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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please learn to drive before I go insane

456 replies

TeaAndToast85 · 19/12/2017 14:42

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage? Grin

OP posts:
Ceebs85 · 21/12/2017 08:24

I don't understand why this is something you would scream at him about.

YABU. He clearly doesn't want to do it or he would have done it already. 6 years is extreme procrastinating!

BadFeminist · 21/12/2017 08:34

Some of the replies in this thread are baffling, insanely baffling.

Book the lessons for him. If you've got to the stage where it's concerning you about the baby and after (rightly so) then have the instructor pick him up from work and the lesson can be his lift home.

I understand your concerns completely, I couldn't drive with DS and it was crippling, with DD it was a section so even though I had learned to drive I couldn't and go be honest some days after 4 nights of zero sleep (whoever said you die after 4 days no sleep didn't have kids) I wouldn't have been safe or particularly able to run to the shops to buy something I'd inevitably left behind.

JessieMcJessie · 21/12/2017 08:37

I don’t think the OP is coming back.

LemonShark · 21/12/2017 08:38

It seems to me that people who are steadfastly anti car are as privileged as they accuse car owners of being. It's lovely if you live in an area where everyone can get reliable affordable public transport to anywhere you need to be, or can afford taxis and can hail them down at a moments notice! A car for many people isn't a lovely privileged indulgence, it's an actual necessity.

manicmij · 21/12/2017 08:43

When the baby arrives your not going to be able to just drop everything and drive DH around. He may well realise then it would be useful if he did drive. There may well be a very deep seated reason why he has never learned. Had he always had someone to drive him, has he lived near good public transport? Moaning at him about it won't fix it, he needs to want to learn. Stop worrying about getting to hospital folk have managed without cars for years. No taxis in your area?

Lizzie48 · 21/12/2017 09:00

Those who live in a city with good public transport links just don't get how impossible it is to get around without a car in a rural location, where there are only a few buses a day. So banging on about pollution is kind of pointless where the OP is concerned.

Obviously, there should be more investment in good public transport networks, but that's a different thread.

Beerwench · 21/12/2017 09:01

Reading this thread, and some of the attitudes towards both drivers and non drivers is disheartening.
Though as a non driver those comments such as 'it's an essential life skill' and 'there's no excuse' and 'everyone is scared you just have to deal with it' sting the most. I wonder how many of the more judgemental posters would maintain their stance on this if for example, I were to by some miracle, pass my test and obtain a car. Then through my sheer lack of coordination and skill, hit their car. If I then used as a 'defence' - "Well I know I'm a shit driver, it's took me 5 attempts and thousands in lessons, I know I don't have the skills required but hey ho it's an essential life skill apparently and I was just being lazy and entitled to not do it"
I can't see many people being happy with that and quite possibly (and rightly so!) Tell me I shouldn't be on the roads!

CaptainChristmas · 21/12/2017 09:05

A car for many people isn't a lovely privileged indulgence, it's an actual necessity.

I don’t think there’s anything lovely about owning a car. It’s a disgusting fact that because of rubbish public transport services, people who live rurally feel they have to drive.

An enormous percentage of people in the country live in urban or suburban locations though, (set to be over 90% in cities by 2030), and yet, most people still drive a car. Do you think all these people on here, claiming that not driving is some huge character flaw ALL live rurally? Properly rurally? I don’t.

The op lives rurally, so I get why it’s frustrating for her. Why didn’t her OH say from the beginning that he didn’t want to drive and then they might have chosen to live somewhere you can get by without a car?

I live in a rural town and most of my neighbours drive everywhere. The centre of town is a 15 minute walk from here, or a 10 minute drive, due to one way system. People who insist on driving that every time they go into town just baffle me.

Maireadplastic · 21/12/2017 09:23

Lemon and Lizzie.
Those of us who don't need to drive due to where we live have acknowledged that we're lucky. I can drive, as can my husband, but we don't need to own a car.

Lizzie48 · 21/12/2017 09:35

There is work being done to introduce electric cars, that will make a big difference to pollution levels. The sooner the better.

LemonShark · 21/12/2017 09:38

Maireadplastic That's great! I genuinely can understand when people don't need a car, not owning one. Makes perfect sense. If I lived in central London I doubt I'd have a car. My point earlier is that even if your current circumstances mean you don't need a car, it's essential still to have your license and be able to drive. Then if circumstances change and you do need to drive, you can do it. Better to learn at your leisure when there's less pressure of losing a job offer if you don't pass first time. I think it's foolish for someone to be in a position where they don't need a car and to think fine then, I won't get my license. As circumstances change. I can imagine if being pretty cool in your position where you genuinely don't need a car.

Beerwench, people have accidents every day, even good and confident and experienced drivers. My view would be if you were passed by an instructor during a test, you deserve to be on the roads. I certainly wouldn't say that as you took a while to pass you shouldn't be on the roads! Driving is hard for a lot of people. Hell, it took me two years and three tests to pass and I'm a great driver now, did it for a living for a few years. I'd have respect that you stuck it out and didn't quit when it was difficult and eventually passed! Accidents are a fact of driving and all drivers are well aware of that sadly. But if you're an unconfident driver practice makes perfect, not giving up :)

The drivers I do think should be reassessed are the very elderly ones who, due to no fault of their own, drive about 20mph below the speed limit, break too late or incredibly unecessarily early, hesitate at every junction etc. Which is probably down to slower reaction times, poorer vision etc. I support mandatory re testing above a certain age.

