To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

[CalifornianSummef]

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well

I never used to be that fussed about marriage either, he used to be keener than me believe it or not! But that changed about 2.5 years ago when I sat him down and told him I’d changed my mind and would like to get married at some point in the future. He said he thought he was coming around more to the idea too. Then, about a year ago I brought it up with him again or it came into conversation I can’t remember which and he said ‘Yes, I’m coming round to the idea of marriage now but we couldn’t afford a wedding at the moment anyway.’ And that was the last I’ve heard of it and that was a year ago.

Since then, he’s been given a promotion and now earns an extra £40k a year so money definitely isn’t tight, though obviously with my job situation being precarious things might be a little tighter for a while but we definitely wouldn’t be on the breadline and could still save each month etc.

Don't ask him if there's no ring. frankly he knows you want t be married, he knows you want to be proposed to, he's enjoying being able to hold off the conversation. If he wanted to marry you, he'd ask you. If you ask him, he'll either say yes to keep you on the hook for a bit longer, followed by years of being engaged before you can plan a wedding, which will never happen - or he'll say no, and your relationship will be obviously over, at a point that might not suit you. (and as he's kept you hanging on for 5.5 years knownig you want to get married, then frankly you are allowed to keep him hanging on and end he relationship when it suits you.)

I would look at this as an opportunity. It's unlikely this is the man you will build your life with, so when you are looking for a new job, you have a lot of freedom, you can look anywhere in the country/world! Don't consider yourself stuck to your current location, you could start again anywhere else. Fancy living abroad for a year or two? why not, you've nothing to hold you here...

Can't beileve I have to say it, but - here's what's going to happen. You are going to get upset and uptight, year in and year out. Then at about 34 for whatever reason you will break up.

Then within two years he will have found someone, got engaged and got her pregnant. Whilst you would have wasted really good eggs and precious time on him. If he wanted to marry you, he would. He doesn't want to. But there will be someone out there, that will drive him to do so. My advice? Set him free and free yourself.

Maybe he wants his proposal to be a surprise and not something he feels pushed into because of your family and friends expectations? I'd dig my heels in if I felt I was "supposed to/pushed into" do something

I think you have two options here

• become a screeching banshee and nag, implore, berate and generally bully your way to a ring. And then wonder for ever after if he only did it to shut you up (it's not really romantic if it's coerced, and it would be more dignified just to ask him yourself)

or

• really think seriously about walking, because this guy is unlikely to give you what you are looking for.

I would also think carefully about his motivations. I think my reaction to a guy who said "Ooooh she wants to get married, and I can't be arsed" would be really harsh. But to a guy who said "Oooh she wants to get married and have this huge expensive traditional wedding, and it'll be totally out of control and I can see no way of stopping this other than not proposing" I would be fairly sympathetic.

Myself & DP spoke about getting married when speaking about starting to try to conceive. I said I'd like to, he said he didn't believe in it. No ring came at Christmas, but then he proposed in March, completely out of the blue and all of his own accord.

Maybe stop mentioning it and take the pressure off and see what happens? Or he could propose, you never know. Or he could be waiting for New Years Eve so you can start the new year engaged.

I suppose you need to decide whether you can go on with him without being married and if so how long you'll wait. Or ask him, but be prepared for what you will do if he says no, will you leave him?

he said ‘Yes, I’m coming round to the idea of marriage now but we couldn’t afford a wedding at the moment anyway.’ ...we definitely wouldn’t be on the breadline and could still save each month etc.

You wouldn't really need to save at all. It costs tuppence to get spliced at the registry office.

oh, I have rather assumed you don't have DCs! If not, then definately look elsewhere for work if you fancy it. Let 2018 be a fresh start for you.

Your job situation shouldn't come into it. A proposal is merely a proposal- you don't get married on that day or pay for the wedding that day (normally). Using your job is just an excuse and it sounds like you're making them for him.

Be strong. Talk to him sensibly and figure out what he truly wants. You deserve it.

Also, just text friends and family back "I know you're wanting to share some joy with me, but to be honest I get this question all the time and it's really stressful and upsetting to keep telling people that there's no news yet. I'd really appreciate a bit of time and space as I figure things out".

I think you need to talk to him. I’m not saying propose to him, or give him an ultimatum, but if the last time you had a proper conversation about this was a year ago then it’s time for another one - and a more serious one. If he’s 35 and has been with you for 5.5 years he must know whether or not he wants to marry you - if he doesn’t, then he’ll never know. It’s not fair for him to keep you hanging about like this. Or to use your job as an excuse - I can’t even see how that’s relevant, to be honest. After all, you could have a small low key wedding rather than a big expensive do.

