Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

You can get a taxi. If you feel like you’re going to push, call an ambulance..

Unless it severely impacts you’re everyday life, you are being unreasonable.

You should express your concerns in a more peaceful way and ask him if he has any worries or concerns which are holding him back.

@paxillin not hugely rural but definitely out of the way, public transport can be a real pain.

@boredofmyoldname I do resent it a bit, I'm afraid, because from day 1 it has always been 'dont worry, I will learn soon and then you won't have to do all this driving'. I don't love driving, it took my 7 attempts to pass my test because of nervousness (I'm pretty good now though because of all the practice!) obv your DP doesnt mind, but I am entitled to feel differently.

neither my ds OR I could drive when I gave birth. Dh still doesn't drive (although he has a licence) and I have managed to learn, but I still hate driving.

I know numerous couples where only one person drives. It keeps you fit, and teaches kids to manage on public transport. And you will only ever need ONE car once both people drive there is often a bit of competition or back seat driving.

@Trb17 @NoSquirrels I hadn't even considered the c-section thing

dh I mean not ds.

Dh learnt when he was 18. He is now 55. He hates driving.

I know that he really wants to drive, but he just keeps procrastinating

Hmm, if he really wanted to drive he'd probably have stopped procrastinating.

I'm 36. I can't drive. I constantly say I'm going to learn. I never do. That is because although I know society thinks I should drive, I don't actually want to. It terrifies me. Not driving is not the huge inconvenience people seem to think- and no, I do not ask for or expect lifts from others, I use public transport or taxis or walk. I'm under extreme pressure from people atm to start lessons so I have sent off for a new provisional and made enquiries about lessons, but I don't, really, want to do it.

Tbh if you are so fixated on him learning to drive, to the extent that you would find it humiliating not to be driven to hospital by him when you go into labour, even if he doesn't want to learn he probably doesn't feel able to tell you!

I got a cab to hospital in labour. I don't think your DH will be humiliated - he would be learning otherwise! You shouldn't be worrying about this.

And maybe see how he goes with theory before you waste money buying lessons.

We now have two DC and both of us are learning now as it is beneficial for us as a family.

Just say - you do realise if I end up having a c section I am not allowed to drive for 8 weeks don't you....

Also you wont be able to drive yourself to the hospital - it just wont work

@glow1984 I have done the peaceful thing, it's only in the last week that I've started to lose patience a bit. I asked what was holding him back and he said he didn't really know .... he did mention that he thought he would feel like a bit of an arse in a learners car in his mid 30s, but then seemed to get over that a bit. I think he is basically a bit embarrassed that he has left it so long, and is burying his head in the sand.

If course he should learn to drive. It just puts pressure on the other person if only one partner drives.

My DH didn't manage it until he was 25. I got fed up if his "I don't need to" (I was driving him) "I am nervous" (ffs) and "I walk to work". I booked him a block of 10 lessons and surprised him in front of everyone so he had no choice. It took him a year to get to taking his test and passing but he did it. 7 years later he drives to work and was able to bring DD and I home from hospital.

The "I don't want to go" rubbish and stuff every saturday grated but he had paid up in advance (joint acct) so was forced to.

The surprise booking would only work if you had a joint account. He sounds like he would either ignore the present or waste your money by not going. Got to be his or family money.

I had a C section and couldn't drive for several weeks...except of course I couldn't drive anyway Honestly, the C section reason is not the end of the world..people do manage to get from A to B with small children without driving. Yes, sometimes it takes longer, Yes you sometimes have to use expensive taxis. But it is still possible, especially if you don't live in a rural area.

I'm wondering whether you should move to a rural area so that your dh is force to drive. My dh definitely would bother if we left the convenience of TfL.

To give you some perspective OP, I would absolutely love to drive. It would make my social/personal life easier and better and would also benefit my business.
However it is perhaps the only thing in the world I am absolutely shit scared of. Everytime someone asks why I don't drive, I make up an excuse more or less to do with laziness.
I'm not saying it's the right approach, but maybe your DP is too embarrassed to admit he just doesn't feel comfortable behind the wheel/in charge of a vehicle.

Funny how you still decided to have a child with him.

It's too late now in terms of the hospital, driving a DW to hospital in labour is scary enough for an experienced driver. I would not want an inexperienced driver to be taking me that's for sure. Ring round taxi firms now to find out which ones are able and willing to take you.

So far as DH learning to drive, if he knows the basics then it's not about lessons. It's about practise and you're the one who must do that with him. I'd be refusing to drive round town and making him do it every single time. The only thing he can't do as a learner is motorways.

Stick him on your car insurance and he can do all the driving from now on.

I only got my licence a few months ago when dc1 was 2 and a half !

DH drives and never especially wanted me to learn, so he did drive us to hospital. It sounds as if you’re getting wound up and I really wouldn’t panic about the drive to hospital. Either ask someone else to be on hand to drive you, or if worst comes to worst a taxi / ambulance if you have an unexpectedly quick labour! It really isn’t the end of the world if he can’t drive you to hospital. As long as you get there, what does it matter?

@sinceyouask I would not find it humiliating at all...I just have a strong feeling that he would, and would feel like he has let me down. I imagine that I won't give a flying wotsit how I get there when the time comes, but I am starting to get annoyed with the constant promises and procrastination.

If you hate driving him around though, I’d definitely be nipping that in the bud!

YANBU.

He needs to get his act together & learn to drive.

What are you gonna do, drive him around for the rest of his life? School runs, supermarket etc etc ad nauseum will be up to you? All the time?

Fuck that.

Plenty of people manage without driving, being a bitch about it will just make him dig his heels in. Not everyone wants to do it.

Whilst relying on friends and partners to ferry them everywhere! If able, you should drive.

Book him a week's leave and do an intensive course?

How controlling can you get!

It is up to him if he wants to drive or not.

Is he nervous or afraid for some reason?

This would drive me nuta. Yup I’d book him lessons and buy him the road test theory book/dvd/online resource so he was already sorting that out.

My DH is the same and tbh I gave up a few years ago. He told me he wanted to learn and took some lessons but his heart really wasn't in it.

When I gave birth we had a taxi to the hospital, made the drivers day. I very much doubt you would want a new driver worried about the birth in charge of getting you there anyway.

It’s up to him if he wants to drive or not fair enough if he isn’t relying on OP to drive him everywhere but he is.

You wouldn’t say that if for example he didn’t fancy getting a job so just lived off OP instead. He’s not transporting her around anywhere, it’s all one sided.