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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/12/2017 16:57

Would you want him to propose because he genuinely wants too, and wants you to be his wife.

Or because he's being pressured?

I've seen the 2nd option played out many times and it doesn't end well.

Littlelambpeep · 14/12/2017 16:57

Break it off before Christmas. Get out there again.. At 30 I wouldnt waste more time on him ..
Flowers

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 14/12/2017 16:57

How long are you ACTUALLY going to hang around then? It’s already been a year..

Whinesalot · 14/12/2017 16:58

Is he a perfect partner in other respects? Ifs he anti marriage in general or do you think he's just not sure whether you are the right person?

BarbarianMum · 14/12/2017 16:58

Well if you are "traditional" and so won't ask, then I suggest you make plans to leave in the New Year if the ring doesn't materialise. If you have to drag him to the alter by issuing ultimatums the relationship isn't worth having.

Also, make sure any ring is very shortly followed by setting a date. Don't move from where you are now to being perminently engaged.

Tradition isn't all its cracked up to be btw. At least if you asked him you'd know where you stood.

specialsubject · 14/12/2017 16:58

you clearly aren't that traditional unless this is a no-sex relationship. Have an adult discussion on where you are both heading. If it isn't the same direction, you are wasting each other's time.

forget the friends, all that is really a bit childish.

pallisers · 14/12/2017 16:59

If you want to be proposed TO then you have picked the wrong man - sorry. It isn't going to happen.

If you don't want to ask him in case he says no, then you are stuck. Basically you need to do what a pp said - pick a date, make it a deadline and then move on if it passes.

And tell your mum and your friends to just stop annoying you! God knows my mum wasn't known for her boundaries with her daughters but even she wouldn't have been crass enough to ask us whether we were getting a ring.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 14/12/2017 17:00

He doesn't want to marry you.

You're 30. Don't waste any more time on someone who's not that bothered about you.

JennyOnAPlate · 14/12/2017 17:01

If he hasn’t proposed after 5.5 years he’s not going to. If marriage is that important you, you need to start making plans to leave him.

Original poster
CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 17:03

I know I can’t wait around much longer, I need to make decisions I know that. It doesn’t help in on a FTC with work and it looks like it won’t be renewed in Feb. I would really struggle money wise on my own at the moment and I need to try and find another job ASAP. We had a conversation the other week re my job and he said ‘Any big life changing things will have to be put on hold now until you’ve got another job.’ We we’re going to look to move in the new year and so I think he may have been talking about that, but perhaps he could have meant an engagement.

I’ll have to be gone by spring if nothing changes I think. I couldn’t afford to leave right now even if I wanted to!

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 14/12/2017 17:03

we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.'

"come round to the idea more". Sounds like he's keeping you on your toes. Honestly, I'd get rid. You've told him what you want and he doesn't want the same.

PoppyFleur · 14/12/2017 17:04

I can imagine it must be very upsetting for you to have the extra pressure from your friends and family, followed by your own plus their disappointment when the proposal doesn't occur.

It's clear you love your DP, he is aware you want to marry but 5.5 years in he has not proposed. Please think about this relationship clearly and assess whether you are happy with the current arrangement. I have sadly seen 2 friends remain with a partner for many years accepting that marriage isn't on the cards, only to break up and the partner meets someone new and proposes a year into the relationship.

Time for some soul searching, your life is too precious a thing to waste on someone who doesn't deserve you.

AuntieStella · 14/12/2017 17:06

Hang on in there over Christmas/NY

Be ready to talk some time around mid-January about whether this relationship has a future.

I tend to agree with the posters who say he is stringing you along. I recommend that you read the posts about 'future-faking' on the Baggage Reclaim site

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?s=Future+faking

PinkHeart5914 · 14/12/2017 17:07

What does I’m traditional even mean? Your 5.5 years in to this realtionship do you live together? Own a home? Have sex? Have dc? If so your not as traditional as you think

Your so traditional so you have 2 choices, stay with him and not ask him because your a woman and you must be asked and you may never get your marriage OR leave

Skittlesss · 14/12/2017 17:09

Do you live together? I feel that if he knows you want to marry, but he hasn't asked and it's been years since you made that clear then sadly he doesn't seem to want to marry.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 17:09

Your friends and family are making this far worse and I think you need to tell them clearly to back off.

Could you try and broach the subject again this weekend. Just say something like, "Can't believe I turned 30 this year. Life is passing so quickly. You're getting on as well. Just think, if we were married and had a baby now, you'd be 40 by the time he/she started school."

