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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to ask his DSIS to return the gift.

206 replies

EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 21:04

DH and his sister have very little to do with each other. We have DTDs, she has a DD and we rarely see each other (our children have met twice and they are 11 and 9YO)

SIL has sent Christmas presents that we need to wrap. I’ve looked and she has bought the same for DTD2 as my mum has. It is something that DTD2 wants, and so I asked my mum to get it. DH, because he has little to do with his sister, wants me to ask my mum to return her gift but I don’t want to do that as I specifically asked her to get it for DTD2, and it’s just coincidence that SIL got it - she did not ask in advance what the girls might like, she’s just made a guess based on standard stuff 11 year olds are likely to be into.

So AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:
Tippexy · 20/12/2017 23:19

Also - no one is saying "ask your mum to exchange hers" - they're saying "use that receipt to exchange SIL's."

Even though at Boots/JL you don't even need a receipt.

Mountain out of molehill, you're making this difficult on purpose.

Originalfoogirl · 20/12/2017 23:19

why it’s NU to ask mum to exchange it but is U to ask SIL to do the same

Equally, you haven’t really come up with why it is unreasonable to ask your mum but not unreasonable to ask your SIL. Being 70 doesn’t make your mum incapable and working for an online company doesn’t make it immediately easier for your SIL.

But the point people are making isn’t about it being unreasonable either way, it is that swapping your mums gift would be a much simpler solution. But I’m guessing you don’t want to ask your mum because you had to tell her what to get in the first place and you don’t want to go back to her and change your mind. Either that or you’ve got some ridiculous notion that it is better if your mum gets her the thing she really wants and you don’t want to give SIL the credit..

Original poster
EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 23:23

original my mum deserves that credit. SIL has seen my DTDs twice in their lives. Mum does a lot for them. She deserves to have a happy granddaughter on Boxing Day and deserves to feel that she has caused that happiness.

Whether or not I like SIL, she’s had very little to do with either of my daughters.

OP posts:
itshappening · 20/12/2017 23:28

YANBU to think it is as fair to ask SIL as your mum. YABU to ask either, just sort something yourselves and be grateful they weren't wrapped or your DD would have opened them from SIL before your mum arrived on Boxing Day. The girls are old enough to learn that you get duplicates and you get things you don't want.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/12/2017 23:31

SIL has met my children twice and she has sent gifts that an 11 year old might like, not gifts FOR my children. There is a difference.

Jesus Christ, OP, you sound a right pain in the arse. Ever thought of being the bigger person and building some bridges with your children’s auntie so they have some sort of relationship with her?

Original poster
EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 23:34

Rhonda. We’ve tried. For 15 years. Ramped up the effort when the twins were born and when her DD was born, but nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 23:35

As I said upthread, she will only communicate with DH via email and not with me at all.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 20/12/2017 23:39

In that case I would suggest you tell her not to buy for your children any more. She chose a present that was perfect, without any hints from you, and you still can’t bring yourself to acknowledge what a thoughtful thing that was.

Originalfoogirl · 20/12/2017 23:48

l my mum deserves that credit. SIL has seen my DTDs twice in their lives. Mum does a lot for them. She deserves to have a happy granddaughter on Boxing Day and deserves to feel that she has caused that happiness.

Yeah, thought so. Nothing to do with your mum not physically having to return, or for how easy it is for SIL, you just want your mum to have “best gift” status. That is utterly ridiculous. You are suggesting on Boxing Day, if your mum gives something else, your daughter will be unhappy? Or that only your daughter getting the one perfect gift from Granny will make her happy on Boxing Day? Perhaps you might like to work on her attitude to gifts if that is the case.

Like it or not, your SIL, off her own back, managed to work out exactly what your daughter wanted, whereas your mum (who has done so much for her and sees them all the time) had no idea that she wanted curling tongs. So you want her to “take credit” for a gift she didn’t even know was what your daughter wanted? That’s just screwed up.

Originalfoogirl · 20/12/2017 23:49

you sound a right pain in the arse
Strange that SIL doesn’t rush round to visit. 😝

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2017 23:53

Does it matter that a kid gets a duplicate gift for Christmas? Confused

This occasionally happened to me and my siblings

We got over it. It was good to have a spare Confused

Lizzie48 · 20/12/2017 23:54

This is something that you just need to sort out yourself. I know you don't want to, but the easiest thing would be to ask your mum to exchange for something else. If she's as nice as you're saying she'll understand.

But you do sound like you don't want to appreciate the gift from your SIL, despite her being the auntie. Very sad really.

Jux · 20/12/2017 23:55

Read the post from Welshmaenad upthread (very near the beginning), and do that. Then you can stop agonising. SIL will never know.

itshappening · 20/12/2017 23:56

It is just coincidence that sil chose a wanted gift though as she doesn't know the girl, some girls that age would have no interest at all in curlers. Also a book on how to be glamorous, at 11? It is nice that she reached out and sent something but let's not get too carried away.

Doesn't matter anyway.

