To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

[CalifornianSummef]

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well

Totally agree expat. I was the one who wanted a baby. The onus was on me to take control. There was a sunk costs fallacy there i suppose. I thought i'd already been with him so long i shoulf just give it one more year. When i look back i realise how obvious it was but i just didn't want to see it. If i'd left at 30 i would have been in a better position. But at 32 i very much felt i was running out of time.

sorry

I met my first husband in the September and we bought a house in April and married in the August!
What was the rush?
30 years later it took us longer to divorce!
Two years!

If it’s important to you and 5.5 years down the line it’s still not happening then you need to ask just how important.

Have you thought about why you think you actually have to get married? I've been with my partner nearly 13 years. We're not married and have no intention of doing so. Maybe there are deeper issues here than just the proposal?

Totally get how you feel OP. I'm desperate for my DP to propose, there's a present for me under the tree that's the right size and feel for a ring... but I know it's not as we're doing separate Christmases this year as he's working nights and I know a 'long distance' proposal wouldn't be his style :(

I'm so sorry OP. AS a PP said, if he wanted to get married you two would be married. The fact you are so matter of fact about it suggests he's not the one for you either.

I haven't RTFT.

OP, why do you want to marry him? Do you really love him and want to marry him specifically, or do you just want to get married? Why is marriage so important to you? Is there an element of "sunk costs" here? Are you worried that now you're past 30 time is running out for you to start again with someone else? Do you want kids? Does he?

These are all questions you need to ask yourself.

Personally I think people place too much importance on weddings. The more important questions are (1) do you want kids? and (2) do the two of you want the same things out of life?

If you want kids then yes, there is a timing issue. Right now you're 30 which means that if it isn't going to work out with this guy you have time to leave and start again with someone else who wants the same things you do. Wait another five years (or even another two) and it's going to be that much more difficult.

Do you know why he doesn't want to get married? Would he feel differently if you eloped and avoided a big fancy wedding?

You both need to do some soul searching and talk about where this relationship is going. Stop waiting around for him to propose, because that's just playing a passive role in your own life and waiting for someone else to write your story for you.

Good luck.

LegallyBrunet can I ask how old you both are and how long you've been together?

Doing separate Christmases suggests the relationship is quite new but you want to marry so that suggests it is not. I also wonder about kids, do you have them, do you want them?

I think LoveinTokyo has great advice to explore what is important and not be passive. Marriage is no guarantee of kids or longevity but I do think if you want it and he Doesn't then one of you will compromise your priorities.

The male partner could avoid marriage, marry early, marry late, and marry but then divorce later. He could put off having kids until he is 50, 60 or even older and marry a younger partner in 10 or 20 years, then have his own generic child. You too could do all that except the last bit. Women's biology means it's really hard to have babies later. I know.

We married late, 36, had a child (at 39) and then had years of fertility treatment. We adopted and I could not be happier but I think women who want to have at least one biological child need to be aware it really does get harder

For every woman popping out a baby post 40 there are lots who really struggle to do this. So take charge of your fertility in your 20s and 30s if that is what you want.

How was it op?

I met my dh at uni. We were together for 7 years when he proposed. We got married 6 months later abroad at aged 29.

A 5.5 year relationship isn't that long and I don't think it's the best idea to be railroading you partner into getting married. I imagine the pressure will make him run the opposite way!

I knew my dh wanted to get married after we bought a house. I accepted this and he kept to his word. He proposed 3 months after moving in.

Any update OP? Di you talk to him about it?