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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to ask his DSIS to return the gift.

206 replies

EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 21:04

DH and his sister have very little to do with each other. We have DTDs, she has a DD and we rarely see each other (our children have met twice and they are 11 and 9YO)

SIL has sent Christmas presents that we need to wrap. I’ve looked and she has bought the same for DTD2 as my mum has. It is something that DTD2 wants, and so I asked my mum to get it. DH, because he has little to do with his sister, wants me to ask my mum to return her gift but I don’t want to do that as I specifically asked her to get it for DTD2, and it’s just coincidence that SIL got it - she did not ask in advance what the girls might like, she’s just made a guess based on standard stuff 11 year olds are likely to be into.

So AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:
MrGrumpy01 · 20/12/2017 22:29

Honestly, just pass the duplicate gift onto someone else Put it on a free page on Facebook and it will be snapped up by someone as a gift for their child.

It isn't worth you and dh getting in angst about it, it isn't right for him to further complicate what is already a rocky relationship (and it will be you that will come out as the 'bad guy') and you don't have to upset your Mum. Just get something suitable for your other twin and accept the gift in the 'spirit' in which it was given.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/12/2017 22:29

Get the receipt from your mum, return the gift from SIL and swap for something else your DD will like. That will be from SIL, original gift from your DM as planned.

This ^

diddl · 20/12/2017 22:31

Oh I've just looked back & they won't be getting your mu's presents until Boxing Day-by which tinme SIL's present will have been opened?

Is thatthe problem?

FlouncyDoves · 20/12/2017 22:32

What does ‘DTD’ mean?

PantPlot · 20/12/2017 22:32

All these people telling OP to do it....IT'S HER DH"S SISTER! HE should

He should do what?

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 22:32

Stick it on eBay or keep it until the others break. Now you have teenage girls you have 10 years on them getting rubbish beauty gifts and Tat boots 3 for 2 junk.

Original poster
EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 22:33

Yes, that’s the problem. Can’t do the receipt swap thing (even if that’s possible - might not be the same brand/model) as SIL’s is here now so we can decide which twin gets what and wrap them whereas Mum’s will be on Boxing Day.

OP posts:
EEandEmakes3 · 20/12/2017 22:35

Is it so bad to just give her both presents? Hair tongs always break. There's nothing wrong with having a back up pair, plus she might prefer one over the other. It's hardly worth the stress, it's Christmas for crying out loud. Just let it be!

mirialis · 20/12/2017 22:37

Neither of you are being U - you don't want to ask your mum because your mum is lovely and thoughtful and you don't want to put her out, and he doesn't want to ask his sister because they have a rocky relationship.

If you really don't want to ask your Mum for the reciept/help her get something different/disappoint her, I would tell your DDs the truth. GM bought them presents they wanted a while back (presumably curling tongs for one and something else for the other one) but now aunt has bought curling tongs and hair dye for both but you don't want to be rude and return a gift.

Did this never happen to you as a child? Certainly happened to us (I wanted an etch-and-sketch for ages and then got two one year and my sister definitely got two lots of the same art set she wanted as I ended up with one of them) and we were told to smile and say thank you. My spare etch-and-sketch went in the cupboard to be re-gifted for a friend's birthday. Thinking back, I my parents didn't get us alternative gifts, but if you wanted to you could give your DD's some money to get something else of their choice.

Mossend · 20/12/2017 22:38

I'd ask your dm for the receipt for hers, change it and give the exchanged gift as the present from SIL so your mum still gets to give her the present that you asked her to get.
As you have little to do with SIL nobody will be any the wiser

Maelstrop · 20/12/2017 22:40

Re-gift them and ask dh to tell her not to buy gifts next year. Much easier.

PantPlot · 20/12/2017 22:42

If they're not identical i.e. two different brands then even less to stress about- let her have both and decide through use which she prefers.

bellerina17 · 20/12/2017 22:48

Sorry OP I think you're being a bit unreasonable, your DH's sil has gone out of her way to buy your children not one present but three presents each and all you can say is 'it was just a lucky guess' or maybe it could be the case that she took her time to research in to what presents an 11yo would want. I would give them to the other twin and be done with it. When I was younger I'd be greatful whatever I got, and I'd say thank you and smile, she did not specifically buy any gift for them, she asked you to choose so just give it to the other one. She will use it eventually Smile

Ellisandra · 20/12/2017 22:49

Well, it shines through how much you dislike her - and you may have good reason - but you're utterly picking the wrong battle here.