ChipsForSupper · 21/12/2017 00:05

What on earth is a DTD??

I think you should, rudely, send your SIL a link to this thread and then she will know how much her efforts to keep in touch with her nieces and nephews (despite her brother marrying a horrendously difficult and petty woman) are appreciated.

Then, at least, she won't have to put herself through it again next year.

gillybeanz · 21/12/2017 00:10

Old gimmer here, but one year I got three toy dust pan and brush sets, must have been about 3 or 4.
The only lasting effect is I'm partial to sweeping up, my family think it's funny.

mirialis · 21/12/2017 00:13

Is it the booze that makes late night posts so nasty?

XmasInTintagel · 21/12/2017 00:40

I've never heard of anyone telling the giver if a gift that its a duplicate and asking them to swap it for something else! It would be really rude -fgs, swap it yourself, or regift it and get DD something else from SIL. Thats all thats needed, and it was very kind of her to get something so thoughtful for your child, thats what you should be thinking about her here!

happypoobum · 21/12/2017 14:20

I just cannot understand why the SIL doesn't stay in touch with OP Confused

swingofthings · 21/12/2017 14:26

Of course your mum should change it. Your mum knows your children well, and even if she doesn't know what else to get her, she can ask you.

What happens if your OH returns the present to his sister? Does he tell her what to get instead? She's expected to make another successful guess?

You know why you are annoyed, because you want your DD to think your mum is wonderful rather than an aunt she hardly knows. I see your point, but I'm sure you and your mum can come up with something else she'd really want. For all you know, your DD might want to write a very nice thank you card and that could be the event that gets your OH and her to rekindle their relationship

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2017 14:31

OP ignore the nasty posts.

People are just like that here. For some reason they need to turn themselves inside out to find a way to make a situation the fault of OP... so that they can have a good old carve-up. Gets rid of some of the pre-Christmas stress don'tcha know.

She will not communicate with me at all. There is a long and difficult history to their relationship that goes back to when he and I first met and her not wanting him to have a girlfriend (they were living together at the time)

She sounds an absolute bitch, and I see exactly where you are coming from... but it sounds like your DH stands with you on this one, so I say stand with him and don't make him have an awkward situation to deal with either. He doesn't want to deal with her because she's a nasty cow, and he partly doesn't want to face that because she's his sister and it's not nice to be reminded of the fact that she was so unable to be happy for him that she tried to ruin his relationship.

Be the bigger person to him by saying fine, we'll leave it.

But - at the same time, state that you won't be asking your mum to return her thoughtful gift for the sake of someone who frankly deserves no consideration from you whatsoever. He should understand that.

Give two gifts, and put the tongs aside to either regift somewhere else, to be brought into use when/if the Christmas tongs break, or simply sell them or give them away. There are still two presents. It doesn't matter. Your SIL won't ever see them not in use, clearly. Your DDs won't care about gifts from someone they don't know. If your DH has a problem with that, ask him why? She isn't in your lives... and the fault of that doesn't lie with you. Perhaps he should be pleased that you're willing to keep the peace for the sake of 'fake face' with this woman at all.

LucilleBluth · 21/12/2017 14:37

Isn't it funny how the SIL is the devil but the op comes across as a total pain in the arse. I would love to hear the SILs side. She probably wants her nieces to know that auntie is thinking about them....but their mother is an awkward sod.

Or I could be wrong Grin

MiltonTheChristmasCockroach · 21/12/2017 16:19

Old gimmer here, but one year I got three toy dust pan and brush sets, must have been about 3 or 4. The only lasting effect is I'm partial to sweeping up

That probably made me laugh more than it should have @gillybeanz

I now have visions of the OP's daughter growing up looking like Brian May in a tornado due to being gifted two sets of curling tongs.

Original poster
EvilTwins · 21/12/2017 23:04

Isn't it funny how the SIL is the devil but the op comes across as a total pain in the arse. I would love to hear the SILs side. She probably wants her nieces to know that auntie is thinking about them....but their mother is an awkward sod.

When FIL had a heart attack (a few months after DH & I married) his sister refused to let him visit. She literally stayed by her DF’s bedside and told DH that he wasn’t going to use it as “an excuse to get the family back together”. DH had to seek permission to visit outside of visiting hours as he did not want to cause a scene.

She has met our children twice and has no interest in seeing us or them. TBH I have no idea why she even sends Christmas presents.

I won’t be asking my mum to swap her gift. As I said upthread, we’ll deal with it. The comments about how lovely my poor SIL is and how I’m nasty because all she wants is to let her nieces know she loves them have given me a great deal of amusement. Thanks.

OP posts:
MiltonTheChristmasCockroach · 21/12/2017 23:12

When FIL had a heart attack (a few months after DH & I married) his sister refused to let him visit.

Maybe you should buy your DH a pair of balls for Christmas then.

If my father had a heart attack and someone (anyone, apart from medics in his best interests) tried to prevent me visiting I wouldn't be worrying about 'causing a scene'. What was she going to do - wrestle him to the ground and burn him to death with a pair of curling tongs?

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