Just say something like this to gauge his reaction. Tell him you feel in a rut and you're struggling with this stage of your life - "it's as if something is missing," etc.

Don't ask him to marry you. I would never have done that either because what's the point?

Try and test the waters because otherwise this could build up and ruin Xmas for you. Good luck!

ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2017 17:10

I waited years for (now) DH and believe me, it wasn’t easy. We had numerous arguments over many years. He’s naturally very cautious but it still feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach remembering how long he waited to ask me. If I’m completely honest, I still feel as though he “settled” and that I’m not actually good enough Sad

At 5.5 years I think you’ve given it a good chance to work out. I would give it another 6 months and if he hasn’t by then, move on. A summer breakup might be easier when you can get out and have some fun in the sun - in winter it’s too easy to mope.

And as for friends and relatives - could you send an email en masse asking people not to mention it as it doesn’t feel good when they do?

noeffingidea · 14/12/2017 17:10

I agree, he doesn't want to marry you. Of course he's not going to say so, because you'd probably piss off then, and he'd have to go through the whole process of finding someone else who will have sex with him on a regular basis, and do all the other wifey things that you presumably do, without the legal status of marriage.
Of course that doesn't in itself mean that he doesn't love and care for you, or not want to spend the rest of his life with you. He might just hate the idea of marriage itself. Only you can decide if thats enough for you.

jaseyraex · 14/12/2017 17:11

Sorry OP but even an engagement ring doesn't mean he'll marry you. Someone that doesn't really want to get married may well propose but have a very long term engagement, avoiding the actual marriage but have done their part to keep you happy enough. Either ask him (and if he says no then you'll know to get out of the relationship) or talk about it again. Tell him a marriage needs to happen, not just a proposal, or you'll be gone. Personally if it means that much to you I'm surprised you're still there 5 years down the line.

misscheery · 14/12/2017 17:11

OP, I'm with you!! I'd NEVER propose, and I don't think I'm old fashioned, it just seems normal to be to be proposed to.

He's an asshole and your friends are assholes for asking the same question a thousand times. You need to have a serious talk. Tbf, if he wanted to marry you he would have proposed by now. Do take into account the fact that he might propose just because you insisted to, and then shit might go down really fast. You need to make a decision...

Original poster
CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 17:13

I know there won’t be a ring at Christmas and he’ll blame it on my job situation. The thing is though, it’s a bit boy who cried wolf because perhaps that IS a valid reason this time around, but what about the last 5.5 years? What have been his valid reasons then, well, other than the fundemental he didn’t want to marry me one.

OP posts:
LoverOfCake · 14/12/2017 17:15

OP, he doesn't want to marry you. And tbh, while I can absolutely understand that you want a proposal and a ring and everything that goes with that, it still means nothing if you're not actually married. He could propose at Christmas and still fail to set a date, in which case the proposal and the ring will be meaningless in terms of what it should stand for.

What you need to decide is whether you want to live in a relationship with someone long-term where marriage is not on the cards. If you're happy with that, then you need to potentially just let it drop. If you're not happy with that and marriage itself is important to you, then you need to move on sooner rather than later, especially if you e.g. Want children etc.

For those saying that you shouldn't be pressuring a man into marrying you, while on some levels I don't disagree with that sentiment, if marriage isn't important to him then it shouldn't matter to him whether he gets married or not, and if he knows that it's important to you then he will. If however he believes in marriage and still doesn't want to marry you, then tbh that puts your whole relationship into question as if you have been together for five years and he still doesn't want to marry you then clearly he doesn't have the feelings for you which would imply marriage and you deserve better.

Oldbutstillgotit · 14/12/2017 17:17

Even if he produces an engagement ring , will you then have another 5+ years waiting for him to set a wedding date ?

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 17:19

I don't really get what your job situation has to do with him proposing? He can propose and you can set a date whenever you like.

Try and sound him out more - not specifically on marriage, but just about where he's at in his head.

TheresTheFlyingFuckIDontGive · 14/12/2017 17:19

My DH proposed after 6 years together. I was the same, expecting at every special date to be proposed to, but in the end he got down on one knee and asked me one Tuesday night when he was handing over my pasta bake.

He said that he hadn't proposed on any of the special dates as he didn't want it to be a time when I expected it.

We also didn't set a date when we got engaged, but waited almost two years and then went to Vegas - from deciding on Vegas to being there and married within 6 weeks.