Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

Sorry, op, I misread- you did say it would be him that would feel humiliated, not you .

You are having a baby, all this will seem like small change once baby arrives.

Actually I think it will be even more annoying once baby arrives. She will be responsible for all the driving which will be a right pain if she has a c-section. Car will be sitting there and they will be taking taxis because he can't drive. And then there are all the other places you have to drive a child. Is OP going to let him take public transportation with the baby so he can do his share? Doubt it - she will be a taxi driver for him.

Unless he has a philosophical objection to cars (I know people who do and don't drive - or take lifts) or a reason he cannot learn then he is being selfish and I don't blame OP for getting cross.

It is his choice. Plain and simple.

This is coming across as quite controlling.

Book his holiday for him. 'Make him' do it. How exactly is tgat not controlling?

I'm totally with you OP because I would be so fed up with this. It's selfishness, no more no less.

Why should you have to drive everywhere? Unless there is a very valid reason (and sitting in a learner car at age 30 and feeling daft is not a reason) I would be totally pissed off and TBH I would be giving him an ultimatum

There are all sorts of reasons why he should be joining you on being able to drive. I could list 100.

Totally agree that he should drive as a learner with you from this moment on. I would flatly refuse to drive now, he can practice with you.

Just call a taxi, ffs.
Driving isn't compulsory. As a PP said, plenty of couples manage with just one driver.Some actually manage with no drivers.
I agree about stopping driving him everywhere though. You don't have to, and it isn't giving him any real incentive to learn.

@RemainOptimistic like I said in my OP, our relationship is wonderful in all other ways - why would we not have a child together? Everyone has little things about their partner that drive them up the wall, so less of the please...

If course he doesn't want to learn- you run round after him why would he?

Stop driving him everywhere! Either he'll start using other means (taxi, train, friends etc.) or he'll start learning. Or he'll tell you why he doesn't want to learn.

It is his choice. Plain and simple.

That's like saying it is his choice whether to cook or not - plain and simple. Of course OP could then respond by only cooking her own dinner every night but how is that going to work? Obviously it is his choice - he is refusing to learn and she can't do much about it - but it is a selfish choice and I would not be happy with it.

Tell him your feel you should do a week test run of you not driving, so you can check it will be Ok when you have the baby.
Just go along with him, and say it's his choice not to have a car and drive, so when he wants to pop to the shop for something, tell him to walk over xmas.
When you need food order it over the internet, and don' give in...
Lets see how he feels being forced to use Shanks's pony .

It's a shame the wall is the only place he'll be driving You!

My dad couldn't drive before I was born. He was called to the hospital very early in the morning, and because the buses weren't running at that point, he had to run the 1.5m to the hospital (not that far but I wouldn't want to do it!)
He learnt to drive shortly afterwards.

In your circumstances I'd much rather not be driven by a newly qualified driver. He should learn to drive but not with this time pressure. I don't think it's a good idea to book him driving lessons for Christmas. Try and leave off the driving issue for a while would be my advice. It's getting blown way out of proportion.

Oh and he was 34 when he learnt to drive, so it's doable.

I think if you have the finances he should learn to drive. It's unfair for you to always drive and much nicer to split driving on a long journey.

I'd double check he's up for learning and book five lessons for his Christmas present. If he doesn't want to then you will no for sure to accept you will always be the driver.

I am in a similar situation. I've been doing the driving for 14 years now! He muttered about getting round to it for a while. Finally booked lessons when I was pregnant. Had one, then my pregnancy became very high risk and I had hospital appointments pretty much every day so the lessons went out of the window. As a result I was moving the car on the driveway at 6 days post section and driving again at 11 days (with my insurer's blessing). The baby was still in hospital so getting cabs to and fro several times a day was inconvenient and expensive. The child is now three and a half. He's just had another lesson. Sigh.

