To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

[PeanutButterIsEverything]

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

Well we do need a nice Christmas Dinner and get togethers, a tree, presents for DCs and little tokens for adults, perhaps a couple of activties like panto for DCs, that's what I think is important.

But most people would probably happily ditch all the 'gold plating' like elf on the shelf, fake snow and reindeer footprints, special boxes for the beginning of December, Christmas Eve and god knows when else, mountains of presents, Christmas cards for all and sundry etc etc etc. What is 'decorating the house beyond the tree' Herbcake. Isn't a tree enough?

It would be more stressful because nothing would be done until the very last minute, if at all. I don't do Christmas in a big way, I'm not a Christian, but we do have a tree, presents and a nice meal on the day. I wouldn't want children to miss out on those things, children love Christmas and it feels like a really special day because women make it special. I wish most men would do more to help, not just at Christmas.

As a pp said men are more than happy to take the benefit of the Christmas the women in their lives lay on for them. Surely the mature way to deal with it is discuss the sort of Christmas you both want to have and divvy up the Work associated with it.

I get overstretched and tired at Christmas - but in honesty a lot of it gives us structure to keep active and doing stuff at a dreary time of year weather wise.

So we made stuff, did a trip out, threw a little party, collected a parcel for family abroad, spring cleaned, shopped, decorated. I'm knackered - but without the pressure of Christmas pushing me me and the kids would have just sat under duvets watching tv from when the evenings got dark.

I live with dh and ds. Both of them roll their eyes at all the fuss I make. I know if they lived on their own they wouldn’t bother with a tree or any of the glittery stuff.
They’d have lots of good food and that would be it
Christmas is just another competition for a lot of women.

stickytoffee I'm with you.

People go on about 'the pressure' to do X, Y and Z and not just related to Christmas but possessions, home, holidays, personal grooming, appearance, lots of things. I've never felt any pressure to have/do anything, and choose to have the things I'm interested in and ignore those that I'm not.

I think that you are right, many women are the ones who over complicate everything and then complain! How was their DH taking care of things before they got together? If he hasn't changed, they shouldn't complain.

I really do not find Christmas stressful at all. The only thing is to ensure we have the right days off to go to nativity, school concerts etc. We buy presents (mainly online) in November, and take a day off together to go round the shops on a weekday. We buy the tree and decorate the first weekend of December.

Food is ordered as usual, or we go away to families. Kids write their cards whilst I write mine with a glass of wine or two what's to stress about?

Thanks to internet, you don't have to leave your sofa to get everything done. I am not sure what all the fuss is all about, it's one day.

My dh sorted Christmas this year as I wasn't up to hosting and lots of people. Hes booked us a fabulous lunch , did the shopping a few weeks ago, bought food for a bbq supper. Men are completely capable of doing this.

Aren’t you making the OP’s point here? You. DH has “booked” rather than cooked lunch, sorts a bbq supper and bought presents..... He hasn’t organised Christmas jumper day, elf on a shelf, cards to dozens, Chirstmas Eve bags, Carol concerts, teacher presents, etc etc

My dh is banned from food shopping. He throws random stuff in the trolley, that’s usually expensive and something I’d never buy. He moans at the food shop bill when I do it, but I plan meals etc as we both work ft.

My dhs ‘party trick’ present is a Terry’s chocolate orange. He buys loads, wraps them and gives them out randomly to friends and relatives.

@PeanutButterIsEverything Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all.

That's on you though, not your husband? Nobody is forcing you to be mum of the year and put on some magazine-spread Christmas, let alone run yourself ragged to do so.

I went out last night and got in the last of my christmas food, and it was perfectly pleasant and easygoing in both Lidl and Tesco (I have zero intention of going anywhere near a shop till next week now.)

Am not seeing the family for a couple more weeks so will get any remaining gifts online/next week too, but everything else is ready to be wrapped as and when I CBA - probably a couple at a time in front of the TV. No dramas.

Stop comparing yourself to whatever you have in your head as "perfection" and step back to relax and enjoy the few days off with your loved ones. It's Christmas, not the actual second coming (ironically).

You don’t need to buy any presents from your DS. Sign labels from all of you.

Buying people gifts “from” a 2yo is totally unecessary.

family / social hassle, big meal prep and expense can be stressful and hard to avoid.

School stuff - fair, jumpers, events (“nativity” aside) annoys me partly because it’s all women who do the work, but some (eg school fair volunteering/donating) is optional.

Some men don’t do their fair share of buying gifts / sending cards, eg for their own friends and family. That IS lazy! Unless it’s been agreed not to do cards/gifts for those people.

Yes I think we bring it on ourselves to an extent, as a society I think we've let the expectations around Christmas grow too high. It's not just buying a few presents, putting up a tree and cooking a roast. I find its the visits to family and friends, visiting Santa, ice skating, panto, etc.. It can be bloody exhausting if you get drawn into it all!