  • she's done nothing wrong choosing a present that one of your kids actually likes Hmm aren't most presents lucky guesses?
  • your mum's present wasn't thoughtful at all, you told her what to get (not a problem - but not thoughtful)
  • I hope when I'm in my 70s my daughter doesn't decide I'm incapable of going to town for another present. Or you know - ordering online Hmm
  • my siblings do the send to other sibling direct from Amazon to wrap themselves thing. Practical, we like saving money that way
  • your husband does have a good reason not to want to speak to his sister
  • it's all a bloody non issue anyway, let her open both, decide which she wants and sell / regift / keep for spare / get receipt from grandmother

There are two actual issues here, and the present choice isn't one of them.

  • you don't like your SIL. Fine! You don't have to like her.
  • your husband isn't agreeing with you. I wouldn't say you have a husband problem, because I see his position here
ForgivenessIsDivine · 20/12/2017 22:52

Stick SIL's curling tongs in the regifting drawer, I am sure one of your daughters has a friend who would love these for her birthday. Give the book and hair dye to DT1 and buy something suitable for DT2 (I know it's short notice...) and take the moral high ground. I will climb up and sit with you and pour you a gin.

diddl · 20/12/2017 22:53

Is it possible to just take the tongs from SIL out of the equation for CD, keep them as a spare, ebay whatever & get something that your other daughter would like, ostensibly from SIL?

Because that seems to be more the thing now to me.

diddl · 20/12/2017 22:55

Ha! X post!

haveacupoftea · 20/12/2017 22:55

Just leave one at your mums. Or give one to other DD.

Original poster
EvilTwins · 20/12/2017 22:55

ballerina, she got them three presents between them not three presents each. I’ve already said the other twin will not want them.

ellisandra - yes it’s a non-issue (i’ve already said that) but I’m not sure why it’s NU to ask mum to exchange it but is U to ask SIL to do the same Confused

OP posts:
mirialis · 20/12/2017 22:56

When an SIL or BIL has made your DP's life difficult (from your perspective), it is hard not to dislike the IL and not to want to "cede" to them if you think they've, for example, stamped over your DP's feelings.

However, you are not helping your DP by pushing this issue, tempting as it is to send the gifts (and a message) back to your SIL.

You love your DH, it's human to feel angry/protective on his behalf, but he's making the right decision in letting it go. No reason you should trouble your DM if you don't want to - don't know your DM at all but you say she's lovely so bet shouldn't mind.

Have a Merry Christmas with the ones you love and let this go.

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2017 23:01

You've got these gifts unwrapped and you've got 3 to choose from for 2 children. I think it's easy. If you don't want to ask either relative to change the gift you can sort it yourself:

DTD2 gets the book.

Look among your presents/stocking fillers to DTD2 for something DTD1 would like. Wrap that up for DTD1 and label it from your SIL

Put the hair dye in the place of the present that you took from DTD2

itshappening · 20/12/2017 23:04

I really don't get what all the fuss is about here. You don't put the issue to your mum or to SIL, you just handle it yourselves, as you would have had to if they had been wrapped. It is one gift, it is a non issue!

I agree let your mum give the gift. She is closer in your dd's life and wanted to give the thing dd would like. I also wouldn't put her to the trouble of finding something else at this point.

Pass the gift on like you do all duplicates, SIL will probably never know and if she does just say there was a duplicate. Just split the other two gifts between the twins, never mind if it isn't dd1's dream present. I am sure she will cope, just as she would have if they had been wrapped.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 20/12/2017 23:07
  1. Don't open SIL tongs on Christmas Day - doesn't sound as if she will be waiting by the phone for a thank you call. Just say 'keeping them for another day'
  2. Let mum give her present.
  3. Explain situation to DTDS.
  4. Either give them money to buy something together or to split in half.
  5. Either return it to a store (e.g. John Lewis you can get credit note if no receipt) or keep it for a friend's birthday.

I have negotiated similar duplicate present issues with 7yr olds and certainly I would hope that my 12 year old would understand the situation.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/12/2017 23:13

🍷 I totally understand your POV on this.

If it was me I’d give the other two things to DT that would like them and get something the other DT would like ‘from’ SIL & put the second pair of straighteners away for when the first set break.

[Though, TBH, given how many house fires they start & how dreadful they are for your hair, no 11 yo of mine would be getting their own anyway.]

Tippexy · 20/12/2017 23:17

If they sell them at Boots/JL, take them back to Boots/JL and exchange them for something else. It's actually really simple to sort out.

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