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Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
Solasum · 14/12/2017 18:18

Not necessarily @Buck3t I left my ex as he wouldn’t commit after 3.5 years of him hinting about commitment from day one, fully expecting him to marry my successor. 5 years later she is still with him, and apparently baffled he hasn’t proposed. Really hope she leaves soon, she has already wasted much of her twenties, just as I did.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/12/2017 18:20

Hon ! (Sorry but sometimes I like a hon) You need to know and plan your life

Want to waste more tears and tears with someone that has no intention of getting married and having kids ? We have all seen the rom coms on these type of fellows

Be brave - ask him very straight Flowers

FlouncyDoves · 14/12/2017 18:23

‘Can’t afford to leave right now’?!

You’re charming you are. Stick with him for another few months as ill be unemployed, then dump him and move out as soon as I can because he won’t propose.

Poor bloke. It’s him I feel sorry for. You sound a like a nightmare.

pigeondujour · 14/12/2017 18:25

Urgh, WHY do these shit-for-brains men think they hold all the cards? Why do so many of us let them persuade us that that's the case too? I have so so rarely met a heterosexual couple where I didn't think the woman was objectively too good for the man.

Anyway, I agree that 30 is a good time to reassess. I'd set the April deadline (without telling him though) and be very prepared to stick to it.

pigeondujour · 14/12/2017 18:25

Oh and Flouncy you sound like a twat

BadHatter · 14/12/2017 18:26

OP, as well as him proposing to you, do you also want the big, fancy wedding where all these friends and family will be invited? If yes, how do you pragmatically plan to pay for this? Do you expect your BF to fund everything?

beepbeeprichie · 14/12/2017 18:26

I have two female friends who were in the same position as you at age c35, having had partners for 5 years but no ring. One hung on in there, eventually got dumped for a younger model and (despite wanting marriage and children) is still alone 10 years later. The other made an ultimatum to herself, ended up leaving the partner and now has a new partner and baby (things moved quickly for her admittedly).
You could be either of these women in 10 years. 5.5 years is a sunk cost- don't hang around because of it.

TheHeartOfTeFiti · 14/12/2017 18:27

I love it when people say they are traditional yet surely traditional is not living together before marriage, no sex before marriage! I’m guessing you’ve done at least one of these after 5 years. Next time if you want to do the traditional thing, no sec before marriage that’ll have him sprinting down the aisle!

ihavetogoshoppingnow · 14/12/2017 18:27

I really don’t understand the comments in this thread Confused it’s 2017 you don’t HAVE to get married. Yes you want a ring and a wedding but how would being married make any difference to your current relationship? Why would you would leave someone you love and presumably have a good happy relationship with because of it. If he has shown you commitment In other ways maybe he just doesn’t want to waste thousands of pounds on a ring and ONE day of your lives especially if your going to be out of work? I find it so odd that people see marriage as the only way to state commitment to each other when the divorce rate is so high

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/12/2017 18:28

Flouncy ...but what about the fact he may have been stringing her along for over 5 years? Life isn't that simple, you have to be pragmatic at times.

abouttimeforanotherone · 14/12/2017 18:28

All your family and friends - you know, the ones who keep going on about it and rubbing salt into the wound - you need to man up and tell them to flamin' well stop asking because it is a really sore point and it upsets you when they keep asking.

Surely they can't all be so crass as to not realise that their questions and hints upset you. And if they are, then you need to spell it out to them.

This is what it's like (btw) when you are married, have been for some time, are having infertility troubles and people keep asking you why aren't you pregnant yet.

TheFickleFingerOfFate · 14/12/2017 18:29

You wouldn't be confident he would say yes? So you want to marry him but you realise he isn't that gone on you. If you have to ask, you know the answer...

RockinRobinTweets · 14/12/2017 18:34

If you’ve not bought it up much, I think it’d be worth communicating that you want to get married in the next 18 months or so and if you do want kids, also give a timeframe. Honestly, you need to be able to communicate this if you want to get married, as you won’t have a great marriage if you can’t say what’s on your mind.

Good luck OP. I don’t think it’s that unusual to get together in your mid twenties and then to drift, it often moves more quickly when couples get together later on.

MikeUniformMike · 14/12/2017 18:35

If you are cohabiting and your income is a lot less than his, I can understand that he might be reluctant to propose. It might not be very romantic of him but is quite sensible.

If you are not planning a future together and haven't discussed the possibility of starting a family at some point then he's just not that into you.

30 is a good age to think about having children. You need to ask him if you are thinking of becoming a family. If he says no, then leave him.

Your friends and family need to stop the pressure. They're not helping.

In all honesty, I think that this chap likes you enough as a girlfriend but doesn't see you as a future wife. Build up your life and cut your losses. It will hurt but you will get over it.

OnTheRise · 14/12/2017 18:36

The first thing to deal with is the pressure you're feeling from other people to get engaged. They are being very rude to you and your partner, and should wind their necks in. Work out a stock response and use it every time anyone says anything. Something like, "I don't think that's any of your business," or perhaps, "Why are you so invested in my boyfriend proposing to me?"

