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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend

207 replies

twiney · 13/12/2017 09:41

I'm going to try and keep this short and objective.

Me and my BF of one year are moving in together after him basically living at mine.

We found an amazing new place that has a balcony leading on to a huge massive rooftop terrace. The terrace is huge and has 360 degree views of the city (140m2).

The apartment fits all his criteria and I like it too - except one of my major criteria was having outdoor space for my beloved cats, which is why we originally were looking at houses.

I will be paying the vast majority of the rent and will need to find the deposit money, because I make a lot more than him.

I found a company that specialises in catproofing terraces so I want to pay them to come abd fit out the terrace. This means we can still enjoy it, but as a bonus the cats will have a massive and SAFE rooftop playground to enjoy. Theres no way in hell I would let them out without it and I would be nervous they would slip out to the unprotected rooftop as cats ofteb do.

My boyfriend refuses to have the terrace secured as he says the chickenwire style fencing around the rooftop will ruin the view. He says we should catproof the small balcony but leave the terrace open.

Who is BU? I see his point that its annoying. But I love my cats and he knows that my major priority in moving was getting them some space.

I also admit to feeling a little resentment - im the one doing most of the shelling out here, so shouldnt he just enjoy having an amazing flat at subsidised rent and let me get on with it?

But maybe AIBU

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 13/12/2017 10:47

It doesn’t look great BUT you if you want a terrace when you have cats you need something to protect them. It’s all good and well saying you will leave the door shut but it will get left open by someone at some point, and cats are fast.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2017 10:47

That a man who says he loves you, and who would be paying much less for the apartment, would be willing to sacrifice pretty much anything to help you out in coming up with a solution for keeping the pets you love safe.

Then you’ve answered how you feel about him. He’s not coming up to the grade.

echt · 13/12/2017 10:47

Find a better flat for your cats.

Find a better BF.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/12/2017 10:47

That a man who says he loves you, and who would be paying much less for the apartment, would be willing to sacrifice pretty much anything and help you out in coming up with a solution for keeping the pets you love safe

Take the money out of your comment above and that’s how it should be. Subsidised or not.

nellieellie · 13/12/2017 10:50

I don’t see the issue here. 1. You have cats. 2.To provide a reasonable standard of welfare, they need to have access to the outside. 3.You have to ensure their safety when they are outside.
Therefore you need a secure fence. As long as there is no legal provision preventing this in your rental agreement, or the landlords agreement with the building owner, then if you move in, the fence is a given. If this is not agreed, you have a choice. Ditch BF, or move elsewhere.

QuimReaper · 13/12/2017 10:52

I agree with everything Kiosk said.

OP, this line jumped out at me:

would be willing to sacrifice pretty much anything and help you out in coming up with a solution for keeping the pets you love safe

I don't think being "willing to sacrifice pretty much anything" for the safety of pets he hasn't got much of a relationship with is especially reasonable, especially as I'm one of the dozens on this thread who think that terrace is such a ghastly eyesore it'd be better not to have the terrace at all, but then you say help you out in coming up with a solution - do you think this is the source of your resentment? It can be really, really rotten behaviour when people sit on their arse being negative whilst you're trying to come up with a solution, and only chip in to shoot you down. Do you just feel that you'd like him to show some interest in the problem for your sake (if not for the cats'), rather than just whinge about the ones you come up with?

newmumwithquestions · 13/12/2017 10:53

YABU to keep mentioning money. People earn different amounts. If you’re in a serious relationship the one who earns more should pay more than the one who earns less, without making the other one feel indebted.

YANBU to put your cats above his feelings. They are your responsibility and you must put their needs above his.
YANBU to expect him to do 50/50 around the house/domestic duties (assuming you work similar hours).

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 10:55

he's a maine coon though
Can I have a look, I have always wanted to see a Maine Coon?

Excuse me if this is rude.

pinkyredrose · 13/12/2017 10:56

I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money

Are you sure you want to live with him?

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 13/12/2017 10:59

If this guy is someone you might consider sharing your life with long-term, please note that such attitudes usually extend to babies/toddlers too such people don't suddenly develop a sense of giving a shit about the safety of others later in life. LaContessa nailed it.

If you can’t trust him to be considerate of your cats, he’s not a keeper! Partly for the cats alone, but also because of how that impacts in his ability to be left in charge of children too.

My DP is a nightmare for leaving doors & windows open, gas hob on etc. I blew up at him once about not taking responsibility for keeping my home safe when he’s here, that it makes me feel physically sick to walk downstairs and find my front door wide open, for anyone to walk in.

The night we had the conversation our cars both got broken into and there was evidence they’d tried to open the back door too. I thought this would be a turning point.

He still leaves his wallet in his car!

