antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

[ohbigdaddio]

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

Why should a title afford anybody more respect though Bobbin? If you expected me to address you as Dr Threadbare I would pull you up if you addressed me as Raindrops. At the very least I would expect you to ask and if you had introduced yourself as Dr Bobbin I would ask you to call me Mrs Sparkles. Simply because I am your equal and as a patient I expect you to address me in a mutually respectful way. I think It's sad that the medical profession addresses people in such a reductive way. Respect comes from being good at what you do not the title.

I have just checked Debretts and under joint forms of address it says Mr and Mrs John Brown. Not saying It's right but it seems to remain the formal rule.

I guess it's the traditional way of addressing a married couple. It doesn't happen very often and usually only when we receive formal invitations to weddings/functions. It will eventually disappear completely I guess.

raindrops
Cards addressed to both of us I'm not that bothered about as he is one of the addressees

but ones just to me with his name on hack me off

I think it's lovely , it's a nice tradition.

I think it's lovely , it's a nice tradition.
So should people call you by your husband's first name face to face?
is that nice ?

I have just checked Debretts

Bingo!

Seriously, it's just an outdated book, and if it espouses using forms that women (or anyone) find offensive - and this thread shows they do - then it's clearly wrong and should be ignored.

I think it's lovely , it's a nice tradition.

I genuinely can't imagine why anyone would think it was nice - traditional, sure, unobjectionable, well ok I disagree but fine - but actively nice? What is 'lovely' about it?

Margaret Probably the feeling of having a 'man' and 'belonging' to him.
I actually don't think it's that far removed from the occasional threads on here in which women seem to treat their husband's 'big wig' job or 100k+ salary as something to lord over others.

When I went to the Buckingham Palace tea party, they coped with giving me my own name on the invite.
In fact they coped with me using a different surname than my husband.
If Buck House can get with the times so can anybody.

I hate it too. It erases you.

Mrs Tom Surname could be replaced by a totally different woman and still be Mrs Tom Surname, whereas @ohbigdaddio cannot.

or a birthday card for me with a spelling mistake

You would ring someone to correct their spelling???
WoW

My Grandmother does this. It really don’t like it. It makes me want to just throw it in the bin.

I know it is "correct" etiquette to do this, but seriously it should not be used ever.

And anyone who uses titles like Dr in a non professional environment is a bit of a knob.

My Aunt and uncle adressed a congratulations on your engagement card to us like this. I kept my surname and did not take my husband's when I subsequently got married, and told them I would be doing so, but they did it again with our wedding card. Today I received a Christmas card addressed to Mrs MyName HisSurname MySurname and Mr HisName HisSurname, which I suppose is progress.

IMHO, anyone who uses the title Dr. that isn't a medical practitioner is a bit of a knob.

Well, if I was entitled to use Dr in any capacity I certainly would, it's nice and neutral.

Actually, if I'd put the work into getting a doctorate, I'd bloody well get "Dr" tattooed on my forehead. I'd have it on mugs and everything

IMHO, anyone who uses the title Dr. that isn't a medical practitioner is a bit of a knob.

Do you mean 'a medical practitioner who is at work at the time'? Because I can't see why it's more or less pretentious for an off-duty academic to use doctor than an off-duty GP.

IMHO, anyone who uses the title Dr. that isn't a medical practitioner is a bit of a knob.
Including University lecturers ???

And anyone who uses titles like Dr in a non professional environment is a bit of a knob.

I do secretly sort of think this too, but I do it anyway because I find people listen to me when I say 'it's Dr' but ignore me when I say 'it's Ms' and I loathe being called 'Mrs'.

Just rotted up the Christmas card envelopes from the last few days.

5 x Mr and Mrs John Smith
1 x Mr and Mrs Smith
1 x John and Jane Smith

Will add I have never had a problem with it; neither have I given it a second though. Always just thrilled to get cards and hear news.

Margaret if it works when you need it to, fine. But I have met people in a social environment who introduce themselves as Dr....
Mind you it does tell me clearly that they are not my kind of people.

When addressing a card to a married couple where the woman has definitely changed her name I use the traditional Mr and Mrs HisInitial TheirSharedSurname because I assume that if someone has chosen to change their name they have chosen to be considered as Mrs and therefore happy with other traditions. Is that assumption unreasonable?

Where they are married but no name change or not married I go for Mr HisInitial HisSurname and Ms HerInitial HerSurname. Can't bring myself to write "Jane and Tom" on an envelope, it's so untidy looking!

And as a feminist, I can't imagine knowing people who would address me as Mrs John Smith. Its Ms Crunchymint all the way.

OP "Might play dumb and say I wasn't sure if it was a christmas card for DH or a birthday card for me with a spelling mistake?!"

please do this and report back