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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

236 replies

PeanutButterIsEverything · 21/12/2017 06:43

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MadamMinacious · 21/12/2017 08:34

But really - would men have come up with this crap?

You think they didn't? I didn't realise it was all women in advertising and marketing... except it isn't is it?

Men come up with plenty of ideas but don't like the work involved. As for all that twinning etc. crap it is INDIVIDUALS who do that not 'women' as a homogeneous Borg like mass.

As others have said I think Christmas would be simpler, it probably wouldn't happen in many households it would be that simple.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 08:34

School related stuff isn’t optional and is OTT IME. DC often look miserable and knackered in the festive performances, especially carols, and the jumpers, onesie things are a PITA: cost and time.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 08:35

The xmas fair is a classic example of women rushing around and men doing fuck all.

Kazzyhoward · 21/12/2017 08:36

I think we do it to ourselves. There's no need to make a big song and dance about Christmas. We just set ourselves up to fail by trying to make a big deal out of it.

I don't really do much. Send a few cards, put up a few decorations and a tree, buy a turkey and a few other bits of food. Buy a few presents for family. That's about it really. I don't go out specially to shop - just buy everything over a few weeks beforehand during normal shopping.

I stare in wonder at the people around me, friends, colleagues, family, neighbours, who make a massive deal out of it. Just why? I think most of it is about attention seeking.

SlimDogMillionaire · 21/12/2017 08:39

I think Invisiblekitten hits the nail on the head here. (Most) men only want to think about Christmas at Christmas.

Doesn't mean you can't have a Christmas but it does mean you might not get the ballet/panto tickets, you certainly won't get a supermarket delivery/butchers order slot. THE toy of the year? Nope! Oh, Christmas Jumper day? Just wear your school jumper and some tinsel. Missed last posting date? Oh well! Whaddya mean we've run out of sellotape on Christmas eve??? Oops 6 visitors coming tomorrow and we're down to our last toilet roll.

stickytoffeevodka · 21/12/2017 08:40

School stuff might not be optional but anything outside of that most certainly is.

No wonder children are shattered and have tantrums more than normal at this time of year. They're exhausted after a long term at school, and then they're dragged out on nice jolly days out in the cold, when they'd much rather be cosied up at home in pj's and watching a film!

I also doubt most small children want to spend Christmas Day with a never ending stream of guests or being dragged to various people's houses. That combined with chocolate for breakfast, the excitement of presents and lots of rich food is a recipe for disaster for most, I would imagine.

I've never bought into it all. I have Christmas at home - if people want to visit, they take us as they find us. We don't feed others except for a drink and a mince pie - I'm not there to provide their Christmas lunch for free!

Evelynismyspyname · 21/12/2017 08:44

Bloody hell HelloFresh That isn't remotely OK or normal! I hope you gave him hell and have made it clear he will at the very least be doing all the extra bed changing, extra towel and sheet laundry and dishwasher packing and unpacking and pan washing and any supermarket runs (with a list if necessary). He should be feeling very, very sheepish and embarrassed indeed about the following and swearing never to put you in that position again:

"My DH on the other hand does. What annoys me is he has a whole list of 'musts' and I'm expected to do scurry about in the background making them happen. He's invited 3 sets of guests in a space of 4 days after xmas, some of whom are staying over. So instead of 1 roast dinner I am cooking for the masses 4 days in one week, and changing 4 extra beds and cleaning 2 extra bathrooms. Will he do this work himself? No. I'm pissed off but not such a bitch that I'd refuse to provide hospitality for people who have put themselves out and travelled a long way. I bet given the choice they'd rather avoid the motorways and stay at home."

EvilRingahBitch · 21/12/2017 08:44

NAMALT
DB cooks Christmas dinner at my parents house every year. He’s a lovely bloke and a great cook but bloody hell it’s like the Masterchef final in there. Everything has to be spot on (requiring specialist implements and ingredients that are not available in my parents’ small northern town). Relaxing it is not.

I OTOH take the approach that it’s a Sunday roast where you leave the bird in for a couple of extra hours. Veg gets prepped by children or in-laws and cooked as nature intended. Any extra fiddly bits like bread sauce get bought in off the peg and shoved in the microwave while I make the gravy. I’ve had no complaints.

Laiste · 21/12/2017 08:46

I don't see this thread as blaming men. I see it as blaming ourselves and wondering if men would get as wound up. There's no denying that on the whole it's women who do the most ground work for family xmas'.

DH did suddenly turn to me sitting on the sofa last night and say happily 'i've just thought; christmas is pretty much sorted isn't it!' Like it was was an epiphany to him and it must have happened by divine intervention. And i said VERY pleasantly 'Yes love. I've done most of it now'.

I thought that needed saying, but was subtle at the same time Grin

Chocfingers · 21/12/2017 08:48

I sometimes feel like an alien on MN because I'm not married to a helpless bugger.

This year DH has: enlisted DD and her friends (who happened to be at our house) to decorate the tree whilst he did the rest of the house.

Ordered and wrapped presents for DC and his family (I just dole out cash to my nephews). He'll do the Xmas food shop and cook on Christmas Day. Then he'll cook later in the week when we have family over and a grand time will be had by all.

We'll both muck in with the cleaning, tidying and laundry just as we do all year round because he can operate a washing machine, vacuum cleaner and other household appliances. And I'm not a martyr.

