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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
TheFickleFingerOfFate · 14/12/2017 17:31

You're making excuses. He does know it's important to you and he's choosing to ignore it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/12/2017 17:31

To be brutal, he's just not into you enough to want to marry you. If he hasn't proposed over the past five years, he's not going to. And he knows that you're never going to leave him regardless, so he feels safe.

The money is just a smokescreen - as a PP said, it costs very little to actually get married. If you want a big fancy wedding, on the other hand...

But I'm with others - why are you waiting for him to propose? It's bizarre. Just ask him! Or actually discuss it with a real outcome, rather than just letting him control everything with his sometimes and maybes.

stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 17:31

If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed by now. He knows what you want and still isn't interested.

I don't understand why women stick around in these situations. I wouldn't want to marry someone who I had to wait years for, and who had to be pressured into proposing to me.

RavenLG · 14/12/2017 17:32

"I couldn’t afford to leave right now even if I wanted to!" ... so do you love him or his money?

TheNaze73 · 14/12/2017 17:33

In situations where one person doesn’t want the status quo, it’s down to them to do something about it.

You have two options, ask him or walk

Hulder · 14/12/2017 17:33

Really sorry but you aren't that traditional. You've been with him 5.5 years, having sex, no marriage, moved in together - why should he get married? He has absolutely no reason to.

When you discuss getting married how does it go, beyond the fact that you would like to and weddings are expensive? Are you able to give him concrete reasons eg financial stability why you would like to get married? Convince him it's about a marriage not a wedding - you could just go down the registry office in your jeans and 2 witnesses after all.

If it's still a no go, he doesn't want to be married to you. What would that mean for you if you had kids? Does he get it now? If he still doesn't then you have a big decision to make.

amusedbush · 14/12/2017 17:33

If he wanted to be married to you, he'd have asked by now.

I'm not much younger than you are and I've been with DH 5.5 years too, married after 4 years together. If he wanted to get married, he'd make it happen.

And the money thing is bullshit. We got married with no guests at all, we combined the wedding with our honeymoon and it cost a fraction of what a "proper" wedding would have been.

Beamur · 14/12/2017 17:33

Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same, then you have an answer.
Getting married - is it for the commitment? Kids? Big fancy dress? What is it you actually want?

Mymycherrypie · 14/12/2017 17:35

It's a cop out to get an engagement ring for Christmas anyway. Saves them buying a ring and a present!

Original poster
CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 17:35

Of course I love him, but I’m speaking pragmatically, until my job situation is sorted, I couldn’t really afford to leave. I don’t want to leave, I love him. The thought of not being with him is awful, but I know I can’t carry on like this indefinitely so I will put a cut off date of April on I think. By that time I think I’ll have given him MORE than long enough, my job situation will hopefully be sorted and if I have to leave, I won’t be destitute!

OP posts:
ShoesHaveSouls · 14/12/2017 17:36

I do know someone who was in this position - and she packed her bags to leave him. She got her proposal then.

You have to mean it though, and be prepared to actually leave.

Arrietty123 · 14/12/2017 17:36

I'm sorry op but I don't think that he wants to marry you. There's no reason why your job situation would stop him from proposing. It just sounds like an excuse. You're 30 and if you want to be married before having kids then I would find someone else who wants the same things as yourself. I know that's easier said than done but you shouldn't have to give up something that is that important to you.

frieda909 · 14/12/2017 17:38

I have sadly seen 2 friends remain with a partner for many years accepting that marriage isn't on the cards, only to break up and the partner meets someone new and proposes a year into the relationship.

This, sadly, is exactly what happened to me. Was with my ex 9 years and he went through various stages of ‘I’m not ready’, ‘I don’t believe in marriage’, ‘I’m coming around to it but not yet’, ‘I was going to propose last month but changed my mind’ and so on until we eventually broke up. Guess what? He got married less than two years later.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 17:38

The only way the job situation would be relevant is if the OP is also insisting on a very expensive wedding. OP?

diddl · 14/12/2017 17:39

So he has known for two & a half years that you would like to marry?

