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Original poster

antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

272 replies

ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 12:53

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

OP posts:
BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 14/12/2017 14:02

I get quite a few cards address to Mrs DHFirstName SharedSurname. I like it!

The people who address me like that are a mixture of older (over 70) and my age (around 50). When I was at secretarial school we were taught that it was correct etiquette.

I've actually shared DHs surname far longer than I had my maiden name and really DO NOT like being called Miss or Ms but I wouldn't call someone rude for doing it.

happygirly1 · 14/12/2017 14:03

Bit weird! I've had "Mr & Mrs DH-Full name" on joint cards and whilst I'd prefer it wasn't that way I accept it may take a while to die out as it is a rarity these days.

However, on a single card, just for you?! Very odd. I'd be tempted to bring it up with sender in a jokey way that you do have your own first name!

Ta1kinPeace · 14/12/2017 14:03

I did get my revenge slightly by saying that DH was delighted with the card that had been sent to him ....
the relative said "but it was to you"
and I replied "but it did not have my name on it" Grin

Lilyhatesjaz · 14/12/2017 14:04

I hate it too but my great aunt who would be over 100 if she was still alive insisted that we still use her husband's initial even after she was widowed. Insisting she was still married so should be Mrs A not Mrs J

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 14:04

Would you react so negatively if your husband received a letter addressed to Mr. T. Ohbigdaddio Esq. ?

How is that remotely the same? If my husband got a letter to 'Mr Hisfirstname Hissurname Esq.' then we'd both think it was mildly amusing in its antiquatedness, but whatever. If, however, he got a letter to 'Mr Margaret Cavendish' I think he'd be quite pissed off, because that's not his name.

BoredOnMatLeave · 14/12/2017 14:04

It wouldn't occur to me to open a letter like that, I would assume they accidentally put an s at the end of Mr. I think it's a bit rude to end a birthday card to someone and not even put their actually name.

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 14:05

However, tellingly, while he sometimes gets addressed as 'Mr Cavendish' (we have different surnames) no one has ever, every suggested that he is 'Mr Margaret Cavendish'. Because if we went around calling men by their wives' first names everyone would find that completely bizarre.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/12/2017 14:05

Some women like it.
Meh.

Whippet · 14/12/2017 14:06

Although I'm married, I have stayed Ms [my own firstname] [my maiden name] (WTF! I've just realised how stupid and fluffy 'maiden name' sounds as a description too!)
My inlaws have never accepted/understood this, so continue to send everything to us (and me) with DH's names Angry.
They once sent me a cheque for my birthday made out to 'Mrs DH TheirSurname' and when DH mentioned that I wouldn't be able to pay it into my bank account, my FIL's response was 'why does she have a separate bank account anyway?'

DH used to say I shouldn't let it bother me and it wasn't a big deal, then we were invited to a big charity event/ social occasion with my employers and when we arrived he was listed as 'Mr DH [my surname]' and he kept complaining that I/they/'someone' shouldn't have made such a 'basic error' and he actually changed his name badge. Hmm

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/12/2017 14:10

DH used to say I shouldn't let it bother me and it wasn't a big deal, then we were invited to a big charity event/ social occasion with my employers and when we arrived he was listed as 'Mr DH [my surname]' and he kept complaining that I/they/'someone' shouldn't have made such a 'basic error' and he actually changed his name badge

Love it.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 14/12/2017 14:10

I've just realised how stupid and fluffy 'maiden name' sounds as a description too!

I loathe the term 'maiden name' and refuse to call it anything other than 'my name'.

Ilovewillow · 14/12/2017 14:11

YANBU but reverting back to your original surname won't help! I didn't change my surname when I got married and I still have relatives who send mail to me by my husbands surname!!

berryupset · 14/12/2017 14:14

I HATE this. My sister in law and another friend (young or at least youngish) do it persistently. I did not change my name on marriage and have a title - Dr - not that I use it outside professional situations. I think they would say they are using the ‘correct’ form of address but i think it is the absolute height of bad manners. I think my s in law does it deliberately to needle me - she likes to think i’m a crazed feminist, but then, she said ‘obey’ in her wedding vows. WTF?!?! I wish I had the courage to return to sender in a similarly passive aggressive way.

amusedbush · 14/12/2017 14:14

Ugh, my uncle did this when DH and I got married. We came back from our honeymoon to a congratulations card addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisinitial Surname.

