Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

272 replies

ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 12:53

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 14/12/2017 13:33

Slight over reaction there. To be called Mrs Tom Ohbigdaddio was a perfectly acceptable way of addressing a married lady way back in the day and has never been regarded as rude.
You’re being far too sensitive. Would you react so negatively if your husband received a letter addressed to Mr. T. Ohbigdaddio Esq. ?

Seriously, get a fucking grip lady, there are worse names you could be called.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:34

I actually couldn't summon up the will to give a fuck about how an xmas card was addressed to me if I tried until next Christmas. It literally could not matter less to me.

But if it bothers you that much why not call up elderly friends and relatives and tell them how out of touch they are and how what they were taught was polite and correct is now offensive and boils your piss? That will delight them with the spirit of the season, no doubt.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 13:35

Usually only people over 80 do this. So it won't be a problem for long. I don't mean to sound harsh but you're not going to change things now.

Shufflebumnessie · 14/12/2017 13:36

I really don't like it. Although I guess it better to be addressed like that rather than the year I had a birthday card addressed to Mrs.?????. The person knew I'd got married but had forgotten my new surname. Not sure why they couldn't have just written my maiden name, or even just 'Shuffle'. It made me felt like I didn't really exist as an individual anymore (can't really explain it properly!).

Justcallmecaptainobvious · 14/12/2017 13:37

I would be livid - it's bad enough when it's addressed to both partners, but to just you is awful!

Whether or not you've changed your surname should be irrelevant for this one in my opinion - addressing "Mr and Mrs Hisname Surname" is erasing her identity. Yes, if you have relatives who want to be addressed as such then their individual wishes override it, but it's an awful assumption to make otherwise.

knottybeams · 14/12/2017 13:37

My parents have taken this, confused it and run with it. So this morning I got a Christmas card addressed to "Dr & Mr K Beams" Gotta love a non gendered title!

Cackleberry4 · 14/12/2017 13:38

My FIL sent me a cheque paid to Mrs Husbands Name. I took it to the bank and explained he was old school, it was low value and they accepted it.

None of my peers address me in such manner but I accept that those of a much later generation do. The

FizzyGreenWater · 14/12/2017 13:38

Send out an email letting them all know that you are now a Brigadier.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/12/2017 13:38

It’s correct. Mrs means ‘property of’.
If you don’t like it then don’t used Mrs and don’t change your surname.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:39

Mrs does not mean property of. Where do people get this shit from?
Mrs is the abbreviation of Mistress, which just meant woman.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 13:40

My mother does this. Misogynistic woman. Vile to me. When I asked her to stop addressing me in this way, she snorted in superiority.

MrsHathaway · 14/12/2017 13:42

FWIW I was setting up a new direct debit over the phone today and they asked for my title. I asked what the options were.

Mr
Mrs
Ms
Miss
Dr

"No Supreme Overlord of the Universe?" I asked hopefully. Alas no. I went for Ms, suggesting I would smash the patriarchy one tiny defiant act at a time.

Fortunately I had the right kind of person on the end of the line who was happy to indulge me and was chuckling along. But seriously, why does a flea treatment company need to know whether I'm married or not?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 14/12/2017 13:46

I'm going to start telling people my title is "The"

The Caroline Jones
The Anna Jenkins

If there's no box for The, I will make my own.

OVienna · 14/12/2017 13:47

I don't have an issue with it. But - I am very, very rarely addressed as Mrs anyway, as I use Ms for work which is where I would mostly find a title used.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/12/2017 13:48

I think for a ‘joint’ letter/card it’s fine. Mr & Mrs T Smith.

For a letter/card ONLY to the woman (as your birthday card is) it’s a bit ‘off’ BUT if the person is older then I think we should accept that to them this IS the ‘correct’ way to address an envelope and not make a fuss. It’s hard in a changing world to know what’s acceptable & what no longer isn’t.

Secondly, the address on the envelope gets something from A to B. It really, really doesn’t matter what’s on it as long as it does it’s job. Be pleased or miffed about the actual content of the envelope instead of fussing about the stuff on the outside. Life’s just too short.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 14/12/2017 13:48

Pricilla you "get a fucking grip" and accept that some of us care about this.

It's not a personal threat to you.

Or is it?

RaspberryOverload · 14/12/2017 13:48

To be called Mrs Tom Ohbigdaddio was a perfectly acceptable way of addressing a married lady way back in the day and has never been regarded as rude.

Just because it wasn't considered rude then, doesn't mean it can't be considered rude now. Things change, and many women don't want to be treated as if they were still inferior to their husbands, which this form of address implies.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 14/12/2017 13:49

Annie well, as you can see here, it's NOT "fine"

Women have names of their own.

Why write "Mr and Mrs T Smith" when they're not both T?

DasPepe · 14/12/2017 13:50

Send it back! Cross it out and say "no such so and so at this address"

:)

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/12/2017 13:51

I'm marriage free so it won't happen to me, but I can utterly see how it would make anyone else livid. I'd be tempted to write 'return to sender' and send it back.

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 14/12/2017 13:55

It's like in the Anne of Green Gables books isn't it? She's Mrs Dr Blythe after her marriage. Women who are married to church elders are Mrs Elder Johnson etc. Gross.

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 13:55

PriscillaQueenofTheDesert thats a bit harsh! I'm not having a nervous breakdown over it. I realise it's not really a major problem but was just venting that it really gets my goat!

Good to hear I'm not alone with my annoyance. Said relatives are in their early 70s and know me well. As l said, I roll my eyes when I see an envelope addressed to me and DH in this way but a birthday card for me alone titled 'Mrs Tom HisSurname' seems f*ing insane! 😊

OP posts:
Iliketosmile · 14/12/2017 13:57

Grrr, try Dr and Mrs Hisintial hissurname. 1. 1. If he's going get his Dr. Title , I want mine. They are equivalent.

  1. We're not married
  2. His initial only
They are supposed to be friends of ours. Gives me the rage.
FireCracker2 · 14/12/2017 13:58

I do this for xmas cards because I write them and then look up the addresses .I have maybe 10 Mr & Mrs Crackers so i do use the Christian names so I know which is which when I write the addresses on.
Another thing- how to address 2 unmarried sisters- The Misses Cracker ??

Natsku · 14/12/2017 14:00

I thankfully don't get annoying crap like this because I'm not married (and wouldn't take OH's name even if I was) and nobody uses titles in Finland so letters etc. get addressed to my full name.