Once you've dealt with them, work out how you feel about this whole marriage business. Would you be happy with the two of you going quietly away on holiday and getting married without telling anyone? Because it might well be the whole big party thing that's putting your partner off proposing. If you want a romantic gesture and a big wedding as well as being married, that's another thing.

Once you know what you want, then you can talk to him. And if he isn't prepared to marry you in a timeframe that suits you, and marriage is important to you, you have to part. I know you say you can't afford to leave him right now but it will never be the right time to leave him. And if you stay for another five years and you're still not married then, how will you feel?

Work out what you want. Work out how to get it. Take action. It's the only way.

sonjadog · 14/12/2017 18:37

After being with you for five years, he knows if he wants to marry you or not. "Coming round to the idea" is bullshit. It means he doesn't want to. The other excuse of putting it off because of your job situation likewise. That has nothing to do with getting married. If anything, it would be a reason to get married as it would give you more security. Another bullshit excuse. Sorry OP, but this guy is telling you that he doesn't want to get married.

tiggytape · 14/12/2017 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

millymae · 14/12/2017 18:39

A cautionary tale OP - I know someone whose circumstances were exactly like yours. She got the ring she wanted in the end, everyone was thrilled for them and the wedding took place. Within a month he’d upped and left telling her that he’d felt pressurised into marrying her and that he didn’t love her as he should.
We can argue all we want that he should have had the courage to speak out before the wedding, but he didn’t and she was left with a holy mess to sort out.
Don’t let yourself end up in the same situation she did.
I’m inclined to believe that if your partner hasn’t given you a ring yet, there’s a reason why not. Ask him why and really listen to what he says. If you end up splitting up the upset will be the same whether you have a ring in your finger or not, but it will be so much harder if you have legal ties to each other which would have been better not made.

FlouncyDoves · 14/12/2017 18:42

‘Stringing her along’. Lol.

We don’t live in the 1960s.

Ringonrighthand · 14/12/2017 18:43

OP I feel for you and I have been in your position. It's really hard and really horrible. I was a bit older than you but after 2.5 years together we had a baby so the marriage thing went on hold. Then it was excuse after excuse, money, wait til baby is older, wait til work is a bit more stable etc. Eventually I put a time limit of my 40th birthday on it and he literally waited until that day and "proposed' then. A few months later we booked the venue, I got my dress and booked photographer etc and things between us were going downhill. Pretty much 8 months to the day we got engaged he dropped the bombshell that he didn't want to get married at all. I was devastated, totally broken hearted but deep down I guess all along I had known. I asked him to leave and he did. We now co parent quite amicably, he had a new (younger) partner within a few months and I dare say he will do the same to her.

It was the hardest time of my life (my little girl was only four and about to start school etc) but honestly it felt like I was living a more "true" life once he left. I may be a single mum but at least I'm honest, something he never was.

I really do think men (and some women) shouldn't have to be bribed, cajoled, nagged into marriage. If they are not being enthusiastic about it they probably don't want it. I suggest you leave now and you will either see that he really does want it or move on and find someone who does. Good luck x

ImListening · 14/12/2017 18:48

I know several people in your situation.

One the guy said he didn’t believe in marriage but his partner did & he wanted her to be happy. They got married more than 25 years ago.

Another had two dcs & waited for the proposal that never came. He left her after 15 years & Marrried someone else within a year & half.

Another hang around & left after waiting years for a proposal. He married someone else she’s on her own.

Don’t be the last 2.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/12/2017 18:48

Of course I love him, but I’m speaking pragmatically, until my job situation is sorted, I couldn’t really afford to leave. I don’t want to leave, I love him. The thought of not being with him is awful, but I know I can’t carry on like this indefinitely so I will put a cut off date of April on I think. By that time I think I’ll have given him MORE than long enough, my job situation will hopefully be sorted and if I have to leave, I won’t be destitute!

The thought of being without him or his wallet??

Maybe he can see that hence no proposal as he can walk away at any time and you have no financial claim in him.

Traditional means no sex before marriage, not living in sin etc. Strange how that is over looked when somebody wants the grand proposal and ring.

buckeejit · 14/12/2017 18:50

I think be honest with him but try not to get emotional. The facts are you feel you both need to look at your relationship. Do you love each other? What do you want long term? What's negotiable & what's not?

If you're sure you want to get married, then tell him but know yourself first why you do. I just really wanted dc & the marriage came after but don't feel that it would bother me too much if we weren't married.

Good luck with it all-you'll both end up where you're meant to be.

Wilburissomepig · 14/12/2017 18:52

Because I don’t want to ask. I’m traditional (I don’t care that it is 2017 to be honest) and would quite like to be proposed TO.

If this is the reason that you're not asking him, then I'm afraid it sounds like you don't really want to marry him anyway. Either ask him or move on. Don't waste your time.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 14/12/2017 18:53

Forcing a proposal out of a man who clearly doesn’t want to ask you to marry him will not end well.

Fair enough to say “we set a date for our wedding by April or I’m leaving” but only say it if you are sure you can follow your threat through. Are you willing to risk losing the man you love?

Definitely don’t force him to make that decision, if he asks you just out of fear of losing you rather than because he wants to be with you and only you for the rest of your lives, then you’ll both regret it.