Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

272 replies

ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 12:53

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

OP posts:
curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 10:29
Grin
Trills · 15/12/2017 10:30

Isn't it also knobbish to "flaunt" that you've got married?

Sallystyle · 15/12/2017 10:30

I don't send cards out now but when I did I used first names only.

Much simpler.

I do use my husband's surname, which I wish I hadn't done now, but I certainly didn't adopt his first name. His grandparents sends our Xmas card with Mr and Mrs Tom Edge. I can't be arsed to say anything.

If I got a birthday card addressed as Mrs Tom Edge I would not let that go.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 15/12/2017 10:32

I agree glitter but nobody has ever let me know they would prefer me to address them differently. Had they done so I'd have amended. I know two young women in their thirties who have taken their DH's names and wanted to use Mrs John Smith. I only hear the detestation for this on Mnet, not in rl

RaspberryOverload · 15/12/2017 10:38

@RaindropsandSparkles

The "correct" forms of address should only be used if the person you are addressing has not told you how they want to be addressed.

Even the etiquette tomes agree with that!

GlitterExplosion · 15/12/2017 10:38

I always ask married women how they want to be addressed, I don't just assume they want to be Mrs Dhfirstname Dhsurname. I don't think this is reasonably to be assumed. You say you know two young women who like it - are you saying that therefore all young women do? And nobody has heard me say this in real life either as I haven't said it to those who write to us to avoid causing consternation with the ILs, I just hate it and think it is rude, and plan to gently correct it with our Christmas cards this year.

I was responding to your assertion that it was "correct" - it isn't, unless it's how the woman identifies herself.

Jessesbitch · 15/12/2017 10:45

I never took DH’s name, our DC have my surname and I’m also a Dr. My own mother insists on writing cards to Mrs DH Surname. I’ve told her countless times but she says its out of respect for DH. He couldn't give a shit.

IsaSchmisa · 15/12/2017 10:55

Renfrewshire but they are not writing the "wrong" thing, they are addressing the envelope correctly.

You keep saying this, with reference to Debretts and the way things were done years ago, but none of that is evidence that it's correct now.

Given the evident reality that there isn't one overarching correct way and that you'll offend someone whatever form you use, it's equally accurate to say that someone using your personal preferred form is incorrectly addressing the envelope, it's just that you like their mistake.

It's also a bit rich for people to keep bleating on about how you only have to tell someone how you want to be addressed (there's a discussion about why the onus to prevent observance of chattel customs is on those who are opposed to them rather than those who insist on continuing them, but leave that out for a mo) when clearly plenty of people will think it rude to do so. And others will still ignore it anyway. This thread is replete with evidence of both.

GlitterExplosion · 15/12/2017 10:59

@Jessesbitch That's awful! What about respect for you?!

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 11:08

I’m not a card carrying feminist but some of the attitudes being talked of here are archaic! Respect for the husband?! Is becoming a wife considered an achievement?

WhatALoadOfBaubles · 15/12/2017 11:30

they are addressing the envelope correctly. Some of you just Don't like it

Define/explain/justify "correctly" Raindrops
Do you mean someone wrote it in a book once so it must be right? Confused

VladmirsPoutine · 15/12/2017 11:58

Is becoming a wife considered an achievement?

For some women yes. It really is. I personally don't consider it an achievement but I won't berate women that do. On a separate but related note; there's at least 1 thread a week by a woman bemoaning her partner's reluctance to propose. When others make the suggestion that it's 2017 and she could propose or xyz, nope - said poster wants to stick to the 'traditional' way of doing things... whatever that might be.

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 11:59

I don't think there is a least one thread a week, I think you a referencing one single thread, from yesterday!

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 12:02

On the wedbsite wedding bee there is a board dedicated to women “still
waiting”. Once in a while the admin remove the names of those who finally received a proposal. I just can’t relate to the feeling of desperation to be proposed to and married.

IsaSchmisa · 15/12/2017 12:28

Looking back at the thread I'm also fascinated by this:

I also hope nobody to whom I have sent a card, noting some kind words, or enclosing a gift token for a child as been ad resentful and vitriolic as some of you clearly are.

Raindrops does this mean that if you sent a card with a gift token for a child, you'd address it to Mr and Mrs Dadfirstname Dadsurname unless previously advised not to? Rather than, say, the child's own name? I might be reading you wrong but if that's what you're saying, that someone would need to specifically correct you first before it would occur to you not to do it, that's genuinely fascinating. MN really does throw up all sorts sometimes.

IsaSchmisa · 15/12/2017 12:30

I don't think there is a least one thread a week, I think you a referencing one single thread, from yesterday!

There's at least one a week from someone wanting to get married. I don't know if there's one a week from someone specifically refusing to discuss it because they're 'traditional', as opposed to other permutations. But yesterday was not the first time that has come up on here either!

Claywrangler · 15/12/2017 13:44

We always get one card addressed to Dr Hisname and Ms MyMaidenname although I have been Mrs Hisname for 20 years. I don't get terribly worked up about it, but I do feel they are trying to say that I shouldn't have changed my name - which is really not for them to say.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 13:48

That’s just as rude as the other way round clay, your choice we you say

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 15/12/2017 14:06

I only hear the detestation for this on Mnet, not in rl
l've spoken to a few RL friends about this and they all agree its totally archaic and they can't stand it Raindrops! Anyway, as someone mentioned upthread, this tradition will eventually die out with the people who insist on doing it!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 15/12/2017 14:29

I don't like this either. I did take my DH's surname on marriage, by choice although if I were marrying now I don't think I would bother changing my name. I didn't take on his first name though, and I want to be referred to as a person in my own right.

I don't bother getting publicly worked up over it, but I would certainly still correct anyone who addressed me entirely in my DH's name. I am me. I am not him.

Nor do I care much what Debretts says . Debretts can be rather archaic itself, and can fuck off.

MargaretCavendish · 15/12/2017 14:31

On the wedbsite wedding bee there is a board dedicated to women “still
waiting”. Once in a while the admin remove the names of those who finally received a proposal. I just can’t relate to the feeling of desperation to be proposed to and married.

Oh god, that's both really genuinely sad and so, so cringe. It sort of reminds me of the Reddit forum 'waiting to try' (which I stumbled across via their TTC/infertility boards - which I'd really, really recommend) - lots of the women on there are 'waiting' because they're finishing education or getting more financially established or whatever, but there are quite a large contingent who are desperate for a baby but their partner won't consider it - they post things like 'so excited because he says 2018 might be the year that he's willing to discuss it!'. I feel really sorry for them, but at the same time want to shake them and say 'stop trying to have babies with men who don't want babies with you!'. I feel the same way about women desperately waiting for proposals.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 14:55

Bloody hell Margaret!

MargaretCavendish · 15/12/2017 15:00

I had always thought that the woman pining away waiting for a proposal/baby/other sign that the man in her life returned her affections was a sexist stereotype with no grounds in reality. Turns out they are real, I just don't know anyone like that.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 15/12/2017 15:03

Clearly we have different friends then daddio.

Nervousrex · 15/12/2017 15:19

I must be getting a bit old for Mumsnet, I think. I took DPs name because I love him and I wanted to be linked to him, and even after all this time it still gives me a buzz to be referred to as "Mrs DP'sSurname".