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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well

OP posts:

knockknockknock · 14/12/2017 16:47

It's 2017 - why don't you ask him instead??

Tobuyornot99 · 14/12/2017 16:47

Either propose to him or make a cut off pointment to end the relationship if it's that important surely?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/12/2017 16:48

I would take this birthday (and its lack of proposal) as a bit of a wake up call really.

Perhaps say to him that you can see he's not that into you, so you're going to set him free.

twiney · 14/12/2017 16:48

Why are you trying to pressure a man who doesnt want to marry you into marrying you?

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 14/12/2017 16:49

Tell friend and family to keep their noses out of your private business?

LaurieFairyCake · 14/12/2017 16:49

Perhaps it's because you HAVE 'hung around long term' at 5.5 yrs ....

PinkHeart5914 · 14/12/2017 16:49

Woman up and ask him? It’s allowed these days you know.

Why sit with a cats bum face if you don’t get a ring, when you could just ask?

Why are women still sitting around waiting to be asked? Just why

happypoobum · 14/12/2017 16:49

I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

And yet here you still are, a year later.......

PrincessoftheSea · 14/12/2017 16:50

Do people still propose like this?DH and I just talked about it and then got married. We were never engaged either. Sounds very Jane Austen to me.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 14/12/2017 16:51

It doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you to be honest.

pallisers · 14/12/2017 16:52

Ask him straight out. Does he want to marry you or not? Yes or no. Up or down vote. Don't take any of this "I might be coming around to it" or "I want to propose in my own time". It isn't about a proposal or a ring it is whether he wants to marry you or not, is he committed to you or not. If he doesn't then you are better knowing and making your own decision accordingly. If he has a philosophical objection to marriage as an institution then at least sit down and discuss it.

And tell your family and friends to stop annoying you and asking you questions about your relationship.

Copperkettles · 14/12/2017 16:52

I would be making plans to leave if I were you. Hopefully you've had some good times and learnt a lot about yourself with him but time to stretch your wings, have some time solo and get on with meeting Mr Right.

Life is too short.

And I can well imagineit's making it harder having friends make those comments. They're only excited for you I'm sure but it's a bit thoughtless.

Yahdayah · 14/12/2017 16:52

A friend of mine gave her boyfriend an ultimatum, it either happened by X date or she would be leaving. It all felt a little pressured to me but the guy was so laid back it might never of happened if not.

If it doesn’t happen over the Christmas break maybe you could have another chat in January?

I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas

Original poster

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:53

Because I don’t want to ask. I’m traditional (I don’t care that it is 2017 to be honest) and would quite like to be proposed TO.

Also, because he hasn’t always been keen on the idea, I wouldn’t be confident about asking him because I wouldn’t be confident about him saying yes!

I appreciate then I can’t really moan, but this thread was really just a vent after receiving a text from a friend today asking whether I think a ring will be on the cards this year. It was my Mum earlier on in the week. I’m just fed up of it really.

OP posts:

DivisionBelle · 14/12/2017 16:54

Why are all your friends and relations carrying on like this? Have you gone on to them about it?

Tell them to butt out and back off.

You are a 30 year old woman, not a teenage fairytale princess. Decide what is genuinely important to you, Talk to him seriously about your joint plans and needs. Make s decision accordingly.

It is ridiculous to ‘dread’ a Christmas present from your partner. And hang your happiness on how you think he should behave.

Just talk to him. It’s 2017. Make a mutual decision then either buy each other a ring or ditch him. (If that is your bottom line on non marriage)

Smeaton · 14/12/2017 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iloveanimals · 14/12/2017 16:54

If a man doesn't want to marry you don't make him or guilt trip him into feeling he has to. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's difficult, but I don't see it getting any better.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/12/2017 16:54

Why would you want to pressure someone into marriage? If they wanted it, they would have done it.

It's 2017, ask him and if he says no you can move on. Far better than waiting for a ring that may never happen or appears just to appease you.

Misstomrs · 14/12/2017 16:55

Oh OP I’m so sorry. You may be wrong and he may surprise you. But if not, if you know in your heart that you won’t get one then you need to seriously consider whether you want to stay with him.
I was in a very similar position and 4 years later am with a lovely man who proposed to me on my birthday on a surprise trip to America. We are married and have a gorgeous DS.
It is really hard, especially when you are so invested, but you must do what’s right for you.

DivisionBelle · 14/12/2017 16:55

Does he KNOW you harbour this whole trad thing and want to be proposed to?

Marriage, an actual marriage, is so much more than the mechanics of a proposal.

Longdistance · 14/12/2017 16:56

Play devils advocate. Have a time frame in mind. Don’t tell him, keep it in your head. If he hasn’t popped the question by then, there’s no point tbh, call it a day, and find someone that wants the same as you.
Having it dragged out must be tiresome. Especially if you want dc in the near future.

IfNot · 14/12/2017 16:56

Why would you plan to stay with a man who doesn't want what you want? 30 is a good age to reassess.

twiney · 14/12/2017 16:56

You, your friends and your mum all sound a bit princessy tbh.

I have no idea why so many women get excited about being proposed to by men who arent 100% on board.

So even if he proposes, you're going to be like "yay! After 5 years of guilt tripping and heavy hinting a man who doesnt want to marry me has finally given in out of pressure! This is so exciting!"

Just find someone who actually wants to marry you.

ethelfleda · 14/12/2017 16:57

I can understand why you're annoyed with your friends and family. They need to be a lot more tactful than that!!
I hope you get what you want this year, OP

Trb17 · 14/12/2017 16:57

Firstly, reply to anyone who asks with a simple, “please don’t ask that as it’s not something I want to talk about”. If they take offence tough shit.

Secondly - talk to him. If he’s never going to propose you need to accept it and move on.

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