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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend

207 replies

twiney · 13/12/2017 09:41

I'm going to try and keep this short and objective.

Me and my BF of one year are moving in together after him basically living at mine.

We found an amazing new place that has a balcony leading on to a huge massive rooftop terrace. The terrace is huge and has 360 degree views of the city (140m2).

The apartment fits all his criteria and I like it too - except one of my major criteria was having outdoor space for my beloved cats, which is why we originally were looking at houses.

I will be paying the vast majority of the rent and will need to find the deposit money, because I make a lot more than him.

I found a company that specialises in catproofing terraces so I want to pay them to come abd fit out the terrace. This means we can still enjoy it, but as a bonus the cats will have a massive and SAFE rooftop playground to enjoy. Theres no way in hell I would let them out without it and I would be nervous they would slip out to the unprotected rooftop as cats ofteb do.

My boyfriend refuses to have the terrace secured as he says the chickenwire style fencing around the rooftop will ruin the view. He says we should catproof the small balcony but leave the terrace open.

Who is BU? I see his point that its annoying. But I love my cats and he knows that my major priority in moving was getting them some space.

I also admit to feeling a little resentment - im the one doing most of the shelling out here, so shouldnt he just enjoy having an amazing flat at subsidised rent and let me get on with it?

But maybe AIBU

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 11:51

This thread needs more photos of cats

You are right Muppets

I knew there was something missing . . .

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 11:52

get rid of the cats

WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT!!!!! Angry

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 13/12/2017 11:52

He does not sound great at all which I would say is a bigger issue then the cat problem but you are wrong to bring your income into the equation insofar as who has a greater say in household decisions.

It’s funny on here how people perceive household income depending on who earns the lions share of it.

Sanshin · 13/12/2017 11:54

SchadenfreudePersonified Well I wouldn't normally recommend getting rid of pets but if it's a choice between the flat or the cats, OP has to prioritise. That flat is not suitable for cats!

FluffyWuffy100 · 13/12/2017 12:00

I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money.

My god, I need a 'partner' like you. Meal ticket AND bottle washer. What amazing self esteem you must have.

Haint · 13/12/2017 12:03

Do you need to cat proof? do cats fall off stuff?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 12:03

You are right Sanshin.

The flat has to go,

Sanshin · 13/12/2017 12:05

That would be my decision too. The fencing looks like something that would surround a prison on medium security hospital. I wouldn't want to live in a flat with that crap around it.

Catra · 13/12/2017 12:07

I wouldn't personally rent a flat like the one described if I had cats - the fencing is hideous and there's still no guarantee it's cat proof.

However, the cats and the fencing are the least of your worries, OP. Why the hell would you want to move in with a man who sits you back and lets you do all the chores when you're also the main breadwinner?! Is that really a good basis for an equal relationship??!

Clippityclop79 · 13/12/2017 12:07

If I had a BF who put a view before my cats' welfare he'd be in the bin.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 12:09

do cats fall off stuff?

Ours do. All the bloody time! Envy

Scabbersley · 13/12/2017 12:09

You cant have cats in a flat like that.

StrangeLookingParasite · 13/12/2017 12:17

How nice he has found a flat that fits all his criteria AND has someone to fund it for him.

I was thinking that.

He is not in a position to be making demands, and the fact that you can't trust him to keep your cats safe...really bad sign.

Slaylormoon · 13/12/2017 12:29

OP, you can get some really lovely enclosed cat runs with towers inside, and have them custom built. Way easier to disassemble and a lot nicer!

The boyfriend needs to go in the bin though.

KioskKeithForPresident · 13/12/2017 12:32

Annorlunda5

Kiosk

I have to disagree. In a situation where one person is more educated than the other, the more educated one may be right about something that the other person is not. Is is really wrong to point out that you are in fact correct? I don't think so.

You've totally missed the point - and your comment suggests you are exactly the sort of person who would do what I was referring to!!

In a particular situation within a relationship, if objectively an idea is not in the best interests of both parties - that is because THAT IDEA is not objectively in the best interest of both parties. It's easy to discuss that in that way.

The same is true here in the OPs situation - its easy to reach a compromise (even if that conclusion is they need to find another property that suits them both) without the OP saying "I'm the one with the money so he can lump it"

You don't win that argument by pointing out that "I am more educated so OF COURSE I AM RIGHT!" That sort of behaviour is displaying exactly the "trump card" put the other person down mentality I was talking about.

