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AIBU?

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Original poster

They're late... AGAIN!

215 replies

Givemeonereason · 08/12/2017 17:49

Name change for this as I was outed using my old one

So my PIL look after my DS 3 times a week and ever single night they're late.
So they live a 40 minute drive away. They offered to look after DS and they truly are fantastic with him (he's 1). Usually DH or I will meet them half way in the morning and evenings and every single night they're late. Usually by around 15-30 minutes. Tonight I've got here and they text me saying they haven't even left yet so for me to take my time. I'm so annoyed!
DS goes to bed at 7 so now by the time they get here, we drive home, it'll be straight in the bath and into bed so once again, I don't get to see him.
PIL know how hard it was and still is for me to leave him, but due to some major blows in our life, we can't afford for me to not work. It really pisses me off that they can't shift their arses to just get to the meet point on time. There is no reason for it other than just being unorganised. DH is the same so he doesn't see a problem with it. I can't whinge about this to him as he is very protective of his parents and in his eyes they can do no wrong.
AIBU to expect a pair of grown ups to be able to somewhere on time?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 08/12/2017 18:31

This would drive me mad. And I bet absolutely anyone else in your situation who was regularly kept waiting to see their baby, after a day at work too, would also be driven mad.

Oysterbabe · 08/12/2017 18:31

No only do they look after him for free but they drive half way for pick ups and drops off. Have a word with yourself and realise how lucky you are and how much of their free time they are sacrificing.
I pay £850 a month for 3 days childcare a week. If you're not prepared to pay for your own childcare then you're going to have to accept things being less than perfect.

rookiemere · 08/12/2017 18:32

Can you ring them when you're leaving work so they know what time to be there - I know they already know but perhaps they forget.

nellieellie · 08/12/2017 18:35

YANBU. It would really upset me. I think if it were me, I’d have a word with them. I’d say how much I appreciate what they were doing and how much it means knowing my DS is with people who love him while I am at work, but I really miss spending time with him, and it’s starting to really get me down. So, from now on Ill be collecting him at ....pm.
That way, they don’t have to drive, and you’ll be able to get him ready. Yes, they’re doing you a big favour, but they are getting time with their grandson too.

HousefulOfBoysAndMe · 08/12/2017 18:36

How much should you overlook according to some posters? You should be eternally grateful no matter what?

Rubbish. If you, no matter what relation, offer to look after someone else's child, you should still do so with the knowledge that the parents rules are that and at least try and be amenable to the parents. If you can't, don't offer in the first place!

2gorgeousboys · 08/12/2017 18:38

I get people saying that you should be grateful but lateness really bugs me. think I'd be telling them that my hours had changed and I was finishing work half an hour earlier they'd then be on time for when you get there!

Nonameyet1 · 08/12/2017 18:38

YANBU.

People on here are being harsh. You are allowed to be annoyed. I get annoyed when my MIL is late, it’s just thoughtless. I still love her and appreciate her etc but lateness is annoying.

No advice but I’m with you.

MissTeri · 08/12/2017 18:38

Can they not look after him at your place those 3 days a week? That way he's always there when you get home and it saves the 40 minue drive each way, plus he has all his change of clothes/toys etc to hand so saves faffing about packing nappies and what not.

RichmondAvenue · 08/12/2017 18:42

Apologies for my harsh tone. I've just read myself back. I'm just very pissed off atm with sister and the piss she takes!

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2017 18:42

I would stop meeting half way and do the entire trip and ask them to do the same, then take it in turns

Can you ask to get him back and do bath time - sell them bath time, which then means you get more time with dd when you get home?

NataliaOsipova · 08/12/2017 18:43

If you, no matter what relation, offer to look after someone else's child, you should still do so with the knowledge that the parents rules are that and at least try and be amenable to the parents. If you can't, don't offer in the first place!

But there's a converse argument which is also true, isn't there? Which is that if you allow a grandparent to be the primary career of your children for a large chunk of time, then you have to accept that you have abrogated some degree of responsibility for their care to that grapndparent. This is precisely because of the main advantage of this situation - that they have an emotional investment in the relationship with your child and they are not a paid employee. Like everything in life, there are pros and cons with any situation. In the OP's position (while it's fine to suggest gently that their timekeeping is better) she either has to accept the downsides or look for paid childcare (which has its own, different, upsides and downsides).

gingergenius · 08/12/2017 18:43

Possibly look into paid for childcare for part of the week?

pinklemonade84 · 08/12/2017 18:44

I can see people are out to stick the boot in yet again.

