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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

272 replies

ohbigdaddio · 14/12/2017 12:53

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 16:32

But I have met people in a social environment who introduce themselves as Dr....

Well, I'd never ever introduce myself as Dr Cavendish, but then nor would I ever introduce myself as Ms Cavendish - obviously I just say 'hi, I'm Margaret'. But I guess I do use it socially in that I think most of my friends would address a card to me as 'Dr Cavendish', and there were quite a few 'Mr and Dr' jokes around our wedding.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 14/12/2017 16:33

Some women like it.
Meh.

So does that mean that all women have to put up and shut up?

mistermagpie · 14/12/2017 16:35

I'm married but kept my birth name and Ms (I used Ms before I was married). My in-laws still address everything to Mr & Mrs Husbandsname. Cards to just me are Mrs Husbandsname.

If I correct them they without fail claim to not know my surname. This is despite them being friends with me on SM and whatsapp etc where my name is clearly stated. They could also check with DH if they really didn't know.

It's fucking rude. And it's not just the elderly ones, some of the young people (women mainly, oddly) are even worse! It's all 'but you're not really a family if you don't share a name' tinkly laugh...

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 14/12/2017 16:36

I was whinging about this yesterday to my DH.

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 16:37

It's all 'but you're not really a family if you don't share a name' tinkly laugh...

Jesus. How shallow would your relationship have to be that you felt a name was all that linked you?

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 14/12/2017 16:39

I'm more than ok with people using Dr if it's their title- why not.

I do get annoyed with people that have their email signatures as 'David Brown BA Hons'

Who cares.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/12/2017 16:41

Ta1kinPeace Yes. Especially them.

crunchymint · 14/12/2017 16:41

Putting BA Hons or similar is pretentious. I do sometimes put letters after my name in a professional environment (specific job related qualification). But never otherwise.

Ta1kinPeace · 14/12/2017 16:43

Vladimir
Why ?
If you are at a University Event, lots of people are Doc such and such, others are Prof such and such (often with the first name in conversation eg Doc Mike and Prof Mary)
its a way to recognise the hard work that got them where they are

Ta1kinPeace · 14/12/2017 16:44

PS
I have no problem with Mr and Mrs Bill Peace
I have no problem with Mrs Peace
At Work I am Ms or Miss Talk
But I LOATHE Mrs Bill Talk
if the card is not addressed to him, why use his first name

mistermagpie · 14/12/2017 16:48

Margaret it's also such a weird way to think, so am I connected in some familial way to all the randoms out there who just happen to share my surname but not to my actual husband?

oliveinacampervan · 14/12/2017 16:49

This has never happened to me, ever. I have never been called or addressed as 'Mrs John Campervan.' Never happened. Not in 20 years of marriage.

These threads do bring out the bashers ranting at women who change their surname to their husband's surname though. Like it has anything to do with them.

Lentilbaby · 14/12/2017 16:50

This thread has reminded of 2 funny TV programme scenes:

  1. Peter and Judith Surname (Come Fly With Me)

  2. ‘Oh....you’re two doctors?’ (Basil Fawlty)

Grin
Mumof56 · 14/12/2017 16:53

These threads do bring out the bashers ranting at women who change their surname to their husband's surname though. Like it has anything to do with them

Yes, especially those who hate traditions, yet went down the traditional route of getting married Hmm

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/12/2017 16:53

But I have met people in a social environment who introduce themselves as Dr....

It is very bad manners to do this. You introduce yourself with first name surname

TooManyPaws · 14/12/2017 16:56

Not married but would have no interest in changing my name. In Scots Law anyway, my birth name would remain my legal name, any other as a legal alias, which is why you send women referred to as Mary Smith or Brown in legal documents.

Being of a certain age, I have no problems with being addressed as Mrs Paws given that it is an abbreviation of Mistress which originally was given to all adult women.

I feel that I'm the traditional one, given that the habit of changing surname to the husband's didn't catch on in Scotland until the 19th century 😂

If asked, I always give Ms.

oliveinacampervan · 14/12/2017 16:58

@Tootifilou

My Mother in Law used to send " To my Son and his Wife" cards, they would give me the rage too.

WHY? Confused

She WAS sending the card to her son and his wife.

Fuck me, people just love to find something to get offended about. Your poor MIL. I wonder if she knew the contempt you felt for her?! Sad

SelenaValentina · 14/12/2017 17:02

My DH died in July. I really wish I wasn't getting cards addressed to Mrs Selena Oojamaflip Xmas Sad.

Quite honestly, I can think of lots of other stuff to get agitated about.

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 17:03

Yes, especially those who hate traditions, yet went down the traditional route of getting married

Yes because if you don't like patriarchal hangovers then screw you, you don't deserve the legal protections of marriage, right?

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 17:05

If you are at a University Event, lots of people are Doc such and such, others are Prof such and such (often with the first name in conversation eg Doc Mike and Prof Mary)

I've never found this to be true anywhere I've worked, including one of the UK's most prestigious/stuffiest universities. It has always been first names all the way among the staff, and mostly with the students, too.

MoreHairyThanScary · 14/12/2017 17:15

OP this really irritates me too, worst of all it comes from the school. I have no objection to Mr and Mrs X but to include my husbands initial is just archaic, and not what I want to teach my DD's. ( had another letter from school today and just slightly seething). It just reinforces the patriarchical crap.

Kahlua4me · 14/12/2017 17:21

Doesn’t bother me at all actually. I have no time to get worked up about somebody doing something nice for me, ie sending a card, but not in the way I want it to be done. I know it is meant for me and the thought was good and that’s enough for me.

Goodness knows how anybody is supposed to remember how each individual wants to be addressed as well as finding time to write to them in the first place....

RaspberryRipple63 · 14/12/2017 18:07

Yes I used to hate this with a vengeance when I was married. I used to think 'Is it not enough that I've taken his surname,without changing my first name to his too?!'

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 18:11

I have no time to get worked up about somebody doing something nice for me, ie sending a card, but not in the way I want it to be done.

So glad you found the time to post about it on mumsnet, though! The thing is it isn't actually that nice to address someone in a way they find offensive.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/12/2017 18:13

What if the couple in question are using Mx, or are using gender-neutral pronouns/terms of address...? Then what? You miserable bigots! Grin

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