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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They're late... AGAIN!

215 replies

Givemeonereason · 08/12/2017 17:49

Name change for this as I was outed using my old one

So my PIL look after my DS 3 times a week and ever single night they're late.
So they live a 40 minute drive away. They offered to look after DS and they truly are fantastic with him (he's 1). Usually DH or I will meet them half way in the morning and evenings and every single night they're late. Usually by around 15-30 minutes. Tonight I've got here and they text me saying they haven't even left yet so for me to take my time. I'm so annoyed!
DS goes to bed at 7 so now by the time they get here, we drive home, it'll be straight in the bath and into bed so once again, I don't get to see him.
PIL know how hard it was and still is for me to leave him, but due to some major blows in our life, we can't afford for me to not work. It really pisses me off that they can't shift their arses to just get to the meet point on time. There is no reason for it other than just being unorganised. DH is the same so he doesn't see a problem with it. I can't whinge about this to him as he is very protective of his parents and in his eyes they can do no wrong.
AIBU to expect a pair of grown ups to be able to somewhere on time?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/12/2017 07:53

I have to say just because they are helping out for free it does not give them carte Blanche to do what they want and always be late

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/12/2017 07:53

I imagine he has to go to bed at 7 so he gets enough sleep before he has to get up again......and because he's tired having had to get up in time from childcare/work etc.

Op you need to speak to them. Or accept it. Take a book with you or something

Spadequeen · 09/12/2017 07:59

Well I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Being late for anything shows huge disrespect.

I’d tell them your timings have changed and you need to meet half an hour earlier.

They may be lovely people and hugely generous but they are still doing something that upsets you

user789653241 · 09/12/2017 11:18

Maybe you can ask in laws to give him longer naps compensate early wake up time and later bed time?
Tbh, my ds never had any regular sleep routine at that age. No regular time for bed, or time to get up.
He was also ill a lot, so sometimes still awake at hospital bed at midnight. Woken up many times for obs, etc.
He is good sleeper now, with no side effects from not having proper sleep routines.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 09/12/2017 11:54

Tbh I think you need to reassess your incomings/outgoings/work/living situation as you are in a pretty vulnerable position in that you NEED your inlaws to do this childcare for you rather than it just being nice to save you some money. Is your mortgage very expensive for eg? Would it be possible to pay interest only until you are earning more? If you rent could you rent somewhere cheaper? Do you have other expenses you could cut? It is unusual to be in a position where you can neither afford to stay at home and care for your child or work and pay for childcare. What would happen if one of the ils became very ill and the other had to care for them?
At the moment they can do what they like because you need them and they know it.

Makingahome · 09/12/2017 12:14

OP.

You aren't being unreasonable at all. At the end of a working day I'd be desperate to see my children. Are the days they have him consecutive? Could they have him overnight and bring him back to yours and you have a family tea?

user1485778793 · 09/12/2017 17:56

Sounds just like my gran. She's the nicest woman ever but always late! She used to take us to school..... We never got there on time coz she arrived at our house late. She doesn't mean anything by it at all but she's all ways been like it.

Can you just arrange to meet them earlier so they actually arrive on time?

user789653241 · 09/12/2017 19:00

Actually, use's suggestion maybe a good idea in this case. Arrange the pick up time 20/30 minutes earlier. Then they will be on time for the time you are actually able to pick dc up. Grin

Chickaboohoo · 09/12/2017 20:27

No YANBU. Im with you all the way and I, too, have a tight agenda when I come from home at work. Unfortunately, you are at the behest of your PIL. You could as your DH to say something or you could do it yourself. Maybe they just need a polite reminder or they've genuinely no idea of the upset they are causing you! Either way, you need to say something otherwise the resentment will fester. Nothing is ever 'free' including childcare. Good luck x

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/12/2017 20:53

Yanbu at all
Being occasionally late if something unexpected happens is obviously ok, but being 20-30 minutes late ever time is really rude, they need to adjust the time they start getting ready.

At the end of my working day, missing my baby, I'd be really upset to be left waiting in a car park for 20-30 minutes every time. Just because they are doing you a favour doesn't absolve them from being considerate to you.

My dh is frequently late, he completely underestimates how long it will take him to get ready, gets distracted easily, doesn't wear a watch or check the time often. Regularly hanging around waiting is horribly frustrating.
Not sure if you can do this with your PIL, but with my dh I started calling him to check his progress, eg"hi, just calling to see if you are getting dressed, if not you won't be on time to meet me at 10...". Yes it did annoy him initially, but it also made him realise how much time things actually take, and now he is more punctual.

poppy54321 · 09/12/2017 20:57

I have a problem with grandparents not having their phones on them and being out with grandchildren. If I am looking after someone else's child and go out, I always have a phone on me. In fact if I had someone else's child and didn't answer the phone for ages I would feel bad. If there was some emergency a phone is very important and there may not be other people around to borrow a phone. Plus they need to have important numbers on them. Add to this we did first aid courses, but grandparents didn't so I think they need to carry phones. I would not like to be kept waiting each night so would change the meet time by 20 minutes. Then on the rare occasions they were on time, they could wait for you and enjoy the time in the car together. Better than you waiting alone.

AL75 · 09/12/2017 21:24

Exactly what time do you pick your child up? When my son was one I had no choice but to put him into day nursery. Once I picked him up at 6, gone home to cook, eat then get him ready for bed it was 9 o'clock! I never saw him! Chances are, I think you see your child much more than that so be grateful that they are saving you a fortune as I had to pay over £1000 a month.

anothersuitcase · 09/12/2017 22:07

You have pulled your opinion out of your arse.

