To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

[PeanutButterIsEverything]

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

This implies that your dh sits around with a face like a bag of spanners while your enjoyment passes him by. Is that really the case?

Well he’s not exactly known as a bundle of fun. But we still love him, the miserable old git .

He tries to show enthusiasm and that’s what counts

I think you'll find there's plenty of women who aren't stressed by Christmas. I don't do half the stuff you're fretting about. My husband does loads. We are equals.

Surely you only see women being stressed because a. it's mostly women on here and b. only stressed people post about it!

Pleased to hear it Taffeta!

I tend to do most of our Christmas organising and cooking, but that's purely because I enjoy it. DH would chip in and help if I asked though and he always does all the clearing up.
However my FIL always does the bulk of organising and cooking for Christmas in their house, as did my Dad when he was alive.
Like much else, it probably depends on individual preference and situation.

*we also do tend to keep it simple though! And keep non-necessary faff to a minimum

Surely if you don't see Christmas as some kind of test you can't fail it. By *uptheduffy's" standards I have probably been failing for years but we enjoy ourselves as there are no expectations.

Surely it doesn't matter when they stop believing in a mythical character. How can getting your kids to believe in something that doesn't exist be a marker of success?

To see a Christmas movie you just turn the TV on. Surely a man can do that? Again to see a carol service - You just turn up - you aren't planning the event.

Surely you only see women being stressed because a. it's mostly women on here and b. only stressed people post about it*

I really hope that is the case but it does seem to be a thing in some sectors of wider society

Some strange responses. Of course “a man” can do all of this. The problem raised on this thread is that so many don’t bother.
Deciding to turn on the tv for a specifically Xmas movie takes the man in question to decide “it would be nice for my dc to watch a seasonal movie” and ditto with the carol service etc. I’m hardly organising them personally but I know how much dh has suggested doing that is special to the season and it’s precisely nothing. My dc believe in Santa because they write a letter and he (mostly) gets what they ask for. Hardly any great theatrics involved in that. But I do make bloody sure I see the letter and find out exactly what the ambiguous gift the little one is asking for actually is! Perhaps he does nothing because I have it in hand, perhaps he just doesn’t care. But don’t assume that because I say I have too much work to do at this time of year that I am making an unnecessary meal of things. That is both unkind and unfair.

uptheduffy he’s your husband so could you ask him whether he doesn’t care or whether he thinks you have it in hand’? Why does no-one talk to their partners!

When Dc were 1 and 2 I was in hospital a lot in December/January so Christmas fell to DH. He got his DSis to buy the presents a friend to buy and decorate the tree and our various NDNs to invite us round for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year - so a stress free Christmas all round but I can't imagine that we'd get away with that every year....

But why do so many men seemingly not care?

Well i'm a guy and i can only tell you it starts with their mothers wiping their backsides from the day they were born. They are cooked for,washed for and nurtured all the way. Is it any wonder then that when they marry/partner they expect and often get the same?

There are exceptions. I'm not a pussy. I know how all the domestic appliances work. I can cook and yes i see what needs doing and just do it as i pass. What i cannot abide though is a woman thinking she has some god given right to "give me jobs". She can fuck right off.

Agree completely, OP.

Ditto if men organised weddings...

It's a really stupid question to ask how much of Christmas is necessary. If you don't believe the Christmas story, then none of it is necessary. However, it's an otherwise depressing time of year and a lot of people like something to get excited about and an excuse for a party, and we ought to make a bit of an effort with relatives from time to time. It's not supposed to be a competitive time of year, ffs. Just because other women are doing something, it doesn't mean you have to. There's a difference between social conscience and community spirit, and trying to look good. If you don't like doing it and don't think it necessary or likely to bring pleasure, then don't do it. If you think it is necessary and brings pleasure to others, then stop whining about it.

