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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They're late... AGAIN!

215 replies

Givemeonereason · 08/12/2017 17:49

Name change for this as I was outed using my old one

So my PIL look after my DS 3 times a week and ever single night they're late.
So they live a 40 minute drive away. They offered to look after DS and they truly are fantastic with him (he's 1). Usually DH or I will meet them half way in the morning and evenings and every single night they're late. Usually by around 15-30 minutes. Tonight I've got here and they text me saying they haven't even left yet so for me to take my time. I'm so annoyed!
DS goes to bed at 7 so now by the time they get here, we drive home, it'll be straight in the bath and into bed so once again, I don't get to see him.
PIL know how hard it was and still is for me to leave him, but due to some major blows in our life, we can't afford for me to not work. It really pisses me off that they can't shift their arses to just get to the meet point on time. There is no reason for it other than just being unorganised. DH is the same so he doesn't see a problem with it. I can't whinge about this to him as he is very protective of his parents and in his eyes they can do no wrong.
AIBU to expect a pair of grown ups to be able to somewhere on time?

OP posts:
gingergenius · 08/12/2017 18:55

@Firesuit sleep management like that doesn't work for all kids. One size definitely doesn't fit all unfortunately

WingingItDaily339 · 08/12/2017 18:55

Instead of telling you to stop being ungrateful - maybe they have such a lovely time with you DC and just genuinely lose track of time, if you haven't actually spoke about it properly to them then you can't really just say they are dis-organised. My DM used to look after my DS and was constantly late picking him up meaning I'd get to work with minutes to spare and that did my head in so I just told her 'I asked you to pick him up at X time for a reason, stop being 10-15mins late!' It worked and I know if i hadn't had the conversation then she would have continued being late. I don't think you ABU just a little presumptive when you have no valid reason to back up why they are always late. Tell them to get alarms on there phones for when its time to get ready to go.

NataliaOsipova · 08/12/2017 18:56

I hate this assumption that because grandparents or other family members help you out, you have to bow down at their feet in gratitude and accept them doing what they want to.

But it's a bit like coming round to my house for dinner versus going to a restaurant, surely? If I invite you for dinner, you should be able to expect that I'll cater for your nut allergy or remember if you tell me that you hate seafood. But you can't send your steak back because you like it medium rare and I've cooked it too much. Or ask for chips instead of the potatoes I've cooked.

So, yes, you can and should be able to expect grandparents to consider you and your wishes when looking after a child. But you can't expect to be able to treat them like a paid employee who will carry out your wishes to the letter.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 08/12/2017 18:57

@U2HasTheEdge

STFU... everyone on this thread is entitled to an opinion NOT just you, get over yourself

tiggytape · 08/12/2017 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peregrina · 08/12/2017 18:59

Are they always late, whatever they do, not connected with childcare? If so, tell them a time half an hour earlier for the pick up.

pictish · 08/12/2017 19:00

But she doesn't sound ungrateful Coffee - in fact she has said she is grateful, so it's nonsense to say she isn't. You can be grateful to someone and still find something they do annoying...can you concieve of that at all? Two or more different feelings happening at the same time?

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 08/12/2017 19:09

But she doesn't sound ungrateful Coffee - in fact she has said she is grateful

Of course she's said she's grateful-she can hardly say different on here, (she'd by lynched), she's covering her arse.

Her whinging about being inconvenienced is what reads ungrateful.

ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 08/12/2017 19:11

I hate this assumption that because grandparents or other family members help you out, you have to bow down at their feet in gratitude and accept them doing what they want to.

WOW, you sound as entitled as the OP! Hmm

Yeah, if someone is helping your ass out by looking after your kids, FOR FREE, you better believe you should be bowing at their feet in gratitude!

What a fucking cheek!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/12/2017 19:12

I don't know how old your in laws are, but I used to do one day a week for my Gdd of around the same age, and much as I love her it was frankly pretty exhausting.
If you're getting 3 days for free then IMO you should take a good hard look at the cost of local childcare, count your blessings, and put up with any minor inconveniences.

JaneEyre70 · 08/12/2017 19:14

My DD gets her kids out of the house in record time. When I have them, it takes me around x30 times longer, I'm pulling my hair out and the kids are giggling at nanny trying to find coats hats and shoes.......!! Twenty years ago when my DDs were little, I had it down to a fine art. And I'm a fairly young nan at 47..... I'm not excusing their lateness, but I struggle doing things at the speed my DD does.

If they are giving him his tea, perhaps that could be sacrificed in order to get him home a little earlier??

3boys3dogshelp · 08/12/2017 19:17

My dm insisted that she looked after my dc when I was due to go back to work. I was extremely grateful of the financial help and thought it was going to be great for the kids but the reality was very different.
There were lots of issues but the crux of it was that DM saw it as a favour to us (which it very much was) but we needed somebody to do a job, not a favour.

