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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

236 replies

PeanutButterIsEverything · 21/12/2017 06:43

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercheese · 21/12/2017 09:57

My thoughts are why get together/stay in the first instance with one of these lazy buggers. Well maybe they hide it as everyone shows their good side at the start of a relationship. First sign of any rubbish and I was out. It means I did the dumping with every BF as soon as they irritated me.

DH and I do the Christmas stuff together. His Mother had always written all the Christmas cards. When we were first together he assumed I would do this. I literally laughed in his face at his assumption.

I never feel stressed over dinner and decorations but I find stuff like that easy. I also really don't care how people celebrate their Christmas.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2017 09:57

Even on this thread just discussing it it's gone into competitive mode. It's possible to NOT present a huge smug list at every opportunity. Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2017 10:00

So WHY are women taken on the mantle of Christmas as something that they must 'perform'? Surely it would be good to change that expectation so that less pressure is placed on women generally?

ChickenPaws · 21/12/2017 10:01

I firmly believe that everyone all round needs to start refusing to participate in these stupid xmas related activities and pressures. Particularly school related stuff.

I agree that men wouldn’t put up with the pressure and unnecessary stress.

Xmas jumper day, daily shows and activities, presents nobody can afford, food waste and excess, demanding and unreasonable relatives and bloody elves are reasons just to ditch the whole thing. It’s beyond a joke now. I do think women are more prone to getting caught up in it out of guilt.

crunchymint · 21/12/2017 10:02

Of course the pressure comes from outside, just like the pressure to look good at all times. We can still say bollocks to that if we want to.

crunchymint · 21/12/2017 10:05

One thing is not to get presents for DP's relatives. We have always bought for our own relatives and get each other to sign the card that goes with it. This cuts down work.

Mookatron · 21/12/2017 10:09

As an experiment, everyone should suggest to their male relatives that they have decided Xmas had got out of hand and so there will be no Xmas lunch this year and takeaway pizza instead.

Who cares most?

horatioisabrick · 21/12/2017 10:14

Well... my DH is kind of in charge (we both contribute but he does a bit more, tbh...). But if he alone was in charge...?

Well. We’d have a gorgeous tree/house, more food that we’d ever need and the nanny and cleaning lady would have still gotten their Christmas bonus/gift... great.

But why?

I like doing Christmassy things with my DH.
I like decorating the tree with him, having our yearly discussion about real candles vs electric ones, trying to mix the Christmas traditions of 3 cultures, having a small ‘argument’ about whether pasta is an acceptable food on Christmas Eve (yes, yes, it is) and wondering whether Santa and the “Christ-child” could bring our DC’s presents...

As for being stressed... sure, some parts of it might be stressful. But Christmas (which imo includes the preparation) should be a fun time for the whole family.

But if it isn’t...? Idk. I do think that this is a sign that something isn’t quite like it should be. That doesn’t mean that ‘the men’ should be in charge of it. But it does mean that you might be doing too much. And I’d ask myself why I felt the need to do this much.

BrownLiverSpot · 21/12/2017 10:15

If it was up to my DH, nobody would get any presents, no christmas music or decorations, tree up for 2 days max. He would create a complex (but delicious, I give him that) meal for dinner which he would insist cooking by himself spending all day in the kitchen alone....and served with at least 4 different kinds of wines.

crunchymint · 21/12/2017 10:15

My first serious boyfriend would have done way more for Christmas than me.

Evelynismyspyname · 21/12/2017 10:16

Mookatron my husband and kids would be quite happy with that. The only local pizza place is shut completely from 23rd December til 2nd January though.

Beltane18 · 21/12/2017 10:18

what you describe is my attitude to Christmas, it's not a man/woman thing

I don't know why some people make it such a thing.

Evelynismyspyname · 21/12/2017 10:19

MIL always used to do a huge Christmas - she died in the summer (fairly rapid illness) and FIL has said he's not doing any decoration, kids will get money in cards, and we should still come over and he is going to barbecue (we're not in a warm climate, we have snow on the ground!).

Its fine though - kids are quite happy with the idea. He does do good barbecues, though not usually in December...

gillybeanz · 21/12/2017 10:21

I do much more than my dh because he works more than full time, I've been finished work for a few days now and not back until the 8th.
Before this I was a sahm and enjoyed doing most of xmas prep, with dh helping at the last minute.
It's nothing to be stressed about though, just a cooked dinner for your immediate family.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 21/12/2017 10:27

We do not have Christmas stress in this house. It works well.

ChickenPaws · 21/12/2017 10:27

The next generation - our kids - are also being indoctrinated into this xmas rubbish as well. So what if they get upset at not having an elf and a xmas jumper. Teach them to resist the consumerist pressure as well. You can still do xmas without all the stress.

horatioisabrick · 21/12/2017 10:33

chicken what is an elf on the shelf? Neither DH nor his sisters have ever talked about it (and their idea of Christmas is probably not particularly uncommon in the U.K.). I’ll have to google that.