PeanutButterIsEverything · 21/12/2017 08:48

Laiste your first paragraph pretty much sums up what I meant!

OP posts:
Chienrouge · 21/12/2017 08:49

And I'm not a martyr

^ this. I can’t imagine rushing around like a blue arsed fly while DH did nothing. It just wouldn’t happen in our house.

AndromedaPerseus · 21/12/2017 08:55

From reading the stressful threads why are people running around buying tonnes of presents for adults? Stop this and most of the stress goes. Also lots of angst about whether they are spending enough on their children: 1-2main presents and a stocking of small gifts- again cuts down on stress. Travelling to see family - all meet up for lunch prior to Christmas and spend Christmas Day at home- cuts down on stress. Honesty the stress threads remind me of the Brudezilla threads in that they do it to themselves

AndromedaPerseus · 21/12/2017 08:57

Bridezilla!

nakedscientist · 21/12/2017 09:00

Do what you want to do at Christmas

This is the key. Don't compete, don't do daft things on social media. Work as a team, play to your strengths. Have fun.

Also, men can be MASSIVE stress monsters.

Shutupanddance1 · 21/12/2017 09:03

Where on earth do some people get their DHs?

Mine helped put tree up, wrapped Santa gifts with me, bought Santa gifts off his own back, sorted out his families Christmas presents.. He’d help out with food but we aren’t in our own house over Christmas and visiting in laws - he did buy nice biscuits and chocolates to take with tho!

Men are totally capable of organizing Christmas, totally daft to say otherwise? Exactly the same as saying a man can’t look after a newborn - of course they can, they just need the opportunity to be shown that they are capable.

speakout · 21/12/2017 09:06

We work as a team.

I buy most of the gifts and wrap ( but I love wrapping), do the decorations.
OH plans, buys and cooks all the food. He always remembers things like crackers, satsumas and pickles.
OH preps and cooks all the main meals.

Christmas day I do the nice things like decorate the table, put out glasses, crackers, music,candles etc.

Checklist · 21/12/2017 09:07

No, DH would not stress over Xmas. His idea of a present for his mother is a kitchen rubbish bin! He goes fresh food shopping on Xmas Eve, and enjoys cooking a roast dinner - but there would be no bread sauce, cranberry sauce and it would be Bisto gravy! Fruit salad for pudding as he only likes 2 desserts!

Laiste · 21/12/2017 09:08

Also, men can be MASSIVE stress monsters.

DH gets very very stressed but never about basic day to day family stuff. He'll have sleepless nights about money, work, cars ect, but not about presents, food, clothes, decorating, visiting family, doc's appts, DCs behavior, hosting ect.

(and we're ok for money, he just lies there stressing, he admits as much)

InvisibleKittenAttack · 21/12/2017 09:09

HermioneAndTheSniffle - I've caved, I could get panto tickets for Boxing Day and as we should have been seeing my DB on boxing day but now his DP has to work so they're coming for NYE instead, we are free. DH has sent me grateful texts and said "god aren't the people of [our town] really keen!" - no darling, most people plan Christmas weekend more than 3 days in advance...

MycatsaPirate · 21/12/2017 09:11

I like things the way they are and we don't go overboard.

I do the presents for everyone. DP is lovely but he just has no idea or imagination when it comes to buying for all the kids. So that's my job and I love it. He buys stuff for me but has to be given a list of actual things or he is just lost.

DP does the decorations and is very good at it. That's his job.

We do the food shopping together (i plan ahead to clear the freezer), we wrap presents together and we cook together.

I think we have a fair distribution of Christmas work here. There is no Elf in this house.

The only traditions are ice skating on Xmas eve for kids (we watch), Xmas eve pj's and everyone gets a chocolate orange on Xmas day.

stickytoffeevodka · 21/12/2017 09:13

He goes fresh food shopping on Xmas Eve, and enjoys cooking a roast dinner - but there would be no bread sauce, cranberry sauce and it would be Bisto gravy! Fruit salad for pudding as he only likes 2 desserts!

But lots of people don't care about that kind of thing. Christmas dinner doesn't have to be all handmade and with five deserts. There's nothing wrong with frozen roasties and Bisto
gravy - that's what we're having as I have to work the day before and after and have better things to do with my day off than fanny around in the kitchen for hours!

crunchymint · 21/12/2017 09:13

Yes this is a sexist thread.
But if my DP organised Christmas by himself:

  • cards would still be sent out, he does this anyway and gets me to sign them
  • presents would be bought
  • he would get very stressed about amounts to buy of food
  • there would be no tree or decorations as he doesn't see the point

We don't go overboard though. Some people do, if they enjoy that fine.

Mookatron · 21/12/2017 09:14

This year I have heard three or four men insisting on a particular meal, tradition or social event at Christmas without any intention of arranging it themselves.

I have never ever heard a woman complain about a potential meal that someone else was going to prepare. If they want something to happen they do it themselves. I think yet again we're blaming women for something everyone creates. Not least capitalism.

Anyone who doesn't have kids at school can shut up about not making a fuss about Xmas as well. Try doing it when the school is organising something different requiring separate outfits/catering every ten seconds and winding your kids up to hysterical excitement staying Dec 1st.

crunchymint · 21/12/2017 09:14

So I would never start Elf on the Shelf, sounds a lovely idea, but I know by day 8 I would be regretting starting it.

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