I persevered for 18 months but then gave up and put them in nursery. Dm was upset at the time but is happier now that she isn't tied to my work commitments. She still sees quite a lot of the children and they love her to bits.

ThunderboltsLightning · 08/12/2017 19:18

I'd push again to pick him up from their house, especially as it's winter now, they're less likely to be out with him in the cold and dark. It's awkward as they are really helping you out but YANBU if it is every single time. I wouldn't like to tackle it though.

Sallystyle · 08/12/2017 19:25

STFU... everyone on this thread is entitled to an opinion NOT just you, get over yourself

You have pulled your opinion out of your arse.

Not once has the OP came across as ungrateful. It's just more fun to make shit up on AIBU isn't it?

Petalflowers · 08/12/2017 19:26

If you meet halfway, then why doesn't gp parent phone/text as they leave, and then you can leave at the same time, and won't have to hang about.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/12/2017 19:28

I think seeing basically nothing of your child all week is more than a minor inconvenience. That wouldn't have been a trade off I would have been happy with even if the childcare was free.

Ragwort · 08/12/2017 19:32

Just go and pick up your DS yourself, you are saving the GPs the inconvenience of having to drive out and you can collect him at a time that suits you - and have 'quality time' Hmm with him on the drive home.

I think you are using the fact that you don't want to be at work to be snipey and ungrateful towards your childcare providers - who are doing you a massive favour.

Thymeout · 08/12/2017 19:33

it'll be straight into the bath and bed

But aren't these the fun times? Playing in the bath and then a story with cuddles? I can remember many a l-o-n-g late afternoon wishing it were bath-time and bed. What were you planning to do with him in those extra 20 mins?

You're right. It isn't about them. It's about you resenting having to work when you'd rather be at home, for which you have my greatest sympathy. But 3 days a week with a 1 yr old when you're in your 60s is a massive favour. I'd guess they take him out a lot because it's easier to entertain him outside the house. They need to fill in the gap between his nap and taking him to the collection point.

I'm sorry you're in this position, but you really are BU to complain. It's minor in the context of what they're doing for you.

AskBasil · 08/12/2017 19:34

I don't think yabu at all.

I think it's fucking horrible to deliberately deprive a mother of time with her child when she's got no choice but to work.

I cannot imagine why anyone with their grandchild's interests at heart, would be so horribly selfish. Would any of the people telling the OP that she's being entitled and unreasonable, do this to your own daughter or daughter in law? If you would, then you're horrible too and if you wouldn't, why would you defend it as normal reasonable behaviour?

If you offer to help out, then help out. Don't put unreasonable conditions such as "oh by the way, if you want me to look after your kid/ dog/ house, I'll do it on the basis that I can give the kid sugar all day/ never walk the dog/ leave your house so dirty that you get cockroaches".

These people are adults. They must know that the OP wants to see her child in the evening. But they make no effort to enable her to do so? Appalling behaviour, nasty to both the OP and her child who wants to see his mum.

Ragwort · 08/12/2017 19:34

I think seeing basically nothing of your child all week is more than a minor inconvenience. That wouldn't have been a trade off I would have been happy with even if the childcare was free.

Even if you couldn't afford to pay the bills if you didn't go to work? Easy to make a sweeping statement without knowing the OP's financial circumstances. Hmm

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/12/2017 19:35

Of course YANBU: I cant even imagine how horrible it would be to have to go to work when you want to be with your child, then for someone's carelessness to rob you of your small bit of precious time with him.

For your in laws to say that you spending time with your child does not matter and for your DH to back them up is just awful. You need to put your foot down here OP.

Glowinginthedark · 08/12/2017 19:36

I'm lucky if my kids get looked after 3 times a year!

confusedlittleone · 08/12/2017 19:36

If it bothers you that much then just put him into nursery

Original poster
Givemeonereason · 08/12/2017 19:37

Christ it seems some of you won't stop until you've got blood.
I've already agreed I was being unreasonable. I have said that I'm grateful to them. Without them I'd have lost my house.

What exactly do some of you want? I'm not using not wanting to work as an excuse to be a bitch. I love my in laws dearly. I just want to spend time with my son. I find it bizarre that this concept warranted a 'Hmm' from someone.

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 08/12/2017 19:37

Sorry I do think your over reacting a bit. You’ve said yourself they are brilliant with him and hey give you free childcare 3 days a week. That’s a huge amount. I know it’s hard to leave them and go to work but you sound like you want it all and that’s just not possible.
Why don’t you ask them to text as they leave so you aren’t waiting around. Honestly they are doing you a massive favour, be a bit more thankful.

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