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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/12/2017 17:47

Put a reminder in your phone calendar for 1st April along the lines of "piss or get off the pot".

Get on with looking for jobs, but definately don't limit yourself to ones near areas that are best for his career.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2017 17:48

I'm sorry for you partly because you are surrounded by fucking idiots. It's actually pretty disgraceful for friends and family of a grown woman to be pushing her towards the idea of The Proposal as some kind of top prize to aim for in life, and to be doing so to the point that it's all she can think of.

There's nothing particularly wrong with wanting to be married (and in purely pragmatic terms, if you want to have DC with a man, it's better if you do get married first). There's nothing particularly wrong with not wanting to be married, either.

But there is this all too common set up where a couple have been together for a while and the woman would like to progress to marriage, but the man shows no particular enthusiasm for doing so. Sometimes he just isn't that fussed about marriage - perhaps he even genuinely believes that there is such a thing as common-law marriage when you live together for a certain amount of time. Sometimes he simply thinks of the woman as his Will Do For Now partner. I reckon that's what your DP thinks. You'll do for the moment, but he doesn't want to be married to you in case [sexy famous billionairess] suddenly walks into his life.
What is really unfortunate in this sort of situation is that all but the most thoroughly ethical of men rapidly begin to enjoy the power it gives them. Want the woman running around excitedly, trying to make herself into perfect wife to be? Hint that a proposal might be in the wind. Pissed off with her because she's refused to do as she's told, not been in the mood for sex, vetoed your night out with the boys? Tell her you were going to propose but now she's ruined it.
It's 'proposal as doggy treat' and some men will happily keep the game going for years. There may come a point where they have to actually propose, but then they can put off the actual wedding for a few years, as well...

Jaxhog · 14/12/2017 17:49

It isn't about a proposal or a ring it is whether he wants to marry you or not, is he committed to you or not
This.

After 5 years he should know. If he just wants to drift on and you don't, then now is the time to cut him off. Before you have children with him.

MsHarry · 14/12/2017 17:50

OP you really don't want him to propose under pressure. Either the wants to or he doesn't. You need to decide if the relationship is good enough to survive without marriage or leave.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/12/2017 17:50

I don't think he wants to marry you, sorry.
Even if he did propose now, I think you'd always wonder if it's because he felt he had to.
Don't waste your years on him, but equally you don't have to leave immediately. You need a plan and goals. Get a new job, get things in order, and focus on what you want out of life.
Whatever you do don't give ultimatums, beg or plead. You're worth more than that.

GlitteryStag · 14/12/2017 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/12/2017 17:50

oh and if you are both in your 30s, have you been to a lot of weddings over the last couple of years? Have most of your friends had big/fancy weddings of the £20/30k variety? Hints along the lines of "I don't think I'd want a very big wedding, more low key with just people we care about rather than extended family we only see twice a decade."

MsHarry · 14/12/2017 17:51

Do you live together? Is it just the marriage part he isn't interested in?

BertrandRussell · 14/12/2017 17:51

What is important about being married to you?

Rebeccaslicker · 14/12/2017 17:51

My friend had exactly this situation. The lack of proposal became a source of constant arguments after 7 years together and she set numerous deadlines which he never met, and which she never enforced. After 9 years he did propose, and now they have twins.

Would I say it's a happy marriage?

Well you can never tell but he puts her down a lot and they argue nonstop. I think she'd have been better taking everyone's advice at your stage, to be honest.

Is he committed in other ways - finances, house, kids? Some people aren't into marriage but are into the relationship.

StealthNinjaMum · 14/12/2017 17:54

Who are these 'friends' who are making you feel so bad? I wouldn't conceive of asking someone such a potentially upsetting question, it's up there with asking why a married couple haven't had kids yet (when they could be having infertility problems or multiple miscarriages). I think you can't start by telling them to fuck off, tell them how much it hurts and to stop putting you under such pressure. It took dh about 6 years to propose to me and I don't think anyone ever asked me that question.

You might also want to be a bit more upfront and tell him how much you want to get married. He doesn't sound that interested but maybe it's because he doesn't think it's bothering you? Then, if he still doesn't propose by April, you might want to think about ending the relationship.

I hope it all works out.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2017 17:54

I'm with Maryz tell all family and friends, no more marriage talk, it aint gonna happen. Then go broken record.

In the meantime please do stick to your April plan, tell you dp, you've got until April to propose, if you don't, if you can't prove your commitment to me, I can't go on being committed to you. I would marriage (kids if you like too!) and I don't want to just go on living together.

My friend met a man at 34. She moved in and lived with him and his kids. He never married her or got her pregnant (which she really wanted), within 4 years it was over. Her last bit of fertile time was wasted (yes, you can have kids after 38 but she was then single so staring again)... so never married or had kids.

This scared me a bit, so after my lovely boyfriend hanging back for a year I said to him one day, lets take a break. We did, I missed him, we got back together, a year later, same thing. So I told him that was it and we broke up. It was scary, but we had made a date to go out for his birthday and guess what, he wanted to talk, and that talking led to a marriage proposal. Over 16 years later all is well.