If you seriously think that you are so much cleverer and more educated than your partner that you need to always be pointing this out in disagreements, then you are in the wrong relationship and incompatible.

Its the trump card undermining mentality that is the problem - whether that is "I have more money" or whatever.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/12/2017 12:35

I cant trust him to be as meticulous. Its annoying
Not being able to trust him to keep your cats safe is a bad sign. If you have children together will you be able to trust him to keep them safe or will he be careless with them too?

I've done all the leg work for finding and getting us this place
Why hasn't he been working just as hard finding a place? Another bad sign. He's lazy. He leaves things for you to do so he doesn't have to.

I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money
Why isn't he doing his share? Does he consider household chores "wifework" so doesn't want to do them, or do you insist on doing all the chores yourself?

If I were you I'd put getting a joint tennancy on the back burner until you have dealt with these issues. Plus the flat is not suitable unless you get the fencing, which I agree with him on - it looks horrible. This could end up being a constant issue between you, so either get the property yourself and cat proof it, or look at living together somewhere more cat-friendly (after you've sorted out the other issues!)

Fairy lights would soften that fence
search lights and gun turrets are the norm for that fence
LOL! Grin

NoSquirrels · 13/12/2017 12:41

If your cats are currently indoor cats, then I’d go with the enclosed balcony with cat run off it, and a cast iron assurance that he would always do the air lock system to protect the cats.

I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money.

Don’t move in until you also have a cast iron assurance on household chores.

He sounds lazy. If that doesn’t improve, your relationship is ultimately doomed.

Original poster
twiney · 13/12/2017 12:46

@Slaylormoon
I may look into those huge massive cat enclosures.
Fencing in the balcony (which is what lies between the flat and the terrace) and leaving the terrace open but with a cat enclosure could be a simple and easy solution thats a good compromise. I work from home so the cats could be in the enclosure for a good chunk of the day if they liked.

He has a rare day off today (he works very long hours; much more than me, its just that his work is "unskilled").

Whilst ive been working he has mopped and hoovered. So i think most of the household work falls to me because i have more time.

I just had a coffee break and convo about this with him. He says if i want to close off the terrace we will.do it, but he personally think it is enough to fully secure the balcony and do the enclosure thing.
I told him I wanted him to take the cats as seriously as I do (LOL) and he said he would and I didnt have to worry about it, he would take it seriously and we will figure something out. He suggests we start by catproofing the balcony and see afterwards whether I think thats enough with the enclosure or whether we do the whole terrace. He says that actually his primary concern is that doing a full 140m2 terrace would cost a bomb.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 13/12/2017 12:47

I wouldn’t be contemplating moving to this apartment with my cats or this cfbf.
This ^. I'd not go for an apartment with cats unless they were strictly indoor, unadventurous ones (do these exist?) - even with catproofing I'd be out there with them panicking the whole time.
And he seems to be onto a good thing financially but without compromising....

Nikephorus · 13/12/2017 12:48

He suggests we start by catproofing the balcony and see afterwards whether I think thats enough with the enclosure or whether we do the whole terrace
He'll then decide that nothing extra is required and you'll be buggered because you'll be stuck there. Put the cats first!

Original poster
twiney · 13/12/2017 12:49

@NoSquirrels
Check out my post just above - thats exactly what Im thinking.
I said to him I wanted him to be 100% on board with the fact we will have as you say a cast iron airlock system and he agrees. I believe him. He's a bit dozy but I know i can drum it into him.

Just the flat on its own is double the size of the space the cats currently have.
So i think to start with, the flat and enclosed balcony will be great for them. Then we can think about more options as we get into summer. I may not even find it necessary. They are indoor cats and pretty content to sleep and chase each other around and then more sleep.

OP posts:
Clandestino · 13/12/2017 12:51

I'm waiting for any of his redeeming qualities. The initial post makes him sound like a dickhead.

laudanum · 13/12/2017 12:51

I'd dump him and stick with your cats. You're paying the lion's share and he's moaning about your wanting to secure things for your cats which you love dearly? Get rid.

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/12/2017 12:53

Cocklodger klaxon

Arrietty123 · 13/12/2017 12:58

To be totally honest, that fencing looks dreadful. There's no point getting a flat with a view if you're going to block it out with a humongous fence. I think your boyfriend is being extremely picky however and you should do what's best for yourself and your cats. Why don't you get a lovely ground floor apartment with a little garden? If you're paying most of the rent and deposit you get to make the choice not him!