They're late... AGAIN!

[Givemeonereason]

Name change for this as I was outed using my old one

So my PIL look after my DS 3 times a week and ever single night they're late.
So they live a 40 minute drive away. They offered to look after DS and they truly are fantastic with him (he's 1). Usually DH or I will meet them half way in the morning and evenings and every single night they're late. Usually by around 15-30 minutes. Tonight I've got here and they text me saying they haven't even left yet so for me to take my time. I'm so annoyed!
DS goes to bed at 7 so now by the time they get here, we drive home, it'll be straight in the bath and into bed so once again, I don't get to see him.
PIL know how hard it was and still is for me to leave him, but due to some major blows in our life, we can't afford for me to not work. It really pisses me off that they can't shift their arses to just get to the meet point on time. There is no reason for it other than just being unorganised. DH is the same so he doesn't see a problem with it. I can't whinge about this to him as he is very protective of his parents and in his eyes they can do no wrong.
AIBU to expect a pair of grown ups to be able to somewhere on time?

@SleepingStandingUp I don't think it's being manipulative, just more thoughtless? They are genuinely lovely people who just dither and have 0 concept of time. My dad was in the military so I was never allowed to be late for anything!

I think OP just wanted whinge about something that annoys her, understandably so, just because they are doing her a favour doesnt mean they cant do something annoying. I hate all the hate on her atm.
People being late all the time would annoy me too OP.

He’s only one. Have you already forgotten just how difficult it is to get out of the house on time with a baby?

You’re just about to strap him in his car seat and he has a poo, you put his coat on and he’s sick, baby falls asleep ten minutes before you’re due to leave home so you let him sleep.

You sound bloody ungrateful.

Good to see people have got their kicking boots on this evening

You are been UR though. I think putting up with something like this in return for childcare with people you know adore him and for free is fair enough.

Could you ask them to get him into his pjs before setting off so when you get home it's pure attention time?

I'm not sure - the fact that they can be out with him if the OP goes to pick him up from their house is odd.

I look after DGC and I'm there when I should be!

Why dont you tell them that you are getting out of work earlier now, and move the pick up time 30 mins earlier. Then when they are 30 mins late, they will be right on time for you?

Given they were out without phones I'd be thinking that are doing it on purpose to keep him.

It's only been a couple of times I've gone to theirs to grab him. They tend to go out with him all day when they have him so soft plays, out for walks etc. And tbf, they rarely carry their phones anyways as they don't think they need them or if they do carry them they turn them off to 'save the battery'

It’s annoying but, considering how much they’re saving you in childcare, I would let it go.

Just dawdle on your way to meet them, grab a coffee or something.

I wish I had PIL or parents who could cut my childcare bill from £1k, but they’re all either ill, dead or live abroad.

Be thankful.

Could you ask them to get him into his pjs before setting off so when you get home it's pure attention time*

That's a good idea. Thanks :)

When I first had a baby, I reckoned the formula for getting out was this: how long it would normally take me times 2 plus 20 minutes.

They're probably not doing it deliberately. Just life with a baby is more difficult - they're not easy to get into the car and to a certain place at a certain time. I used to meet up with a baby group. We used to laugh about "mummy time", where "let's meet at 2" always meant "we all aim for 2 but in reality somewhere between 2 and 3.45 as someone will be asleep/done a massive nappy etc etc"

They're doing you an enormous favour. None of my DC's GPs have ever taken them out for so much as the day. Focus on that.

Okay, so I get I'm being unreasonable. I'm just annoyed. I'm annoyed because I have to work more than anything. I'd give anything to be with my son. I've missed a couple of firsts already and it's killed me tbh. I think I'm seeing this as yet another barrier where we're kept apart as opposed to him building a great relationship with his family and them helping out so much. I just wish it was me.

Clearly they are doing you a favour - and you are clearly grateful for that.

However you might just need to be a bit more blunt about the timings. It doesn't mean being rude or ungrateful. 'I've just noticed that the handover is getting later as a regular thing. Would you mind if I asked if we could meet at the time we've arranged please? It's just that after a long day at work I'm tired and would like to get home as soon as I can and I'd love to have a bit more time with X. You know I'm so grateful for you looking after him and bringing him halfway each time'

In the end though, if they are the kind of people who can't manage time keeping, then it's probably going to be one of those things you have to put up with because of the benefit you gain from it. Definitely worth being a bit clearer though that you are really keen to get home. It's most likely that they are a bit overly relaxed and don't see it from your view, but if it's spelled out a bit more, will make more effort.

People get on their high horse and think that parents have to gratefully grovel about GP being free childcare, but I imagine a lot of the GP's enjoy spending the time with there DGC and would be heartbroken if a parent decided to use paid childcare instead.

I've mentioned it as nicely as I can how much I look forward to spending time with him in the evenings and they just tell me to relax and that it isn't important as he doesn't know the difference anyways.

That's a ridiculous thing for them to tell you. Of course he knows when you spend time with him!

It's kind of them to look after him for you; but it's very inconsiderate that they're always late. They are not acknowledging your importance in your own son's life. I don't blame you for finding it irritating.

