She may have been annoyed by the way her son phrased it, as much as anything else. If he was imperious and patronising then as his mother he may have irritated her, so she smacked him down by indicating she wasn't his employee. An assertion of independence rather than a declaration of intent, if that makes any sense?

Talk to her. Explain that you want to work as a team to look after your DD and what he said worried you in case she intended to apply very different methods. If she has ideas they could come in really handy, and she too can learn from some newer ways of doing things - my mum is thrilled to learn ways to discipline that don't mean smacking, as when she was a young parent that was just what you did. The newer ways make far more sense to her. And she is good at reminding me that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint, and to let small things go instead of making a meal of them. My FIL isn't very hands on but adores them as well. They are very important figures in their lives.

My own MIL is awful - really, really awful. She has a horrible relationship with DH and will set out to upset the kids, deliberately, to punish him if he doesn't do as she wants. There have been numerous incidents which I won't bore you with. It's not a situation where her behaviour falls into the realms of normal interpersonal annoyance any more. So I have to admit, I feel sad when I see people advise things that will potentially harm a good relationship. Grandparents are important, when they are interested and fundamentally nice people. Adult disputes and conflicts shouldn't get in the way of a positive relationship. Please just talk to her - clear the air. It does sound like she's been wrongfooted by your DH trying to correct her childcare and she hit back. That's all. I hope, anyway, and worth investigating, no?

Most people love their kids and grandchildren and want the best for them. It's often tricky getting the balance okay, but where people are basically decent and there's goodwill on both sides I don't think allowing things to fester, or getting into a power battle, serves anyone well. She provides the best possible care for your baby, and if she isn't usually one to just act as though her own beliefs and wishes are all that matters, then this is hopefully a minor blip between mother and son and no more.

CardinalCat · 21/12/2017 10:10

Lethaldrizzle

the MiL is not giving free childcare in the sense of it being childcare of last resort (and even then I don't think that excuses GPs from openly defying clear and reasonable requests). The OP's DM does the childcare so that the OP can work, and the MiL takes the DC off her hands for a visit once a fortnight. If the MiL stopped doing that, the OP's DM would just be doing the childcare as usual.

bretonknickers · 21/12/2017 10:12

I'd just roll my eyes and get in with it to be honest, the actual glasses thing is a bit of a non-issue, I would however be wondering how many other of your instructions and requests are being disregarded.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 10:12

I think that there is a difference between spoiling grandchildren and undermining parents and this is what you need to be aware of.

I absolutely agree with this. I also think there's a difference between a GP who sees a child occasionally, so spoiling is a lovely treat, and one who provides regular care. Grandpa is the naughty spoiling indulgence-provider in our family. My mum is to an extent, but as she provides care, she also never allows it to go that far, and never allows drastically poor behaviour. And we all work to ensure that the kids can't play one adult off against another, either, or get something from one adult another has denied - we apply that to Granny as well as one another, and she applies it back. United fronts matter in childcare, I think.

CrmbleBee · 21/12/2017 10:15

I'd be annoyed tbh. My grandmother looked after myself and my sister quite a lot when we were young- my little sister was a picky eater who had quite unhealthy eating habits which she was asked not to indulge. Granny ignored this, mainlined secret sweets and chocolates, crisps etc to us, little sister started stashing them and gained an unhealthy amount of weight, which she has always struggled to lose since. Probably not entirely Gran's fault, but certainly didn't help matters.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 10:15

The OP's DM does the childcare so that the OP can work, and the MiL takes the DC off her hands for a visit once a fortnight.

I completely misread, and then read comments talking about regular free childcare, so thank you for that clarification (I know it wasn't aimed at me, but it was really useful anyway!).

If it's just 2 afternoons a month, I'd not worry. It's not going to have much of an impact, really. If she's not someone who would ever put your DD at risk then don't sweat the small stuff. If this was a regular care arrangement I'd want it sorted, but for this little contact it's not a big deal. Not when you like and trust her generally.

Lethaldrizzle · 21/12/2017 10:18

Cardinal - the mil has the kid one afternoon per fortnight so op can work. Sorry - in my book that's free childcare. So many threads with posters complaining about their parents or in-laws doing something wrong whilst providing free childcare. Its astonishing. Just be grateful!

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2017 10:18

I think that there is a difference between spoiling grandchildren and undermining parents and this is what you need to be aware of.

This is the crux of the matter.

Giving them chocolate biscuits whenever they ask, annoying but you let it go. Letting them stay up late, (so they are a complete pain for you the next day) annoying but that's what GPs are for.

Underminding you as a parent, not on and if they carry on you're left with no choice but to limit the time they spend with their grandchild.

The final straw for us, after 4 years of her underminding mad behaviour, was when mil starting coming to our house at 6.45 pm every weekday. Dh wasn't there, I was trying to get a 4 year old and 1 year old into bed. She would walk in (we lived in the same village) with sweets, get them very excited and leave 20 minutes later. I asked her very politely not to do this as it wasn't the best time, I locked the doors (she knocked very loudly) she completely ignored me and carried on. Dh went to speak to her, again very politely. She went ballistics and said they were her grandchildren and she'd go and see them whenever she wanted. Hmm

We had both changed jobs and moved areas within 3 months, as we knew she would only get worse. She was the loser but some people will never think they're in the wrong.

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2017 10:19

Drizzle the OP has said her own mum is more than willing to do all the childcare.

The OP is not reliant on her mil.

GinnyWreckin · 21/12/2017 10:23

I hope no one shouts in your kids face when they pull off someone’s glasses.
My DH’s glasses are 800 quid. He’d shout I’m sure if they’re knocked off as he’s blind without them.