If this man won't commit to you, go and find someone else who will.

Thanks
stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 17:56

tell you dp, you've got until April to propose,

Why would you want someone who's only proposing because you'll dump them otherwise? That way anger, resentment and insecurity lies.

MsHarry · 14/12/2017 17:57

In the meantime please do stick to your April plan, tell you dp, you've got until April to propose, i

Don't do that, that's the worst kind of proposal. you've had the talks, if its not forthcoming and that's a deal breaker for you then you need to finish it.

Lndnmummy · 14/12/2017 17:59

I don’t believe in all the “if he wanted to marry you he would have asked by now nonsense”. It took my partner and I 10 years to get to that point. We had a baby and bought a house first. My partner wasn’t ready for a long time (we were younger when we met though). He was clear that he wasn’t ready to get married, not that he wasn’t ready to marry ME. Big difference.

I never pushed it (what is the fun in marrying someone unwilling) although I did say that I wanted to try for a baby at the latest at 32. He agreed to this. When ds was one he proposed on rainy wet ordinary Tuesday and it was a total surprise. It was lovely. He was ready. We both were.

MsHarry · 14/12/2017 18:00

House and baby are already massive commitments to you though Lnd .

MsHarry · 14/12/2017 18:02

I'm always shocked that some will have a child with a man that's not willing to marry her!! Chn are for life, marriages are not necessarily.

Dozer · 14/12/2017 18:02

Do you want DC? If so and wish to be married first you don’t have any more years to waste with him if he’s not on the same page IMO.

Leave it for xmas and tell family and friends to butt out. Then propose, or have a hard conversation, in early 2018 and be ready to leave if he doesn’t want to marry you, with a date set.

Hulder · 14/12/2017 18:05

I would not be surprised that if you left he then went and got married v quickly.

It's not about you, he may well think there is common-law marriage, not have got the message that he isn't 20 any more and fertility is cracking on for his partner, as PP has said started to enjoy the power.

Only when you go, is he going to realise what you are actually on about.

Getting married shouldn't involve waiting for a proposal to drop out of the sky, just a conversation about wanting to get married, you both a agree and er, well you are engaged then. No bended knees, all done and dusted. So many couples on MN seem to have 'agreed we will get married but aren't engaged yet as he hasn't proposed' - fuck that, that's another way for the bloke to string you along. The moment he agreed, you book a venue.

ConkerGame · 14/12/2017 18:06

Ah so sorry your friends and family are making the situation worse for you Sad Flowers. Definitely message them to tell them to stop as it only makes you feel sad and stressed - that's not on.

I was in your position 3 years ago at 27 (you and I are the same age). Everyone told me to dump him, so I did. I was worried I was being used and being a mug by staying.

Still not sure whether it was the right answer tbh. I haven't met anyone else since and meanwhile friends of mine who have been with their partners for 9/10/11 years have now been proposed to and got married. They didn't leave their partners after 5 years without a proposal (although tbf they were 25 then) but also didn't leave them after 8 years when they were 28.

I think only you can judge whether he's stringing you along or not and it's so hard to see clearly with all these annoying messages from your friends. Hopefully once they stop you can get a clearer mind and assess the situation better.

Good luck Flowers

BewareOfDragons · 14/12/2017 18:06

If he wanted to marry you, he'd marry you. You don't need a big wedding or a lot of money to be married. But it sounds like he has enough income to go either route.

I'd be concerned that he doesn't want to marry you until your job is more secure ... what, you're only good enough to marry if you're gainfully employed at the time he asks? Worrying, really... you've been together a long time, he knows you, he knows your work ethic ... can't believe he's using this as an excuse unless he really doesn't want to marry you.

You need to talk to him.

Rudgie47 · 14/12/2017 18:09

I think you are being strung along OP, actions speak louder than words.He doesnt want to marry you and is just using you whilst on the lookout for a better offer.I'd move on.

PostcodeJack · 14/12/2017 18:11

Unless I've read this wrong, the OP has said further along in the thread that this has only been discussed 3 times in the last 5.5 years and he doesn't realise how important it is to her now?

I'd suggest that the sensible course of action would be to actually tell him how important it is to her and discuss both their feelings about marriage. He may just think it's not a big deal to her. If he never wants to get married (for whatever reason) and that's a deal breaker for the OP, then she needs to decide whether being married is more important than the relationship.

His feelings on marriage are no less valid than hers are.

Moussemoose · 14/12/2017 18:13

It just all sounds so desperate a little self respect would help.

IsaSchmisa · 14/12/2017 18:17

You're adults and you need an honest, cards on the table conversation. Don't propose, just tell him how you feel.

If you refuse to do that out of some ludicrous misguided sense of tradition, then frankly you've made your own bed. There's fuck all traditional about a 5.5 year relationship without marriage, particularly if you're shagging and cohabiting too.