AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend

[twiney]

I'm going to try and keep this short and objective.

Me and my BF of one year are moving in together after him basically living at mine.

We found an amazing new place that has a balcony leading on to a huge massive rooftop terrace. The terrace is huge and has 360 degree views of the city (140m2).

The apartment fits all his criteria and I like it too - except one of my major criteria was having outdoor space for my beloved cats, which is why we originally were looking at houses.

I will be paying the vast majority of the rent and will need to find the deposit money, because I make a lot more than him.

I found a company that specialises in catproofing terraces so I want to pay them to come abd fit out the terrace. This means we can still enjoy it, but as a bonus the cats will have a massive and SAFE rooftop playground to enjoy. Theres no way in hell I would let them out without it and I would be nervous they would slip out to the unprotected rooftop as cats ofteb do.

My boyfriend refuses to have the terrace secured as he says the chickenwire style fencing around the rooftop will ruin the view. He says we should catproof the small balcony but leave the terrace open.

Who is BU? I see his point that its annoying. But I love my cats and he knows that my major priority in moving was getting them some space.

I also admit to feeling a little resentment - im the one doing most of the shelling out here, so shouldnt he just enjoy having an amazing flat at subsidised rent and let me get on with it?

But maybe AIBU

you either need to find a different place to move to, or a new OH

Or both!

The cats' safety is non-negotiable. I'd base everything on that.

There is NOTHING that can keep a determined cat in.
Rent a ground floor flat or house with a garden.

How nice he has found a flat that fits all his criteria AND has someone to fund it for him

Nailed it.

Fairy lights would soften that fence

search lights and gun turrets are the norm for that fence

The landlord may be fine with you having cats, that is not the same thing as agreeing to the erection of that screen. If this flat is part of a larger building, the Landlord may not even be able to get permission from the freeholder. We have three flats (although only one with a terrace) and I know absolutely that we would not be able to get permission for something like that. Right now, that is the most important question to be answered!

because as well as me paying for most of it (he doesnt make much) I've done all the leg work for finding and getting us this place ... So I feel like hes being a bit of a brat.

God, if ever a man came on here and said that about his wife/gf!!! Urgh. Are you planning to hold your status over him forever?

Not RTFT but the fencing looks terrible, I understand why you want it, I'm a cat owner too but this is pretty hideous! However, I don't think this is really the issue.

Why are you funding somebody else? It sounds like he wants all the benefits without doing any of the work. I'd either a) find somewhere else more cat-friendly or b) don't move in with him!

I also admit to feeling a little resentment - im the one doing most of the shelling out here, so shouldnt he just enjoy having an amazing flat at subsidised rent and let me get on with it?

^ This is your problem right here.

It's a very common attitude and is wheeled out as the final metaphorical punch in any argument. I've lost count of the times I've heard men say of their SAHM wives "I'm the one paying for all this so she can lump it".

Move in somewhere else or move in alone - because you are setting yourself up for a long running and simmering resentment.

Either you will be fucked off that your cats don't get the terrace and are cramped in the balcone (or one of them ends up splatted on the pavement having leapt to its depth from the non-cat proofed terrace). Every argument about everything from the washing up to turning the television off will be crown with you saying "and I'm paying for it all so you can bugger off" and eventually he will.

Or he will be overcome with resentment that his nice view is ruined by a chicken run adornment and that he is playing second fiddle to a bunch of cats despite his wishes because you have more money than him.

My advice is find somewhere else to live that suits you both.

YANBU, he's being an asshole tbqh, you still have the view with that fence and your cats will be happy. I would tell him that you don't think the small balcony is adequate and if he won't agree to fencing the terrace then you will just hold out for a house with a garden instead.

Find a new house to move into.
Redefine boundaries on each other responsibilities BEFORE you move in for good.

You’re not going to find a compromise in that one. He is clearly expect8ng you to step down.
But more importantly, he is expecting you to do all the leg work, organise everything etc... fo him to only step in when it suits him and for you to them fall all over to meet his demands.
I would actually review the moving together just because of that until responsibilities amd boundaries in what is acceptable or not have been agreed and PUT IN PLACE

If you were a SAHM and your husband was using the excuse that he earns more and put more money in so he should have his way, then I feel that the response here would be very different

Funny that. An entirely different situation would get an entirely different response. Who’d have thought hey?!

They’re NOT married.
It’s a NEW relationship.
They don’t have a child he’s caring for...

Anymore fundamental differences you’d like to completely overlook?