People like this don’t learn and there’s no way I’d have kids with someone like that. Luckily we both already have our own DCs so not an issue but I’d certainly think twice before committing to someone like this if I wanted a family.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/12/2017 11:00

I was going to say he's a cocklodger in the making, but actually he's already there. He's lived with you more or less for the last year. What does that mean, exactly? Has he contributed towards any bills in the last year? Who bought the food? What exactly did he spend his own money on?

If he's been able to live cheaply this last year, how come he doesn't have the money for a deposit now?

Frankly it sounds like he thinks he's got a really good deal with you and is now putting your beloved cats at massive risk for his own selfish reasons.

misscheery · 13/12/2017 11:01

I think it's lovely that the flat meets all of HIS criteria and you pay the most of it. I'm being sarcastic, of course. And I fucking love cats, I adore mine and I'd catproof anything Grin

I don't think the main problem you have is this one. I think that he's an asshole and sooner or later you'll pay for more than you possibly think. Trust me, I've been there. You'll regret it. Just my two cents......

TheHodgeHeg · 13/12/2017 11:02

You don't sound like you like him that much. Why are you moving in with him?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2017 11:03

He doesn't care about your cats. In fact I'd say he doesn't care about you. He does care about his rent-free apartment and live-in unpaid maid service though.

What's even the rush to move in together? You've only been together a year? Is is because he's sort of de fecto moved in anyway, almost by stealth and so moving suits him?

Think really really hard about this OP. Because you are setting yourself up for a whole heap of resentment

The cats really aren't the issue here

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 13/12/2017 11:05

Leave the money out of it - most relationships have a financial imbalance - it's the rest of it that would worry me. He doesn't appear to want to compromise, if you can't convert your roof terrace to resemble a prison camp you can't trust him to keep your cats safe and you do most of the household chores - why? I think you can get yourself a better partner.

Kr1st1na · 13/12/2017 11:06

You are not compatible at all.

He thinks you should do all of the housework and most of not all of the wifework. You have implied here that you disagree, though it’s not clear if you have told him that. But you still do everything.

He thinks that he should have an equal say on the apartment and you dont, because you will be paying most of the rent and ALL of the deposit .

You think your cats’ welfare should be top priority and he doesn’t . He is concerned about the view.

What anyone here thinks is immaterial . You and he disagree on these fundemantal issues so it’s not going to work. Really it’s not.

These kind of differences will only get bigger and more troublesome as you go on.

Don’t move in with him, you will waste years of your life trying to make him into someone he’s not or you will have to compromise on things that are very important to you.

Original poster
twiney · 13/12/2017 11:06

@AnnieAnoniMouse
Funny you should mention the getting it in my name only thing.

I had considered how to do that but not sure how. Both of our paperwork was submitted for LL approval, LL liked us and was happy with the financial info I showed. I think they feel more secure in renting to a couple rather than single person so dont know how I would backtrack on wanting to sign alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
twiney · 13/12/2017 11:08

@BitOutOfPractice
Yeah he has de facto moved in anyway so my thinking was move in together so we would have:
More space
Space for cats
I would at least get help with bills and chores whereas as it is its "my" place so my problem

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 11:11

What are you going to do if the LL accepts you and says no to the fencing??

I would be so pissed off if I turned down other tenants in order to accept a particular one and then they started talking about a fence like this.

I am sorry but I think it is sneaky.

Kr1st1na · 13/12/2017 11:11

Are you saying that he doesn’t pay thing or do anything in your apartment because it’s your place ?

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 11:12

*Can I have a look, I have always wanted to see a Maine Coon?

Excuse me if this is rude.*

Of course Grin

AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend
AIBU or is he? Cats, new flat, money, boyfriend
May50 · 13/12/2017 11:13

You earn almost all the money, and you do all the household chores?!!

I had a similar situation and even though my exP was 'lovely and sweet', like a human Labrador in temperament , over the years resentment built up - so it did not last. My ExP now has a new girlfriend, he pretty much lives with her full time now, and she's just treated him to a trip to Paris. And before me there was another girlfriend he did exactly the same to for nearly ten years. He moves from one to the other, until the girlfriend wises up!

This is the best you will ever see your boyfriend, at the moment he should still be impressing, you, it should be the honeymoon period - but it sounds as though you're doing all the giving, and he's just taking.

WeeMadArthur · 13/12/2017 11:14

I hope he helps pay towards bills if he is living with you now, regardless of if it’s just in your name. If he doesn’t then you don’t have a boyfriend, you have a cocklodger, and a cocklodger who prioritises his view over your cats safety.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2017 11:14

OP he's a cocklodger. He won't help with chores when you move and get money out of him will be like getting blood from a turnip. Mark my words

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 11:14

I handle all household chores anyway as well as making most of the money.

You see it as 'handling' everything, but really you are his skivvy, aren't you? Working full time and doing all the housework?

He is an ungrateful twat happy to see your cats unsafe.

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