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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please learn to drive before I go insane

456 replies

TeaAndToast85 · 19/12/2017 14:42

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage? Grin

OP posts:
boredofmyoldname · 19/12/2017 15:40

@givemesteel, umm yes I do have anxiety around driving as I already said. Well done Sherlock Confused

My anxiety stems from being partially sighted and just on the cusp of being legally unable to drive though so whilst I am able I have major confidence issues around it.

Hope that's alright with those who are affronted on my behalf for being an adult without basic life skills...

mummmy2017 · 19/12/2017 15:41

If he has booked a test, then back off.
Don't mention it, but do stop being his taxi.

boredofmyoldname · 19/12/2017 15:42

I will also add that my DH and I have been together for 17 years and he only learnt to drive this year, in that time I've had 2 c-sections and it is doable without spending a fortune on taxis or relying on people for lifts.

I accept lifts if offered but very rarely ask.

Lucisky · 19/12/2017 15:43

Him not being able to drive just puts so much on you, especially as you say you live somewhere with not so good public transport. It means you are responsible for so much more than him and that is not fair. Driving is a essential skill. How does he get to work? Do you do all the shopping or does he go off on the bus with a shopping trolley? How does he visit his friends and relatives? Do you drive him all the time?
He doesn't have to drive a lot if he doesn't like it, but at least to be able to bumble about locally taking your child to school, clubs and friends later on, or perhaps to the doctors, would be useful, if only to take some of the responsibility off you. You may not drink of course, but if you do, how much better it is also to be able to take turns driving when going out.
I think he is rather selfish.

MrsGloop · 19/12/2017 15:44

Ugh, this would irritate me beyond belief. No practical advice, but I agree with a PP who said that driving is a chore and your DP is just avoiding it.

KennDodd · 19/12/2017 15:44

That's like saying it is his choice whether to cook or not - plain and simple.

I think that's the best analogy I've seem, it is similar to one partner choosing never to cook, or learn to cook. I think this will also become more of an issue when you do actually have a child. I don't know what you're going to do about this though, if he won't learn, you can't make him. I think you're going to be stuck as the only driver in this relationship.

This thread is an interesting split. I would guess all the people saying that he should get off his ass and do his share of the driving are themselves drivers. Are most of the people calling you controlling and sticking up for him non drivers I wonder?

Ropsleybunny · 19/12/2017 15:45

Why should the OP do all the driving? It seems to me like a massive cop out to always be driven everywhere. I really appreciate my DH being able to drive. He's able to pick me up after a night out, he can take his turn when I have a drink, he drove me around after I had an operation and was able to pick me up from the hospital.

I don't get the animosity towards to the OP for wanting him to drive.

Original poster
TeaAndToast85 · 19/12/2017 15:45

@Lucisky I take him to work as we work around the corner from each other, and I take us to the shops. I think what brought this on is that I had to turn down an afternoon with friends because I have to be at his work to pick him up, but he just called to say that he has been invited to a meal out with work, so doesn't need picking up. Now I am just sat here seething and eating the Christmas biscuits!

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 19/12/2017 15:45

Op, he was trying to put you off again by saying he’s booked a test for Jan. Then got mad at you when it was made clear that he hasn’t scheduled any lessons in order to pass the test he’s supposedly booked. Are you sure he’s not terrified of driving or failing and is too defensive and embarrassed to tell you? There is something keeping him from doing this, not just laziness. Although he knows he has a chauffeur on call 24/7—you. Don’t try to talk to him anymore about it. Take one little action. Stop being the chauffeur. Don’t even discuss the subject again. Just don’t drive him anymore, don’t explain anything. I bet he will begin lessons within the next two weeks.

mindutopia · 19/12/2017 15:46

I think I would stop driving him everywhere. Really, it's not fair to you that he won't learn to drive and share some of the burden with you, particularly as you're about to add the strain of a baby into the mix.

I had to re-learn to drive as an adult. I did learn to drive as a teenager in another country, but then didn't drive for probably a decade (living in major global city with excellent public transport and no parking, so never needed to). I moved to the UK when I got married and initially my dh had to drive me everywhere as there's a period initially when visaholders are banned from even trying to get a UK license until they've been resident for a period of time. Then I had to take lessons and re-learn to drive in the UK. It's a lot to ask of a partner to shuttle you around everywhere and my dh had to make lots of sacrifices to be around to drive me places (no public transport around here). Especially when kids come along, unless you live in an urban area with good transport links, it's going to only increase the burden on you, which I don't think is fair, when likely you'll be doing the bulk of the parenting too.