I was happy to take DH's surname but I didn't bloody agree to take on his whole identity!

mindutopia · 14/12/2017 14:17

Yes, it annoys me. I think it's totally fine if that's what you want to be called. I did take my husband's surname (no attachment to mine and I have no relationship with anyone in my own family who had my maiden surname, my dad is dead/didn't like him much anyway, the rest of them are crazy, my mum has remarried and uses a mix of her maiden name and my stepdad's name). Anyway, I love my married name and quite happy to be called by my full name, but drives me nuts to get anything that is "Mr. and Mrs. Dh" or "Mrs. Dh." I'm a Dr. in quite a prestigious field and sometimes I just want to send it back with a note that says, "Actually it's Dr...." and my actual name. I do understand it's generational and I don't take as much offense when it's like great grandparents. I'm grateful they're still alive and remember to send us a card. But it annoys me when it's people who should know better.

PostcodeJack · 14/12/2017 14:19

I didn't change my surname when I got married (and had to correct the registrar when she announced us as Mr and Mrs HusbandsName) and continued to be known as Miss PostcodeJack.

The only person who ever sent me cards/flowers etc addressed to Mrs Postcode HusbandsName was my husband. Every Christmas, birthday and anniversary. Still not sure whether he was trying to tell me something.

It did always make me giggle though that when we went away, since the booking would be in my name (as I'd booked it), the hotel would always refer to him as Mr Jack. Normally for the entire stay.

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 14:19

My sister in law and another friend (young or at least youngish) do it persistently. I did not change my name on marriage and have a title - Dr - not that I use it outside professional situations. I think they would say they are using the ‘correct’ form of address but i think it is the absolute height of bad manners. I think my s in law does it deliberately to needle me - she likes to think i’m a crazed feminist, but then, she said ‘obey’ in her wedding vows. WTF?!?! I wish I had the courage to return to sender in a similarly passive aggressive way.

I would send all your cards to her addressed to her pre-marriage name. If she calls you on it, explain that you thought you would always use your own preferences, not hers, since that's what she does. If she doesn't call you on it you can just quietly enjoy annoying her back.

shhhfastasleep · 14/12/2017 14:22

There's a whole thing about putting Mrs Actual Firstname Married Surname that "means" you are divorced.
My late mum who remembered all the etiquette around this once wrote me a cheque with Mrs Husband's First Name Husband's Surname and the bank refused to take it because it wasn't me.
At least I think that was the reason she did it. There was something similar about her getting a letter "improperly " addressed when she was widowed.
I politely told her it was a load of nonsense and that this wasn't 1935 any more.
I suspect if you see it it is a hangover of this.

Dustbunny1900 · 14/12/2017 14:24

I. Fucking. HATE. IT!!
We got a letter from DHs family addressed to mr and mrs Jonathan (his last name)
I didn't even take his name!! They just assumed. I'm not his property. Slavery ended , and I'm not his child. Why on earth should I be addressed with his first And last?!

I asked how he would feel,if he were addressed as mr Katherine (my last name)
He was like "yah, I'd feel like your bitch. Pretty demeaning"

fantasmasgoria1 · 14/12/2017 14:24

I had this during my first marriage. I just told the relatives that were doing this to stop. I emphasised that I a person and to use my name when sending things.

PuppyMonkey · 14/12/2017 14:25

I haven't sent a Christmas card since 2006. But surely, if you know someone well enough to send them a Christmas card, you know their FIRST NAMES without having to go all formal and naff with the Mr and Mrs XXXX?

To Dave and family

To Sharon and George

To Big Nose and Co

Is the way i got round not knowing a partner's name or whatever.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 14/12/2017 14:26

I like it but I am old and traditional. Also, my parents divorced in 1972 and I was the only girl in my year with divorced parents and in a small town it stung. I remember the head giving me a letter for my mother and explaining that it was addressed to Mrs Jane Bloggs instead of Mrs John Bloggs because as a divorced woman she could no longer use her husband's name.

I know the world has moved on and that is good but I have carried that indignity and have never wanted to veer from the absolutely traditional and respectable of my youth because I didn't have it growing up.

Also it's nice to get a card and that's the thought that matters, not how the envelope is addressed. It shouldn't matter just as I shouldn't have been made to feel tarnished.

Interested to know what those of you who get irked about this think of having your first names used by doctors who don't invite you to use theirs. I find that a much more patriarchal equality issue than this and that includes women drs who think they can use my first name without asking whilst introducing themselves as Jane or Kate.

martinkhing · 14/12/2017 14:27

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RaindropsAndSparkles · 14/12/2017 14:29

That should have said whilst introducing themselves as Dr Jones or Dr White.

FatRedCrayon · 14/12/2017 14:30

Chalk me up as another one mildly vexed by it all. I adopted his surname, I didn't change my first name! I guess it's down to tradition. Still seems odd though.

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