If he can’t give you a clear picture of his intentions then it’s time to call it a day. What about kids? Do you want them? Does he?

Can I just mention the wise, wise MN advice that if you have children when unmarried you must not become a SAHM or go part time.

Just ask him! You are not traditional unless you are a virgin, still live at home and your parents are going to pay for your wedding.

You have been together 5.5 years and I don't think he wants to marry you. You have already said that you are disappointed, so why not end the relationship and look for marriage with someone who wants the same as you. Life is too short to spend it being disappointed!

Is he a very financially- minded person OP? Does he think that marriage = house / larger mortgage and because he can't see a way of getting that yet, he's stalling?

I have a friend who wasted her life for 11 yrs waiting to be proposed too. When she finally broke it off she was 37. She did meet a wonderful man a few years later when she was 42 and they are now married and very very happy but they haven’t managed to have children because of her age and that is her great sadness that she wasted those years on someone who didn’t value her enough to be honest about what he wanted.

After they broke up her ex met and married a new woman within 18 months. So it wasn’t that he didn’t want to get married in general - it was that he didn’t want to marry her.

Don’t waste your time on someone who is t being honest with you.

I know it may seem from this post that I bring the subject up/ pester him but I really don’t. We’ve literally only discussed the idea of marriage about 3 times in the whole 5.5 years together. The last 2 times to say we’ve both come around to the idea more. The subject of marriage hasn’t been brought up between us now for nearly a year. Which I guess if he’s procrastinating and not wanting to marry me suits him down to the ground! But it absolutely isn’t a situation where I’m some bunny boiler who is whinging at him every week etc. He doesn’t know how I’m feeling deep down and how important it has become to me.

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked you and he wouldn't be making excuses.

He is making excuses.

Sorry.

Also I have said to my DP that someone who buys an engagement ring as a birthday/christmas pressie is a cheapskate who gets out of buying that birthday/christmas pressie

You've given him five years of your life. If he didn't ask you in those five years clearly he's not keen. Ask him yourself. If he says no just leave. Don't present it as an ultimatum, you don't want him to say yesnust so you stay. You are still young enough to find someone else relatively easily but you won't be for long. Sometimes two people can love each other but just want different things.

Firstly, ask any well-meaning friend or rellie who raises the issue not to do so. Secondly, and more importantly, is your OH committed to you? If he is, why is marriage so important to you. Does it really make a difference to you if he loves you, wants to be you but doesn’t want a formal document to prove it? And is there a reason why he doesn’t want to get married (and it looks like he really doesn’t)?

ARe you ready to really test this? As others have said, propose. He'll kick off and probably break your heart a few times but then you'll properly hash it out and I'd be surprised if you didn't end up getting married. You will lose that stupid Hollywood proposal though and you'll need to be pretty comfortable in yourself to shake off the bad memories around getting engaged itself. But if marriage is what you want, I think I'd just do it and put him on the back foot about it.

Who the fuck decided that men get to hold the hand of cards anyway.

Really don't ask him! What's the point? He knows the OP wants to get married, if he wanted to get married too, he'd ask her. He hasn't.

Asking might get a 'yes', but that doesn't mean a wedding will ever happen if he doesn't really want to get married, or it'll get a 'no', which basically means the end of their relationship. (I have hear of a couple surviving a 'no' to a proposal that the one proposing really wants)

My BFF was in a similar position, she took the plunge and proposed to him, bought a ring and everything, planned it down to the last detail.

He said no, she binned him off and has now been married to a really lovely bloke who adores her.

Sometimes you have to cut loose to move forward.

Look, he's perfectly happy the way he is. He has your undivided attention and all the perks of marriage without the commitment. Take the hint. You've given him years now give him his freedom. Someone who will want to spend their life with you will then find you.

Do you want a marriage or a wedding? DH and I were pretty much poor as church mice but we managed to get married despite that. A simple elopement to Reno with minimal fuss.

He doesn't want to get married, and that's absolutely fine and his choice. You do, and that's absolutely fine and your choice. But tick tock tick tock, especially if you want to have children. You're wasting your time waiting for him.

Have you discussed children? Have you said you want children, pointed out your age, and that you'd like to be married first? That does rather give things a time table.