I think that fence looks dreadful.
Look for a house or ground floor flat. Your cats could possibly be better companions long term than your boyfriend. Give them somewhere suitable to live.
I know of a couple - he didn't like her cat. He let it out when she wasn't around, despite being told not to (they had only just moved in). The cat disappeared, never to be seen again. The woman was distraught, the man...not so.

The fencing is disgusting and would ruin the nicest terrace.

Having said that, you shouldn’t even have viewed the apartment. Just stick to viewing properties that suit your needs.

And it’d be a red flag with the bf being a spoilt brat and just wanting a fancy penthouse paid for mostly by his gf.

I agree, this is your flat, your life, your cats and HE is moving in to your life. You need to make decisions to safeguard your pets, you are paying for them.

For me, there is damage done already, I don't think you should move him in as yet. You should move with the cats and he can live on his own for a bit.

I’ve got 4 cats, even “catproofed” the little —fuckers— darlings will find a way out so not a chance I’d be living there.

Go back to looking at houses.

@AnnieAnoniMouse

So people have to be married for a relationship to be 'real' and for these things to matter? No. Living together is a long-term commitment and a I doubt the OP thinks of her relationship as 'new' if she's making the step to move in with him.

Like another poster said, if the OP can't leave behind the resentment of paying for more than her OH, then this resentment will plague them both.

I think either way you have to agree on a place that works for both of you, regardless of who is paying more. It's a shared home and you both have to love it and love how you live in it. Honestly, that fencing looks awful and I would not want that on my balcony. I would either just do the smaller balcony or would look for somewhere else that has a more suitable garden space.

Btw I don’t have an issue with the money side. Unless you are only going out with men who earn the exact same amount at you, it will always be an issue (either you will more or the guy will, leading to The same issues all over agian).

The issue here is that you are settling for something that isnt working for you because HE likes it.
And that he is refusing to compromise somthat the fact also fits your criteria.
It doesn’t matter of the criteria are about your cats or anything else. What matters is that he is NOT taking you into account in the decision process. That your wants do not matter as much as his. In effect, that he doesn’t respect you.

When someone is respecting you, then money isn’t an issue tbh.

Women get paid less, if at all - you can't compare 'n' contrast genders in these situations.

OP - cats better than boyfriend. Act accordingly.

Hmmm, lots to think about here guys, thanks.

I really dont know what to do.

I really do like this apartment.

I'm not sure where the LL stands on the "prison run" thing but I dont live in the UK and renting is a lot different here - the place basically becomes yours to do what you want with as long as you fix everything back up when you leave. As an example, where I live its illegal for them to prevent you from having pets in your rental.

Maybe I could construct some kind of "run" as another poster mentioned.

Its tricky because houses arent as commonplace as they are in the UK. This is a much more apartment-focussed culture. We had been looking for months and there were very, very few houses going.

I do agree that it doesn't feel right to constantly hold this "Im contributing more financially" argument over him (btw I havent ever mentioned this to him). I think its unfair to ask me to consider how I would feel if a man used this same argument to a SAHM though: hes not a stay at home parent, and I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money.

But I agree its not healthy to feel or fuel this imbalance.

I guess I was just hoping this:

That a man who says he loves you, and who would be paying much less for the apartment, would be willing to sacrifice pretty much anything and help you out in coming up with a solution for keeping the pets you love safe.

No....?

At least, its what i would do.

If you decide to still move to a new place with Captain Cocklodger, do yourself & your cats a favour & get it in your name ONLY, so that when you decide you’ve had enough of his fuckwittery, you & the cats don’t have to move again. I still think you’d be daft to move in with him though. Apart from the whole cocklodger thing, it doesn’t sound like he cares about your cats & that doesn’t bode well for a future with him IMO.

As others have said, there is a lot more to this than the cats and the cat proofing - if you are looking for a home to share it should all be about both of you really looking forward to the start of your shared life together and jointing enjoying house hunting etc.

If there are obstacles at this stage I can just imagine what your future together will be like .

I’ve got 4 cats, even “catproofed” the little —fuckers— darlings will find a way out so not a chance I’d be living there.

Depends on the cat, mine is very lazy and unadventurous, he's a maine coon though, they 're very mellow and chilled out by nature I think!

@AnnieAnoniMouse
Yep, totally agree with SAHM strawman. See my post directly above!

This sounds like an expensive apartment complex. No way are you going to get permission to erect the fence.

I wouldn’t be contemplating moving to this apartment with my cats or this cfbf.

I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money.

Why do you do that? You shouldn't start your new life together on that foot imo, you both work, you shouldn't be doing most of the house work as well, don't stand for that shit!