antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

[ohbigdaddio]

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

I received a card from a couple in their 30s, on the back is a label with Mr and Mrs hisinitial theirsurname. It’s been giving me the rage ever since I saw it...

I like it but I am old and traditional. Also, my parents divorced in 1972 and I was the only girl in my year with divorced parents and in a small town it stung. I remember the head giving me a letter for my mother and explaining that it was addressed to Mrs Jane Bloggs instead of Mrs John Bloggs because as a divorced woman she could no longer use her husband's name.

I'm sorry this upset you, and I realise these things from childhood can linger, but surely you can see that abandoning this 'tradition' means that now fewer children (and women) will have that experience, and that's a good thing? Surely your example shows exactly why it's so horrible to make women define themselves constantly through marital status?

Oh God, I address envelopes with the initial of the man. Note to self not to do this again!! Some would think I'm quite a feminist type as well. I just thought it was the correct way to address envelopes and didn't give it much more thought!

I was teaching chn spellings once and Mr and Mrs was on the list. I had these little 6 year old girls in my class and I suddenly became so aware of how old fashioned this is. Why can a man's marital status be anonymous and a woman's not? I decided to make a point and added Ms to their list and told them all that they don't have to use Mrs if they don't want to. Felt like I was doing my tiny bit for women.

Well, I mean I wrote Mr and Mrs L Cox, etc, with the man's initial. Would not just address a woman and Mrs L Cox. ...., which may be what this post is more about.

I either use both initials : Mr J and Mrs P Harry or neither, so just Mr and Mrs Harry.

I think it's absolutely horrible. Taking your husband's surname is one thing, but a woman being addressed as Mrs Joe Bloggs, not Mrs Jane Bloggs, is completely subsuming her identity under her husbands. It reminds me of coverture. Husband and wife become one person, and that person is the husband.

Being 'traditional' doesn't make something good.

Haha, another one here with Dr title and birth name but the in-laws insist on Mr and Mrs John Smith. Or Mrs Fanta4 Smith when only adressing me. I also think it’s the height of rudeness.

Slight over reaction there. To be called Mrs Tom Ohbigdaddio was a perfectly acceptable way of addressing a married lady way back in the day and has never been regarded as rude.

It's regarded as rude now, and by etiquette books.

Use the woman's correct name, or it's rude.

It's an envelope, it's thrown in the bin.

I wish people would stop with the 'it's traditional'.

So was slavery in many places. So was owning women. So was saying women couldn't own property or open bank accounts or credit without a man's approval. So was 'keeping people in their place' economically, on purpose. Lots of disgusting traditions that were rightfully abandoned.

I don't like it much ether though it appears to have made an updated comeback on facebook. People who have their name and their partners name on the same profile. Who am I speaking too when that happens?

I'd be fuming too!

Haven't read the whole thread, but looks like there are at least a couple of Dr User Maidennames on here, like me :D

I try to be gracious as I know no one is being rude intentionally when we get letters to Mr and Mrs Hisname Hissurname (usually my more pretentious friends- I'm 27...), but I do feel like pointing out that we're actually both Drs and have different surnames...!

Got a bit snippy with a colleague recently who accosted me with "ah, Mrs Hissurname!" (I've been married since before I started work there and have always used my maiden name) and I replied "well, actually, it's DOCTOR BIRTHSURNAME! Ahahaha! But anyway, what's up?" Oops.

I either use both initials : Mr J and Mrs P Harry or neither, so just Mr and Mrs Harry

So do I.Sometimes I put Mrs first, too! And I fucking hate being called Mrs John / Mrs J Baubles; just as DH would hate being called Mr Ermyntrude Baubles.

Is anyone else waiting for some saddo to come on and mention DeBretts?

Hate this. One of the reasons I didn't change my surname when I got married.

My Mother in Law used to send " To my Son and his Wife" cards, they would give me the rage too. I kept my maiden name but she always addressed cards to Mrs Husbands surname. infuriating and totally sexist.

Well according to Debrett's...

Nah, kidding!

I can't see what's wrong with both initials or no initials.

If it's formal involving titles, maybe.

As in the Prince & Princess William thing.

But for everyday use it seems daft.

Really want to contact the relative and ask if this card is for me or for my DH! Might play dumb and say I wasn't sure if it was a christmas card for DH or a birthday card for me with a spelling mistake?!

Don't you think it would me much more rude to do that though daddio?

Not so much rude Raindrops as entirely batshit.

I'm another Dr... I use my husband's surname for various reasons, but all our Xmas cards have come to Mr and Mrs his initial surname. He's a bloody Dr too!

It really grates because I like the Dr title to avoid Mrs or Ms. It de-sexes you and I get more respect at work.

I hate it. One of my friends does it, and she's a bit older than me. I can just about tolerate Mr & Mrs HisSurname (I actually am MySurname HisSurname), but Mr & Mrs X HisSurname makes me cross.

Ha ha, maybe it would be Raindrops and Vladmirs! Just feeling rather annoyed!