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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend

207 replies

twiney · 13/12/2017 09:41

I'm going to try and keep this short and objective.

Me and my BF of one year are moving in together after him basically living at mine.

We found an amazing new place that has a balcony leading on to a huge massive rooftop terrace. The terrace is huge and has 360 degree views of the city (140m2).

The apartment fits all his criteria and I like it too - except one of my major criteria was having outdoor space for my beloved cats, which is why we originally were looking at houses.

I will be paying the vast majority of the rent and will need to find the deposit money, because I make a lot more than him.

I found a company that specialises in catproofing terraces so I want to pay them to come abd fit out the terrace. This means we can still enjoy it, but as a bonus the cats will have a massive and SAFE rooftop playground to enjoy. Theres no way in hell I would let them out without it and I would be nervous they would slip out to the unprotected rooftop as cats ofteb do.

My boyfriend refuses to have the terrace secured as he says the chickenwire style fencing around the rooftop will ruin the view. He says we should catproof the small balcony but leave the terrace open.

Who is BU? I see his point that its annoying. But I love my cats and he knows that my major priority in moving was getting them some space.

I also admit to feeling a little resentment - im the one doing most of the shelling out here, so shouldnt he just enjoy having an amazing flat at subsidised rent and let me get on with it?

But maybe AIBU

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 13/12/2017 11:15

I don't think it's very ideal to have cats prancing around on rooftop gardens as their only outdoor space. I'm with your boyfriend here. What is the point of having a lovely rooftop garden with wire fencing like some sort of Alcatraz. Just seen the photo of the fencing. It's simply awful. Sorry.

KioskKeithForPresident · 13/12/2017 11:16

AnnieAnoniMouse

They’re NOT married.
It’s a NEW relationship.
They don’t have a child he’s caring for...

Anymore fundamental differences you’d like to completely overlook

Nope. There are no fundamental differences here that matter because their relationship is serious enough to move in together and the initial behaviour patterns at that stage sets a template for life.

In a serious relationship you should expect

  • both partners to want the other to be happy.
  • both partners to want the best for the other person (within reason at not at massive personal cost)
  • partners to be a team

AND (this is the most important part) neither person to think that they have priority over the other person because of some personal attribute or that they will use that attribute as a trump card or a way to put the other person down.

Doesn't matter what the attribute is - using it as a trump card/put other down is unacceptable

  • I have the final say because I have more money and I'm paying. (You are a freedloading waster subtext)
  • I have the final say because I am cleverer than you. (You are thick)
  • My opinion counts for more because I am more educated than you (You don't know what you are talking about)
  • I am of more value because I am hot and good looking (You are fat and ugly and no one else would want you).

Doesn't matter whether you are married or have a child, these are base level fair expectations. Setting a pattern like this is a road to argument and resentment.

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 11:16

Vivienne - have you read the thread?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/12/2017 11:18

OP, is it that you're on amazing wages and he's on normal wages, or is it that you're on quite good wages and he only works when he feels like it/is self-employed (can't tell you how many tossers talked about on Relationships are self-employed)/doesn't work as hard as he could so he's in a crap job?

KioskKeithForPresident · 13/12/2017 11:18

My post above cuts both ways by the way. It's not just directed at OP.

So he should be also looking to compromise and work as a team and for her to be happy.

That's why my advice is either find somewhere else or split up - as this apartment is a road to long term resentment on one side whatever happens.

SuperVeggie · 13/12/2017 11:20

Things this is not about:

  • Cats
  • Terraces
  • Views
  • Fences
  • Landlords

Things this is about:

  • Mutual respect
  • Division of labour (around the house, life admin, etc)
  • Communication
  • Finances and your views on money
  • Relationship compatibility
Scabbersley · 13/12/2017 11:20

No help but that fencing is absolutely horrible. I would hate it too.

Annorlunda5 · 13/12/2017 11:22

You need to check if your landlord is going to be OK with the fencing. Regardless of whether you pay the rent, it still belongs to the landlord.

The cat-proofing looks ridiculous and horrible. It looks like some kind of secure unit, not a homely terrace.

I'm genuinely shocked that you would even consider this for a cat. Cats are good climbers/balancers/fallers. If you had a garden would you make it escape-proof too? Unless your cat's aren't the roam-free type and are complete indoor cats?

AnaWinter · 13/12/2017 11:23

What about a glass or Perspex wall instead? Probably safer for the cats and won’t ruin the view

Annorlunda5 · 13/12/2017 11:26

Kiosk

I have to disagree. In a situation where one person is more educated than the other, the more educated one may be right about something that the other person is not. Is is really wrong to point out that you are in fact correct? I don't think so. If someone had a really dumb idea, glare you really found to stand around trying to compromise when you know their idea is based on wrong info or is just plain crazy/ludicrous?

