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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend

207 replies

twiney · 13/12/2017 09:41

I'm going to try and keep this short and objective.

Me and my BF of one year are moving in together after him basically living at mine.

We found an amazing new place that has a balcony leading on to a huge massive rooftop terrace. The terrace is huge and has 360 degree views of the city (140m2).

The apartment fits all his criteria and I like it too - except one of my major criteria was having outdoor space for my beloved cats, which is why we originally were looking at houses.

I will be paying the vast majority of the rent and will need to find the deposit money, because I make a lot more than him.

I found a company that specialises in catproofing terraces so I want to pay them to come abd fit out the terrace. This means we can still enjoy it, but as a bonus the cats will have a massive and SAFE rooftop playground to enjoy. Theres no way in hell I would let them out without it and I would be nervous they would slip out to the unprotected rooftop as cats ofteb do.

My boyfriend refuses to have the terrace secured as he says the chickenwire style fencing around the rooftop will ruin the view. He says we should catproof the small balcony but leave the terrace open.

Who is BU? I see his point that its annoying. But I love my cats and he knows that my major priority in moving was getting them some space.

I also admit to feeling a little resentment - im the one doing most of the shelling out here, so shouldnt he just enjoy having an amazing flat at subsidised rent and let me get on with it?

But maybe AIBU

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/12/2017 13:17

OP why did he stealth move in? Where's his place that he's meant to be living?

liminality · 13/12/2017 13:34

I have had catas and they have to be extremely old or extremely ill before that would be a problem without a fence. Cats are agile and clever if they are already outdoor cats. They'll be absolutely fine. That fence is absolutely hideous and totally defeats the point of having an amazing rooftop terrace.

Not splitting the rent down the middle is weird. I'd never do that with a boyfriend. Not until we are in a fully committed relationship and / or marriage scenario - like - he was studying so I work for a few years, then he works while i'm at home with the kids. Boyfriends pay their way. AND they do the dishes, toilet cleaning etc. If they don't want to join in with common household tasks, THEY pay for the cleaner.

Fishface77 · 13/12/2017 13:38

Op you'll be back here in 8 months 17 days complaining about him. He's a cocklodger. He's hoovered and mopped and what? What about when you have kids?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 13:41

I think you are being a bit judgemental about the DP.

Less educated does NOT automatically mean thick!

Less well-paid does NOT automatically mean Cocklodger

Wanting not to spend ££££'s on someone else's property in order to cat-profit and ruin the wonderful panoramic views does NOT automatically mean he's trying to call the shots!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 13:42

*cat-proof it, not cat profit Hmm

liminality · 13/12/2017 13:43

I've had cats all my life is what I meant to say...

harridan50 · 13/12/2017 13:45

Find a house the cats will be miserable and you will feel resentful

Original poster
twiney · 13/12/2017 13:51

@liminality
Sorry you mean they would be fine on the rooftop with no fencing?

The thing is there is a chest high rail. All it takes is a cat to think once "ooh, wonder whats on top of that?" and bam, its over the other side.

OP posts:
tobitcoinornottobitcoin · 13/12/2017 13:52

Are you SURE this guy is THE ONE?

Do you want to be with someone who is so different to you? So dozy...

ZoeWashburne · 13/12/2017 13:56

I mean, it is your decision, so do what you want. But all things being equal, that fence looks awful. I completely agree with your BF there is no point paying for the views and putting up that prison wire. Seriously, it is such an eyesore.

I would suggest you find a better place that is on the ground floor if you are so concerned about your cats.

But you sound very judgmental of him anyway. Are you sure you want to be with him, or are you just using this as an excuse.

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2017 15:21

he's moaning about your wanting to secure things for your cats which you love dearly?

Yes, he doesn't seem worried about the cost of the expensive flat (that's mostly being borne by OP anyway) but is suddenly concerned about the cost of the fencing? Nah. Not enough of a team player. Keep looking for a better flat and boyfriend

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/12/2017 15:34

If a man earns more money, its family money and he shouldn't use that as leverage to have more of a say than the woman, as that makes him "abusive" and teh woman should LTB.
If a man makes less than the woman, she should call the shots and he's nothing but a cocklodger, even if he's working long hours.
FFS. You're a team, no matter how much money each of you makes. Regardless of who earns what, each of you should put in the same % of your salary and then be treated as an equal team member who gets an equal say. More money doesn't mean someone gets more say.

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 15:43

Thanks, he's such a lovely cat, a gentle giant and so placid. He's 4 and a half now
If he ever wants a holiday, he is welcome here.

melj1213 · 13/12/2017 15:52

Sorry you mean they would be fine on the rooftop with no fencing?

The thing is there is a chest high rail. All it takes is a cat to think once "ooh, wonder whats on top of that?" and bam, its over the other side.

When I lived in Spain the last flat we lived in was a top floor flat in a 15 floor building and we had a huge balcony that wrapped around the entire flat (half the building as there were two flats per floor) and our cats did just fine without us needing to put up fencing.

I was very wary at first and I made sure to keep the cats inside for a few weeks first so they could get comfortable with the flat first - one of them loved to sleep on the window ledge of DD's bedroom and would always be sitting at the door hoping to be let outside for the first couple of weeks. When I did let them out I made sure I was there but let them explore and both of them just nosed around the space, checked out the balcony furniture (got to check out which of the chairs/sofa were the comfiest for afternoon naps) and then both did a lap of the balcony walking along the stone balcony rail (which was fortunately fairly wide)

After assessing the lay of the land, one of my cats wasn't fussed about being outside and would generally only come outside of we were all sitting out there and she felt left out and the other one would spend all her time curled up either sleeping on the balcony sofa or on the balcony rail.