If it’s what I imagine it to be... it’s either really cute or very creepy.

StrawBasket · 21/12/2017 10:37

Cards are a great example. I know quite a few men who don't do Christmas cards, never had. Then they have a partner, who insists on sending card to her family (fair enough) and his family, but then moans about having to do everything. If she wasn't there, there would be no card, she is not doing anyone any favour, just adding to her workload.

Many things are like that - kids nativity and kids presents of course you do. However, planning on spending 12 hours to cook Christmas diner when a much simpler version would be just as good is your own choice. Being a martyr about it is unnecessary.

Beltane18 · 21/12/2017 10:39

ChickenPaws "I firmly believe that everyone all round needs to start refusing to participate in these stupid xmas related activities and pressures. Particularly school related stuff.

I agree that men wouldn’t put up with the pressure and unnecessary stress.

Xmas jumper day, daily shows and activities, presents nobody can afford, food waste and excess, demanding and unreasonable relatives and bloody elves are reasons just to ditch the whole thing. It’s beyond a joke now. I do think women are more prone to getting caught up in it out of guilt."

so good I quoted the whole post Grin

It can be hard to ditch the school stuff which is partly why we don't really do anything else. I think schools need to be brought under control with this though - it's all just training the children to be obedient little consumers. Bizarre.

PoppyFleur · 21/12/2017 10:40

I don't find Christmas stressful and I type this as I sit in hospital attached to a drip on an unschedueld visit!

I have a chronic illness so I have to be organised as I don't have the energy to go tearing around doing things last minute. With online shopping, click and collect, home deliveries etc Christmas has been easier than in comparison to previous years.

I do all the cooking because I really enjoy it, DH does the majority of the cleaning because he enjoys it (neat freak). Panto tickets booked in May, other outings booked long before December.

We had a wake up call in 2016 when it looked like my time was running short, thankfully things are turning in the right direction. I live for my family and I have realised that the only thing that matters to the people that really love you is time. The one thing my son is most looking forward to over Christmas is teaching me how to play Lego Dimensions on the PS4 (I'm hopeless at it!).

It's so lovely to want to make everything perfect for everyone but honestly, the pressure comes from within or from people wrestling their own insecurities.

Anyway, that's my twopence worth, can't believe I've written this post as I haven't even told many friends and family in rl just how bad things were 14 months ago.

blueshoes · 21/12/2017 10:43

My dh bears the brunt of X'mas since it is his folks. My folks are in another country. We host the X'mas lunch at hour house. He does the Christmas tree, his X'mas cards, buys and wraps most of the presents, organises and cooks the bird, trimmings and veg for the day. I would say he does almost everything. I just do tidying, cleaning and maybe a starter/pudding.

He is not stressed. Sure, he plans it out but there is no drama in the house.

I don't feel judged if our tree is not up to scratch or table decorations are sparse. It is not a production. The food and presents will be great and it will seem effortless on the day.

StrawBasket · 21/12/2017 10:43

I think schools need to be brought under control with this though - it's all just training the children to be obedient little consumers

only when the parents interpret it that way.

Nativities are a fantastic exercise for the children, being in public, learning lines. Their costume doesn't have to be shop-bought but should be hand made with the child.
Christmas jumper doesn't have to be shop bought either, why can't you decorate something with decorations the kids have made?
And it goes on.

I am very grateful for the schools to make a big thing of Christmas, but they can't be blamed if some parents decide to go over the top. It's not their problem, or mine frankly.

StrawBasket · 21/12/2017 10:45

I have realised that the only thing that matters to the people that really love you is time

that is so true.

Good luck , PoppyFleur I wish you a very happy Christmas and New Year.

Evelynismyspyname · 21/12/2017 10:52

Straw "Their costume doesn't have to be shop-bought but should be hand made with the child."

seriously? People should be sewing nativity play costumes with their children in December?

I am, as I said, very glad not to be in a country which does all that nonsense during my children's school years.

Only one of my 3 has a Christmas play this year and he just has to wear all black - the performance is this evening but he decided to wear black jeans and a black long sleeved T shirt to school (because no uniform - another yay)! :o

Nikolaus came to the primary school and one of my other kids had to learn a poem, but parents were not expected to attend (in fact are never even told what time it is happening at, or in any way invited), and mainly school is lessons as normal, happily. No stupid over hyping and winding the kids up. Much more relaxed - they are looking forward to Christmas but mainly to two weeks off, and are tired but not over hyped or stressed.

ChickenPaws · 21/12/2017 10:53

Beltane I think parents need to start speaking with the schools about all this. They need to put their feet down collectively and object. The money, time and mental load is too much for parents and it shouldn’t have got out of hand like this.

Seriously people, rebel and say no. Don’t be guilt tripped. We need to protect our kids from all this for when they grow up. They’re being groomed to be compliant, obedient consumers and it’s wrong.

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