Viviennemary · 13/12/2017 11:28

Sorry I didn't read the full thread. I'd be extremely surprised if you get permission to erect that fencing on a rented flat anyway. But maybe you will as you've explained. No it isn't fair you do all the chores.

The fencing is an eyesore. Fact. But I read your post OP on page 4 and you are taking a sensible approach to this. It's a difficult one.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/12/2017 11:33

@twiney, this is a mahoosive, entitled cocklodger alert !
He is already ruining your dreams, yet couldn't live his, without your financial back up.
If he truly loved you, he would be considerate of the love you have for your cats, after all, they came first.
Imagine, the doors open, the puss cats basking in the sunshine, bliss.
Make sure the flat is in your name only.
Also, he sounds controlling, be doubly sure, you're doing the right thing, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache.

KellyBarclay · 13/12/2017 11:34

Bloody hell that fencing is horrible, like what you would have at a military base or prison. But that's irrelevant.

Whilst you are paying the majority, you're not paying everything so you have to take your partner's views and come to a compromise.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 11:39

It'll be like living in Durham 'E' Wing.

I speak as a cat lover and owner. To do this (even if you are allowed) would totally ruin the terrace. However, you are NBU to give your cats priority - they have no choice where they live and it is your responsibility to ensure that they have somewhere appropriate.

Forget the flat - look for a house, not to near a heavy road, and with a decent garden.

carefreeeee · 13/12/2017 11:41

It shouldn't be about money. You have to accept either, live somewhere cheap and pay half each, or live somewhere nicer and you pay more.

You need to accept that both partners are equal. On the one hand you think you get more say as you are paying and on the other he thinks he has more say because?????? it's not clear why he should.

You both need to agree that the cats are important, as are the chores, and approach as if you were paying equally. If he was virtually living at yours he should have been helping with the chores before. If he wasn't that's a really bad sign.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2017 11:41

Twiney,

re your comment:-
"Whats pissing me off ATM is how everything is basically left to me and then suddenly hes interested when his precious view is under threat".

Correct. But your problems are far greater than just mere fencing for your cats because your relationship is all about him really. Your needs and wants are but of secondary concern to him even if they do feature which they do not.

Why are you together at all actually; he does seem like a albatross around your neck. I can see the attractions for him as he is a cocklodger but what do you get out of this relationship of a year's standing exactly?.

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 11:42

Of course
Thank you.

He is great, so much to cuddle.

How old is he??

fruitbrewhaha · 13/12/2017 11:43

You've only been together a year but have already been looking for a place together for months.
Why the hurry?
I don't think you know him well enough. He is already showing a side to him that is a bit off. To me the issue is that you are doing all the house hunting, running around and that you do all the chores.

Why do you earn so much more than him? Is it because you work in different industries where his pay is less but works hard at a worthy job or is it because he is, well, not very driven? Bit of a slacker?

Hissy · 13/12/2017 11:44

it isnt very attractive, no.

But what is REALLY ugly is what this bloke is trying...

in only a year he has de facto moved in.

You need to protect yourself better here. Put the flat in your name only. I would suggest that actually he doesnt move in with you officially, and that he should look for somewhere to stay

SwimmingInLemonade · 13/12/2017 11:44

Apart from the LL potentially being less sure about signing up a single person, it sounds like all your problems would be solved by losing the DP. I personally wouldn't want to have cats in an apartment like that but if you're sure you (and any guests) can be vigilant in keeping them safe, it's not an issue for you.

The issue is that you're with a manchild who wants to live with you if it means you take care of all the bills, housework and general wifework, but doesn't care enough about your pets to ensure their safety. You wouldn't want to have kids with someone like this, so if kids are in your future (or even if you're not) you might as well save yourself a lot of hassle and ditch him now.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 11:46

PersianCatLady

Thanks, he's such a lovely cat, a gentle giant and so placid. He's 4 and a half now

Gemini69 · 13/12/2017 11:46

AnnieAnoniMouse

This.... with bells on Xmas Grin

PastaOfMuppets · 13/12/2017 11:47

This thread needs more photos of cats

OP, fwiw I'd ditch the man and focus on the cats

Hissy · 13/12/2017 11:50

I think swimming pools look far nicer all open and uncontained...
Ponds and lakes too...

But then when you have kids, you have to 'spoil the view' to protect them.

Cats WILL chase birds, they have to. They will only stop chasing birds when they are too old to manage to do it. Kids at least grow up and get less of a risk around water.

Sanshin · 13/12/2017 11:51

Not read the full thread but that fencing is horrible and it does spoil the balcony. Either get rid of the cats or choose a different flat. If I was your landlord I'd be fuming to see that monstrosity up.

I'd also get rid of the boyfriend, he sounds like a domineering freeloader.

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