They're late... AGAIN!

[Givemeonereason]

Name change for this as I was outed using my old one

So my PIL look after my DS 3 times a week and ever single night they're late.
So they live a 40 minute drive away. They offered to look after DS and they truly are fantastic with him (he's 1). Usually DH or I will meet them half way in the morning and evenings and every single night they're late. Usually by around 15-30 minutes. Tonight I've got here and they text me saying they haven't even left yet so for me to take my time. I'm so annoyed!
DS goes to bed at 7 so now by the time they get here, we drive home, it'll be straight in the bath and into bed so once again, I don't get to see him.
PIL know how hard it was and still is for me to leave him, but due to some major blows in our life, we can't afford for me to not work. It really pisses me off that they can't shift their arses to just get to the meet point on time. There is no reason for it other than just being unorganised. DH is the same so he doesn't see a problem with it. I can't whinge about this to him as he is very protective of his parents and in his eyes they can do no wrong.
AIBU to expect a pair of grown ups to be able to somewhere on time?

I agree with the suggestion to not meet half way. Either drive there or take turns?

Just factoring in delays like road works and heavy traffic means that you're unlikely to turn up at the meeting point at the same time.
Your current arrangement isn't working. It's making you resentful.

I don't think you are been unfair. I'd hate to have sit around waiting an extra half hour.

They are very kind and you appreciate it. But I can see why the time wasting bothers you.

A big lack of empathy from many posters on this thread. I'm quite shocked many of you wouldn't have an issue with working all day and missing out on quality time with your child.

@Thymeout you're totally right. They are fun times. I know I'm seeing the negative instead of the positive. I just want him. I miss him so much. I know that sounds daft and dramatic but he is my everything. Clearly I'm just not in a good place at the moment

Tinkly - the 'quality time' hate that expression is an extra 15-30 minutes at the end of a busy day for both mum and the baby - as another poster said, OP gets to bath the baby, read a story etc etc - is all the angst over the missing time vs the 'free' childcare really worth falling out over?

I don't understand why the OP doesn't drive to the GPs house to collect her DS, that would give her more time with him & less inconvenience to the GPs and no 'hanging around' waiting.

They are being slightly rude by keeping you waiting and by belittling your wish to spend some time with your little one before he goes to bed. I get that you're grateful; they are, after all, helping you out of a financial hole. But yes, two adults should be able to get to a meeting place on time. The idea about collecting him from their house might work, or maybe investigate paid childcare of your choice near where you live. If they ask why, say it's because they are always late and you find it upsetting. Shame your husband can't understand how you feel.

I don't understand the meeting half way thing either! It's a recipe for problems.

Ragwort the OP wants as much time as possible with her baby. I would be exactly the same. She says she has offered to pick him up from theirs but they are always out. Sounds more than a little like game playing to me.

I think some of the replies you have received are really unpleasant- mainly because childcare costs people a fortune and you obviously have no right to complain if you have family that will do it for you and save the costs. For what it’s with the persistent lateness isn’t pleasant. You might need to suck it up as children don’t always run to schedule but for them to be 30 minutes late on occasion is not on - it’s a long day for all of you and I would have imagined that the grandparents would be keen to drop off the grandchild so you could all relax.

My children are looked after by grandparents when I work. I’m extremely grateful and the children love it but it’s very, very difficult to address things that come up in such informal arrangements.

My kids are almost at the age where they are having kids. I can't conceive of treating my daughter like that if I was looking after her kids. Hell I'd be at her house for when she got home. Nothing is more important than the mother child bond.

@givemeonereason

Christ it seems some of you won't stop until you've got blood. I've already agreed I was being unreasonable. I have said that I'm grateful to them. Without them I'd have lost my house.

What exactly do some of you want? I'm not using not wanting to work as an excuse to be a bitch. I love my in laws dearly. I just want to spend time with my son. I find it bizarre that this concept warranted a from someone.

Here have another one >>>

FFS, why hell did you post on a public message forum, asking if you are being unreasonable, if you were going to spit your dummy out when people say things you don't like to hear?!

You ARE being ungrateful, you ARE coming across as very entitled, and you ARE coming across as very precious.

Your PILs are looking after YOUR child FOR FREE! and you are moaning about them being a few minutes late. So you have to go out to work to help financially towards the home and family?! You and millions of others sweetie!

As a few people have said, if it pisses you off that much, use a bloody childminder, like millions of others have to do, and quit moaning about two lovely generous people who are doing you a massive favour!

(Yeah, it's another one!)

@tinklylittlelaugh
My kids are almost at the age where they are having kids. I can't conceive of treating my daughter like that if I was looking after her kids. Hell I'd be at her house for when she got home. Nothing is more important than the mother child bond.

So remember feeling a bit resentful and jealous of my childminder that she got to spend time with pfb and I didn't.

