To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

[PeanutButterIsEverything]

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

I get what you're saying OP.

In fact to be totally honest occasionally when i'm getting a bit cat's arse face about DH not rushing about and stressing as much as i am (with all sorts, not just xmas) i have started to stop and think ''hang on - who exactly is the one being a twat here?'' and y'know what? Sometimes it's me! Sometimes i am getting stressed about a load of unnecessary detail and indulging in a bit of 'look at me look at what i have to do all the time' stuff performance (this is a private thought process mind you - i wouldn't tell him )

The thing is stressing about getting everything 'right' is a vicious circle. You have to take responsibility for choosing to do x, y, z AND a, b and c instead of just x and y.

You could argue that if it were the norm that 'men did xmas' for long enough they'd eventually just end up in the must please everyone roundabout as well.

Would there be a Christmas if men were in charge? It's not like they're in charge of Easter is it? It's still women in general that get eggs, make bonnets, but don't go as overboard as at Christmas.

Men don't really give a fuck about organizing any of the general community festivals (NAMALT). What general community encompassing festivals or celebrations are there that men are generally in charge of? I cant think of a single one.

So YANBU in the sense that if men were in charge it would be less stressful, but... YABVU in phrasing it as a sort of criticism of women.

I actually think that Christmas is exactly how men want it (warning- huge sweeping generalization coming up).

Women do the thinking, organizing, shopping etc. Which keeps families and children happy. And they spend money which makes the men that own the shops rich.

It is in a lot of men's interest that women keep Christmas commercial and about consuming.

Think carefully before buying gifts from your children, my parents started this when I was a child with the result of me still having to get presents for aunts, uncles and cousins in my 40s.

My Christmas would be a lot less stressful if we had more money to throw at it. At the risk of sounding like Del Boy, it'll be different next year!

DH does sweet FA, I guess he could but I wouldn't want to take the chance. Once the DCs grow up he can be in charge so it wouldn't matter if presents weren't bought.

DH has cooked every Christmas dinner since we've been together except for one or two. It's impressively orchestrated with lists and timings

Same here. And this morning he’s taking our 4 and 2 year olds to the butchers, the farm shop and the supermarket to buy all the food while I nurse my hangover in bed. I don’t find Christmas particularly stressful at all!

So basically what you’re saying is it would be much less stressful if we just didn’t bother?

Well, yeah.

I think when shops start selling Christmas cards in September and the decorations go up mid October in some places it builds things up to an unnecessary crescendo.

It means that Christmas is on people’s minds at least subconsciously for nearly a third of the year. All a great big commercial dream of course.

When I rule the world there will be no decorations or Christmas things being sold until December 1st.

But really - would men have come up with this crap? Matching clothes for dad and baby? (I shit you not, it's a thing now, 'twinning' mum & baby sets). Christmas toilet seat covers? Am I just being sexist?

I saw a Manchester United Toilet seat once. I bet that was mainly sold for men. So I think you are being a bit sexist, yes. Men can be just as ridiculous as women, they just tend to do it for obsessions that are mainly focused on themselves instead of their family or community. Women are socialised to obsess more about family and community.

'We, as women, compete with other women much harder than we admit and there is an innate bullying in trying to make other women feel that they aren't getting it right. Christmas is the pinnacle of this behaviour.'

Speak for yourself. I do not, and have never made a song and dance about xmas. It is a roast dinner and some presents. No more hassle than a birthday.

My DH on the other hand does. What annoys me is he has a whole list of 'musts' and I'm expected to do scurry about in the background making them happen. He's invited 3 sets of guests in a space of 4 days after xmas, some of whom are staying over. So instead of 1 roast dinner I am cooking for the masses 4 days in one week, and changing 4 extra beds and cleaning 2 extra bathrooms. Will he do this work himself? No. I'm pissed off but not such a bitch that I'd refuse to provide hospitality for people who have put themselves out and travelled a long way. I bet given the choice they'd rather avoid the motorways and stay at home.

The fact DH does none of the behind scenes work is another thread.

Given that most of the social media stress will be coming from men (there are more men in the work place so it follows more men in advertising etc), I doubt it would be less stressful.

Men can be less stressed precisely because they leave all the worrying to the women.

My dh will ask me seven million questions if I try and leave stuff to him. Ok occasion he has actually left stuff too late (e.g for dcs birthdays) so I’ve had to rush last minute because I don’t want them to be let down. One year he actually didn’t buy me any presents, not even a card for my birthday because he hadn’t been organised enough. So less stress for him because he hadn’t done the thinking, but it was disappointing to say the least.

I don't find Christmas stressful, (I find my MIL stressful, but DH is worse with her than I am). If DH was in charge nothing would get done until right at the last minute, whereas I have everything planned and wrapped, food pre-prepared and frozen, guest organised....I love Christmas

PeanutButterIsEverything - if you are aware of toilet seat covers, "twinning" and presents being given in babies' names, I would say this is a you thing, not a woman thing! Don't tar me with that inane brush! I neither know nor care what other people do for Christmas. That doesn't mean I think it would be more fun to do nothing.

Coconutella no i think you are missing my point. I'm trying to say that my dh did sort out xmas, as that what I would love to do actually. I care not a jot for elf on the shelf, a special meal with trimmings etc. We eat great all year round so why slave away for one day as if we need to look forward for one day to eat well.

My point is that the day sounds perfect as we have alot of free time to spend as a family. My ds is 18 months. He doesn't care for the decor, big meal and the unnecessary fuss. But he does care for us giving him alot of our time. So that's what it means to us to have Xmas In our home.

But really - would men have come up with this crap?

