Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

YABU.

Plenty of people manage without driving, being a bitch about it will just make him dig his heels in. Not everyone wants to do it.

I should add that whenever I bring it up it creates a horrible atmosphere, and he makes me feel like I've ruined our evening/upset him, or am a nag. He can't just pick up the phone right then, it's always 'I will do it tomorrow' and then it obviously never happens. I am at the end of my tether about it.

His flackyness is worrying!!

Is there a reason he's reluctant?

@boredofmyoldname he often talks about how he really wants to learn as it would enable him to go and see his family more often, and I know that he would love to be able to drive, but he just can't be bothered to learn, which means that I have to drive us everywhere

Flakeyness even!!

@liviadrusilla I genuinely think it is just laziness and procrastination

God you sound awful! Screaming at your partner because you want him to do something he’s obviously not that bothered about? Can you imagine if he was the one screaming at you? Not nice behaviour.

Why have you been pressuring him to drive for half your relationship?

Have you considered he just doesn't enjoy or want to do it? Unless it majorly detrimental to your daily life then it's really up to him what he does.

Driving lessons for Christmas!

My DH had secret lessons while I was pregnant with dc1 for this reason - however he ran out of money so didn’t finish them or pass his test until after dc2 was born..

Could he be doing similar?

It seems very odd that there is nothing stopping him from taking lessons but him being very reluctant.

Stop driving him everywhere.

I think no matter what he's saying, the truth is that he doesn't want to learn. If he did, he would have made more of an effort by now. Rightly or wrongly I would be very annoyed to, in my mind it's a basic life skill and yes I know some people are nervous, I was truly petrified to learn, and I still don't like driving but I do it because it's necessary . I think you need to accept it's not going to happen and make other plans to get to the hospital.

I think with a baby on the way it’s important he learns now.

Also what if you have to have a c-section and can’t drive for several weeks?

It’s not about forcing it on him. It is about him stepping up and doing it to take some pressure off you and to help when his family might need him to.

or am a nag
Yup Sorry but you are. He knows you want him to do it and still he hasnt. You 'shouting and screaming' isnt making any difference so back off. If he fucks up thats his look out and you will be justified in being upset. In the meantime make sure you have a back up plan. You are having a baby, all this will seem like small change once baby arrives. Pick your battles.

I’m guessing there’s a good reason he doesn’t want to. You might be better approaching it with empathy.

You’re NBU to want him to learn, but you need an honest discussion about why he hasn’t committed to it yet. In my case I would get very defensive too when people brought it up because I hated admitting I was somewhat terrified by the prospect. I never boasted I’d “find it easy” however.

If you have to get to hospital and he can’t drive, you get a lift or a taxi. Plenty of people do. It’s not humiliating.

If you have a C-section however and will be prevented from driving it’s worth thinking about how you’ll manage in that period - online shopping etc.

Book him a week's leave and do an intensive course?

Yes I know he'll want time off for when the baby arrives, but which will be more useful to you in the long run, a week with the baby or him being able to drive?

Mainly though, I suspect he doesn't actually want to learn.

I'd love to be able to drive magically and I'm sure my DH would appreciate it too, especially if like you he thinks driving us everywhere is such a big deal (although thankfully he's not quite so nagging as to point that out to me!).

Unfortunately though my confidence behind the wheel is through the floor so it's not for me.

@MarmaladeIsMyJam when I say screaming, I mean raising my voice out of exasperation, something we all do from time to time.

If he told me that he genuinely didn't want to learn then I would accept my role as driver in the relationship, but I know that he really wants to drive, but he just keeps procrastinating.

I second the driving lessons for xmas. Book his first 2 (double ones) too if he has some annual leave after Xmas.

Do you live in a very rural area with no transport? I went on a bus when labour started, had I been less well I would have called a cab and in a real emergency an ambulance. One can have a baby without a car.

Or Flakiness even Tinsel

Book him on one of those week long intensive courses. Just bring it up in a happy cheery ‘ooh look at this great course I found let’s book you on it’ way to avoid the tension. All the sanctimonious ‘why are you trying to make him do something he doesn’t want to’ comments are unrealistic I think - presumably he wants to be conveyed in a car so how is it fair that he gets to be driven around by you all the time but can’t be arsed to sort himself out to do the same for you.

Nope, you are not being unreasonable. He's being a lazy arse. Unless there's some massive backstory there's no reason for him not to just suck it up.

Except of course he's been bigging himself up and now he realises after one lesson that actually it's not that easy.

Tbf though I would kiss goodbye to the idea of him driving you to hospital - I don't think there's enough time to get both tests and enough practice in that he would be confident driving under the pressure of 'oh shit my wife's in labour'.

It’s very unlikely to be “just” laziness and procrastination. No matter what bravado he’s putting on it.