Everyone lacks co ordination and skill when they first start driving, that is one of the points of lessons!

However I do understand people who try their best to pass, give it their absolute best shot for a few years and eventually decide, after experiencing it, it's not for them. As long as their decision to do that isn't negatively impacting others like the OP's husband is. If it's just you it affects then fair enough. If not, pull yourself together, get some lessons and get on with it.

Beerwench · 21/12/2017 09:56

pull yourself together, get some lessons and get on with it

Obviously. Why didn't I think of that? I could have saved thousands on lessons, saved hours and hours of my time and various instructors and the problems that lead me to find driving incredibly difficult would have just vanished miraculously!

I have owned a car in an effort to get more practice. It didn't work, those who could sit with me eventually all bowed out. It's not a case of being a bit scared or frightened of an accident - I have been there, tried it repeatedly and I don't get any better with some manoeuvres no matter how long or hard I practice or how much I spend. How long do I keep throwing time and money at something to keep failing on the same things?

KennDodd · 21/12/2017 10:04

@MrsKoala

Do you have a cleaner? What did your husband do before he met you? What about his clothes, did somebody wash them for him? Cooking, washing up? Does he do any of that? I can't believe somebody does no chores whatsoever. Maybe you're very, very rich, billionaire type rich and so you have a whole team of people do stuff for you? I would have if I was super rich.

GabsAlot · 21/12/2017 10:36

id rathr someone not drive because someone pushed thm into it and theyre so anxious thyd prob crash-it ridiculous

MrsKoala · 21/12/2017 10:44

I do agree it's best to start young. But it really is so expensive. By the time i could afford to learn properly i was 38. My parents bought me 6 lessons for xmas and 6 lessons for my 18th birthday (as they are close together) and they expected that to be enough for me to pass. Imagine all of our surprise when at the 12th lesson i still couldn't remember what pedal did what! Lessons were £25 per hour and i was in FT education. I only earned that per week at my Saturday job. I kept on with one lesson per week for 4 months and was still useless. My Dad was pissed off that they'd wasted their money but told me in no uncertain terms i was not allowed anywhere near his car to practice in.

Kenn - I wish we were rich like that! No. We don't have a cleaner at the moment. We have done at various points when the babies were born but not ongoing. He didn't do any chores before he met me either. He ate out. He had his clothes washed by someone else (or not at all!!). He made it clear he wouldn't be doing any of that and he had made a conscious decision not to. Just like people who don't drive and don't want to i suppose. It's then up to others to decide what they want to do about it.

Original poster
TeaAndToast85 · 21/12/2017 11:55

Wow, people have done pretty strong opinions on this issue! I just wanted to let you know that all the texts I sent him the other day (and informing him that if I have a c section we could be stuck at home/relying on others for weeks) appear to have given him a bit of a kick up the bum, FINALLY. He has booked a block of 10 lessons in early Jan. Also, we are getting some L plates and putting him on the insurance, because I've told him I do t want to be his chauffeur any longer. Thanks for the advice everyone x

OP posts:
CaptainChristmas · 21/12/2017 11:58

Hurray! Great update @op.

And people have strong opinions on many things on here Grin. It’s why I love it!

Roussette · 21/12/2017 12:43

That's great news Tea, keep the momentum up with lots of practice!

LemonShark · 21/12/2017 13:58

Beerwench, I did say "However I do understand people who try their best to pass, give it their absolute best shot for a few years and eventually decide, after experiencing it, it's not for them. As long as their decision to do that isn't negatively impacting others like the OP's husband is. If it's just you it affects then fair enough. If not, pull yourself together, get some lessons and get on with it.", you sound a lot more reasonable than OP's husband given you actually did try really hard to pass! However, does your not driving have a negative impact on anyone else?

To be fair I have my opinions on the issue (as do many others) but beyond that i don't really care what people do in their personal lives if if works for them. Clearly this wasn't working for OP hence coming here.

Am thrilled for your update OP, well done for sticking up for your needs and to your husband for getting his act together! I only went a year or two with my ex not driving and you won't believe how lovely and liberating it is to finally be able to be driven places, it's fantastic. You'll appreciate it so much having gone without for so long!

KennDodd · 21/12/2017 15:14

He made it clear he wouldn't be doing any of that and he had made a conscious decision not to.

Do'y know what, good for him! I know I should be all feminist and outraged but I hate cleaning and wish I could be like that and just refuse to do any. The only thing I think is that he should pay somebody to do his share and not expect you to just do his stuff. I don't think I'd be washing his clothes for him. Does he do an equal share (or anything) with the childcare?

KennDodd · 21/12/2017 15:16

Keep us posted OP in how it goes and if he passes his test.

happypoobum · 21/12/2017 15:23

Make sure he follows through OP. It really will be a total nuisance if you have a c section.

If he flakes out again I would refuse to drive him anywhere.

Only1scoop · 21/12/2017 15:34

Result!!

About time

Well done Op

BadFeminist · 21/12/2017 16:07

!!). He made it clear he wouldn't be doing any of that and he had made a conscious decision not to.

LOL. I refuse to iron. Ever.

Fuck. That.

Only1scoop · 21/12/2017 16:12

And me Grin

Never iron

Wouldn't have a clue how to do a 'work shirt' either

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