Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

I would be so cross and disappointed, too, OP. Unless there's a medical reason, he should follow through on his repeated promises to get his driving license.

It's so unfair to dump all the driving on you for no good reason. It's exhausting.

Tell him how much taxis will cost if you have an emergency c-section and can't drive for 8 weeks.

Re not wanting to be driven by an inexperienced driver; I started learning over a year ago, passed in June and I still wouldn’t want me to drive me to hospital in a my-first-baby-is-on-its-way panic!

Tbh I was like your husband. In the end the husband booked my lessons for me and once I started I made myself go through with it just to stop the nagging.

I passed first time but I’m not a fan of driving and will wriggle out of it if I can even though I can do it quite well. If it’s just embarrassment of learner cars he’ll get over himself a few lessons in probably.

My DP passed his test this week age 35. First time and 5 minors. He's already a better driver than me as I'm a nervous wreck. I wouldn't force him to do it as he may be nervous , but mine was just lazy. He got fed up of me not being able to take him to his football practice. I wouldn't go hard on him about it but I withdraw stress that if he learns it's advantageous to everyone including himself.

I understand this, my husband is currently learning to drive, although throughout my pregnancy he didn't want to at all, and I ended up driving myself back home 24 hours after labour (that was a fun 5 miles I can tell you).

Now our son is almost 2 it's even worse as it means I have to do pretty much all the fetching, carrying, shopping etc (we're fairly rural). I'm really pleased he's learning now but to be honest it used to make me pissed. Husband admitted to me he was scared, but now having lessons I think he feels a bit better. Perhaps it could be the same with your partner.

Fingers crossed he starts to learn. I do think it can sometimes be an excuse to be lazy IMHE.

A very nervous or anxious driver can be very dangerous. Would you wants new and probably anxious driver driving you and your baby about!

I can't believe you're getting such a hard time.

He needs to get this sorted. Who wants to be this driver all the time. Selfish and lazy op.

It is strange that he won’t learn to drive as you say he is definitely not scared or anything. You have to do all the driving? Very odd, especially since you say you live fairly rurally and so driving is necessary for day to day life and public transport is not the usual option.

I learned to drive when I was 15, got learner’s permit (meaning an adult had to ride with me in parent’s car), also worked since 15 after school and saved my money. At 16 I got my license and bought my first car on installment plan with my saved up down payment. My parents paid my car insurance for a few years. I drove myself to high school my junior and senior year and drove everywhere. It meant freedom and independence to me. Have noticed my nephews didn’t care about learning to drive, I see that as strange! My dh and I gave one of our nephews my dh’s old car just so he could have something to drive to college when he decided to go at age 25—and we had to teach him to drive it!! I just think that’s bizarre. We live in a medium sized town where it is crucial to have a car. I can understand if there are buses and trains etc. We do have a bus system but it is not used by many people and is not convenient.

I think it’s selfish of him to not drive and make you do all of it. That is ridiculous. I wouldn’t drive him anywhere from now on. That will light a fire under him. You are busy with carrying his child and trying to plan things on top of everything else, it’s not an inconsequential thing to be pregnant; There’s a lot going on for you, he can at least learn to drive.

You seem to be getting a lot of flack here undeservedly OP. I would find it a real turn off to be with someone that doesn't drive. It is horrible to always have that responsibility as its not just the physical driving, the driver usually has to be the one that always route plans, works out how long to allow for a journey, where to park etc.

Think people like bored are projecting, as they obviously have anxiety issues about driving. Your dh just sounds lazy.

Definitely book the driving lessons for Christmas. Can you enrol friends and family to see how necessary it is to get this done now?

I was like your husband (a bit). In fairness, I did attempt to learn after DC1 was born, but failed my test and lost heart. DH was forever on my case about it, and after DC2 was born I decided for myself that I absolutely HAD to get it done - and I did.