I would just start refusing to drive him places and hopefully that will light the fire under him. I expect he's probably a bit embarrassed and found it harder than he thought it would be and is avoiding it now. I'll admit it was difficult to do it as an adult (I was 30 at the time) and frustrating at times, but having 2 drivers in the family again has made life so much easier.

CaptainChristmas · 19/12/2017 15:47

Why on earth would you cancel your night out to act as taxi driver Confused? Nip this crapola in the bud asap op.

fruitbrewhaha · 19/12/2017 15:47

I dont think YABU at all.
It's like him saying he will never learn to cook and eating all the food you prepare, you ask him to please learn so he can make dinner, and he gets all defensive, but then eats what you cook.
He's BU by not learning and by getting all shirty when you ask him sort it out.

I imagine it's a fear of failure. For the last 15 years he's been thinking he would one day learn to drive, and subconsciously he is thinking 'what if he can't do it, and fails?' Something that everyone he knows can do. He's been building it up in his head. At the moment he can tell himself he can probably drive it he tried, he just hasn't tried yet.

Is he like that about anything else? Or does he normally throw himself into stuff?

Lashalicious · 19/12/2017 15:47

He is manipulating you, op! This last is to punish you for bringing up the driving again. Take control of this situation. You can do it.

Roussette · 19/12/2017 15:48

I take him to work as we work around the corner from each other, and I take us to the shops

I honestly would get a job in the other direction. Bet you that'll make him learn to drive.

MadisonAvenue · 19/12/2017 15:50

Is it that easy to get a test where you are? I booked my son's practical last week and the earliest date available in our area was the end of March. Has he already passed his theory test?

boredofmyoldname · 19/12/2017 15:50

If he's expecting you to ferry him around to work and the shops then yes, you've every right to be pissed off.

Original poster
TeaAndToast85 · 19/12/2017 15:51

@CaptainChristmas because I didn't like the idea of him waiting in the cold and dark for an unreliable bus that takes hours. I know that I'm a soppy git and I am making it a lot easier for him to keep putting it off Sad

OP posts:
Shadowboy · 19/12/2017 15:51

I totally get why you’d want him to learn. I’d really hate to be in a relationship where the onus was in me to get everyone to places - and when kiddo is older you’ll be the only ‘taxi’ available.

KimchiLaLa · 19/12/2017 15:54

Wow, can't believe the amount of people saying OP's DH is right. Ffs, why should she drive him around everywhere?

I met my DH when I couldn't drive at 28 and even that was too late in my eyes. I had been lazy and I'll admit a little scared. I didn't want to burden him for the rest of our lives or have a terrible time ferrying around our baby (I can't imagine getting to everywhere I wanted to go without a car) so learnt. It was expensive and time consuming but much better in the long run for us all.

givemesteel · 19/12/2017 15:54

bored I think it's one thing to admit you don't want to learn to drive upfront in a relationship, and you obviously have legitimate reasons not to.

But that is not the same as some of who has strung someone along saying they'll learn and then not with no good reason.

But it's not unreasonable to not be with someone who can't drive because of the responsibility it places on you, like earning a lot more than a partner, or being the only one with a good credit rating. That might be ok with some people but not others.

Obviously people live without cars / driving but you may not want to or live in a place that's realistic.

PumpkinSquash · 19/12/2017 15:54

YABU. Not everyone wants to learn to drive. I'm older than he is and can't either.
I've taken lessons in the past, but it's not for me. Believe me, you're all safer with me as a passenger instead of as a driver. Grin
Nothing to do with "being lazy" as some lovely person on the thread put it. Hmm
Each to their own.

Hogtini · 19/12/2017 15:54

I can see his POV as I hadn't been interested in driving (haven't needed to) and I'm 32. However, now DP and I are talking about starting a family I've decided to learn. I don't enjoy every minute and it is very hard but I want to do it and I can see the benefits will be invaluable to my/our life.
Your DH needs to stop leading you on with all this 'I have a plan' nonsense and either do it or not.

gamerchick · 19/12/2017 15:55

He’s booked his test? He’s already passed his theory then?

I think he may be feeding you a line there unless he’s been doing it all on the hush.

trolleyknockers · 19/12/2017 15:55

Iv just passed my test aged 40 with 2 kids , they are reason I did it , so I can take them to more places ... has he done his theory test ? Because you can't sit a practical test until you have done that ....

Original poster
TeaAndToast85 · 19/12/2017 15:56

@fruitbrewhaha I think fear of failure does come into it, yeah. But the majority of the problem is that he has always been very laid back and very last minute about stuff. Eg. Before I started handling the Christmas shopping he used to just run around John Lewis on the 24th, frantically buying a load of over priced crap. Doing things in advance just isn't one of his strong points 😑

OP posts:
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