Neither of them ever jumped over the balcony rails nor came to any harm from not having the balcony enclosed entirely with prison fences (which they would probably have seen as a challenge to escape from rather than a resource to keep them safe)

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 15:54

If a man makes less than the woman, she should call the shots and he's nothing but a cocklodger, even if he's working long hours.
FFS. You're a team, no matter how much money each of you makes. Regardless of who earns what, each of you should put in the same % of your salary and then be treated as an equal team member who gets an equal say. More money doesn't mean someone gets more say.

harshbuttrue have you even RTFT? How are they a team FFS, when the boyfriend lived at OP's rent free despite working and also does fuck all housework? And is more concerned about his bloody view then helping to keep the cats safe?

liminality · 13/12/2017 21:44

twiney yep totally, see melj1213's response. Most cats, if they haven't been mollycoddled inside all their lives, are going to be just fine.
I lived in apartments, warehouses, busy roads, you name it. My cats have always been accustomed to outdoor living and have been fine. I think maybe some fully indoor animals would be more at risk, but then, you wouldn't want them outside at all in that case.
Cats are agile little buggers! I wouldn't consider fencing it for a second.

Gaudeamus · 14/12/2017 01:05

Glad you've found a compromise on the fence - personally I don't mind it and would still enjoy the terrace.

However, I do think you'd be better finding somewhere where you can pay half each. This will give you equal ownership, which is important so that neither of you ends up resentful that your larger contribution gets you no more authority over decisions, and so that you both feel obliged to contribute equally to running the home.

soddingsoda · 14/12/2017 01:28

I must admit I do think that fence is awful. It looks like the new fence around the local high rise car park as too many people were sadly jumping off..

My good friend lives in a flat in NY with a rooftop and with her cat she puts it on an extendable lead. The cat is happy as he still gets to wander sunbathe in the sun but also gets good views. In the summer we quite often sit up top with a beer or she hosts a fair amount of parties up there too. It really wouldn't have the same vibe with that fence but then again she doesn't even have railings people hang their legs off the top as they don't realise we don't have 9 lives

notangelinajolie · 14/12/2017 01:58

Your cats are part of the package and seeing as you are paying the majority of the rent he should shut up and put up and not be moaning about the cat proofing. But tbh I really don't think a roof top terrace is a good space for cats. It might be his perfect pad but I don't think it is yours. Stick to your original plan and look for somewhere with a garden.

MistressDeeCee · 14/12/2017 03:02

I don't like the look of the chicken wire. He is right that it will spoil the view. It's a bit concerning that you see yourself as being the "money lady" in relationship. Do you expect that to enable you to call all the shots in life?

Only there are a lot of women out there who won't let a man rule them because he is main earner. Equally and sadly, there are many women that do. It's why I think type and level should go for the same, in relationships. So nobody feels more money gives them higher status

In your shoes I'd have chosen a different flat, with your cats in mind. I love cats and just can't see that this is suitable for them. I'm sure you could have compromised. Unless you really do feel you've put in more work and earn more so you have more say as it were..in which case why not just go for it? Doesn't sound like you need his money. Then he's the option to move in with you, or not.

I don't think it's fair that him having an opinion will result in replies along the lines that he has a cheek to open his mouth, is some sort of loser etc, just because you earn more. It screams working class snobbery that values people via money and not much else

There's an imbalance. In your shoes feeling as you do, I'd be moving in with just my beloved cats.

Broken11Girl · 14/12/2017 03:18

That fencing is hideous. I'd feel like I was in some kind of institution.
Cats aren't stupid, and have a good sense of self-preservation, I think they'd be fine - but if you aren't comfortable don't go for this place.
It's not fair to say he doesn't get a say because he earns less.

MistressDeeCee · 14/12/2017 03:43

If this man lives rent free, does no housework - I would love to know - at what point is a woman supposed to take responsibility for being an enabler and encourager of laziness? Why bend over backwards for a man in this way, then now be saying he should not have a say in anything?

I ask this partly as, there are "smotherers" out there who will do every little thing for a partner but its about control, deep down. The invisible rule - "I do everything so that what I say goes". Defiance of that is taken to heart.

I still think it should be just you & the cats in new home OP

Doobigetta · 14/12/2017 03:58

I have a cat in an upper floor flat. She can only be allowed on the balcony with a harness and lead, because however calm she seems to be, sooner or later she climbs onto the barrier and attempts to launch herself off. And she'd be pretty determined at wriggling underneath any fencing. However, we do take her downstairs and let her out into the garden. She can't come and go entirely as she pleases, but we just go and check if she's ready to come in every now and again. And we have a little cat house so she can stay dry if she gets stuck in the rain. That she never uses, because she tailgates people into the building and then hangs around looking cute until someone takes her into their flat for a cuddle and some unsuitable food.

Dafspunk · 14/12/2017 04:25

I was totally with you until I saw that pic - hideous. Agree with your boyf - it totally ruins it.

Dafspunk · 14/12/2017 04:25

So totally that I totally had to repeat myself. Totally.