Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

He’s booked his test? He’s already passed his theory then?

Good point @gamer! You can’t even book a test without a valid pass certificate for your theory. I know because I did it a few months ago!

It sounds as if he is afraid/embarrassed about failing rather than the driving itself.

I second numerous pp's. from now on, he does all the driving. He will need the practice for this test he has booked at the end of January anyway!

Sadly I don't believe he has booked a test but it is the perfect opportunity to look like you are being supportive whilst forcing the issue. I.e "that's great DH, I am delighted you are doing what you said you were going to, lets get you doing all the driving now to give you plenty of practice"

Whilst its a good idea for him to learn to drive, personally, as he would be very new to driving - even if he passed as soon as reasonably possible, I would be worried about him driving into something whilst you were in labour - I was screaming and punching the car roof well into labour during the trip to hospital - baby born an hour later

posted too soon
and I would worry that he would panic

My DH learned at 32 when I was pregnant...and he did drive me to the hospital in labour, although I don't know if it was legal as he hadn't passed his test....

we were 5 mins down the road and it was 2 in the morning...so nobody noticed though!

I agree with everyone else. There must be more to this or he would have done it already.

He did the theory test well over a year ago, @trolleyknockers, to the point that I'm starting to worry that he may have to resit it....

Not necessary more to it - I have a friend age 37 who has only just passed - she never needed to drive - busses and walking were enough but she did pass yesterday

*necessarily

@TeaAndToast85 I think he has 2 years from the date he took the test to get through the practical.

He’s got an up to date theory test, then? Or is that the “test” he’s booked.

If he can’t explain it other than “looking a bit of an arse in a learner’s car” & reacting very defensively to it all I do strongly suspect he is anxious and can’t admit it. Is he usually proud/scared of failure?

I passed when I needed to. I’m sure my DP is glad you can now drive. But there was a long time when I was simultaneously ashamed/nervous/defensive/procrastinating and people nagging made no difference other than making me dig my heels in a bit more.

I know you don’t want to be seen to nag him but if the subject arises again he does need to know that CS rates for first time births are around 25%

Is it really like saying it's his choice to learn how to cook? Because eating meals is not optional but car transport is! How does he currently get to work or other places he goes without you op? I am a happy non driver, I use the bus, the train, taxis and my own legs as required. My partner drives and cycles. We share drop off & pick up duties - I do my share by bus. When we go out as a family it depends on the destination but if we're headed into town I'd sooner take the bus anyway. When I was in labour we got a taxi. Much better for us, as parking is terrible at our hospital. Otherwise he would have had to drop me off alone for god knows how long then drive around looking for a space... Driving isn't the be all and end all. YABU to assume he shares your enthusiasm for it and to try to force the issue. YANBU to refuse any further lifts for his sole benefit.

As others have said, the ship has already sailed for him driving you to hospital in labour. So now’s the time to make concrete plans with a friend or family member to be on hand to drive you to hospital when the time comes. (The first choice would be a cab but who knows what might happen, maybe it will get lost or none will be available because you go into labour at 11.30pm on a Friday, so you need friend/family backup as Plan B).

And I don’t mean saying to him that you should make such plans I mean going ahead and setting someone up. Then see how stupid he feels when you’re having to prevail upon someone outside the family to assist you at the birth of his child...that should give him a decent kick up the arse.

I’m shocked that he seems to be deterred by feeling a bit of a tit in a learner’s car at age 30 something. Does he really think that any passers by will even register his face or give a second thought to the demographic of the learner driver? Nobody will even notice him, never mind give a toss. And if he’d feel like a tit in a learner’s car, doesn’t that mean, therefore, that he must feel like a tit every day just being a thirtysomething man who is unable to drive?

Honestly, he sounds very immature for someone about to become a father.

As others have said, what’s stopping you putting the L plates on the car and starting to make him drive right now? When’s a I learned to drive I did 75% of my practice with my parents and just had lessons occasionally. People get too hung up on the idea these days that learners need to be out with instructors at all times.

If he’s the type to get embarrassed at the thought of being seen ina learner’s car is he also going to get all self-conscious about going to baby groups or being seen pushing the pram?

Did his own father drive in his childhood?