It’s a dangerous thing to do.

Your mil needs to behave herself. Disregarding a parents wish is stupid. Being sneaky and deceitful isn’t something I’d tolerate.

I’d phase out visits and involve your mum more. If mil squeaks about it, tell her you don’t trust her anymore: see what she says.... pay attention to exactly what she says. Does she minimize your concerns, dismiss them, get angry, blame your DH, or is she genuinely remorseful?

You’ll know what to do then.

toomuchofacoincidence · 21/12/2017 10:26

Can nobody see the bigger picture here? MIL should not deliberately undermine her son and DIL.
My MIL (although we are NC now) had to practically be threatened not to cut my DDs fringe. She was a (shit) hairdresser many moons ago and thought she should have the right to cut my little girls hair (first ever hair cut) she also used to compare my parenting to dhs exes (he has kids from previous marriage) which I thought was massively insulting as she was always slagging his ex wife off!
Some MIL do set out to be dicks to their DIL and I'm a prime example of this. My FIL is a sexual predator but apparently her DS going NC is ALL my fault. She actually said that to DSC 😡

HouseworkIsASin10 · 21/12/2017 10:27

Anyway MIL said to DP "well I'll just let her do it when you're not here" and obviously my DP was not happy about this comment. And by saying This I now feel like We can't trust her to look after DD.

Is this shit for real? She has said that comment about playing with glasses not about playing in the middle of a motorway or eating worms all day. You really need to get a grip.

mrsmuddlepies · 21/12/2017 10:28

You sound like you massively favour your own mother. Your MIL will never get it right and you will always find something to compare her unfavourably to your own mother.
MIL may give up on you, rather than the other way round.
My last post on another thread was telling an OP what a good mother she was. You, not so much.
Calling grandparents dicks, completely horrid.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 10:32

toomuchofacoincidence I have an awful MIL as well. I think it's important not to project, here. OP says she has a good relationship with MIL and this is the first issue - the baby is one! It was a single comment, which may have been made if OP's husband spoke to his mother in a bossy and/or patronising way and got her back up. She may have reacted from that, not because she plans to undermine them. Flying off the handle and throwing what may be a really nice grandparental relationship away over one comment is not seeing the bigger picture, I'm sorry. It's the opposite.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 10:33

mrsmuddlepies your post is ridiculous, too. Just from the opposite direction.

perfectstorm · 21/12/2017 10:35

Completely agree that calling all GP dicks is horrid, though. Ageist bullshit. Billions of pounds of free childcare is provided by grandparents annually; the economy would literally fall apart if all went on strike tomorrow. Most people are decent; age has nothing to say to it.

Tiredstressed · 21/12/2017 10:37

It is great for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren but it is unfortunate that this appears to come at the price of undermining the parents. Both my mother and my MIL do it. Even if my daughter is being told off for being rude, they will cut across us to tell us that it is fine. I understand that they are desperate to be liked by their grandchildren but I don’t think it does anyone any favours. In this situation, I’d explain the concern so she knows that you are not being overly sensitive or picky. I appreciate that childcare is horribly expensive but I’d prefer to pay someone than tread the difficult line of grandparent child care. It frequently appears to cause more angst than help.

missadasmith · 21/12/2017 10:40

You sound like you massively favour your own mother. Your MIL will never get it right and you will always find something to compare her unfavourably to your own mother.
MIL may give up on you, rather than the other way round.

^ This.

Mumof56 · 21/12/2017 10:40

My DM is happy to have her all the time when I work

Was it the grandparents that decided to have this child or you?

Tubbyinthehottub · 21/12/2017 10:41

I don't think the glasses thing is that trivial. She needs to know she can't touch people's glasses. If she goes to nursery or school they will be quite strict about this. If your DD does this again at MILs I would say "we never touch other people's glasses, DO WE?" Just explain you don't want your DD thinking it's ok to do it and if she does it with MIL she will do it to other people. She's too little to understand one rule for MIL and another for others.

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2017 10:41

She may be doing you a favour. The fascination of this game will pall after a time and your DD will lose interest in people's glasses quicker than she would otherwise have done whilst they remain forbidden fruit. Win-win.

CardinalCat · 21/12/2017 10:41

missmuddlepies
I don't think it's wrong to favour your own mother. After all, having been raised by her, her parenting style is be definition going to be more familiar/ comfortable. It's a natural affinity to have, and while it might not be fair, it's just life. I am the mother of a boy, I'm well aware of the fact that when he has kids, I am going to be the less favoured granny for a bit while mum finds her feet. I'll just try not to be a disrespectful, precious bitch about it, unlike the OP's MiL.

coffeemachine · 21/12/2017 10:43

My DM is happy to have her all the time when I work

why does your DM get so much time with DS and Mil just once an afternoon in a fortnight.

From everything you posted it just screams that you favour your DM over and above MIL. You cannot deny it. It's obvious that you have been looking for something to slag her off.

RestingGrinchFace · 21/12/2017 10:50

YANBU.

My inlawstakes this attitude. At first it was about silly things like giving my LO chocolate. Then it was about slighty important things like giving him a bottle when we were trying to wean him. Now it's about his (what they think is made up-it's not) allergy. My MIL draws the line at life threatening but when he's with my FIL we can't turn our backs for a minute.

You clearly can't trust her to do as you say-which she should do, you are the parents not her. The question is how much do you care? Isthr utility value of her childcare great enough to compensate for the inconvenience of her inadequate behaviour? At this stage, when it's just the glasses, I would assume that it does but you should start thinking about how things will go as your DD gets older and discipline and routine becomes more important.

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