Not once has the OP came across as ungrateful. It's just more fun to make shit up on AIBU isn't it?

I'll say this again, maybe read slowly..that..is..just..your..opinion.it..does..not..mean..you..are...right
^
She is right though cup^, you sound bitter and like you are only on^ You have pulled your opinion out of your arse.^
^
Not once has the OP came across as ungrateful. It's just more fun to make shit up on AIBU isn't it?

I'll say this again, maybe read slowly..that.^.is..just..your..opinion.it..does..not..mean..you..are...right

She is right though cupoffrothycoffee, you sound bitter and as if you are only on this thread to have a go, not offer constructive advice. If this were about anything else other than free childcare the constant lateness would be seen as unreasonable. As if you are that late every single day then you know full well you are going to be late, and just aren't bothered!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 09/12/2017 22:22

Spare a thought for those of us who haven't got family at our disposal to take care of 100% of the childcare for free. My DD started school in September. The statement her Nursery gave us shows we paid £16k in 3.5 years she attended. Doing it all again with DS next month. How I long to be £32k better off but having to wait the odd 15 minutes here and there.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 22:27

You are not being unreasonable.

I manage to give my DGC tea and have them ready for when their parents want to collect them on the days I look after them.

In the summer I might want to take them out in which case I would arrange to drop them home at the required time.

It's not hard.

Purplealienpuke · 10/12/2017 06:55

Can they look after dc at your house? I know that's not always ideal & you run the risk of being late for work (if they are late! But you could tell them your start time has changed to get them there earlier??).
I get it would mean a 40 min drive each way for them but you would be less stressed & see more of the wee one.
If that's not an option I think you'll need to try a gentle conversation. I know they are doing you a huge favour but to make you wait 30 mins is crazy and infuriating! I'd be tempted just to collect tbh. TELL them they should be in at ### time as you'll be collecting (use bad weather as an excuse if you want then don't change back??) and can dc please be ready in pjs and coat etc ?? Personally, wonderful favour or not, theres no excuse to be that late EVERY DAY!! Good luck.

BlondeB83 · 10/12/2017 06:57

Be grateful or pay for a childminder.

hesterton · 10/12/2017 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Melony6 · 10/12/2017 07:39

I'm a DGM and I would truly make an effort to get DGC back on agreed time. DIL and DS have very busy lives, it's important to help them keep to schedule.
Apart from that DGC are exhausting (though not so bad with two imv) and I'm usually happy to get them back on time and put my feet up.
But some pita people can't keep to time. Rude imv. But I dont' know how you would change that.

Original poster
Givemeonereason · 10/12/2017 07:48

Spare a thought for those of us who haven't got family at our disposal to take care of 100% of the childcare for free. My DD started school in September. The statement her Nursery gave us shows we paid £16k in 3.5 years she attended. Doing it all again with DS next month. How I long to be £32k better off but having to wait the odd 15 minutes here and there.

I've already repeated this but they don't do 100% of the childcare.
Also, it's not the odd 15 mins here and there, it's 15-30 mins every time.
DH and I were part of a bridal party last month so DS stayed at theirs on the Friday night. We had agreed to go collect him at midday. They had taken him to the coast which is a further 1 hour drive away from their's and forgotten to tell us. When we finally got through to them they said they would come drop him at ours and for us not to worry and just relax. He didn't come home until 4pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeonereason · 10/12/2017 07:49

^^ that was a one off, they've never been that late with him before or after that but that's just an example of their mindset

OP posts:
berliozwooler · 10/12/2017 07:53

YANBU - this would really annoy me too.

I do think you have to play it carefully in what you say though as they are clearly doing you a big favour also. And longer term I'd be making other arrangements as it's too much driving and stress for all of you. Perhaps in the longer term they could have DC one day a week.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 10/12/2017 08:07

Ynbu from me

Lateness is an odd thing. I think it's very rude (but I know others don't!) You know someone is waiting for you (not at home but stuck in their car in a random village) you make every effort to be there. For me it's a total disrespect to keep someone waiting. And they do this consistently, after you have politely asked them to be on time. So they are aware that even though this behaviour is normal for them it is causing you an issue.

Being four hours late would send me apoplectic.

I think you might have to get your DH on board with approaching them. I also like the pp suggestion of them looking after him at your house if that's possible?

I can see you're having a rough time. Clearly if it was as simple as 'get another better paid job' or 'get paid childcare' you'd be exploring those options. Childcare in this country is insane. I deeply resent forking out thousands just so I can bloody go to work! But I don't think you should be taking the brunt of my frustration!

Santasbigredbobblehat · 10/12/2017 08:09

MN is pretty spiky about this issue!

YANBU, I can imagine disregarding someone else’s feelings on this matter, even if it is for free. Has your DP spoken to his parents? Can he say to them ‘little Jimmy really benefits from an hour with his mum before bed as he’s easier to settle, so we need him back/pick him up by * time’. I can’t believe in real life people would actually say you have to suck this up. And for what it’s worth, you do sound grateful, just exasperated!

Isadorabubble · 10/12/2017 08:18

My HV said to me that childcare with family can be very difficult. I didn’t understand what she meant till I experienced it. Because it’s not usually a formal arrangement issues like the OP is experiencing arise and it’s tricky because your family are doing you a huge favour. If you pay a nanny or a nursery times and expectations are agreed and kept to. I completely understand your frustration OP. It’s a tricky one. I don’t think your being unreasonable.

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