Have you considered that maybe he doesn’t want to drive, or even learn to drive and that he says he wants to just to pacify you?

Some people don’t see a need to be able to drive them self, some people really don’t want to be the person responsible for a tonne of metal, some people are just nervous.

One of my daughters has never taken lessons as she says she lives in a city where being a driver is of no advantage, public transport is the only way for her to get around her city.

Having been in a relationship with a non-driver I would never contemplate another one!

Is the expense of the lessons? I was very lucky as my uncle taught me a qualified instructor and charged me £5 per hour ...so it wasnt hugely expensive for me .

I then supplemented that with driving everywhere with my husband and kids to give me more experience .
I wouldn't have been able to afford driving lessons otherwise

@JessieMcJessie he can't wait to do all the pram/baby group stuff, and e has stopped saying that he would feel like an arse now, I think it was just a passing worry. I think part of the problem might have been that he fibbed to his work that he had a driving license, but I'm sure they have figured it out by now!

Having been in a relationship with a non-driver I would never contemplate another one!

In my single days, I refused to date anyone who couldn't drive.

I wouldn't trust a new driver to get you to the hospital anyway. Keep some taxi numbers on hand, ask a friend, or if you go in early stages of labour you could drive yourself. I've known others do it.

Stop bringing it up. It's quite possible that he's doing the stroppy little kid it and digging his heels in precisely because you are asking. Which is shit and does not bode well, etc. Acceptance or change. You can't change another person, so you have to manage how you deal with him. No lifts is the first thing - he can get the train to see his family, the bus to work even if it's pouring. And get a rain cover for the pram that can be stored permanently on the pram. No driving to the rescue if he gets caught in a shower. And don't let every appointment and class end up being your responsibility. Walking, public transport and taxis are all available to him.

If you have the budget you could buy him an intensive driving course as a present?

I would stop picking him up from work, in fact I wouldn't be driving anywhere that I didn't need to go to.

Let him get the bus.

Perhaps he's genuinely afraid. I was a shockingly bad driver who didn't enjoy it, would panic and make awful mistakes behind the wheel so I gave up. Happier me and safer roads. I manage quite well without.

It's wrong imo to pressure someone who may not want to do something. Ok he could at least try and fail but shouldn't feel pushed into it if he really doesn't want to.

He just called back saying that he's sorry for being moody and a bit crap, he's having quite a stressful day at work by the sound of it and I just dumped loads of emotional texts on him out of the blue. He's said that he has left messages with some local driving instructors he found on the internet. Fingers crossed, hopefully he will pass in January and prove me wrong. Thanks for the advice everyone x

I hate driving. I'm shit at it. I haven intention of ever driving on a motorway. I rarely go on A roads. I only started driving 2 years ago when i was 38 (after having 2 dc and learning on and off for 18 years) just so i could pop to my parents and the shop.

What i find odd about driving is it's something that everyone is expected to be able to do. People say it's easy. When in reality it's really hard and complicated. There are so many people out there who should just not be on the roads. Why can't people say 'i don't want to do that' or 'i am rubbish at it' ? Driving is dangerous and not for everybody.

Personally i have made it clear my position with DH, I refuse to live rurally, i must be in walking distance of shops and a station.

What if your DH says actually i don't want to? or I'm not going to?

I think he is probably scared that, having told everyone he wouldn't need many lessons, it will turn out to be much harder thsn he thinks and he doesn't want to embarrass himself by failing.

I have only recently learned to drive (am in my 40's - never wanted or really needed to and counldn't justify the cost when I had other expenses). Have to say tthat I did not find it easy. Had loads of lessons, was old enough to be scared, having lived long enough to know how badly things can end if you make mistakes. At 17 I wouldn't have had that fear.
I also really didn't want to fail and it is hard having a theory and practical test.

I wouldn't buy lessons for Christmas - that is not a gift, it is a PA act given that you two have rowed about this.
Leave him be, but don't cancel plans to facilitate his plans either. If he has to put himself out a bit, it might act as a greater motivation than arguing about it. Am assuming it isn't a financial factor holding him back, because if so, it would be mean to keep on about it.

if you go in early stages of labour you could drive yourself. I've known others do it

That's only if you can park your car at the hospital without difficulty of course.