I think my point has been a bit misunderstood. I'm not talking about division of labour or how capable men are - obviously men are just as capable as women and it's up to you how you divide things in your house. At no point have I suggested that a man cannot organise Christmas or do anything about the house. I was just wondering where all the extra 'window dressing' around Christmas came from and why it keeps getting bigger and wondering - probably wrongly - whether women have unwittingly made more work for ourselves by wanting to 'make it special'. Whilst MN, and AIBU in particular, is a paragon of equality, in society at large the norm has been and in many cases still is, that women take on more of what they consider to be the Christmas 'jobs' (the concept of wifework doesn't exist for no reason). And I wondered, if the tables were turned and men traditionally did more of this stuff, whether Christmas would be a bit more streamlined and things like elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes etc wouldn't have been invented. But perhaps that's just my DH. Division of labour in our house is fair I think (I work less hours and therefore do a bit more but he has his responsibilities and does not for a minute see sorting Christmas things or any other housework as 'helping' me). But if he 'managed' Christmas and I just went with his plans, it would be a lot simpler (just one present per relative, I tend to get more smaller bits; less food, I end up with too many mince pies and crisps). And we would still have a great time and it would be easier and cheaper and would feel like less work.

Perhaps I just extrapolated that out wrongly and assumed it would be a similar story in more households and through history (I'm sure the big ostentatious feasts weren't cooked by the men - or women - that ordered them).

Anyway I'm waffling now so will leave it at that. Merry Christmas all

I think us women tend to over think it, I know half of the things I add to my list aren't really needed.
A lot of nice to haves and not sure if that's enough means we are rushing about with a million things, I have tried to cut down the last couple of years and Christmas is still amazing and nobody noticed

I used to do things like have DS 'make' cards for all the family (extended) on both sides, we live overseas so stopped posting a million gifts and made amazon prime my friend while I watch tv

You choose whether or not you do completely unneccesary time consuming things. No-one else

We got a Christmas card from someone in my daughter’s nursery. There’s 30 odd children in the class so assume the Mum or Dad wrote 30 of them. I don’t even know the child. It went straight in the bin. Just a colossal waste of time.

And what’s a Christmas Eve box when it’s at home?!

I do all the Christmas stuff. I wrap, I buy, I think of things to buy and I put the decs up.

I don't cook, we go to family.

DH does over half the domestic stuff and childcare all the rest of the year so it's fine.

You've obviously not met DH , Christmas is a load of stress and hard work because you need to do it his way. Today I've been wrapping presents, because that's my job.I have a shopping list like War and Peace to be got this afternoon not to mention making mince pies, bought ones are OK but not for Christmas itself.We have more decorations than the rest of the street put together and he's still not finished putting them up. He's currently out buying his shopping list, no car and Tesco delivery didn't happen. He spent half the morning talking at me .

Tomorrow we've a busy morning and more Christmas baking.He will spend the day doing stuff that probably doesn't need doing until after Christmas but he will insist he does it before Christmas.

I've been married to him for 30 years so I'm now used to it. Thankfully it's only once a year.

There is an unpleasant subtext to some of the posts above. Wimmin get stressed / aka hysterical about just a roast dinner and the shops being closed for 2 days.

It’s not stressy to point out that for many people it is a busy time of year. DH & I manage our stress by doing the work together and taking the easy route where we can, but the truth is that December is a busy month for many with work, school and family events. Buying, wrapping and delivering cards and presents happens during a period that is already busy.

And if you have guests stating over, it’s not just a few more veg to go with the turkey. It’s 3 meals a day for X number of additional people + drinks and snacks, and making sure no one has to wipe their bum on newspaper come Boxing Day, cause there’s not enough loo roll.

So yes, we could do less. We could buy less food, forget the presents, leave the dusting and ignore the hoovering. The guests could sleep in unclean beds, eat bread and cheese and drink tap water, we needn’t bother with decorations or going to any Christmas social events. But let’s face it that would be fucking miserable.

So could we please stop telling people (women) that they are doing Christmas wrong ?

You don’t have to minimise Other people’s efforts.

Well said Buttered

If you are happy with your Christmas, then there's nothing wrong with it. It's people complaining about how stressful and hard it all is that must be doing something very wrong. There's a few bank holidays coming, so more time of, there shouldn't be anything to stress about.

We got more people staying over in the summer, and so do most people, but no-one is making a fuss about how hard work it all is. Summer tends to be wedding season, the kids are off school, we don't have a bank holiday until the end. It's much busier and a lot more expensive.

My point is that some people love to complain about how busy and overworked and stressed they are, but it seems to be mainly women. I never hear any men in the office making the same comments. If someone loves spending 12 hours in the kitchen preparing for a Christmas meal, by all means, go for it, but don't be a martyr about it if you don't. It's unnecessary.

Surely most of the stress comes from the fear of being judged, wrong food, bad presents, rubbish house for visitors etc.
Men seem not to worry about this so much?