My reasons for not driving initially were being an inner-city London girl who had never needed to drive. Then I was a passenger in a serious car accident in my 20s and so was very nervous about driving. I faced my fears and got over it, though, so really your DH should be asking himself why he is so reluctant?

I don't think a newly qualified driver is best placed to take someone in labour to hospital anyway, to be honest, so I'd have a good cab service lined up. But I feel your frustrations.

Get a taxi to hospital and forget about the whole driving you in thing. It took me ages to pass my test- 18 weeks is unrealistic unless he takes to it like a duck to water.

He should get this sorted but speaking as someone whose DP tried to berate them into learning to drive, it needs to be his idea. It just won't work otherwise and he probably won't pass if the main reason he is doing it is because you lost your shit at him. I passed when I learnt on my terms because I wanted to be a driver. It sucks for you, but it has to come from him I'm afraid.

pastabake said it perfectly. Op’s “dh has the luxury of a taxi driver, you, and he’s comfortable.” This. He needs a figurative kick in the behind.

YANBU. Unless has a fear of driving he should step up and learn. I didn't learn until 37, only did when pregnant. What forced me to learn was thinking about when the baby was born and there was an emergency and I needed to get to the hospital etc. I learnt for my child....could you try that with him.

Take away your dh’s chauffeur, op, and see what happens.

These threads are also so weird. So many of you seem genuinely affronted by an adult who can't drive. Are you like this about any other skills?

You can't control what someone else does - but you can control what you do. How about you take a week off driving, to practice for if you are too pg to be comfortable behind the wheel or you can't drive following a C-section. Would give you both the chance to get a glimpse of how much you need a second driver in the family, without being as bad as if you actually had to be ferrying a newborn around.

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I know what some of you mean about how from one perspective what I am doing seems quite controlling. I just sent him the longest WhatsApp in the world explaining that if he didn't book the lessons today then I would prefer to get a taxi because I don't want our newborn daughter to be driven by someone who has only just passed their test. I told him that he was perfectly entitled to not learn to drive, but if that is the case he should be upfront about it.

He called and said that apparently he has booked a test for the end of Jan, but hasn't actually booked any lessons yet I asked him to book the lessons, and l he got a bit shirty about it, said he would call me back and hung up. I absolutely hate arguing with him, and now feel completely shit.

Stop driving when he is around insist you don't feel like it insist on taxi or public transport when you are with him. Every time you drive him someone you enable him to not drive you.

I don't know what to suggest OP. This was me too. I got a taxi to hospital in labour. It was a fairly long journey and I felt vulnerable and exposed. Is there a family member/ friend who could take you?

That baby is now 7 and guess what? Still no driving. It still angers me. When our eldest was a baby there were medical issues necessitating repeated nighttime drives to hospital and it was always me that had to do them regardless of how much sleep I'd had. I even drove in pain after surgery with him in the passenger seat.

I resent being the only functioning adult in the relationship and it has had knock on effects in our relationship.

To those that are saying he might be anxious. Of course he's anxious. All of us that drive were once anxious about it. We pushed through and got on with it. I suffer from anxiety (medicated) so am not trivialising it.

But it isn't a skill like being able to do Excel, or being able to paint beautiful pictures or write poetry... it is a life skill that severely impacts on your life - but more importantly on others lives - if you decide you just don't want to do it. As opposed to can't. I suppose I could learn to paint but not being able to won't affect anybody. Not driving will.

Yes. You can get yo Hospital by taxi. But. ..

What about in 5 / 10 / 15 years when your D (s) need ferrying to after school clubs, parties, sports events?

What about family holidays?

Your frustration is going to grow OP unless DH shares the burden with you .

Stop driving him everywhere
This! Where's the incentive to learn when you can offload the responsibility, inconvenience and expense of driving onto someone else?!

He’s booked a test for the end of January but not lessons..? He sounds um... confident!

Could it be that he’s been secretly having lessons and wants to surprise you? Only thing I can think of!

Driving is a chore and he is happy to leave it entirely to you. He sounds lazy and selfish to me.