One thing I've learnt this year is to refuse some invitations, and not to feel that ds needs all these outings / experiences.

He hasn’t organised Christmas jumper day, elf on a shelf, cards to dozens, Chirstmas Eve bags, Carol concerts, teacher presents, etc etc

But those things are all completely unnecessary. and utter shite

I send a few cards to distant friends and elderly relatives, so that's not really a bother. I organise the food because I like doing it and also eating it. If I wasn't bothered I wouldn't do it. Dp does his own shopping. I do most of mine online. Even when my kids were young, I didn't stress much over it.

I do think a lot of people make life difficult. I don't see the point in hosting 10s of relatives you don't even like.

Like many things in life it's as stressful as you make it - pragmatist talking here

I do agree with you op. When dds were younger I thought "he won't di x, y and z properly" therefore ill do it. I've learnt that he may not do things as I want them to be fine, but his way us just as valid so he now does an awful lot more.
One example is Xmas day food. One year he did the whole thing. He bought berthing from M&S, absolutely everything. To be honest I thought it would taste awful but I wasn't at all and it made me realise I did my need to spend days beforehand, making bread sauce, stuffing, etc etc etc.

He also likes doing stockings, I'd spend weeks choosing things that I thought dds would love. He goes into the local toy shop and just buys whatever he fancies. again he doesn' dds love it so why should I have a problem with that?!

Excuse typos.

But nothing at Christmas is compulsory. It's just a day like any other. You don't have to go nuts with presents, cards, feasts lasting a fortnight, cards, decorations, elf on the fucking shelf, christmas eve boxes and the rest of the shite.

We don't do cards. We have a tree and no other decoations. DH has boguht as many presents as I have and will help with the wrapping. Dinner will be collected from M&S on Christmas Eve and shoved in the oven. We don't buy into the "more and more stuff and spending" activities like elves, christmas eve boxes and the rest of it.

Christmas is only stressful because you've made a choice to have it that way.

Yeah I think so.

Do you really think banquets, days of feasting and over the top displays were invented by women, PeanutButterIsEverything?!! Clearly you were never very interested in history!

Reading MN it appears that Xmas is almost as stressful as weddings.

Too much commercial pressure to buy stuff, we have cut down massively, nothing more annoying than being bought presents you don’t want or like. We are buying a joint present, when we find the right one, a lovely painting for our new house.

I think there is a lot of pressure when you have young dc
It does appear that it's mainly women who feel the stress of doing it all and I've been there myself.
Now my dc are older quite frankly I either buy them something I know they want or put money on a card.
I haven't sent cards this year except to older relatives.
I haven't even put the tree up as I've just moved.
I do get time off work though so I'm lucky there.
It is very commercialised.
I've been on few do's but if told friends I'm not bothered about any more nights out as it's all a bit overpriced and hussle and bussle.
I used to host every year but now I've moved into a smaller house with brand new carpets, I've told people who've asked that no im not hosting and no I'm not having a house warming party!
Done plenty of that in the past.
I've also bought my mum an ' experience gift' which I know she will appreciate more.

I don't find it stressful at all tbh. Admittedly we don't usually host, we go to family. But I don't find the run-up to Christmas stressful either. I buy presents, write cards and.... what else really? I don't really get how a christmas jumper day or a carol concert is stressful. Things like Elf on the Shelf and Christmas Eve boxes - don't jump on those bandwaggons if you find it stressful! I can't believe what a flap people get into about Christmas tbh.

I don't think I am particularly stressed at the moment, maybe that was the wrong word. But yes I'm not immune to the marketing and people on social media egging each other on. The presents from the 2 year old thing was a new one sprung on me this year. It genuinely hadn't occurred to me but I have seen about 3 threads in various groups this week asking what people have got their significant others from their tiny DC. And everyone else seemed to have got a special personalised present etc and initially I thought 'that's ridiculous, DS can't choose anything so it's not going to be from him'. And then I thought 'DH would never think of doing such a thing so why should I'. And then you question yourself and start to wonder if you should somehow be doing it too because everyone else is. And then I came to my senses again.

But really - would men have come up with this crap? Matching clothes for dad and baby? (I shit you not, it's a thing now, 'twinning' mum & baby sets). Christmas toilet seat covers? Am I just being sexist? I know lots of men are really into Christmas, just most of the men in my family aren't.

I know you don't have to do it all and believe me I am not trying to. Our Christmas will be a lot sparser and more low key than many. I am no people pleasing mum of the year by a long way and have no desire to be. Nor is my husband lazy or leaves it all to me. Just that he doesn't see the point of much of it.

I guess I was just musing on what Christmas has become and how it's got that way and that maybe it is women who have bought into the magazine spread ideals more than men, and that if Christmas had evolved to be driven by men then there wouldn't be so many things to do, whether or not you choose to do them? Maybe it's the thought of the primary school years looming and the way that seems to whip up the DCs into a frenzy that is a bit much.

I don't know. Anyway got to get ready for work now!