To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

[PeanutButterIsEverything]

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

Well me and DH do Christmas together - I plan more things like trips to Santa / ice skating. He plans more food. We both buy and wrap gifts. We all decorate together. We only do the bits we and the kids find fun. We don't find it stressful either of us.

Yes I agree it'd be less stressful and done over a couple of days probably christmas eve for shopping and christmas for present giving.

I agree with you. I don't do any of those things. I don't send cards, I don't buy gifts for anyone except really close people (5 this year). I don't host I don't cook. I don't decorate except for a small (fake) tree. Christmas is fine for me, just a bit of time off work.

My dh sorted Christmas this year as I wasn't up to hosting and lots of people. Hes booked us a fabulous lunch , did the shopping a few weeks ago, bought food for a bbq supper. Men are completely capable of doing this.

Well I have tried to keep it low key this year, DS is only just 2 so doesn't have expectations around it all. Very few decorations and some nice food (that definitely is my domain, I am far more food orientated than DH!). But this week I was questioning myself as I haven't brought all our relatives something 'from DS' and it seems it is now the done thing to do. DH looked at me like I'd finally lost it when I mentioned it and a few (female) colleagues agreed. Just another thing that's been added to the list of 'stuff to do' and something that I suspect it would never occur to most men to do.

It wouldn't be in the least less stressful. We have a tradition that DH cooks the Christmas Eve meal and is in charge of getting the ingredients, but every year he forgets or can't find something so someone has to do an emergency run to get it; and he inevitably gets stressed out so that the air is blue and the stress spreads to everyone in the house. I'd hate having that extending throughout Christmas.

OP, what you really mean is that we should all have minimalist Christmases. I could definitely get behind that, but can't bring myself to spoil the tradition for the family.

DH is a SAHD. He does organise Christmas in our house. I buy his present - usually - although he actually ordered it this year, and I do the wrapping and write most of the cards because I quite enjoy doing it. He buys all the gifts except (usually) his own, although we do make a list together, all the cards and wrapping paper and all food except the meat (I drive past our local farm shop on my way to work), and makes all the family arrangements. It works well for us.

I'm reluctant to call it a man thing, as men tend to enjoy the Christmases their womenfolk provide for them (just as they enjoy the offspring they don't have to look after), but there is certainly something to be said for massively simplifying Christmas. I take two weeks off work, drink high quality booze and buy myself some lovely presents. It helps that I don't have kids, of course.

I'm not saying they're not capable, hopeful, just that maybe Christmas would have evolved differently into a much smaller event had men been at the heart of all the planning etc all through history.

Just strikes me that we have created a lot of work that isn't necessary.

If I left it to DH it’d be miserable.

We’d have no one round, everyone would be bought the same gift or given cash, and there’d be none of the little fun traditions we’ve built up over the years that the DC love.

I don’t get stressed, I like it all.

How do you define stressful?

If you’ve planned in advance, what is there to be stressed about?

Some people like the drama of Xmas and go overboard to make it "special" and " make memories".
It's not stressful for me because I don't let it . I think it highlights what is wrong in some folk's lives....no support from partner and a basically crap relationship, a dysfunctional family, and a need to be a people pleaser with an element of martyrdom.

My husband buys all the presents and does all the cooking. He's way more in Christmas than me.

Oh and I don't send any cards.

I do get what you are saying. I think it comes down to some women just placing too much importance on other unnecessary stuff. My ds is 18m, it hasn't even crossed my mind to buy stuff for other people from him. That's not necessary but something that would make you stress.

It would be less stressful but less special. My DH would see nothing wrong in serving beans on toast on Christmas Day, for example. He wouldn't decorate the house beyond the tree and wouldn't think to book anything like ice skating or panto.

But you're saying maybe we don't need all those things? But then it would just be like any other time and not special in any way.

We also don't send cards, it's so unnecessary. If you are close enough we call or message. No stress about buying and posting them. We are very much on the same page about most things.

