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AIBU?

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Original poster

antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

272 replies

ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 12:53

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

OP posts:
TheQueenOfWands · 14/12/2017 12:57

I think back in the day when we were men's property it was the done thing.

Another 100 years and we'll do away with titles. We have names, no one needs to be Ms/Mr/Miss/etc.

JamPasty · 14/12/2017 12:58

Oh God yes!! Don't bother reverting to your birth surname though as it won't make any difference. I didn't change my name when I married, and people know this, but I still get letters address to Mr and Mrs HisInitial HisSurname! Having your own birthday card addressed like that is particularly crap though. Happy birthday!

MyrandaRoyce · 14/12/2017 13:01

YANBU, I find it really annoying too

yumchoc · 14/12/2017 13:05

Annoying and sexist

HermionesRightHook · 14/12/2017 13:05

I fucking hate this with a fiery passion and I tell the sender the envelope was addressed wrongly Every. Single. Time, no matter how snotty or set in their ways.

I don't care what the etiquette was in 1856, it's a fucking rude thing to do here and now. ESPECIALLY when you've been told how offensive the receiver finds it fifteen times.

parquet · 14/12/2017 13:12

YANBU, it's sexist and old-fashioned but strike me down I actually quite like it! Blush

Insomnibrat · 14/12/2017 13:14

Patriarchy in action. The very act of having to change to 'his' surname and having to become a 'mrs' irks me.
What does the man have to change as his identity? Nothing.

WeaselsRising · 14/12/2017 13:18

Insomnibrat you do realise that there is no law to say you have to change your name, don't you?

AdoraBell · 14/12/2017 13:18

YANBU

Sexist and through back to times when women were the property either of their father or their husband.

happymummy12345 · 14/12/2017 13:19

I don't have any problem with it personally. Its traditional

RoryItsSnowing · 14/12/2017 13:20

That would really wind me up, and I'd be having a word with whoever sent it to make it clear that you'd like to be addressed as your own name from now on.

Insomnibrat · 14/12/2017 13:20

Yes, thank you. But there's a GREAT DEAL of societal pressure to do so.

RaspberryOverload · 14/12/2017 13:22

There's no lawa saying a woman has to change her name, and in any event, those old fashioned ways were only meant to be used when the recipient had not specified how they want to be addressed! If someone has told you have they want to be addressed, then this is supposed to take precedence.

5foot5 · 14/12/2017 13:22

Hmm! I will hold my hand up to doing this but only when sending things to older relatives who I think will expect it. (And given I am mid-fifties when I say older I do mean older than me)

When I am sending stuff to people my age or younger I just use their name. Or if it is joint, e.g. Christmas cards, I address to both names without using any titles - Fred and Freda Smith

RaspberryOverload · 14/12/2017 13:23

Just because something is traditional, doesn't mean it's right.

FrostyThirties0 · 14/12/2017 13:24

My son’s school do this. It’s a boys’ school so should expect it really!

Ta1kinPeace · 14/12/2017 13:26

I loathe it.
Only one person still does it
and they will not listen to me

Silverthorn · 14/12/2017 13:27

Friends of ours chose a completely new surname upon marriage. I kind of wish me and dh had done that too but it didn't occur to us at the time. I would have had the devil's own time convincing dh and his family....

Marriedwithchildren5 · 14/12/2017 13:27

It's usually used when addressing the couple. Pretty innocent if you ask me. I did this to couples for my wedding Invites. It's a tradition thing and nothing was meant by it. I can only hope my friends and family weren't as easy to offend as you!!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 14/12/2017 13:29

Tradition has a lot to answer for. Calling this old shite "traditional" as if that makes it fine is stupid.

I'm all for traditions such as putting a fairy or a star on a tree. Or calling a dog Rover.

But becoming your husband in name?

Bollocks to that.

MrsHathaway · 14/12/2017 13:30

I don't mind receiving joint post to Mr and Mrs DH full name but I would seriously eye roll at a birthday card to Mrs DH full name!!

MikeUniformMike · 14/12/2017 13:31

Unless they only know you as 'Tom's wife' or have only seen you listed as Mr & Mrs T. Surname, it's a bit crap.
I reverted to my unmarried name and don't like people assuming I'm Mrs Mike as I am Ms Mike.

cathyclown · 14/12/2017 13:31

Where I am it is quite rare now for women to take the surname of the husband.

I use no titles just "Jane Brown and Tony Smith" followed by address. If both have the same surname it is Jane and Tony Smith.

Ta1kinPeace · 14/12/2017 13:31

MrsH
Yup, that is what I have to put up with.

Its not even as if I changed my name when we got married !!!

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 14/12/2017 13:33

We keep getting cards addressed to Mrs and Mr Poisoning Pidgeysinthepark as most people know me but not DH - which amuses me greatly!