Maybe not, but there are plenty of women who don't buy into it either. I love Christmas, but that doesn't mean I'm even remotely tempted to embrace any of the tacky new Christmas 'things' that the marketing tries to sell me. Do what you want to do at Christmas.

We normally go to he circus or the panto at Christmas. Usually the weekend before.

This year DH was faffing about which he wanted to do. I told him to think about it and tell me when he wanted it booked. I reminded him. He mentioned it finally this morning. I pointed out we've no chance of getting panto tickets now. I pointed out I asked him about in at the start of November and said we'd need to book. He looked confused. He only wants to think about Christmas at Christmas.

That I booked to see santa in September was laughed at, but if we'd left it to the start of December it would all be sold out.

(I can get circus tickets and will book ice skating for this weekend as well, the kids won't remember we normally do panto but DH wants to go and will be huffy I've not just magicked up tickets for Saturday afternoon)

Don’t blame men or society if you get yourself all stressed out about Christmas. Any pressure put on you is most likely coming from yourself. If you cut that out then life is a lot nicer.

I do all the Christmas prep in our household - because I enjoy it. I like spending time thinking of nice gifts and nice food. If it gets a bit much I either pare back the ideas or ask for help. Simples.

I really don’t see why people get themselves all in a knot about Christmas.

Bar one friend who has a big Christmas party a few days before I don't know anyone in real life who makes the massive deal out of Christmas that you see on here. Most people kind of do the same as us...make a list of people to buy for, then buy (all online this year), make a list of food needed...and buy it. That bit may be fraught if shops are busy but not rocket science. Mine is arriving in the back of a tesco lorry on Saturday. Cook a big roast, eat it.

The most stressful part of Christmas for me is the endless card-writing and getting ds in particular to write his cards. So my dh does it instead, because if it was left to me I just wouldn't bother sending cards which he says is rude if we/ ds have received them.

I buy the vast majority of the presents for the children, but I like doing it and dh would leave it till the last minute which I'd find stressful. I'm also better at budgeting. But we wrap them all together.

We buy food together or in shifts while the other looks after the children so we don't have to drag them around the busy shops. Mostly we cook it together too, although I do prefer to take charge because I struggle to share the kitchen space with him (he tidies up things I still need). He is capable of cooking a roast and if I don't want him in the kitchen then he does other things to help.

Very little stress here. I love Christmas.

I suspect that if men had been left to organise Christmas, you just wouldnt get the Christmassy feeling (because that comes with actually trying and decorate the house etc... even if you dint go over the top)
You wouldn’t get the family feel (because that means making an effort to contact people, organise for them to come or to come over etc...)
You wouldn’t get the family mean (because it means planning way ahead to have space on the freezer, to order the food etc...)

In our family, Christmas has never been a very big thing. I dint do all the stress stuff about buying present from the dcs and what not.
But if H was left to it, the same thing would happen that dur8ng the year. He wouldn’t be able to plan properly for the food, he wouldn’t invite people over etc....
Just like most men according the research (on their own they are not as social for example)

So whilst i agree that some of the stuff is going over the top, I fully disagree that Christmas would be just as mice but simpler if men were dealing with it.

Invisible tbh, I would make a point in that one and not book any last minute ticket. And then let your DH grumble.
He was asked to do something and couldn’t be bothered. He is just feeling the consequence of his attitude.
Please don’t go and save him.

He hasn’t organised Christmas jumper day, elf on a shelf, cards to dozens, Chirstmas Eve bags, Carol concerts, teacher presents, etc etc

But all that stuff is completely optional, with perhaps the exception of anything school-related. Christmas jumpers can be picked up in Tesco while you do the weekly food shop, as can presents for teachers - it's hardly stressful to add some fancy chocolates to the weekly shop!

Elf on the shelf, Christmas boxes - why bother? It's just another way for shops to make money out of you. Growing up I had a cheap chocolate advent calendar, a stocking with cheap tat and a chocolate orange in and tree presents - that was it. I never expected trips ice skating, days out to see Santa or anything else parents seem to insist is "necessary" these days.

I'm only 29 so this wasn't so long ago. I had some fab Christmasses growing up but they were simple and nothing like you've described, thank God.

No wonder so many kids get hyped up - the parents are just as bad!

Nope. DH does Xmas and he makes it a faff (it's just dinner for 4 people, we don't need 300 courses and side dishes!)

It'd be very simple if I had my way

hellofresh Your H’s behaviour is selfish and sexist. Why would you consider yourself “a bitch” for not meeting his standards of hospitality for friends HE invited?

HE can do it!

Don’t be a mug.

Our Christmas is low key, partly in reaction to the over staged managed, ritualised, stressful Christmases of my childhood, and partly because being abroad allows us to do things our own way.

All we have at the moment is an Advent ring with real candles on the dinning table. We'll put some decorations up today or tomorrow when the kids get in from school. We always put the tree up on Christmas eve morning, then have a special but simple version of Christmas dinner - more just a Sunday roast, duck this year (but I don't normally do Sunday roasts on ordinary Sundays as the kids can take or leave them) lunch, then the kids go upstairs to tidy their rooms (which nobody enforces) and the "Christkind" puts the presents under the tree - they hear a bell, which is the Christkind, and come rushing down to open presents. We go to DH's parents on 25th - but where we live 24th is the main day, 25th is called "Second Christmas Day".

We do do stockings, we don't do church.

I'm not sure its male/ female - or it shouldn't be. I think most of the stress and hassle around Christmas is fairly hideous, so we don't do it. We do enough I think, but as a child and teen I hated the packed schedule of ritualised activities and have no wish to replicate.