"why should he get married? He has absolutely no reason to."-well if he loved the Op enough...

stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 17:40

But aren't you just making it more painful for yourself? The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Why is April your cut-off date?

If he doesn't propose by say, April 30th, what's to stop you saying "well, he might propose next Christmas/our anniversary/my birthday" and hanging around even longer?

He already lives with you - if he wanted to marry you, he would propose, regardless of your job situation. Lots of couples go through redundancies/work changes - that doesn't change their love for each other or desire to get married.

He's spinning you a line so you think he'll propose eventually.

Nikephorus · 14/12/2017 17:41

He doesn’t know how I’m feeling deep down and how important it has become to me.
Well if you want to marry him then perhaps some honest communication is in order, otherwise how will you manage to agree on having kids etc.? Tell him how important it is to you. If he doesn't agree then move on. But you can get engaged without a big proposal - you can just have a discussion, agree that you're going to marry and bugger me you're engaged. If it's all about the big proposal for you then maybe that's what's putting him off because it should be about the commitment & the ceremony, not the faff.

Goodasgoldilox · 14/12/2017 17:42

He isn't against marriage.
He knows that you want to be married

If he loves you - he wants to do what would make you happy... unless he has a good reason not to.

If he hasn't proposed in all this time - it suggests that he doesn't want to be married to you.

I hate the thought of you (and everyone else) waiting around like this.

fizzthecat1 · 14/12/2017 17:42

OP you should have posted this in Relationships not AIBU some very nasty bitter responses on here.

Some people just aren't that keen on getting married. I'm the same. I still love my DP though and will probably do it eventually.

Maryz · 14/12/2017 17:43

You could always be pro-active and message all your friends before Christmas:

"I'm just letting you know that there is absolutely no way I will be getting an engagement ring for Christmas. We currently have no intention of getting married or even engaged. I would be grateful if you could all fuck off stop making comments on my personal life".

That'd shut them up.

I agree he doesn't want to marry you, sorry

WeAllHaveWings · 14/12/2017 17:43

saying you are traditional is hypocritical if you are living together before marriage.

Romantic proposals are overrated and not worth years of uncertainty.

eggsandwich · 14/12/2017 17:45

My Dh waited 9 years before asking me outside the church where we later got married in.

We were always on the same page about wanted to get married and have children together and if I’m honest I was ready way before he was as I think he was a little scarred by his parents relationship and divorce that he was a bit uncertain.

I think I would maybe wait till after Christmas even though that’s probably when a lot of people propose just in case he does decide to, and sit down and have a frank discussion with him in the new year if it doesn’t happen.

Good luck.

stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 17:45

And I would agree that he does want to get married, he just doesn't want to marry you. I've seen lots of people hang around waiting for a proposal, only for the relationship to end and the man to marry someone else within a year or two of leaving.

If I wanted to get married, I wouldn't hang around for five years. If someone didn't want to marry me after that much time and investment, I'd be off.

MrsRamiMalek · 14/12/2017 17:46

Maybe he will surprise you, who knows, but it's not sounding likely. I think you'd be happier with a man who adores you so much he can not even wait to ask you to marry him. 30 is still so young, you've got plenty of time. What would really be awful is spending another 5 years together only to come to the same realisation as you are now, only now you've wasted another half a decade when you could've been finding somebody that wants the same things you do.

As an aside, I asked my oh to marry me 10 years ago when we were just 22. I really wish I hadn't....I would have loved being asked. Turns out he was planning on doing it too. I just couldn't wait could I! We'd only been together 6 months. It was still exciting, but I really don't think it makes someone any more of a 'modern, independent' woman just because you proposed instead of the man. If you don't want to do it that way round you shouldn't have to, and you shouldn't be shamed for it with the overused cliched reminder of what year we are in now either (you'd have to be dead not to know thanks).

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/12/2017 17:47

Maybe he's also feeling the pressure from the cast of thousands, waiting in the wings with baited breath for his next move...
He must feel like there are far too many people in your relationship.

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