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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

272 replies

ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 12:53

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

OP posts:

SpacePenguin · 15/12/2017 15:26

I don't mind at all when older generations do this, but I do get frustrated when it comes from people of my generation and younger. Particularly people who know that I didn't change my name - doubt they forgot because the name conversation is usually a memorable one.

Then there are various new friends of ours who know me by my own name on social media, but suddenly give me my husbands name when sending me a personal card. Very odd.

Personally, I never assume - I always either ask or check what name is used on social media.

MargaretCavendish · 15/12/2017 16:09

I took DPs name because I love him

I really resent the implication that you love your husband more than I love mine because you took his name. I also resent that no one ever suggests that my husband doesn't love me because he wouldn't take my name.

Minniemountain · 15/12/2017 16:13

It pisses me off. Especially as the only person to do it is my uncle. I always make sure I address his and aunt's card to "Mr & Mrs Surname". He probably thinks I'm rude

Mumof56 · 15/12/2017 17:32

And there's something very wrong with the judgement of anyone who thinks announcing your marital status with your title is fine

Yet announcing your marital status with an expectation of people to attend your wedding, dress up and spend money on presents for you is A-okay

IsaSchmisa · 15/12/2017 17:40

You've completely changed the meaning of that quote by leaving the second half of it out.

Nervousrex · 15/12/2017 17:44

I don't know whether I love my husband more than you love yours. I was merely writing one of my reasons for taking his name. That's all.

goose1964 · 15/12/2017 17:48

Luckily both my husband and share the same initial,as do my daughter and her husband. Solves a lot of etiquette problems

Ta1kinPeace · 15/12/2017 17:50

Because of work I deal with "ceremonial" stuff quite a lot
hence why I was at Buck House
The Mrs DHFirstname DHlastname is archaic
It WAS the correct form - now it is entirely optional.

If anybody can find me a current link stating that its the correct form
I'll pass it on to Her Maj

Renfrewshire · 15/12/2017 18:35

Ta1kin good to hear!

Ta1kinPeace · 15/12/2017 18:37

renfrew
I do not work for her, but when she wrote to me, she did not use that form so I have to assume its not compulsory

MarklahMarklah · 16/12/2017 09:39

It's hard to convey how annoying it is, but a PP explained it very well upthread by saying it feels as though your identity is erased.
Card addressed to Mr & Mrs Bloggs is fine if, indeed that is what the couple are called.
Card addressed to Mr & Mrs John Bloggs implies they are both named John.
Do people who send the latter out write in the card, "To John & Julie" or "To John and family", or should it be "To John & John who is the first John's wife and therefore doesn't qualify to have a name of her own."?

RaindropsAndSparkles · 16/12/2017 11:07

I googled it talk and a 2016 link came up I think. I wonder if Buck House didn't use it because you were getting the honour/invitation rather than your DH?

Anyway as I've said I am going to stop it if it may cause offence but I've only seen offence or heard about it on Mnet. As I've also said (We are late 50's) 80% of cards to us are addressed this way).

Just thinking wedding invitations we have received (unless It's been a second marriage not hosted by parents) have been sent from Mr and Mrs DH name, or in accordance with rules around certain honorific. Mr John Smith and the Hon Mrs Smith - because he had no entitlement to the Hon.

But I do agree it is I'll mannered not to cause offence and I shall in future avoid the possibility.

Trills · 16/12/2017 11:09

I wonder if Buck House didn't use it because you were getting the honour/invitation rather than your DH?

In the OP, the card in question is a birthday card for just the OP. She is receiving the card, not her DH.

This is not (or was not originally) a question about cards to "us", it is about cards to "just you" being addressed with your DH's first name.

buckeejit · 16/12/2017 14:07

I'd send a birthday card to the man that sent it addressed to mr 'wife name, surname'

That would really piss me off. An official wedding invite not so bad but it's not a joint birthday ffs!

GlitterExplosion · 20/12/2017 20:15

Received TWO cards today addressed to "Mr & Mrs John Smith".

The first one was the usual suspect - a (middle-aged, not elderly) relative of DH's to whom we have sent a card this year with "SENDER: John Smith and Glitter Explosion (my maiden name, which I have kept)" on the back of the envelope. DH posted our card recently so she won't have received it in time to correct the names on her card. I hope she remembers for next year as I just don't feel like her cards are addressed to me at all.

But the second was from my own middle-aged relative who (1) received my card with the same "Sender: "(but with my name first, as she's my relative) on the back over a week ago (2) knows full well I kept my own name anyway (3) addressed my Christmas card correctly in previous years (when I was also married). I fully believe that she took issue with my bare-faced use of my own name and is trying to take my silly feminist notions down a peg or two. I may put sender address in capital letters next year, if she even makes the list.

MrsExpo · 20/12/2017 20:19

Your relatives in their 70’s do this because that’s how they were taught to address a lady.

GlitterExplosion · 20/12/2017 20:25

@MrsExpo If that's directed at me, then as I said these people are not elderly. They are in their fifties. Plus one of them knows that I do not wish to be addressed this way (whereas the other ought to have had the manners to check).

In any case, there are lots of things people were taught back in the day that are not socially acceptable nowadays. FWIW My grandparents are in their nineties and they have never done this to me, not once. They have good manners and address people using the names and titles that those people use.

Finally, I'm not a "lady" whose only worth is as my husband's possession, I'm a woman with my own individual status in society, so they should address me as such.

Ta1kinPeace · 20/12/2017 20:32

Mr & Mrs is less of an issue as the first name matches one of the addressees

its the Mrs hisname alone that is indefensible

GlitterExplosion · 20/12/2017 20:58

@Ta1kinPeace I still take issue with being called Mrs Smith when my name is Ms Explosion, but being called Mrs John Smith is way, way worse. So very Handmaid's Tale, my identity totally subsumed into that of my husband...

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 20/12/2017 22:30

I'm
In my 30's and I was taught at school to
Address letters this way.
Doesn't mean I find it any less antiquated

aurynne · 20/12/2017 22:34

Reply to her card with one of your own addressed to Her Name + Her Maiden Name. When she tells you that's not her name, tell her you will start using her correct name when she does the same to you.

MarklahMarklah · 20/12/2017 23:52

So many cards in the post addressed to Mr & Mrs HisInitial HisSurname.
I've been Ms MyInitial MySurname HisSurname for 20 years!

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