You’ve said time and time again that you’re grateful for the childcare that they do for you, but that missing out on this time with your ds is upsetting you (which is perfectly understandable).

If it were only occasionally that they were late then maybe yes, I would think yabu. But, this is EVERY single time that you meet them to collect him, which would grate on me so much.

I hate this assumption that because grandparents or other family members help you out, you have to bow down at their feet in gratitude and accept them doing what they want to.

I think you might need to talk to them again and emphasise just how much it’s upsetting you missing out on that time with him xx

Anatidae · 08/12/2017 18:45

It would annoy me to be honest. A few one offs isn’t an issue but if you’ve asked repeatedly it smacks of deliberately ignoring your wishes to keep control.

However there’s no denying they are doing you a big service by looking after him. If you want punctual childcare is this situation it’s going to have to be paid.

I will say this though - We have zero family help at all - there is literally no one who can take ds if needed. The few times family have visited and helped I have been really struck by how much help it is to have family around. People who have family to take the kids even once a month are very lucky indeed.

You have two choices basically - pay for childcare or have a word with them.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/12/2017 18:45

I'm usually the first person to say you need to suck pretty much anything up if you're getting free childcare but tbh I don't think Yabu to want to see a bit of your own child during the week. It does sound like they are being manipulative rather than thoughtless as well by being out and uncontactable when they know you're collecting him and persisting to be very late regularly when you've spoken to them about it. Maybe they enjoy feeling they have a closer relationship who knows?
If you can I would look for a cm so you can pick him up when you finish work or at least tell the pil that you are considering this so you can see more of your son. As long as he's being cared for he won't suffer but of course as his mum you want to see some of him in the evenings.
If your dh isn't on board with a cm or finances don't permit it I'd gradually make his bedtime later and if the pil complain that you're dropping him off asleep or he's napping a lot in the day explain that he needs a later bedtime otherwise you don't see him with them returning him so late.

underneaththeash · 08/12/2017 18:47

It would drive me nuts too, I can't stand people being late.

However, its unlikely that its going to change so I think you just need to drop off/pick up yourself. Take it in turns with your OH.

Howsthings1234 · 08/12/2017 18:48

Calling them when you set off is a great idea as it may prompt them and ensure they are aware you will be waiting. Then if they say we will leave in ten mins you can wait at work a few more mins.

gingergenius · 08/12/2017 18:48

I've done nearly 16 years with no family assistance on a regular basis and I think many people are in a similar boat. I know you want to be with your dc but try not to overthink this. The benefits outway the niggles, I hope. We were raised without 24/7 access/on-call and survived. So will your son. Mention it again, if necessary, tell them you'll turn up 30 mind earlier than you intend to to ensure your timings match but try to breathe and understand this is all just a moment in your lives.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 08/12/2017 18:50

YABU. You sound utterly ungrateful for all they do for your family. They even come and meet you halfway for pick-up and you're whinging? It's not their fault that you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your child...I think that's what's really going on here.

Sallystyle · 08/12/2017 18:50

On MN, if grandparents provide free child care you aren't allowed to moan about anything OP.

Back in the real world most people would be annoyed by this. I am sure the GPs aren't being forced into it and are doing it because they enjoy it.

YANBU.

Firesuit · 08/12/2017 18:53

Why does he have to go to bed at 7pm? Keep him up to 10pm, if he needs any of the sleep he's lost he'll catch up when he's with them.

ConciseandNice · 08/12/2017 18:53

givemeonereason, actually having read you saying that they never answer their phones etc It does sound controlling.

Get thee to a nursery.

Sallystyle · 08/12/2017 18:54

You sound utterly ungrateful for all they do for your family.

Does she fuck.

You don't need to make things up.

rwalker · 08/12/2017 18:54

as annoying as it is thats the price you pay for free family child care .Put up or make alternative arrangement 3 days with a 1year old for grand parents is very generous of them as its very tying to make such a big comminent

pictish · 08/12/2017 18:54

The being late would annoy me simply because I'd be pissed off hanging around the halfway point in the car.
I do think your stance that he goes to bed at 7 so you only get x amount of time with him is daft though. No one makes you put him to bed at 7. If you want longer with him in the evening, have it.

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