They're late... AGAIN!

[Givemeonereason]

Name change for this as I was outed using my old one

So my PIL look after my DS 3 times a week and ever single night they're late.
So they live a 40 minute drive away. They offered to look after DS and they truly are fantastic with him (he's 1). Usually DH or I will meet them half way in the morning and evenings and every single night they're late. Usually by around 15-30 minutes. Tonight I've got here and they text me saying they haven't even left yet so for me to take my time. I'm so annoyed!
DS goes to bed at 7 so now by the time they get here, we drive home, it'll be straight in the bath and into bed so once again, I don't get to see him.
PIL know how hard it was and still is for me to leave him, but due to some major blows in our life, we can't afford for me to not work. It really pisses me off that they can't shift their arses to just get to the meet point on time. There is no reason for it other than just being unorganised. DH is the same so he doesn't see a problem with it. I can't whinge about this to him as he is very protective of his parents and in his eyes they can do no wrong.
AIBU to expect a pair of grown ups to be able to somewhere on time?

It's clear that u appreciate the childcare. So feel sorry for all the bashing ur getting here.

I know it sounds like only 15-20 mins but that would drive me nuts, that's time u coulda have spent with DS or making dinner.

Can your DH not pick him up?
Or ring them before leaving work?

People are being really horrible to you OP. I hope you are not taking it to heart.

Of course you are not BU to be annoyed about being sat in your car on your own for 15-30mins three times a week just because they can’t/won’t leave on time.

My MIL is providing some childcare as she wants to spend time with DS, I wanted him to go to nursery. I don’t see this means I can’t ever be pissed off with her! If she feeds him chocolate all day long then I have a right to say something but on MN it’s ‘your getting free childcare, shut up and put up with everything’. Pure jealousy.

What did your DH say when they were four hours late dropping DC off after the wedding thing?!

I know he's relaxed about timings but did that not strike him as unreasonable

Sorry that would drive me insane especially as I guess weekends are your special time with DC

OP this would drive me nuts. Tim with your kids is precious when you're working, regardless of who provides the childcare. People are being unnecessarily harsh and mean. Could you ring them as you leave work and remind them to meet you at the agreed time? Maybe a few awkward phone calls would jog them to reload you're serious and want your child back! Good luck

It's difficult as families differ. We are always early or on time and anything else is a theft of the other person's time and very rude indeed. Not everyone is like that. i am often 30 minutes early for things and sitting in a cafe or the car waiting until the appointed time but only that kind of thing makes me feel okay and not worried. I allowed an extra hour to drive in the rush hour this week and arrived only with a minute to spare as traffic was so bad (not my best journey) which emphasised to me how much psychologically I need to have a lot of time in hand. other people are totally laid back and often late - I find it very hard to deal with such people..

Could you offer to pay them to drive all the way to you so there is not the hand over delay or do it the othr way round - you come to them? It is one thing being delayed in your own home but every different if you are hanging around on a motorway service station.

People are being horrible. My DM looked after my first and was late every morning making me late for work. I felt unable to complain as she was doing me a favour. Now I have two DCs they will be going to nursery (oldest) and childminder (youngest) in the mornings to avoid this. As much as I don't like the thought of the youngest being with a childminder over family (local nursery doesn't take until 2).

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I also don't think there's much you can do. I think a pp suggested adjusting the time, which makes sense to me. Say you can now meet them 15 minutes earlier and hopefully they will then arrive closer to the actual time. That will only work if they are consistently late though.

My other thought is to say that you want to pick him up from theirs now, and if they are regularly out/phones off I think it would be much more reasonable to then ask them to be back in time due to his bedtime etc. Asking people not to be late is for some reason seen as horrible but asking them to be there when you collect him will I think be perceived as less rude.

Cass it's like you're not even pretending to have read the thread.
I don't know how many times I've explained the issues I've had when I've tried to collect from there's or how I wish I could afford childcare! I can't!

It's so rude to be late. Anyone who is late every single day is late deliberately. Everyone is fixated on the fact that they are providing free childcare, I don't think this automatically means it's ok to be rude though.

I think you are in a difficult situation but as grandparents ourselves who look after our 2 year old granddaughter normally 1 day a week and sometimes 2 I would have to say that being fussy about timings when they are doing you a massive favour is unreasonable. We love having our granddaughter but it is exhausting looking after a toddler and we only do it once or twice a week so hats off to your PIL for doing it three times effectively half their week. Everything takes longer with a small person and when you are older it is more difficult. You probably have your routine down pat but when you retire routine tends to go out the window for some. Also doing a 40 minute round trip twice a day is a something I would not like to do. Luckily our daughter and son in law live in the same town. You don't have many options really if you have to work and cannot afford other childcare. You could try tactfully speaking to them or realise that this won't be forever or gradually adjust your finances so you can afford childcare nearer to you or move nearer to your PIL.

would have to say that being fussy about timings when they are doing you a massive favour is unreasonable

It's not OK You wouldn't like to be kept waiting continually every night when you've been at work all day and just want to get home, and if it's take so much longer then you have to adjust the timings your end to make it work

I think you'd complain if someone kept you waiting every time

Do you think you are deflecting your anger at the situation you are in on to your PIL? You don't want to be away from your baby and that much is clear and in your minds your PIL are keeping him from you when they are late. If you put yourself in your PILs position maybe they are just out enjoying themselves during the day with your baby and they just lose track of time. They are a little insensitive about saying your baby does not know the difference as he obviously does but taking our granddaughter out and about us easier than keeping her at our house as she likes different surroundings, other kids to play with etc etc. We keep our mobiles with us though so our daughter can text or phone if she is late picking her up. Long term I am not sure your childcare arrangements can continue though unless they are stricter about time keeping or you can relax more about leaving him. You are still with him four days a week so presumably you don't work full time. It is also early days assuming you have just gone back to work after maternity leave. I would send your DH to meet them and see how annoyed he gets at being kept waiting as ideally he should be the one talking to them.