I agree with you in part. We put all this pressure on ourselves. It is marketing driven, true, but I noticed it when my kids went to school and other women started to put the pressure on me. I got roped in to "helping" with all sorts of events and other women made me feel inadequate because I wasn't doing XYZ for my child.

Pre children I did no presents, a few parties, a bit of special food, cards and that was it.

My ex DP always did the Christmas food - and still does.

We, as women, compete with other women much harder than we admit and there is an innate bullying in trying to make other women feel that they aren't getting it right. Christmas is the pinnacle of this behaviour.

If it was up to DH, the kids wouldn't have presents (or something bought just the day before in a mad rush) and we would eat a bowl of canned soup. I don't have high standards or expectations but that is miserable (I don't even like canned soup).
But men are different people. If you are stressed, perhaps it is in your nature or because you give a lot of importance as to what people think, what is the proper thing to do, etc...

I think a lot of people place far too much stress on themselves over Christmas - it's one day, but people seem to spend months preparing for it like the world will implode if Auntie Mabel doesn't have the potatoes prepared for her properly.

Our house is much calmer in comparison - we don't send cards, buy presents for immediate family only and stay home on Christmas Day. If people want to see us, they can come here. I work Christmas Eve and Boxing Day every year and there's no way I'm traipsing around multiple houses on my only day off!

We have a tree, we get festive food in and cook a proper Christmas lunch, but because it's just us, it's really not that stressful - just a Sunday roast with a few extra bits added onto it.

I do think that women in general care more about appearances and want their Christmas Day to be picture/movie perfect, whereas most men don't particularly give a shit what Bob did on Christmas Day and would be happy with presents, shite TV and doing as little as possible. Personally I'm with the men on this one - I don't understand all the stress and worry!

Well a lot less would happen, but the great question would be 'does it really matter'?

I always wanted to see the follow up advert to that Morrisons advert where the miserable woman was flogging herself to despair on the run up to Christmas and seemed to be making the point 'yes it's a huge great chore but they love it and if you didn't do it, who would'?.

Fast forward to 'Next Christmas' and her expectant family are all gathered around an empty table, cut to images of an unadorned house, a kitchen with nothing going on in it, closed supermarkets stripped bare of turkeys and sprouts and her on a sun lounger thousands of miles away, sipping a cocktail.

I think maybe I am comparing it with, say Easter. Now that's a festival I can get on board with - it's still all very optional. Yes you can do all the church services, roast dinner, family thing if you want but there's no pressure to do anything, you can just enjoy a long weekend (in B&Q!) if you want. No gift giving apart from a bit of chocolate, no endless build up, no pressure to make it 'magical'. I know the same can be said for Christmas but there is definitely more societal pressure to do a lot more - pressure that doesn't seem to be put on men.

I think it would all be simpler. Men tend to not get so caught up in the small and insignificant aspects.

DH has cooked every Christmas dinner since we've been together except for one or two. It's impressively orchestrated with lists and timings.

But Christmas is optional. I never had visits to Santa growing up, we never had all the family over, or bought gifts for every single family member and their dogs. We had a tree, did presents and had a nice roast dinner, and enjoyed being home together.

We had our own traditions but they didn't involve huge amounts of stress or money. People choose to make a fuss over Christmas, but it's certainly not obligatory and I've never felt any pressure to "do" Christmas in any particular way.

I do agree with you that there would be a lot less to Christmas if men ran it, and stress levels would be lower. However, I try to have a Christmas that works for everyone including Dh, and that's the stressful bit - managing the needs of a diverse group of people. Dh would find that too stressful to do at all. He's already pretty much lost touch with all but one friend for example. If Dh ran Christmas we would still have a small present each and we would be in touch with our respective parents and have a traditional meal with very few of the trimmings, but his and my siblings would be lucky to get a phone call and we wouldn't be in touch with any friends. I want more than that.