I understand why it annoys you. But from how you talk about them it doesn't sound like it's going to change without it causing major upset and possibly upsetting the time your DS has with his GPs. So unless you can afford to give up work or pay for childcare I think you need to change your attitude to it. Value the relationship your DS is building with his GPs. Find a way to appreciate those 15 - 30 minutes of wait time that you have. Take a flask and a book , or download videos on your phone to pass the time while you wait. Some little indulgence. It does suck that you miss out on quality time with your DC on those evenings. But it's just a short part of his life and you have 4 other days each week. It's a bit Pollyanna-ish, but you have to make the most of the life you have, not hanker after something that isn't likely to happen.

I'm rubbish at time keeping so have done sympathy but ironically Hate it when I'm kept waiting!

My top tip: ask them to text you as they are leaving - Always works for me! If they don't text prompt them with a quick 'what's your ETA?' Text and then still get them to let you know if they are running late.

I'd give anything to be with my son.

If it helps, I'm good friends with a grandma who looked after her GC for a similar amount of time from them being small. Now they're older it's fantastic for everyone - the kids have a brilliant relationship with her and their parents get to do all sorts of things that I couldn't even consider, just because they're so confident in her as a babysitter of her (now older) GC.

I think they should be on time. He is their grandson and presumably they enjoy being with him. So not like they are doing something they hate and get nothing out of just to be nice. it is taking the piss to be late every night and it isn't fair on OP to not get to see her kids in the evening.

You are not being U.

Pay the £45 a day rate I pay for childcare, x2. Pisses me off that grandparents out there are basically providing free childcare to people left, right and centre (mentioning no names SIL 2 kids three days a week and sister every fucking evening) and then when it's not exactly how you want it, you complain. Childminders are flexible, use one. I get lateness is annoying. I can't stand it but if you know they have form for it either leave later or travel all the way to their front door. Fucking cheek.

Yanbu. Just because you have family looking after dc doesn't mean they do whatever the hell they like and you have to put up with all sorts.

I had the same kind of problem op. My parents used to look after my older two for me when they were younger. They didn't just offer, they insisted/begged and seemed to really enjoy having them and point blank refused money. Obviously it also saved us a fortune and we were so grateful and showed it in as many ways as we could.

Until. Pick up started to get later and later. I would pick them up at 6.15, bed time was 7.30 so we'd have an hour before bed max. But then I'd turn up and they'd be running round half naked still and need to be wrestled into their clothes first. Sometimes they'd still not be quite finished with dinner. Sometimes at 6.15 they'd be watching a film which had 20 minutes left so obviously I had to wait or be a huge bad guy. Or be in the middle of a board game or similar.

I love my parents but no, I don't want to spend 30 minutes + every night at their house waiting to pick the dc up when all I want to do is go home and spend time with them before bed.

I asked nicely could they please be ready to leave. I asked not so nicely when my parents thought it was a joke and made no effort to get them the slightest bit ready on time. I asked time and again and said I didn't want to be a bitch over it but I really needed to collect them at 6.15 or I'd have to put them somewhere else that would have them ready...nope. They didn't even try.

So I arranged a cm instead after over a year of this. WW3 hit and I've forever been The Ungrateful Daughter That Stopped Us Having The Grandkids . Years later and my mother's still not forgiven me completely.

Never would I ever use family as childcare again, even if they were paying me.

Put him to bed at 7.30 instead? He can't tell the time and it's Friday...live a little. It's your choice to stick to 7 on the dot. You don't have to.

I do get where you’re coming from, you weren’t ready to go back to work but have had to and those 15-30 minutes are precious time with your son after a day at work. BUT I do think you’re being unreasonable, they’re doing you an enormous favour in caring for your DS. Not only are they saving you a hell of a lot of money you also have the comforting knowledge that your DS is being well cared for by people who love him/he loves.

I do get it but I think you need to consider how lucky you are that your in-laws are willing able to care for your son and over look the lateness.

I imagine a lot of the GP's enjoy spending the time with there DGC and would be heartbroken if a parent decided to use paid childcare instead.

I know three different grandmothers in this position. It's not as cut and dried as that. They do love spending time with their GC. Absolutely they do. But the responsibility is huge (worse, they say, than with their own children, because ultimately you are answerable to the parents) and it's bloody tiring (I found it so with mine in my 30s - it's another ballgame in your 60s or older). It also completely dominates their life and the things they are able to do, just as it does if you're a SAHP. Plus - because they are in a parenting role for so much of the time, they lose the ability "just" to be a gran and be overindulgent.

Invite them for lunch one Sunday to say thanks for all the help they give you.

After the meal, tell them honestly and calmly that you're thrilled that DS is so happy when they're taking care of him for you. But the only fly in the ointment is them not being on time every evening. Tell them that it's cutting down on your time with DS and it's upsetting you. Keep reminding them that you're grateful, but that you miss him hugely and cherish every moment when you're not at work. Tell them you'd like to make things simpler by collecting from their house and agree a time to get there.

If they are lovely as you say, they surely can't argue with that? Keep emphasising how grateful you are and how much DS loves them.

If that fails, and they continue to disregard you, then you'll have to look at paid-for childcare.