@Cornishclio oh I absolutely am deflecting, you're right. I shouted at the postman yesterday for no reason as well.

I do work full time, he is in Nursery for 2 days a week. And I've been back to work for 3 months now. Went back to a totally different company in a totally different role which I really dislike.

YANBU

It's obvious you are very grateful but this would upset me too. I hope you can resolve it with them!

It looks like some PPs haven't read your responses

Is it possible to rearrange your finances so you don't need to work full time because it sounds like this is the crux of the problem? Is there any way you can reduce your hours even slightly to finish earlier? I think I would definitely insist on your PIL keeping a mobile with them as it is unacceptable for you not to be able to contact them.

*Greentulip
*
I think you'd complain if someone kept you waiting every time

Actually I used to give a friend a lift to and from work every day and she was always late. I learnt to relax about it or it would drive me mad. For some people poor timekeeping is nothing to worry about.

But yes it would annoy me but I also wouldn't volunteer to do childcare for 3 days and a 40 minute round trip day and night. I think it is a difficult situation for the whole family but I think the OP is more annoyed at being forced to work full time in the first place. The DH obviously knew his parents were relaxed about time keeping as he says it is not an issue so he must have grown up with it.

As I said upthread, I know a few grandmothers who have looked after their GC for 3/4 days a week. I think - much as they enjoyed having that time with their GC - they found it hard going. I can understand why - it IS hard going looking after a baby day in, day out. As a mother (and I say mother - I know a couple of SAHDs who've felt excluded) there are all sorts of groups, NCT clubs, classes you can join, where you can meet other mothers with similar aged children and make friends. And it really does break the monotony to be able to go for a coffee with another adult and have two pairs of eyes on two of them, if that makes sense.

I think grandparents are a bit excluded from this. I am still very good friends with one of the grandmas in this situation, even now the kids are all at school. Her perspective is that mothers want to meet other mothers. They didn't want to include her. Not out of nastiness - everyone would be friendly enough - but they didn't want to make friends with her. So she was delighted to meet me and my children and go out with us. And if we were out and the kids were enjoying themselves then she probably wouldn't have her eye firmly fixed to the clock so that she was back home on the dot of 4.30 when her daughter came in.

I'm wondering if it's the same for your PILS; by all accounts, they seem to go out a lot with your son. They're probably trying to break up the tedium of constantly looking after a small child. (I know that must be hard if your problem is that you just don't get to spend the time you'd like with your baby, but it is how it feels sometimes when you're the one on the ground). And so they aren't fixated on the clock and so timings slip.

Could you have a heart to heart with your MIL about this? Tell her how miserable you're feeling? I think as long as it doesn't come across as a complaint, then you might get her to understand your side of things a bit better.

I have tried to speak about it in the past.
The week I was due to go back to work, we were having a perfectly lovely afternoon at their house and I started crying wholeheartedly because my DS clapped for the first time and I realised how much I was going to miss (I know that is very PFB) and i ended up sobbing to MIL about how much I was going to miss him.

When I've mentioned about them being late in the past they've just told me to relax and put my feet up. They are incredibly lackadaisical where as I grew up with a Dad who was in the military so everything needs to be neat, tidy and you're always on time. They are more relaxed in general. Not in a scruffy way, but their house is a bit messy or rather, lacks order. They don't understand my insistence on tidying up or that I can't relax if things are a mess or if I'm running late. We're just very different people, but I still love them to bits.

From their point of view, 15-20 mins is not a big deal. And it really isn't. It's not as if they are making Op late for work. At that point, they've had him all day, he's had his nap, taking him out is the best way to keep him happy. That's their priority. They want him to have as good a time with them as possible. Better to take him to softplay or out shopping than thinking of ways to amuse him at home.

And then he's having fun...It's a pity to drag him away... When they say it doesn't matter to ds, they don't mean he can't tell the difference between them and you. Of course he can. But babies have no sense of time and he's not pining for you. Which is good, but a bit disconcerting. I know my dd was a bit cast down when dgd took a while to transition back to her when she picked her up. I did 2 days' child care when dgd was 1.

The chances are that mil has never been in the same position as Op. She probably didn't have to leave dh at that age? And the same applies to fil and dh. I think you need to have a long talk with dh, and try to explain to him that this is the last straw for you at the end of a miserable day at a job you hate. See if he has any suggestions as to how you could arrange things better without offending pils, who are only trying to do their best for their grandson.

When I've mentioned about them being late in the past they've just told me to relax and put my feet up

Can you change the terms in which you talk about it? By that, I mean move away from the lateness aspect (as you say, some people are more time focused than others) but talk about it in terms of wanting to have as much time with your son as possible? It then might change in their minds from "needing to be on time" to "needing to make sure that reason gets some time with her baby".

try to explain to him that this is the last straw for you at the end of a miserable day at a job you hate

That's a super way of putting it. Could you explain to them that those 20 minutes at the end of the day are the highlight of the day for you? Maybe they genuinely don't get that.

Tell them your times have changed and you'll be 10-15 minutes earlier each day.

They want him to have as good a time with them as possible

OP wants that aswell - her child her time

O playgroups are open at 6pm there's no reason they can't adjust there time and if it's hard work and they need time to relax they also get an extra 20 mins todo so

I don't think blame has any point at all on either side. They are not going to change. So the solution is going to have to be finding different childcare or hiring someone for 20 mintues or 30 minutes to get the children to where they will be met by the grandparents.