My dad covered 2 odd days for me when I returned to work as well. The first time he didn't eat all day! The second time he brought my mum and i left food he could eat with one hand. Now as experienced grandparents (to my neices and nephews) they have a system - mum looks after the kid/kids, dad looks after mum, as in prepares and clears up food, and plays if he can. Visiting them with my kids we agreed to leave at x time. X time rolled around. Baby in car seat. Me ready, shoes on coat on. Toddler toileted, shoes on, coat in hand. Mum STARTS getting ready. Like finding stuff for her bag, brushing her teeth. Baby gets pissed off. Toddler gets pissed off. I get... shirty. I thought we had agreed a time to prevent just this scenario not so we could ignore it! Basically if you are inclined to be punctual, and you can predict your child's behaviour, you will be on time. If you are more laizzez faire and can't predict the child's behaviour you will be late. Never early, bad predicting doesn't work like that. So, appreciate you feel how you do because you don't want to be away from your son. And change the arrangements so they work from yours once a week and you or dh pick up and drop off at their house. Make sure DH does his share, it is an investment.

You ARE being ungrateful, you ARE coming across as very entitled, and you ARE coming across as very precious

OP is at work all day and wants to see her son - not sit in a cold car waiting on grandparents who've been 'out and about' but can't keep track of time - and then dismisses OPs frustrations as 'irrelevant'

Just because it's free doesn't give them the right to dismiss her bond with her baby

I don't think her parents in law are lovely and generous if they are always late. More like thoughtless.

I see a few people are saying just keep him up later. I can see that won't appeal if a later bedtime makes him horrid the next day. However, on two of the next days you won't be looking after him, so it might be an idea.

If they complain about his behaviour on those days, say you kept him up because he needs to spend time with his parents each day, it's such a shame they can't get him back earlier.

It reads like your pil and dh do not genuinely take notice of time and dislike being dictated to by a clock.😊
I doubt they will change so it's a matter of accepting the way they are and just working with it.
Perhaps once you have accepted it the it won't stress you quite so much.
I appreciate it won't be easy,as a working mum your time is precious but I hope it works out for you all

OP a lot of very harsh words here which I don't think you deserve.

I would also be cheesed off with this. What about the previous poster's idea of telling them that your work finish time is going to be 15 mins earlier from January
( maybe say you are going to cut down your lunch time) and so instead of you arranging to meet at 5.30 and they always turn up at 6, you could perhaps gain back most of that waiting time.
All those saying drive to the grandparents house, I know my child would have fallen asleep on a longer car journey home and then been awful to wake and bathe, whereas I could probably kept him going with some singing etc for 15 minutes.
Poor you, I don't believe in real life most of us would like to sit in a layby after a day at work waiting and waiting.

@ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull
Several, in fact the majority, of people have said I am being unreasonable. Some have been unnecessarily nasty, some have been constructive or at least, understanding.
I have accepted that. Yet people like you just twist and twist the knife. I get it, okay?

Yes they look after him for free but do you not think if I had a choice I would have taken it by now? If I could afford full time child care (he is in Nursery 2 days a week), he would be in it. And it would be entirely selfish because it would benefit me. They offered to look after him, even before we were struck down financially and I had to take this job. They were both more or less raised by their grandparents as their parents worked, as was my DH, so to them, it was almost expected that they would take a prominent place in our childcare plans. It was never forced on them. It was a very generous offer made by them.

All those saying drive to the grandparents house, I know my child would have fallen asleep on a longer car journey

Currently baby does 20 mins with GP and 20 mins with mum

Collecting the child isn't going to magically make the journey less

I understand you OP. could you send them an email to this effect ?
"Dear Grandparents, I am so grateful for you helping us with DC. I know you love him & he loves you, Unfortunately I now feel that being late for the pick up repeatedly, is becoming a serious problem for me , particularly as it's cold & dark & I am tired & miserable missing DC all day & am sitting in a cold car in the dark wishing I could be spending that same time with MY child.
I want to spend a few minutes a day with him, & so I must ask you respect the time agreed.
I hope you will understand that this is making me unhappy, & I do appreciate your help.

Tbh I think you should just ignore this thread now. Your OP came across as really spoilt & bratish, whereas in reality, you’re sad & upset, getting more of a verbal kicking isn’t going to help you 🌷

Have you considered doing two longer days (could you?) and (if they’re willing) them having him overnight? I know it’s one night away but you’d get one full day back with him. Or could you get some evening work instead so you go to work when he’s in bed? My mum did this when we were small (she was a punch card operator, yes, I’m that old!). Her & Dad were a bit ‘ships that pass in the night’ during the week, but it meant she was home with us in the day. Or else send DH out on two jobs, he doesn’t need to sleep does he?!

Or would they consider you dropping him off in the mornings & them bringing him back to yours in the evenings? They might not be any earlier, but at least you could be at home doing stuff instead of sat at a cold, dark, meeting point.

Or you drop him off in the mornings & DH does the pick ups.

Are they on time in the mornings?

Does DH understand that this upsets you rather than just ‘annoys’ you? Because if you’ve told him in the same way as you write about it in your OP he might just think you’re being ungrateful, but if you explain that you’re finding it hard to be away from DS and any extra time away from him is really upsetting you, he might be inclined to see if they can't set off a bit earlier in future.

Big hug. It’s crap having to work when you want to be home with them 🌷

Could they stay over at all?

If you emailed me what Mix just said, I’d tell you to find someone else to look after him.

I agree its just a "rough", but OP has already asked them & has been told to "chill".

@AnnieAnoniMouse did it? I wrote the OP when I was just pissed off. I didn't realise it read so badly. No wonder mn-ers were so pissed off with me. I didn't mean it to come across so badly.