God, I don't blame you OP I'd also be on his case for the next few months. I could not be with a man who couldn't drive, it just seems, well odd for a man to not be able to drive.

I wouldn't want to force an extremely reluctant new driver on the road, especially when they are driving me and a newborn about.

I encounter hesitant drivers while I'm out and about and some of them fall into the dangerous driving category: unable to use roundabouts, going 30mph under the speed limit on motorways with their eyed wide with terror, dropping anchors at random, breaking on an icy hill and slowly sinking back down etc.

teaandtoast85 this was me and is still me now. We have been together 17 years now, he didn't drive when we met, never saw a reason to learn, he was happy walking or using public transport, I cam on the scene and I drive so I insisted he NEEDED to drive, he procrastinated so I bullied his family & friends into paying for driving lessons for his birthday one year, he did it all, passed on the second go, drove for about 12 months and constantly hated it, said he just hated the whole experience, he stopped when we had to go back to one car & my work is further away so it made sense I drove each day, drop him at work then pick him up later, we now have a 5 yo dd and when I was pregnant I told him he needed to start driving again, he kept saying he would but it never happened, it is still the same now and tbh it is an issue with us every so often, I have just learnt to be very harsh at times and basically refuse to drive him around and be his personal taxi service - he is getting the message & maybe one day he will get back behind the wheel but for now it is all down to me. Don't force it, it will backfire, you either accept he is this person or you set yourself up for a argument every couple of months over it.

I was 25 when I passed and before then I didn't see the massive deal either, maybe like your DP. As soon as I passed I couldn't believe I'd left it so long. It's a real life skill and if I was ever back on the dating scene a guy not driving would be a deal breaker for me. It's just so much harder. I'm sure he may well not see it as such an issue as you do, and why would he? He's getting ferried everywhere.

All those saying he doesn't have to and it's his choice... really?

Well, in that case it's the OP's choice not to drive him anywhere, cook and share a meal with him, basically do anything that helps him. We could not function at all living where we live and doing what we do without both of us driving, it would be totally impossible. We would have to move and change our lives quite dramatically. Even one of my DCs who actually hates driving, learnt and passed at 17 because she's sensible enough to know it's a life skill that is pretty necessary.

(I do understand if nerves or a disorder stops you driving and you have my sympathies but if it's just 'I don't fancy doing it'... it's selfish to rely on others)

it just seems, well odd for a man to not be able to drive.

I'm guessing you also think it's, well odd for a woman not to drive?

Yabvu, not everyone can drive. He might have really high anxiety or nervousness that he feels embarrassed about

He needs to tell you WHY he isn't doing it. If you're due to give birth and you need him to drive to help you with everything else too, tell him to stop arsing around and get on with it, or you'll stop driving him anywhere. It's not fair for you to have to do the lion's share of the driving, and once you have your baby, you're not going to be driving anywhere for a bit depending on how your birth goes. He needs to stop fucking about.

Can not believe some of the replies on here. Why everyone is defending him I just do not understand. OP I am in your situation, pregnant with DC2, and I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's draining. It's burdensome. It's a piss take. You're defo not BU. Same reasons have been given to me too. I don't get it. It's tough having to drive and look after DC when you've just given birth. I did have a c section first. I couldn't drive. Taxis or family was what we did. It genuinely feels like you're doing everything and DH is pretty much a spare part. I don't think people on here understand. It would help SO MUCH to have another driver on board. In fact your DH has the luxury of a taxi driver (you) - he's comfortable.

Believe me if this winds you up, it will piss you off even more once the baby is born. From experience. Mine has had over 10 years to decide to drive - still hasn't. I've taken to not driving now. I think you should either sit him down or just flat out refuse to drive, it's taxing in later pregnancy, at least it is for me, but I actually have no choice, it's embarrassing asking for lifts from family because everyone wonders why your DH hasn't decided to drive.

I hope my post speaks louder to you than everyone else defending him. I'm pissed off for you!